I think my family is trying hard to kill me.
Two afternoons ago, my mother fell over the dog. For the first time in 8 years.
Naturally, since nothing is easy and everything has to be some sort of pain in the ass, she wound up doing quite a bit of damage to herself. As she explained, it was either land on her head or her wrist...and sadly the wrist lost out against the interlock in the garden.
When it happened, she assumed it wasn't a big deal. The day wore on, I went to a friend's for a bonfire and come-out session, and collapsed into bed at 2 a.m.
Yesterday morning I was awoken by mom cracking my door open and stage-whispering my name over and over. I think my first thought was, 'Oh, fuck.' This was a little before 8 a.m., and with a few hours of sleep behind me (and not quite being over the lack of sleep since Thursday) I energetically bounded out of bed to take her to the doctors office.
The rest of the day was taken up by visits to 4 doctor's offices, with the confirmation and casting of a broken wrist. At one point, at a stop at the grocery between doctors, she was relaying the news to my dad. She then started to cry, in the middle of the frozen food's section, because this ailment puts her out of commission for the rest of the summer.
It's not as if she's whining about the pain, it's more the fact that her summer pastime as part of a woman's racing team was now going to be cut off completely. So there I stood rubbing her back in the aisle as she said how pissed she was at herself for doing such a stupid thing. I stared at her, not really knowing what to say.
We then got home where an e-mail was waiting to let her know that an acquaintance of hers from her team had died the day before. This brought on more crying and back rubbing, with her becoming very emotional and concerned over this woman's death. The entire time, I sat there trying to think of what to say, but nothing very calming or compassionate escaped my lips. After she had composed herself, I slouched into my chair and exhaled, trying to pull myself back together.
I then spent the remainder of the afternoon doing all the things I was doing when my parents were away, since she cannot now lift or otherwise move her arm. Through most of this, she followed me around changing her attitude from 'this can't be happening' to 'you're not doing that how I would...'
My father has been equally 'interesting' lately. Last night he literally followed me around the house recounting the finer points of American domestic policy in Alaska during the Second World War. I attempted a few times to either change the subject or end the conversation all together, but to no avail.
This all makes me feel guilty, because while I'm listening to the history lesson he's lecturing on I simply want to become invisible and walk away. But afterwards, I feel horrible because, after all, he's my father whom I don't get to see a lot and I should take advantage of the opportunity to spend time with him.
Still, its a fine line. I hope he's not mistaking my somewhat blank-faced stares as there being something wrong with me (though I suppose there is...), and trying even harder to engage me in conversation. But when it gets to the point where he's waiting for you to get out of the shower (on your way to bed, mind you) to talk about the thunderstorms moving further east than expected, one wants to scream.
To top it all off, I ended up checking out my Facebook and getting more great news. Remember Rez Guy? The one who wants to sleep with me, and who I was gladly going to befriend? Well, guess what he's been up to lately...apparently he is now listen in a relationship with someone. Bloody hell. I give up. One of the 'perks' I had to look forward to upon returning to Toronto has now shacked up with some guy. How dare he!
All in all, I just feel at then end of my tether. Half of me says, "Oh for Christs sake, you've got nothing to complain about, suck it up!" Then the other half thinks I have the right to, at every alternate moment, want to burst into tears and hide under my bedsheets. Being not completely self-absorbed, I have the side that feels dutiful and responsible for my parents, but it's reaching such an emotional plateau right now that I'm starting to have trouble dealing with it.
Wednesday, July 11, 2007
Monday, July 9, 2007
For everyone...
Lyrics that I've hearkened to coming out to your family, dedicated to everyone who's at that stage in their life... make sure you read the last post before this one...
"Well I have know you
Since you were a small boy
And your mama used to say
My boy is gonna grow up and be
Some kind of leader some day.
Then you'd turn on the radio
And sing with the singer in the band
And your mama would say to you
This isn't exactly what she had planned.
But you're a legend in your own time
A hero in the footlights
Playin tunes to fit your rhyme
But a legends only a lonely boy
When he goes home alone.
And although I know you
Still have the heart of that small boy
Well, you lend it out far too much
And no one woman loving you
Can ever tell if you've been really touched.
Then you turn on the radio
And sing with the singer in the band
And think kind of sadly to yourself
This isn't exactly what you had planned.
