A boy's white night (Part 1)...

Of course, we can't kick off any fun evening without a ton of awkward.

Laura and I went to pick up her friend while on our way to Nuit Blanche, the 'massive free contemporary art thing' that takes over the city from 7 p.m. to 7 a.m. with free art exhibitions. Having missed out on it last year, I resolved to go this year. Of course, the group of people supposedly going was whittled down by the time we actually hit the street, but it was still fun.

We stopped to pick up Katie, Laura's friend and classmate. Katie is the type that doesn't hold back, honest to the point of blunt rudeness...but she also has a sweet heart, and if you get on her good side, she'll do anything for you. I realized as we walked into her building, with growing dread, that my ex-roommate lives at the very same address.

I told myself nothing could possibly happen while we rode the elevator to Katie's. It's not like I'm going to magically run into her...

The doors opened, and knocked. No answer. Laura called, and Katie was downstairs with another friend, and would be up in a minute.

Time stood still as the elevator doors opened. Out stepped Katie, some other girl, and my ex-roommate. They all walked towards us. My face went like stone, and Laura's eyes darted between me and the Ex. The pressure in the room changed, with so much negative energy flowing between the two of us. It caught everyone off guard.

We went inside, me reluctantly, and sat around Katie's apartment. At an apropriate moment, Katie looked over at Laura. "Do they know each other?" she said softly.

"They used to be roommates..." Laura answered.

Katie looked at me. "Is this awkward for you?"

"Incrediably."

We sat in a circle, with vague attemts at chatting, but the Ex and I never even made eye contact. She seemed uncomfortable, which I relished, as she spun her can of Diet Pepsi in her hands. Gleefully I observed she's gained weight and looks like crap. Why this matters, I don't know, but considering she's one of the very, very few people I despise (and for very legitimate reasons) I enjoyed the observation. Of course, I never said anything like that to anyone, because I'm slightly better than that.

She played the part of 'nice-girl' in the situation, chatting with Laura about this and that, seemingly interested. I've seen this mask she puts on, it's the one that wins people over, because it seems genuine. She's not coming down of E or worried about slutting it up for the clubs tonight, she's just the friendly girl who happened to drop by.

Finally, by the grace of God, after 45 mintues the random girl and the Ex got up and left. I breathed a sigh of relief.

As soon as the door was closed, Katie looked at me. This was the first time we met, but I felt comfortable enough to talk with her.

"What the hell was that!?" she asked. I told her in very loose terms that we had been roommates, and things went badly...and we aren't really on speaking terms. I also said, since she seems to know her, I didn't want to bring too much up. She's allowed to make her own judgments.

"Oh, I don't even know her, I just met her. That other girl I met yesterday, they seemed to be hanging out..." Katie said. What are the chances?

She seemed sympathetic, and I appologized. "I'm sorry for all that tension shit," I said, "really, that was just awkward."

"No, it's ok," Katie said. "But wow, I mean, I could feel it between you two. There was just this thing hanging between us..."

Good to know it's visible to the entire population.

What I've been doing...

Today is my lazy day, and it feels earned.

Strange to say, since I've just moved back to Toronto on Monday, but it's been a crazy week. Totally unexpected. Everything from my move in day to now has basically been unplanned.

So today, I slept late (9:20!), and have been puttering almost ever since. Except for the last half hour, when I was doing actual work, which is important and time-sensitive.

-----

It's incredibly hot outside. Warmer than usual, considering our summer was a scorcher some days. The heat is an oppressive wave from which there is no relief. I keep my blinds closed to block sun, but the stagnant air flowing through does little to cool my body.

The fan is running on 3, it's highest setting, and even it does little. How much can it improve, if all it does is blow the already hot air around the room? I miss air conditioning. Every crack and crevice of the apartment is hot, including the cupboards. It makes me afraid of some type of spontaneous combustion of my package of bread crumbs or whole wheat pasta.

