So this is college...

I went to Guelph yesterday evening. It's a city about an hour away from Toronto, and it's got the typical university/college feel to it.

My friends who go there aren't exactly what I would define the usual college people. But I can't really think of them as people 'from college' because I've known them since high school. It still intriuges me whenever I visit to see them interacting with people I don't know, and in situations I don't normally find myself in.

Last night was my first kegger (I think anyway...) and it was an interesting experience. I went with one friend and his roommate, showing up at 8:30 to make sure we got lots to drink before the crowds.

I really need to work on my conversation starters with people my age. I never really have much to say to people, to this group who I struggle to identify with. As was said at some point in the evening, everyone is different and that's what binds college students together, but it's hard to strike up a conversation with the jock in the corner, or the class clown doing a keg-stand, or the really, really hot guy wearing that tight tee...

Anyway we drank and I met several people who were nice but not very conversational. As I studied the crowd, it seemed that there were 3 groups of people. Group 1 would be the people there to drink. They came with 3-4 friends, sat around and pounded beer. Not the most social, because they're concentrating their energy on drinking, and besides, they're there with friends anyway.

Group 2 is the people who either know everyone, or come off like they know everyone. Running between groups, talking and laughing loudly, enjoying themselves and their high-energy back-and-forth between groups. Though they're social, it seems like they aren't spending time with their close friends, rather just enjoying the moment as it happens.

Finally, group 3, the people who showed up with 1-2 of their buddies and proceed to talk with each other and nervously look around the room. (I was in group 3 by the way...). They don't seem to move around much, but engage in conversation with people passing by, or other small groups who they know. Overall they seem like they're having a good time, but it's hard to tell...they don't engage in many random conversations but they do talk at length to the people they know.

Where am I going with this?...I have no idea. But I got my fill of the 'college experience' from the kegger for this month, and I've gotta say I just don't understand the attraction sometimes. I mean, hanging with a huge group of your friends and drinking all night is totally cool! But when the people all didn't know each other, and at times it was difficult to strike up conversations (especially when it's not about you coming on to someone, or talking about sports). Thankfully a Leafs (hockey) game was on, so that made for some conversation, and it was fun to have everyone watching as they won the game. I guess it depends on your personality type, weather you like to hang out with new people or are more happy talking with acquaintences you know already.

It was funny to see the mix of people there too. Lots of the 'average college guys & girls' there, and surprisingly enough not many people dressed to look really good. Me being me, I tried to look presentable (ironic because some days I look like crap and don't care). I did some shopping in the afternoon before leaving, and was pretty happy with how I looked. Hopefully people liked what they saw...it's so hard to know how you *really* look. In the mirror you may be happy, but to others it might look stupid. I know, it's all about you being comfortable...but not entirely. I wore a new pair of jeans, a green t-shirt with a great white collered shirt, one of those cloth belts that matched the colours of the T exactly (freaky, actually), and a green jacket that's very in right now. I topped it all off with a hat that matched the jacket (intentional but not even the same brand!) and a silver cross necklace.

I think I looked good, but the hat scared me. When I put it on, it looked to me to be stupid. But after I shifted it around (you know, finding that good angle and all), it looked alright (I hope). I debated weather or not to just go with my hot new haircut but the hat seemed to top things off nicely.

So why am I going on about what I wore? I don't really know. I've got really bad self-image issues, think I look stupid no matter what I'm wearing, and generally don't know if people find me attractive. It's something that I want to post about, but that'll be a future post. It just seemed to fit seeing as how I thought I actually was pretty put together for this kegger that nobody else was. Yet I keep forgetting that every straight college boy wears polos exclusively.

Otherwise it was fun to do the gaydar test since there was a ton of people there. I got vibes from a few guys, and was pretty sure because of the eye contact that I'd made with some of them that they indeed were correct vibes. The cutest guy was also the funniest situation, for me anyway. My friend and I had put my bag and his jacket in a bedroom, and went to grab them when we were leaving. The door closed behind us, and we got ready to go. Of course, when my friend opened the door and went out, he said something along the lines of, "That was great, man Steve's tight!" I laughed (oh if only he knew...) and as I looked at the guy who was standing nearest the door, I got the biggest vibes of the evening. He was really cute, and kinda smiled goofily at me, but didn't really express a lot of emotion. I made so crack back that my friend must not have a lot of stamina, and the guy stood there, making eye contact but not really doing much else. I'm sure he was gay, but I've never hit on a guy at a party before...oh well, it was fun.