But you're a legend in your own time
A hero in the footlights
Playin tunes to fit your rhyme
But a legends only a lonely boy
When he goes home alone..."
legend in your own time - carly simon
"Well I have know you
Since you were a small boy
And your mama used to say
My boy is gonna grow up and be
Some kind of leader some day.
Then you'd turn on the radio
And sing with the singer in the band
And your mama would say to you
This isn't exactly what she had planned.
But you're a legend in your own time
A hero in the footlights
Playin tunes to fit your rhyme
But a legends only a lonely boy
When he goes home alone.
And although I know you
Still have the heart of that small boy
Well, you lend it out far too much
And no one woman loving you
Can ever tell if you've been really touched.
Then you turn on the radio
And sing with the singer in the band
And think kind of sadly to yourself
This isn't exactly what you had planned.
But you're a legend in your own time
A hero in the footlights
Playin tunes to fit your rhyme
But a legends only a lonely boy
When he goes home alone..."
legend in your own time - carly simon
That was hard...
It's been a very long and confusing few days.
It all started happening on Friday morning. I was doing my thing, getting ready to go downtown with a few friends for an overnighter at my new apartment (long story there...) and had taken some laundry downstairs where my mom was working.
She was standing at the washer, then looked over at me. I don't remember what she said before, but then she asked, "Can I ask you something that might sound silly?"
Immediately I got that gut-rush feeling, and I wondered what she was about to say.
I don't even remember what the first statement was about really, but it had basically come down to if I'd 'decided' if I was gay or not. She phrased it a little strangely, I guess avoiding the big 'G' word, asking if I'd completely given up on girls and the whole thing.
I told her honestly that I was more attracted to guys, but that I would never rule out the possibility that someday I might fall for a woman. I was a little taken back by the question, since I thought I'd made it pretty clear before that I was indeed interested in guys...you know, I thought telling her about dating one would make it pretty concrete. But she seemed to think that maybe I'd changed my mind. She said she'd been thinking a lot about it, but didn't know if she should talk about it or not. Since I always told her that she should ask me anything she went ahead with it.
The conversation flowed pretty strangely after that initial question, I can't recall what was said in what order, but the thing that really got her going was something she discovered on vacation. "People were all talking about their grandkids," she said, eyes starting to well up in tears. "I just realized I really wanted that too, someday..." And she started to cry.
I didn't know what to say. Sure, I could tell her that maybe one day I would adopt, but seeing as she thought I might have changed my mind about guys, I guessed she might not be ready for such news. I opted for the truth, that I had no intention, gay , straight or otherwise, to have children for a long time. Who knows when it would be, but it's something that I never intended for my immediate future.
"I know that, I wouldn't want you to have kids now..." she said. "But still, will you ever?"
She continued to cry, and I hugged her close. After a few minutes she got a little more composed and we kept talking about lots of stuff. She questioned my weight loss and renewed interest in my appearance as related to sexuality. She asked if anyone had hurt me, then started to cry again saying she could never stand to loose me. I hugged her again, trying to assure her nobody would hurt me.
Then she wondered who I'd told, and what their reactions were. I answered I had told almost all my close friends, and that everyone had been supportive and quite alright with it. She said it might not be a good idea to tell anyone else, because if I haven't decided if I was, "Gay or straight yet," I probably shouldn't let people get the wrong ideas. And how was I supposed to get a girl if everyone thought I was gay? I just said, as I believe, that if it were the case it would be between myself and whomever, and other people could think/say what they want, as they do naturally.
We then hit the most sensitive topic...telling my father. "Do you think we should tell him at all?" she said. Obviously, I replied, since I do plan on actually having a life, and he needs to know. "But I don't know how he'll take it...I just don't know..." she said, stifling another round of tears. I told her of course I've played through in my mind all the different things that could go really badly when telling him, how I'm terrified of his reaction. The hardest thing for me is the thought that he might not love me as much as he did the moment before I told him ever again, simply because. Then I collapsed into tears.
We stood there, in the basement with the washer door open, crying and holding on to each other. I haven't cried like that in a while, my body shaking and twitching as salt slid onto my lips. I tried to catch my breath, but couldn't stop. "Jesus," I whispered in her ear, "I'm so scared."
