Broadcasting signals...

I had the mixed fortune of passing through Huntsville yesterday evening.

As you might remember, it's our favorite vacation spot. I love the area and was glad to get to see it, even though we were literally just passing through (long story...). Through a set of circumstances, we ended up eating dinner at the Swiss Chalet just on the edge of town.

We were seated in the corner booth, but to get there we had to pass the waiters station. There stood the usual array of workers, mostly young girls with a few guys mixed in. One of the guys instantly caught my eye, he looked pretty cute, and he had the most amazing black-and-nearly-white-blond hair color. I've seen this done before, and it can look really good or really stupid, but on this guy, it fit.

I had a very good impression he was gay, bringing my total number of known homosexual youth in Huntsville to two. As we passed by, I heard him talking to one of the other waitresses. What can I say, but he had a 'gay voice'.

I mused over what it must be like to be that noticeably gay in such a small community, as I did with the guy from April. But a second thought struck me, the fact that he was noticeably gay. Not that he was wearing a pride flag or making out with a dude, but there was really no question about his orientation.

This lead to two thoughts. First, why do some people have these signals, and others don't? And second, what signals, if any, do I broadcast?

Though people may choose to embrace more gay stereotypes as they integrate themselves into the gay community, I had the feeling this guy was not playing up the gayness. It really felt like he was just being himself. What a wonderful thing, in a way, to have these more pronounced signals. Coming out would really not be a 'surprise' to family and friends, and it would make you obscenely noticeable to other gays.

Of course, there would be the inevitable downside to this trait. All through the intolerant young years of school one would probably feel more out of place than if they were simply a well-disguised closeted gay. But once you were a little older, and had a group of friends who were more mature, being yourself would be a lot less difficult.

So why is it that some people broadcast these signals so effortlessly? It goes beyond gaydar, as I have noticed by walking through the Village that many guys simply have an air about them that takes it beyond the flicker of gaydar and makes it nearly undisputed fact.

And of course, I look at myself and think, "Am I broadcasting?"

There have been comments before in previous posts when I wondered aloud if people understood my sexuality without me formally introducing it. It has been suggested that I likely had been 'figured out' by other gays. But I question, and worry, if that's the case.

I don't know how I would describe myself. I hate sports, know little about the traditional 'manly things' like plumbing and electrical wiring (though thanks to my Dad I can manage to do some things...), and don't live to tinker on my car. But I also don't read fashion magazines, wear skintight t-shirts and carry a miniature dog in a bag on my shoulder.

I do, however, use several different facial cosmetic soaps, am very particular about what shampoo and products I use, and order 136-step-non-fat-coffee-concoctions. I care about calories, would kill to actually be able to tan, and generally thoroughly enjoy the finer things in life.

So what does it all mean? Am I flying under the radar's of gays everywhere? Am I written off as too straight, dismissed because I don't fit a mould. It it not subtly obvious that I'm sleeping with guys? Or is it as clear as the Swiss Chalet waiter that I'm playing for the other team.

The hot blonde on TV...

I saw something on TV the other night that made me a little sad.

I don't remember what time of night it was, probably around 1 a.m., and I was going to go to sleep. But as I flipped the TV back from my DVD player to a regular station, I caught a scene that held my interest (later to be determined it was The Real World: Denver).

Right away I could tell it was some Reality television program, a genre that I never watch. I was going to shut it off when I stopped and heard what the gorgeous blonde guy was saying.

Stifling tears, he was talking about, "How much I loved him," etc etc. At this point I was interested. Whats this about gays on TV?

The girl he was with tried (not so desperately) to calm him, patting his hand and offering him some simple statements. But he kept getting more adgitated, and kept on drinking. Seconds later, he was pleading with another guy, asking why his boyfriend had left him, when he was all he had. The other guy tried to calm him, but had no revalations to give the blonde.

Then, out of nowhere, the blonde wipes his tears back and says, "I don't want to be gay. I hate it, I want a wife, and a family, and kids and a house. I don't want to be gay! Do you think I'm really gay?"

The friend says yes, you're gay. Don't deny yourself.

"But I've got demons inside me! I'm going to go to hell, I won't be saved. God won't save my soul! Please, pray for me, I want to be saved. Do you think God will save me?"

Moving in, the friend holds the blonde's shoulders. "You're not going to hell. God will forgive you."

It cuts to an interview with the blonde after that night, and I learned a bit more about the story. Seems he cheated on his boyfriend in some one night stand, and the boyfriend left him. Not so shocking, and not really undeserved.

But then the real sad parts come out. How this beautiful blonde is really actually an almost completely lost soul. His family has no connection to him, simply because he's gay. "It's like they treat you like some friend, its an imposition to pick you up at the airport," he explains, as tears slide down his face. There's nothing good in his life, he drinks too much, and the only person that really loves him, the boyfriend who now left him, he drove away because of some stupid decisions.

My heart really broke for this guy, someone who normally I wouldn't think of as having such a sad story. After all, when I first see him, he's in a bar looking hot as hell, with a body and face to die for. He's chatting with his friends, he must have his shit together. I mean, what problems could this guy possibly have? He's too pretty to have problems.

But his probably not-too-uncommon story, about his family and his being unloved, really killed me. Sure, I've got my issues with things, but I don't have anything nearly as bad as him. And there, drunk (and honest), he's proclaiming that he wants to be straight, and to purge himself of the demons that make him gay. I'll admit I welled up a little seeing the pain flash on his face, and hearing the real truth about the pretty boy on TV.

I went to bed feeling thoroughally sorry for this guy, but when I thought about it in the morning, I realized I gave him the benefit of the doubt. I did something that I try to do when I am all to willing to lable someone as a victim of circumstance: change the characteristics of the person in question. Instead of a hot gay guy who cheated on his boyfriend, I thought of a straight girl who had done the same thing, and my sympathy was drastically scaled back. Sure, it's horrible about his family, but he also did something that would, if not for the other parts of his story, seem inexcusable.

Ultimately it boiled down to two different parts. The first being his depressing life story, and how eye opening it was for me to hear it. And the second, his one night stand that ruined his only loving relationship, something that I'm not as ready to forgive him for. Either way, I learned something, and tore down another stereotype that I didn't really realize I had built in my mind.

P.S. And what the hell was with the demons part! I didn't know people who were actually gay bought that crap! I thought it was just hate mongering from the far-right religious camps...poor guy!