Woes (Part 2)...

I thought with all the recent turmoil with my Mom, I could at least find some comfort in Danny's arms.

Considering I still haven't seen or heard from him this weekend, I'd say that didn't exactly happen.

Wednesday he surprised me by meeting me after class. We had a quick lunch and cuddled on the couch. He had just started beating me off when he said, "I have to go study for my midterm tomorrow."

"Huhhh?" I gasped. I was in the throws of thrusting in his hand when he proclaimed his need for study time. Quietly, and with a wicked smile on his face, he zipped my jeans back up.

I wasn't too bothered by this pricktease, as I immediately started thinking ahead to the weekend, when he and I would hopefully get to spend a larger chunk of time together.

"How about this..." I said, (semi) seductively. "You come by Friday night, I make dinner...then Saturday we can do something fun together, and maybe meet up with your friends like you wanted to."

He looked blankly at me. "Actually, I'm busy Friday night. And Saturday night."

"Oh," I said. At this point I was flailing for anything that would get me in the same room as him, so I suggested tagging along on his Friday night activities (which incidentally were with the same people I'd already met).

Though he didn't use these exact words, his response was something along the lines of, "Well, I don't know if I want you along."

At the time I wasn't pissed at the statement, but it irked me afterwards.

I tried a few more approaches to working something out for the weekend, but all he could come up with was, "Maybe Friday afternoon."

Friday morning I texted to see if he was coming. No response. I went on IM to see if he was awake, and he promptly signed off after I signed on. An hour later, I checked Facebook, to find his status as 'Online'.

I fumed for the better part of Friday afternoon. Thanks to his very mixed signals, I really don't know if he gives the slightest shit about me. When we're together, he's full of compliments and always says he's happy with the way things are going. When we're apart, he ignores my messages and doesn't try to work in some time for me in his otherwise not so busy days.

The funny thing is, I don't think he's playing me. He's too new and too young to be. At least, I hope, unless he's pulled the wool over my eyes, the came back and did three more passes with it. Because he just doesn't seem like a jerk.

Saturday I adopted a new attitude. I put some distance between my desire for things to work out and myself. Of course, I'd really regret if things don't work out between us, but I also know the way things are right now is not how I want to find myself in a relationship. In many ways I'd feel badly, because I don't know what he's thinking. Maybe he thinks I'm too forward right now, wanting too much from him. But since he's not a communicative guy, he never said anything like that.

And to think, I was so excited with the possibilities only mere weeks ago.

"I'll have a Coke and a handjob"...

As the car pulled away, I couldn't help but feel just a little embarassed.

After all, I'm 21 now...not exactly the age to be making out in the back seat of a moving car while your boy's straight friends are giggling in the front seat.

Admitedly not my shining, most discreet, classiest moment. But when in Rome...

My two-week wait lasted all of two days. Danny called in the late afternoon, asking me out to dinner with his friends. He had decided, spurr of the moment, to avoid work for the evening, and shorten our wait time to 1-1/2 weeks. I was thrilled, the call literally made my day. Of couse the dinner wasn't bad either.

It turned out to be a double-date of sorts, with me, Danny, his friend Rita and her boyfriend Neil. We all were quite chatty throughout, and it was a different pace than my usual time spent with him. It was flattering and a little nerve-racking to meet the friends, especially when it appears he's been talking about me. Questions were asked nearly immediately about city vs. country life, etc. etc., which is cute considering Danny must have been blabing to them, but a little intimidating too. I'm new to this whole routine.

We had a delicious, long, heavy dinner that I insisted on covering (saying simply "Happy Thanksgiving" to him and stealing the cheque away). Afterwards we did the ever-original swing by the movies. Neil and Rita sat a row in front of us, very diplomatically, while Danny and I assumed our usual spot in the back corner.

As soon as the lights went down, his lips were on mine. The advances got progressively worse; his hands up my shirt, down my pants, in my breifs...

"Uh, are you trying to get me to cum in my underwear?"

"That'd be fun."

While I don't think anyone spied us and our busy hands, and not like I would have cared at the time, I still feel a little twinge of surprise. I don't usually do this. But I don't usually have a boy out on a date, so maybe this is normal after all. Still, not exactly the classiest thing to be doing in the corner of a dark theatre, but in my defence, it was all his idea. He naturally blamed me for turning him on.

Neil was graceous enough to drive me back to my place, which turned into a mini-driving tour of the city. We hit all the fun spots: Church St., Queen St., Front St., though admittedly I saw only half of the sights due to intermittent making out and cuddling in the back seat. I'm very impressed with the straight friend's tolerence of the two gay boys in the back seat. Neither seemed particularily perterbed, and Rita was caught, on more than one occasion, watching us.