I asked her if she loved me still, and she answered, "Of course I love you, you should know that." I do know that. "But are you disappointed?"
She paused. "Well, yes, I mean it's not what I would have preffered..."
I don't really take offence to that. I think.
We talked a few minutes more about it, then moved on to other things. For the rest of the day I felt horrible inside, and I don't know why. I mean, here I was being pretty damn honest with her, confirming that I hadn't changed my mind, and talking about the future. But I guess it was the future part that scares me.
There are moments where I feel like pulling on the brakes and getting off this train. After talking to her, it felt like things were going to be so much harder than I had envisioned before, in all respects. How would my father react? And what about my life from here on, would I be segregated?
I also realized that afternoon that I just don't feel strong anymore. Before I had all that pent up frustration that just ended up channeling itself into inner strength. After crying my eyes out, I just didn't feel strength anymore. I'm sick of having to be the strong one in all of this. But I don't have anyone to lean on, since it's pretty clear that mom is still working through her own issues with it, and not really ready to help me.
At one point she asked if I had anyone to talk about this stuff with. I said my friends had been good about it, but no, really I didn't have any gay friends or people in my life who I talk to on a person-to-person basis. But I said I did have people. "Don't think this is weird..." I told her, "But I talk to people online. Not freaks and rapists, but bloggers and people who are in the same situations as me." Surprisingly she seemed alright with this.
I ended up recounting the story to my friends that afternoon, and had to bite my lip a few times so I wouldn't re-erupt into tears. They were good about listening, but of course couldn't offer much advice other than just being support for me.
Saturday I felt the flip side of the bizarre post-crying terror, and actually was really happy we'd had another conversation about it. I was closer to being out, and being clear that things weren't going to change. The world hadn't exploded after talking about it some more, and the ground we covered seemed to be a positive step forward. I wound up at a friend's birthday kegger in another city, so I didn't really spend any time at home until getting back Sunday night.
Today I don't know how I feel. I guess a mixture of good and bad, with the overwhelming sensation of, "Did that just happen?" thrown in for good measure. I don't know if I'm seeing the light at the end of the tunnel, or the headlights of a train barreling down at me...
It all started happening on Friday morning. I was doing my thing, getting ready to go downtown with a few friends for an overnighter at my new apartment (long story there...) and had taken some laundry downstairs where my mom was working.
She was standing at the washer, then looked over at me. I don't remember what she said before, but then she asked, "Can I ask you something that might sound silly?"
Immediately I got that gut-rush feeling, and I wondered what she was about to say.
I don't even remember what the first statement was about really, but it had basically come down to if I'd 'decided' if I was gay or not. She phrased it a little strangely, I guess avoiding the big 'G' word, asking if I'd completely given up on girls and the whole thing.
I told her honestly that I was more attracted to guys, but that I would never rule out the possibility that someday I might fall for a woman. I was a little taken back by the question, since I thought I'd made it pretty clear before that I was indeed interested in guys...you know, I thought telling her about dating one would make it pretty concrete. But she seemed to think that maybe I'd changed my mind. She said she'd been thinking a lot about it, but didn't know if she should talk about it or not. Since I always told her that she should ask me anything she went ahead with it.
The conversation flowed pretty strangely after that initial question, I can't recall what was said in what order, but the thing that really got her going was something she discovered on vacation. "People were all talking about their grandkids," she said, eyes starting to well up in tears. "I just realized I really wanted that too, someday..." And she started to cry.
I didn't know what to say. Sure, I could tell her that maybe one day I would adopt, but seeing as she thought I might have changed my mind about guys, I guessed she might not be ready for such news. I opted for the truth, that I had no intention, gay , straight or otherwise, to have children for a long time. Who knows when it would be, but it's something that I never intended for my immediate future.
"I know that, I wouldn't want you to have kids now..." she said. "But still, will you ever?"
She continued to cry, and I hugged her close. After a few minutes she got a little more composed and we kept talking about lots of stuff. She questioned my weight loss and renewed interest in my appearance as related to sexuality. She asked if anyone had hurt me, then started to cry again saying she could never stand to loose me. I hugged her again, trying to assure her nobody would hurt me.