The weather man says that it's going to be cool mid-70's by tomorrow. One more day of heat. I remember when heat meant blissful relaxation in the shade. Now it just means melting in your shoes on your walk home, then melting some more in your bed.

Plus, I smell bad. Stupid sweat.

--

Joe is big, lanky and has a grin incomparable to others. Honest, fair and balanced. Genuine.

We ran into each other yesterday afternoon, along with a few other friends. People chatted, and slowly the crowd dispersed. It left just the two of us, and he needed to get something done before he could call it a day.

I accompanied him while he finished working, which took 90 minutes. I had no other pressing plans, and our obscure location afforded me time in a place I have visited only once before. We plan on returning another day to watch some more.

Afterwards, we were walking down the street, and simultaneously said, "Lets get a beer!" Beer and pub food, and good catching up time.

"So this year...I wanna actually date," he tells me, and I smiled along. Sounds good, after all, doesn't everyone? "What about you, how's the lady-front going?"

I paused. This was it. Do I choose to out myself to a trustworthy friend, or just shrug it off with an "I'm-not-seeing-anyone."

"Actually, I'm gay," I said, strangely sounding more confident and concrete than I had expected to.

He smiled. "Oh, I didn't know!"

"I don't think a lot of people do," I said. "Not something that comes up often I guess."

"Dude, if I've ever said anything offensive, I'm sorry," he offered, but he's never done so. Straight-up stand-up guy.

He asked if my parents know, and how it went with my mom. "I kinda wouldn't have a big deal with it," he said, "my parents would probably be excited for me!" I told him I was jealous.

The conversation resumed it's normal tenor, as if I had told him I was left handed.

--

I saw my ex-roommate in the grocery store yesterday. Maybe she didn't see me, or so I'm telling myself. I had bought my salad for lunch, and was just about to leave when she angled by me, thankfully far enough away. She had a bemused smirk on her face, which makes me wonder if she was already laughing at me. I turned and went to he floral section, checking out the bouquets and potted plants with immense interest. Eventually I tore my phone from my pocket, holding it to my ear as if deep in conversation. I frowned, nodded, then hung up and made another call.

I probably looked like an idiot. But I really don't want to face her. I still get that sick feeling in my stomach when I think about having to ever see her again.

--

Tonight I will travel to the Bank of Montreal's Football field and be one of the lucky people who hear Genesis' newly re-formed tour. It's very exciting, I've never been to the 'first concert' in a tour before. Hopefully there will be lots of surprises (the good kind).

The possible bad surprise is the fact it may rain. None of the weather sources can agree on when it will start; some swear not until after midnight, while others cast a gloomy (pun intended) picture, claiming an 8:30 p.m. shower is not out of the question.

Wiped...

You know when you're tired, especially when your body feels all dragged down.

Like this morning, I woke up with a scratchy throat, baggy eyes and a bit of a headache that never really went away. After considering it for the day, I decided that I'm tired and should probably get some sleep (after I post, of course).

Today was uneventful, but it was nice not to be too busy. I did something wonderful, though. I handed in my 60-day notice to my landlord, so I'm officially going to be away from my hellish roommate soon! Not that the 60 days come before the end of school, but it formally recognizes the fact that we're done in that short amount of time. Yay!

Also in exciting news, on Wednesday night Laura and I had dinner at her place, where she announced that one of her roommates is moving out, and she wants me to move in. At first I was so surprised that I didn't really get excited, rather started disecting reasons why I shouldn't live with her and her other roommate (who I love). But I couldn't come up with anything substantial (other than we need to do some serious decorating...wait, isn't it supposed to be the woman's touch? not the other way around?...) When I told my mom about it, she basically said that I'm doing it, "Right!?" So there are no formal details yet about when I get my room, but it's 95% official that I have new roommates for next year.