Danny kept muttering in my ear about how badly he wanted to come home with me, but his parents are leaving on vacation tomorrow morning and he can't miss saying goodbye. I told him family comes first, and that he needed to be there, no matter how badly I wanted him to spend the night. Of course, we tried to rationalise the stay, but considering we'd get no sleep until tomorrow morning, and he needed to be home for at least 8 a.m., it was the best choice to call it a night.

I did my best thank you to Neil and Rita, hoping to seal the deal and win the friends over. Then I turned to Danny, went in for one last deep kiss, and slid from the car, my hand tracing down his arm until our fingertips seperated. I crossed the street, and tried not to look back. Only 11 days to go...

Me being me, once home I wound up questioning our attraction. While I'm not overly bothered by us, and with my doubts ever-shrinking, I still wondered as I walked in my door if we're simply two horny kids who want each other. Our behaviour in the theatre was far from coy, and it took all his strength not to come upstairs with me tonight. But when we're not locked in each other's arms, we still get on fine, and were capable of enjoying social time with his friends. I just don't want to wake up in a few weeks and find we have nothing but our mutual attraction.

Another pleasant surprise. I'd better be careful, I might start getting used to this...

The 2 week wait...

Well I think I'm off the market.

Not that we cut that much ground today, but we did clear a lot up. About how he hates the phone, and IM, and that he's not seeing anyone else (but still going on Manhunt, though I never got up the nerve to ask why), and the fact that I'm the first boy he's ever been with ("But I've kissed more than one!").

We talked around labels of what we are ("I guess we're going out.") and through the fact he has nothing to be intimidated about ("You've got more experience than me," he said, to which I replied, "Not in this type of relationship.").

I told him how crazy I was about him. He told me how much he likes me, really really, not just sorta-kinda.

I told him how cute he is. He told me that I'm the most gorgeous guy on earth. Even I think that's a bit of a stretch, but I enjoyed hearing it more than once.

"I'd better go, walk me to the station."

"Gee, guess I'd better get some clothes on," I laughed in the semi-darkness.

"Yeah, don't want anyone getting their eye on you, stealing you away," he said.

---

Really, it was interesting to hear my reaction to all this. I mean, he's said all the right things, and I was flattered, but my damn lack of self-confidence kept me from truly enjoying it. Especially the 'gorgeous guy' phrase...I couldn't believe he said it.

I pulled back from our kiss, laughing out loud. "Are you kidding me?" I said. Inside I shrank, warmed by the flattering words but aghast he had said them. So hard for me to hear such high praise. It cannot be true.

Sad, in a way, that I've convinced myself nobody finds me attractive. I didn't even know it was that bad. Sadder still that my knee-jerk reaction is, instead of truly enjoying the statement, pulling back and snorting in disbelief.

---

He wants me to come out to his neck of the woods soon.

"Just a couple people," he said, "just hang out, maybe watch a movie..."

I'm actually really excited by this prospect, because it means this is maybe going somewhere.

---

"Uhh...it's 7. I'm so screwed."

"Well, it won't take you that long to get home," I said, arms wound in his. "What are you going to tell them anyway?"

"That I was lying in bed with the hottest guy I've seen," he said, then he laughed. "Yeah, probably not the best lead in."

---

Two weeks is a long time at this moment. Kinda intimidating to think that we won't see each other until after our crazy-early Thanksgiving, two weekends from now.

After I came, I looked at him quizzically. It was one of those spontaneous sex acts, and unexpected orgasms. "What was that for?"

"Oh, I didn't want you forgetting about me for two weeks."

"Believe me, I'm more worried you're going to forget about me."

He's got work all the time's I'm free, I've got class when he doesn't...plus I'm heading out of town back home next Wednesday, and he's working extra shifts over the holiday. Worst timing ever, though thankfully we've both caught each other's interest enough to be able to wait it out.

---

"What I said before, about the labels. Yeah, I guess we're going out. But it feels a little more serious than that. I don't know what it's called," I said. Somewhere inside I regretted saying it, but I wanted him to know this is moving beyond just dinner and a movie.

"Yeah," he answered.

Hot/Cold...

In a semi-chic ballroom, in a semi-famous building, with a semi-famous radio host, a semi-out boy attended his first charity fashion show.

But not before he spend an hour and a half cuddling with his new boy-whatever.