Then she wondered who I'd told, and what their reactions were. I answered I had told almost all my close friends, and that everyone had been supportive and quite alright with it. She said it might not be a good idea to tell anyone else, because if I haven't decided if I was, "Gay or straight yet," I probably shouldn't let people get the wrong ideas. And how was I supposed to get a girl if everyone thought I was gay? I just said, as I believe, that if it were the case it would be between myself and whomever, and other people could think/say what they want, as they do naturally.
We then hit the most sensitive topic...telling my father. "Do you think we should tell him at all?" she said. Obviously, I replied, since I do plan on actually having a life, and he needs to know. "But I don't know how he'll take it...I just don't know..." she said, stifling another round of tears. I told her of course I've played through in my mind all the different things that could go really badly when telling him, how I'm terrified of his reaction. The hardest thing for me is the thought that he might not love me as much as he did the moment before I told him ever again, simply because. Then I collapsed into tears.
We stood there, in the basement with the washer door open, crying and holding on to each other. I haven't cried like that in a while, my body shaking and twitching as salt slid onto my lips. I tried to catch my breath, but couldn't stop. "Jesus," I whispered in her ear, "I'm so scared."
I asked her if she loved me still, and she answered, "Of course I love you, you should know that." I do know that. "But are you disappointed?"
She paused. "Well, yes, I mean it's not what I would have preffered..."
I don't really take offence to that. I think.
We talked a few minutes more about it, then moved on to other things. For the rest of the day I felt horrible inside, and I don't know why. I mean, here I was being pretty damn honest with her, confirming that I hadn't changed my mind, and talking about the future. But I guess it was the future part that scares me.
There are moments where I feel like pulling on the brakes and getting off this train. After talking to her, it felt like things were going to be so much harder than I had envisioned before, in all respects. How would my father react? And what about my life from here on, would I be segregated?
I also realized that afternoon that I just don't feel strong anymore. Before I had all that pent up frustration that just ended up channeling itself into inner strength. After crying my eyes out, I just didn't feel strength anymore. I'm sick of having to be the strong one in all of this. But I don't have anyone to lean on, since it's pretty clear that mom is still working through her own issues with it, and not really ready to help me.
At one point she asked if I had anyone to talk about this stuff with. I said my friends had been good about it, but no, really I didn't have any gay friends or people in my life who I talk to on a person-to-person basis. But I said I did have people. "Don't think this is weird..." I told her, "But I talk to people online. Not freaks and rapists, but bloggers and people who are in the same situations as me." Surprisingly she seemed alright with this.
I ended up recounting the story to my friends that afternoon, and had to bite my lip a few times so I wouldn't re-erupt into tears. They were good about listening, but of course couldn't offer much advice other than just being support for me.
Saturday I felt the flip side of the bizarre post-crying terror, and actually was really happy we'd had another conversation about it. I was closer to being out, and being clear that things weren't going to change. The world hadn't exploded after talking about it some more, and the ground we covered seemed to be a positive step forward. I wound up at a friend's birthday kegger in another city, so I didn't really spend any time at home until getting back Sunday night.
Today I don't know how I feel. I guess a mixture of good and bad, with the overwhelming sensation of, "Did that just happen?" thrown in for good measure. I don't know if I'm seeing the light at the end of the tunnel, or the headlights of a train barreling down at me...
Wednesday, July 4, 2007
Find me one of each...
I was thinking today. Where the hell am I exactly?
It feels like there's been a long period of inactivity with the whole 'coming out/growing up' thing.
Sure, I've railed on how I worry about fitting in, about meeting people and being alone. There are lots of things that scare me, worry me, keep me up at night...
But really, I need to take a step back and realize that a big part of the problem is the fact I really have no interaction with the world that I'm at times terrified of. A large part of it is the fear of that world, but the other part is the lack of any idea of actually getting into it. Basically, I need an in.
I don't really have gay friends. Anyone who I know is gay isn't really more than an acquaintance of mine, and our friendships aren't based on experiencing the gay life. Naturally for me to actually be able to grow I need to make some friends and actually start having some gay experiences.
So am I allowed to still be in that awkward stage, where I still feel so small? It's been 6 months since it all started to change, and I know that I've changed so much in that time. But at the same time, I don't feel any new changes on the horizon...I've simply stalled out. Part of the motivation for the changes 6 months ago was the stifling need for me to deal with it. My belief that things would simply happen at the right moment left me waiting and waiting, until finally in what I might look back on one day as a stupid idea took hold and I set out on this journey.