At one point in the night we headed to a bar/club to find some of our friends. We didn't end up finding them, but got a couple shots and kinda walked around the dance floor. I'm realizing that I might actually like to dance...a frightening prospect, since I need to dance with people I know. I can't just get out there and start dancing with anyone and everyone (at least not right away, and certainly not sober). In some ways it makes me excited to actually try a gay club, since everyone there would be interested in the same sex, but I always feel stupid and that I look like a moron when I dance.

Overall a good night, ending with us crashing in front of the TV at about 5 a.m. It definately gave me my fill of college party antics for this month. Now back to another week...the second last of semester!

A failure!...

My gaydar failed me on Friday.

Totally, completely, entirely failed. I had picked up nary a flicker of "oh, he's gay" from the guy in my discussion group.

Not that I'd even realized my gaydar had developed, but it seemed to be something so natural, something that came to me one night in my dreams and hadn't yet failed me. I walk down the road, and I just know if a guy is gay. Now, I'm not talking about walking throught the Village, because that would be cheating...but I can just tell, and have had very good success rate from what other people tell me.

I couldn't even tell you what characteristics I notice when my gaydar goes off. Strange, it's not even as if a flashing red light appears overhead of anyone who I believe to be gay, it's just more of a realization, "Oh, wow you're gay!"

Anyway back to Friday morning, where sitting in my English class we were randomly devided into 10 groups, each group given a topic to discuss, and ultimately present our critical theories to the rest of the lecture. Even though I was sitting with people I know, I wound up being in a group with a newer but growing-friendlier-friend, Christina, as well as Peter, a friend who lived in my Rez building last year. There was one other guy, who I'd never spoken to before, but was very interested to meet.

You know that feeling you get when you're in a crowd of people, and you see someone you don't know. It's this sense that you should really get to know them, some unseen force pushing you to actually make contact. It happened with Lisa, and a few other people...so this isn't something that I feel every time I walk into a new class or situation. But I felt it since I'd seen this guy, and now I was given my chance.

His name is Eric, and he's in a similar-though-not-the-same program as mine. I immediately took a liking to him, because he laughed at my feably-witty jokes and seemed intelligent and sincere. We ended up talking for most of the time about things completely unrelated to the book, and it was time well spent. I even surprised myself, shy old me, as soon as he sat down in front of me I said simply, "What's your name?" and stuck out my hand. Ok, this sounds pretty lame, but nobody really does that when they have the option of just sitting there and talking superficially. I wanted to get to know him, here was my chance.

After the class I went on my way, and didn't really think about him until I got home and hit Facebook. I even forgot to add him until I'd moved on to something else...but I remembered and quickly looked him up.

His profile loaded, and I quickly scanned the info...hrm, no birthday listed, I guess I can't find out if he's older like I expected...and OH MY GOD he's gay.

Seriously, it threw me right off. I'd never expected he was gay! No suspicion, no warning...yet there it was on Facebook: Interested in - Males. Wow.

Then I got even more excited, because although he's not the typical gay guy (and after a quick check of his photos he doesn't appear to be a big partier either) I revelled in the opportunity to make this guy a friend of mine, who co-incidently would also be a gay friend. And the best part is, I didn't seek him out thinking "I must make this gay guy my friend," but rather, "I want to meet this guy and get to know him, and wow he's also gay, isn't that a funny afterthought!"

So I'm very excited to get back into class with him and hopefully get friendlier with him. Even though school's almost over, whatever, he'll be around next year too. I want to plant the seed before I miss the opportunity!

Also, I have to test my gaydar a couple more times before I move home, because I'm going to need it this summer, in the event I detect someone I know or meet is gay (because it's going to be one hell of a lonely summer...). I've gotta make sure my equipment is in working order before I start flirting with the guy at the library, after my startling failure-to-detect.