It all started at lunch, in a crazy restaurant downtown. The noise almost drove us outside, but Danny wanted to stay. We tried to talk, and I found myself wondering what to say. We're not at the point when conversation can lull and I don't worry he's bored.

After eating, we went for a walk. The day was beautiful and warm, a relief compared to what we've felt recently. Now, if only we weren't in downtown Toronto, I'd have curled up on some grass with him and been quite content.

The walk ended up taking us back to my apartment, where we sat and baked on the balcony on our dilapidated swing. After a while we wound up kissing, then stood at the balcony's railing and looked down at the world around us. We headed inside and lay on my bed.

What was nice was the simplicity of it, just lying there, holding hands, his head on my chest. We both felt comfortable.

But at one moment, I looked into his eyes, and thought I saw trouble. There was a nagging expression that wouldn't go away.

"Whats up," I asked gently.

"Huh?"

"You've got a look. What's wrong."

"Nothing, nothings wrong."

"Ok, why the look then? You can tell me."

"Oh, its nothing...just...something that would make things awkward right now..."

I of course freaked out mildly internally, but stopped myself from showing too much. He never explained what was on his mind.

Later, he kept giving these little laughs. "What!" I asked playfully.

"It's just...I'm happy. You make me happy." I'm pretty sure part of me melted then and there.

As time dragged on, and I realized I needed to get to my show, we both refused to move. "Just two more minutes," he said sleepily, wrapping my hand in his and kissing it.

We rode the subway together until I had to change trains, and I promised to call him today and set up our Friday. I really, really didn't want to leave him.

The fashion show was more or less what I expected it to be. The cocktails and light foods were horrid, and no matter how many Cosmo's I threw back, I didn't feel buzzed. Considering it was their signature drink of the evening, they consisted of mostly cranberry juice and ice, with a thimble full of vodka in each.

I schmoozed less-than-exemplarily, but that was because the crowd was mostly looking to talk with their guests, not with each other. Finally, the show started, and it was very much as imagined, with models, asses swaying behind them, lunging down the stage. Most of the clothing was hideous, and none of it was men's, so I really took very little from the fashion itself.

Afterwards, we went for a late dinner and post-show conversation. I can definitely see myself doing these types of functions in my later years, when I'm connected and influential. At the moment, it was a good way to take my fashion show virginity.

Today I spent the afternoon daydreaming about Danny, waiting to call him. When I did, he didn't answer. Funny, I thought, but not a big deal. I texted him to call me.

Moments later, he did. (Was he ignoring my calls?) He seemed surprised to hear from me, until I mentioned we hadn't set a time for tomorrow's meeting. We agreed on 1, but he says now that he's busy in the evening, something he had mentioned before but I was unsure of. I'm a little jealous, because I was hoping to have the whole day with him.

My insecurities have shifted somewhat, but probably are all saying the same thing. Now that I understand he is interested in me, it's even more intimidating and worrisome. Who are those gay guys he's just added to his Facebook over the last few days? What is he doing Friday night that will cut our date short? Is he really interested in me, or was he just happy to hold someone for a while?

Tomorrow I plan on asking some careful questions, because I need to know where he's coming from. He seemed almost distant on the phone today, should he not have been moony and said he missed me, after telling me how much he didn't want to leave me just 24 hours before?

It feels like it's going in the right direction, but as we move forward, my insecurities always sneak along with me.

Over-analysis...

After careful dissection of 'the date', I've got to admit things are no clearer.

Nina balks at a relationship at all, since she's not the committed girl. Laura says that I should just go have fun. Lisa says that everything sounds like a perfect start.

So why am I so worried?

I know why. I'm insecure as all hell, and I'm questioning how charming and enticing he thinks I am. I'm scared that he'll find some other profile online and be off after him, leaving me in the dust.

It's sad, really, that I'm this worked up after one date. Not like we're getting married next week here. It could turn out we're not compatible, or worse, that we're looking for different things.

It could work, and that would be great. I guess the question is, how long before I know it's working?

I don't want to simply 'have fun' only to find out he doesn't want anything serious. Which is hard, considering every time I mention seeing him he seems excited.

Essentially, I want it all. I want something to finally work out. Here I've got what appears to be a great guy, but what do I do next?

Not to mention the utter terror at the fact he's still online, getting hit on by God knows who, chatting to how many other people while he's organizing our lunch date. Of course, this is all complete crap, because theoretically I could (and should) be doing the same thing. But its the insecurity talking; I don't want to loose his interest because of the hundreds of other guys who are hotter, smarter, funnier, better...