These days, there's really nothing changing. Sure, I can blame a lot of that on my location. Not being in school or in Toronto means no access to 'gay' things. But would I even be taking advantage of them if I were there in the first place? Probably not. I'd do what I've done so far, meet people online, and either satisfy myself sexually or start looking for someone who's interested in pursuing a relationship. Those are big things, and surely lots of guys are doing the same thing. But I want to grow more than that. I want to meet people, to be picked up by and go home with some hot guy who made fuck-me eyes at me across the room. I want to stumble into a situation where I find someone who's actually interested in me, and wants to give dating a try.
And how do I do all this? No idea. But I've decided I need two people in my life right now: an Old Priest and a Young Priest.
The Old Priest would satisfy my need for answers. He would be someone who's already established, who's done it all (or most of it, anyway) and wants to shed some light on what exactly goes on where. I'm talking full disclosure here, from everything on relationships and sex to where to go to sex parties, and everything in between. This mysterious figure would have no sexual interest in me, and would act as a foundation for me, someone to help me build myself on.
It goes beyond simply wanting someone to tell me flippant things about being gay. It seems like breaking into some parts of the gay world would be greatly facilitated by having someone who could explain it to me. I've been told that gay bars in Toronto are very preditorial, and honestly I wouldn't know what to do or how to deal with things if I simply went one night and saw what happened. I want someone who can coach me through these things, tell me what mysterious signs to watch for and not make me feel like a terrified 15-year-old girl.
I can't even imagine having someone like that in my life, someone who actually knows what they're doing and would be kind enough to teach me everything there is to know about the gay world. Someone who can take me by the hand, walk me through the Village and push me through the right doors.
My problem isn't that I'm leading two seperate lives, one straight and one gay. I'm simply so isolated that I can't develop anymore without opening the right doors. At the same time, I don't want to flail blindly, tossing my arms out and latching on to whatever is convenient. I don't want to be a 'low quality gay', I want to know what the hell I'm doing and how to actually get where I want to go.
The Young Priest would be someone around my age, and around my naivetay and experience level, or just slightly more. I need someone who I can actually bounce ideas off of, someone who I can do things with and go places with, and try to meet people through.
A lot of the reason I don't have gay friends lies in the vicious cycle that is the closet...I don't want to go to some gay bar and try to meet people because I don't know what the hell I'm doing, yet the logical way to meet homosexuals would be to surround yourself by them. And even so, I'm not very good at just making conversation with a stranger. How exactly do you develop a group of young gay friends?
Thats why I want to meet a Young Priest who's not all that established himself. I want someone who I can bond with based on our current position in life, and someone who wants, like me, to start developing friendships and social networks. I think even if I did meet a wonderfully connected guy, I would be too intimidated to get too friendly because he would represent everything I am not, and I would fear rejection.
Will I meet either of these figures? Probably not. Probably they don't exist, and if they do, I probably wouldn't meet them. But I realize that I need to start doing something more to push myself towards actually getting 'out there'. I don't want to be the flaming life of the party, but I do want to take advantage of some friends and some fun.
It feels like there's been a long period of inactivity with the whole 'coming out/growing up' thing.
Sure, I've railed on how I worry about fitting in, about meeting people and being alone. There are lots of things that scare me, worry me, keep me up at night...
But really, I need to take a step back and realize that a big part of the problem is the fact I really have no interaction with the world that I'm at times terrified of. A large part of it is the fear of that world, but the other part is the lack of any idea of actually getting into it. Basically, I need an in.
I don't really have gay friends. Anyone who I know is gay isn't really more than an acquaintance of mine, and our friendships aren't based on experiencing the gay life. Naturally for me to actually be able to grow I need to make some friends and actually start having some gay experiences.
So am I allowed to still be in that awkward stage, where I still feel so small? It's been 6 months since it all started to change, and I know that I've changed so much in that time. But at the same time, I don't feel any new changes on the horizon...I've simply stalled out. Part of the motivation for the changes 6 months ago was the stifling need for me to deal with it. My belief that things would simply happen at the right moment left me waiting and waiting, until finally in what I might look back on one day as a stupid idea took hold and I set out on this journey.