This weather is so wonderful, a real boost for soul. Better weather means more people out, and there's nothing more that I love than the bustling city streets (especially at night, it's just so damn cool!). But I swear, I'm going to have to stop walking home through the Village at night. Of course, I was passing through at 11, prime-time where everyone is showing up. During the daylight hours, I shake my head and think, "I don't need to be a part of that, hell, I don't go clubbing as it is, so why would I want to go gay clubbing?" Yet when it's dark out, all I can think about while walking home is how great it would be to have a group to go out with, people that I fit in with who weren't (completely) judgemental.

I don't even know what's reality vs. what's illusion. All I read about are the major drug problems with gay (and straight) clubs, the unsafe sex pratices of people who indulge in it, the horribly judgemental queens who tear each other to shreads. But the illusion I see when walking down the street is hot, young guys having fun in a pretty comrader-ish way.

My current make-me-feel-better attitude is, "Don't worry about it for this year, you've got 2 weeks of school left, you're not going to develop a social life in that time anyway so just focus on next September and doing it then." But that's always my approach...invest in my fantasy about the future. To an extent, it's worked out ok. I managed to do a lot of stuff in this semester that was only a dream in first semester...but it's more complicated than that. I have to meet gay guys who I'm compatible with for friendship, then develop enough of a group to actually go out with, then actually take the plunge and go...all this from a guy who doesn't know how to make 'new friends' anyway.

Ugh. Well I'm not going to beat myself up about it tonight (I'm too tired anyway), but I just can't shake the images of the hot blondes in tight pants bouncing down the road to the clubs, while I walked home on another night. God, I really need to stop repeating this post over and over and over...

That bitch...

If you recall, my roommate and I don't get along. It's for various reasons, but overall she's turned into a psycho-bitch.

Well last night I came home after hanging out at some friend's, around 10:45. It was a night like any other, she was in her room, and I was headed to mine. But then came the buzzer, and I knew she had company.

I went into my room, closed my door and dropped my towel along the floor in front of it. There's about a 2" gap from the bottom of the door to the floor, and it's pretty loud when there are people talking in the living room. You get to hear things you shouldn't. Hell, you still get to hear things even with a towel across.

As I was standing up, I heard her talking to a guy whose voice I've never heard before. But it was strange, because the first thing he asked was if her "weird roommate" was home.

"Oh, I don't know, his light was on a minute ago, but maybe he shut it off...or left...he's weird."

She then went on to have a 3 minute discussion about how I was the one who made our situation the way it is, how she's tried to be nice but I won't respond, and how thankfully it's only 2 more months until our lease is up because "this is no way to live."

Ohhh...poor her...yeah, I'm really a bastard to live with! I clean and am conscious of the noise I make (especially when trash-talking), and if my ignoring her exsistance because she's nothing but a spoilt child means that I'm weird...then yes, I'm a freak.

I couldn't believe that I was still surprised about the things she comes out with. Or that I can still be hurt by the fact that someone I don't respect in the least is trashing me to another person, who I don't even know. I tried to stop myself, I stood there and said "I don't care what she thinks of me. In a few weeks I'll never have to speak to her again." It worked. Sorta.

I pulled on headphones to drown out the noise, and because I didn't want to hear anything else. But she had invaded my inbox last night too. An e-mail sat waiting, asking what my plans are about moving out since we have to give our notice soon. She then added something about how she "doesn't like the way we're living, it annoys me" and a couple other childish comments about our living situation.

That pretty much sealed the deal for me. I drafted a very nasty response, including "You really should watch what you say in this place...the walls are thin, in case you forget that." (Oooh scandalous comment, eh? It'd have made more sense in the context of the e-mail) But I didn't send it. Either I'm more mature or more professional (or those are the qualities I call being intimidated and meek), but I couldn't send it. It's just not cricket, no matter how much of a bitch she is. Professionalism to the last!

However, in the event she sends me an e-mail after we part ways, I'll have no problem telling her how much of a disappointing human being she is.