Get out from under my skin...

I want my ex out from under my skin.

He's not in there in any good kind of way. It's not the sexy itch that needs to be scratched, more the poison ivy that continues to welt and swell.

We talked today for the first time in about a week, and it started a little rocky. Mild bickering more than anything. It got better and we even had a 'normal' conversation. We ended it well and everything was fine.

I waited for the text message that I knew would follow our conversation. Sure enough, it came, albeit having a bit of a surprising invitation to come spend the night and sleep with him.

Now, to be clear, this was very out of context. He's told me many times about how sleeping with his ex's always made him feel bad, "Seemed like a good idea at the time but wound up making me feel lonely and like shit after." So, why oh why would he want to proposition me?

My sex life with the ex was never very satisfying. On my side, he never seemed into me enough, never seemed to want to have sex that often and always made me feel more like he viewed sex with me as 'work' more than fun. On his side, he says I didn't listen to what he wanted, that I wasn't in tune enough with him and that I never 'met him half way'.

Me being (stupid) me, I wanted to know why he felt the way he did, why he would want to have sex with me now, if he ever really enjoyed sex together...on and on. He kept feeding the fire with offhand remarks that generally made me feel bad about myself and basically want to cry. After hashing it all out, he then told me none of it even matters anymore since we're not together.

I wanted to know all that, generally, because I'm a very self-conscious person and always felt as if I never actually made him happy. I wanted to know why. Instead of getting an answer or an understanding, I just got my feelings hurt, and I don't really even know what for.

We allow others to have power over our feelings, expecting that they will handle with care. But what happens when we want to take that power away, when it's better not to be able to be hurt my a few bits of text? Why is it so hard to not give a shit about things that he says, when I know full well it's not right? Why do I let it bother me?

By the end of the conversation I was left vulnerable, hurt and really sad. And stupid. And I had nothing to show for it.

I guess it just takes time and detachment to finally take that power away from someone. But I want him out from under my skin. I want to be free of the hurt that words can cause.

When that will happen is another story.

And four weeks later...

I'm sitting at the very desk that I started Frozen Underwear at.

There are parts of me that feel like giving you every gory detail about my breakup. Really, there are. I would like nothing more than to get it off my chest. But I'm also sensitive about the fact that my now ex was in my life for two years, not a guy I dated that provided fodder for blogging. He has a right to his privacy, and so I've decided to discuss the breakup as little as possible.

Long story short, we went out not with a bang, but with a whimper. He was pretty blindsided by the whole thing, but I held my ground with my decision and laid it all out. At the end, I think he still believed that he could change my mind, but that ship had sailed.

I took my bags and left. No huge fight, screaming, or anything that had been predicted. Lots and lots of crying and pain. The typical accusations that my leaving him was 'easy' for me, and that I should instantly feel 'happy' about it. Wrong on both counts, but he has a hard time understanding how I feel.

So now, like I said, I'm sitting at the very desk that I began Frozen Underwear at, having moved back in with my parents. And it's around the same time of year when, many moons ago, I was miserable with the direction my life was headed. At least this time I think I've got off to a head start.

2010 was not a good year for me. It's brought nothing but pain and sorrow, and I'm glad to have it behind me. I pray 2011 will be the year I finally get myself back. But nothing is simple, and there are still obstacles to be overcome before I can feel better about myself and my life. A big one was ending a dead-end relationship, yet even that hasn't made me feel all that great. I'm waiting for that time when it hurts less and I've worked through the grief and the crap, but so far I just feel tired and burnt out.

Christmas is upon us, my favourite holiday and season of the year. The tree is trimmed, the lights hung and the very few presents that I can afford are bought. The wine is breathing, the roast is nearly done, and I'm alone.

And for the first time in my life, it doesn't feel sad to be single.

That's one hell of a start.