These days, there's really nothing changing. Sure, I can blame a lot of that on my location. Not being in school or in Toronto means no access to 'gay' things. But would I even be taking advantage of them if I were there in the first place? Probably not. I'd do what I've done so far, meet people online, and either satisfy myself sexually or start looking for someone who's interested in pursuing a relationship. Those are big things, and surely lots of guys are doing the same thing. But I want to grow more than that. I want to meet people, to be picked up by and go home with some hot guy who made fuck-me eyes at me across the room. I want to stumble into a situation where I find someone who's actually interested in me, and wants to give dating a try.
And how do I do all this? No idea. But I've decided I need two people in my life right now: an Old Priest and a Young Priest.
The Old Priest would satisfy my need for answers. He would be someone who's already established, who's done it all (or most of it, anyway) and wants to shed some light on what exactly goes on where. I'm talking full disclosure here, from everything on relationships and sex to where to go to sex parties, and everything in between. This mysterious figure would have no sexual interest in me, and would act as a foundation for me, someone to help me build myself on.
It goes beyond simply wanting someone to tell me flippant things about being gay. It seems like breaking into some parts of the gay world would be greatly facilitated by having someone who could explain it to me. I've been told that gay bars in Toronto are very preditorial, and honestly I wouldn't know what to do or how to deal with things if I simply went one night and saw what happened. I want someone who can coach me through these things, tell me what mysterious signs to watch for and not make me feel like a terrified 15-year-old girl.
I can't even imagine having someone like that in my life, someone who actually knows what they're doing and would be kind enough to teach me everything there is to know about the gay world. Someone who can take me by the hand, walk me through the Village and push me through the right doors.
My problem isn't that I'm leading two seperate lives, one straight and one gay. I'm simply so isolated that I can't develop anymore without opening the right doors. At the same time, I don't want to flail blindly, tossing my arms out and latching on to whatever is convenient. I don't want to be a 'low quality gay', I want to know what the hell I'm doing and how to actually get where I want to go.
The Young Priest would be someone around my age, and around my naivetay and experience level, or just slightly more. I need someone who I can actually bounce ideas off of, someone who I can do things with and go places with, and try to meet people through.
A lot of the reason I don't have gay friends lies in the vicious cycle that is the closet...I don't want to go to some gay bar and try to meet people because I don't know what the hell I'm doing, yet the logical way to meet homosexuals would be to surround yourself by them. And even so, I'm not very good at just making conversation with a stranger. How exactly do you develop a group of young gay friends?
Thats why I want to meet a Young Priest who's not all that established himself. I want someone who I can bond with based on our current position in life, and someone who wants, like me, to start developing friendships and social networks. I think even if I did meet a wonderfully connected guy, I would be too intimidated to get too friendly because he would represent everything I am not, and I would fear rejection.
Will I meet either of these figures? Probably not. Probably they don't exist, and if they do, I probably wouldn't meet them. But I realize that I need to start doing something more to push myself towards actually getting 'out there'. I don't want to be the flaming life of the party, but I do want to take advantage of some friends and some fun.
Tuesday, July 3, 2007
You mean...
I am being taunted by an unknown, malevolent force.
These past few days, a handful of gorgeous young guys have messaged me online. They are sexy, single, and looking for 'whatever happens.' I am instantly flattered and interested.
The one I've actually gotten around to talking to was witty, flirty, and very much my type. The conversation kicked off with us making witty remarks about the street we live on. I was instantly thinking, "Yes, this is good! Someone close by, funny, talking conversationally but flirtily..."
As we talked, he wanted to see some more pictures of me. I obliged, so did he, and (naturally) he complimented me on my cuteness. (But really, what are the chances he'll say, "Oh, you're all right I 'spose.") We chatted a bit more, and he trailed off a little. I needed to go, and he hadn't really said what he was looking for, so I asked him, hopefully.
"So, what exactly are you looking for anyway?"
"Oh, probably just sex."
I was deflated. His profile was one of those, "Want to meet new people and see what happens" types, which I read to mean possibly, but not exclusively, interested in dating. After all, if it's usually just sex someones after, they're fine with being blunt about it. So I let myself get that faint flicker of excitement at the fact that maybe someone who I did indeed find attractive and intelligent would turn out to be someone I might actually get on with, not just get off with.