My last 'relationship' thingy moved fairly rapidly, as it seemed we were both interested. Not rapidly in the sexual sense, but in the amount of time we spent together. Over the first three days, we had spent at least half of each together. This I am sure is uncommon. There was no cooling off between dates.

The question must be asked, do you get to cuddle on the couch with your dates at this stage? Or am I supposed to be semi-cool, semi-detached and entertain with the city as my living room rather than my apartment. I don't want to ask the 'hard' questions too early, and come off as freakishly clingy, but I can't give the impression that I'm not interested.

Why do I have to question everything I do. Why can't I just go with the flow, and see what develops? Oh, right, because I'm single, and lonely, and grasping at straws.

(This will be my last post on this issue, because I know how droning and boring I will become.)

Saturday night well spent...

"So did you hold hands in the movie?" Nina asked, standing in my doorway.

I had just gotten home, and was all smiles, secretly dying to talk about my night.

"Oh shut up," I laughed, "what was I supposed to do, blow him in the theatre?"

My night had been what I think was a fairly successful first date. I managed to be funny enough to keep him laughing, flirty enough to keep up eye contact, and interested enough to put him at ease.

Not that there was anything no to be interested in with in Danny. Cute without trying hard, friendly, intelligent...that smile...

We met up at 6:30, me with butterflies in my chest. After all, first dates for me at this point in my life aren't just 'ah-fuck-it' fun, since I'm trying to present myself as semi-sane. But from the first moment, it was pretty easy. Conversation flowed. We laughed about school and work, even if we stood out as the only gay couple at this place (note to self, maybe have dinner dates closer to/in the Village).

After dinner, we opted for a movie, but had an hour to kill in between. I suggested Starbucks, and he agreed. But once we got there, I forgot the important question, "Do you drink coffee?"

"Oh, sure," he said, "but usually just Tim Hortons or something."

Does nobody in my life consume as much coffee as me, other than my classmates?

We talked some more, at one of those small-ish tables, and I tried to gauge his reaction to me. Our hands grazed on the table a few times, which left me wondering what he was thinking.

In the movie theatre, we choose the back corner to sit. Alright, I thought, this is cozy, and a little private. But as the movie rolled, nothing really happened. Of course, I don't know the dating rules and queues, so I sat there elbow-to-elbow with him. I was waiting for him to make some move, any move, and finally our knees connected. Hurray, elbow and knee connection. Why am I such a dork?

Eventually our hands touched, and he hovered a bit. Finally after a few moments of that we were holding hands. Then we were wrapped arm in arm, with him running his hand up and down my forearm. We stayed like that for the rest of the movie.

The lights came up and we sat there. I'll admit, for the breif moment I was a little hesitant to be seen so far from the Village holding a boy's hand, but I felt guilty afterwards. It shouldn't matter, and we didn't budge as the theatre cleared.

"So, ready to get out of here?" I asked, smiling at him.

"Uh, lets wait five minutes," he answered. OK, I'll admit, the first kiss in the movie theatre is smaltchzy, but I'm a sucker for that shit. And he's a good kisser, knows how to use his tongue. We got up and held hands all the way out to the street.

Neither of us wanted to go. I offered for him to come back downtown with me, but he broke the news he had work Sunday morning. We wound up in a little bar just down the road, sitting across from each other, holding hands. On the upside, I don't think anyone was pointing and staring, but again I felt that oh-my-god-I'm-holding-a-boy's-hand-in-public rush. But we never stopped, and I realized how very little I cared.

Finally, we were going to head our separate ways. But not before some good-night making out. We wandered for a while, but I found it's incredibly hard to find an unlit corner to kiss boys in. There was an alcove nearby which looked like it had no traffic, so we stopped there and our lips met. He's almost as tall as I am, so it was great height-ratio. It was getting pretty hot, hands grabbing my ass, lips trailing down my neck, hard-ons grinding into each other.

Then, all of a sudden, he pulled back. I wondered what was wrong for a second, then heard heels behind me. Apparently he's not crazy about making out with a boy in this much public. We went back to kissing, but street traffic magically picked up, so we had one last deep kiss and walked towards the subway.

About halfway down the path, he stopped me. "You know, I really don't want to go," he said, spinning me around and kissing me again. We walked five feet, kissed, walked five more feet, and were finally at the tracks. His train was waiting, and he jumped on. My train arrived, and we gazed out our widows at each other, not breaking eye contact until the tunnel wall was in our gaze.

All in all, a damn successful first date.