But of course, since I am only human, I didn't let this show, and agreed that indeed sex would probably be pretty good. So when I get the chance I'll be getting in touch with him and "seeing where things go..."
It was just some sort of prick-tease, though more like a date-tease, as it seems the others are. Where these guys are when I'm in Toronto I'll never understand...because I'm not going to expressly turn down sexual favors in my search for someone to actually date or God forbid start seeing. It's actually laughable in a way that I'm more disappointed these guys don't want a date compared to the old-fashioned disappointment these guys don't want to sleep with me.
Either way, I am looking forward to September and the fun I may get to have then. My luck though, by then all these young hot guys will have moved away and I'll be left to my own devices...
These past few days, a handful of gorgeous young guys have messaged me online. They are sexy, single, and looking for 'whatever happens.' I am instantly flattered and interested.
The one I've actually gotten around to talking to was witty, flirty, and very much my type. The conversation kicked off with us making witty remarks about the street we live on. I was instantly thinking, "Yes, this is good! Someone close by, funny, talking conversationally but flirtily..."
As we talked, he wanted to see some more pictures of me. I obliged, so did he, and (naturally) he complimented me on my cuteness. (But really, what are the chances he'll say, "Oh, you're all right I 'spose.") We chatted a bit more, and he trailed off a little. I needed to go, and he hadn't really said what he was looking for, so I asked him, hopefully.
"So, what exactly are you looking for anyway?"
"Oh, probably just sex."
I was deflated. His profile was one of those, "Want to meet new people and see what happens" types, which I read to mean possibly, but not exclusively, interested in dating. After all, if it's usually just sex someones after, they're fine with being blunt about it. So I let myself get that faint flicker of excitement at the fact that maybe someone who I did indeed find attractive and intelligent would turn out to be someone I might actually get on with, not just get off with.
But of course, since I am only human, I didn't let this show, and agreed that indeed sex would probably be pretty good. So when I get the chance I'll be getting in touch with him and "seeing where things go..."
It was just some sort of prick-tease, though more like a date-tease, as it seems the others are. Where these guys are when I'm in Toronto I'll never understand...because I'm not going to expressly turn down sexual favors in my search for someone to actually date or God forbid start seeing. It's actually laughable in a way that I'm more disappointed these guys don't want a date compared to the old-fashioned disappointment these guys don't want to sleep with me.
Either way, I am looking forward to September and the fun I may get to have then. My luck though, by then all these young hot guys will have moved away and I'll be left to my own devices...
Monday, July 2, 2007
Don't make trouble (the unintentional update)...
I like irony, but not when ironic things happen to me.
It ended up that yesterday I spent majority of the afternoon and evening with Nick. It was just standard hang-out time, very laid back, and it went by really quickly. Kinda nice, considering I don't have many straight male friends that I would spend this kind of time with.
He dropped a bit of a revelatory bomb on me, with the news that he's been dating a girl from high school for the past two weeks, and that things had been going, "Really well." I was more than a little surprised, considering some of the angsty things he'd said about women, relationships and being single. But it's great news, and whats more I actually like the girlfriend a lot.
We wound up driving through town looking for food at about 8 p.m., settling on really crappy Chinese take-out, which was one of the few things actually open. We ordered, and walked next door to a convenience store to grab a drink. Nick opted for some iced tea, I grabbed that wonderful soda known as Cherry Vanilla Diet Dr.Pepper. He looked at me once we were outside.
"You shouldn't drink that stuff," he said. "It's bad for you."
"Oh, it's not that bad, besides, I don't drink a liter every day."
"Yeah, but it's got aspartame, and it'll give you cancer," he said, worried. He looked at me and added, "Dear."
I reassured him that it was alright once in a while. Then we looked at each other and burst out laughing.
"Woah. Its like we're a couple," he laughed. In truth, it wasn't really all that out of place. When the conversation started, it was out of genuine concern, not the set-up for a joke. But when we realized how startlingly natural it was, it only made sense to point it out.
Turns out the girl he's now dating jokingly refers to us as a couple because of the stories he's told her. But the title does fit, I guess, even though it's never been that way before. So now we'll have a nice running joke, and I can tell her to back off from my boyfriend next time I see her.
As I was driving home, it felt a little spooky realizing only the day before how coupley we could be, and Nick bringing up the same thing the next day.
It ended up that yesterday I spent majority of the afternoon and evening with Nick. It was just standard hang-out time, very laid back, and it went by really quickly. Kinda nice, considering I don't have many straight male friends that I would spend this kind of time with.
He dropped a bit of a revelatory bomb on me, with the news that he's been dating a girl from high school for the past two weeks, and that things had been going, "Really well." I was more than a little surprised, considering some of the angsty things he'd said about women, relationships and being single. But it's great news, and whats more I actually like the girlfriend a lot.
We wound up driving through town looking for food at about 8 p.m., settling on really crappy Chinese take-out, which was one of the few things actually open. We ordered, and walked next door to a convenience store to grab a drink. Nick opted for some iced tea, I grabbed that wonderful soda known as Cherry Vanilla Diet Dr.Pepper. He looked at me once we were outside.
"You shouldn't drink that stuff," he said. "It's bad for you."
"Oh, it's not that bad, besides, I don't drink a liter every day."
"Yeah, but it's got aspartame, and it'll give you cancer," he said, worried. He looked at me and added, "Dear."
I reassured him that it was alright once in a while. Then we looked at each other and burst out laughing.
"Woah. Its like we're a couple," he laughed. In truth, it wasn't really all that out of place. When the conversation started, it was out of genuine concern, not the set-up for a joke. But when we realized how startlingly natural it was, it only made sense to point it out.
Turns out the girl he's now dating jokingly refers to us as a couple because of the stories he's told her. But the title does fit, I guess, even though it's never been that way before. So now we'll have a nice running joke, and I can tell her to back off from my boyfriend next time I see her.
As I was driving home, it felt a little spooky realizing only the day before how coupley we could be, and Nick bringing up the same thing the next day.
Sunday, July 1, 2007
Don't make trouble...
I think I'm in the first phases of falling for a friend.
Of course, I've had attractions to friends before. I remember, very clearly, the first boy I ever really was in awestruck fascination with. That's a story for later, but it was someone who I had classes with, not really someone I considered to be a good friend.
Well, this time it's a little different. I blame Laura for planting the seed in my mind, but I guess it just means it was there all along. We were talking one night about who we thought might be gay from high school, and she immediately squealed, "Nick!"
I dismissed it entirely. After all, I've seen a number of times how homophobic he can be, and it's not the denial-homophobia, it's the seemingly real deal.
"You two would make a good couple," she cooed. "Are you sure he's not gay? He seems like he's the most likely candidate."
Thanks to this conversation, I found myself studying him in a different light than before. True, I thought he was cute, but never thought of him that way before. And besides, he's straight, so why would I spare more than a glance at him with those thoughts. But it persisted.
Not to mention the fact that he's been getting a little closer to me. He'll call me up sometimes and we'll spend an hour talking about whatever, or wind up going somewhere together and chatting for hours on end. During these conversations, he's opened up more to me than ever before, giving me glimpses of whats going on under the surface. It's the typical stuff, I admit, but it's rewarding to know your friendship is growing.
Tonight his band was playing some gig not too far from home, and he really wanted me to go. He even texted me a few times this afternoon to make double sure I was coming. I arrived, and he walked over and stuck out his hand, in full business-performer mode. I obliged, but put my other arm around him for a formal hug. It was a big night for him, playing for the home crowd, and I wanted to give him a boost. How giving him a hug would do that is beyond me (read: subconsciously I wanted to hug him and found a reason to), but it seemed like the right thing to do.
The set started, and I stared at him while the band got into rhythm. You know the intensity musicians get when they're doing their thing...the eyes sharpen and the facial features become more defined...and it usually does wonders for their sex appeal. Being that I already think he's cute, this was an even more pleasurable experience.
I got to thinking that indeed, we'd be good together, and how nice it would be to head home after his triumphant night and have wild sex together. Then I thought of how things would really work because he's already comfortable around me, and I around him. Then I realized that I shouldn't be thinking this kind of crap because it's beyond unproductive. At least when I daydream about fictitious individuals, or people who I'm not already friends with, it can be written off a lot easier. Not so easy when you start to put feelings onto someone you already know.
Honestly, I know it's not going anywhere. I don't lay awake at night thinking of him, or get tingles when I see his name on my caller ID. I guess it's part of my subconscious placing desire on him, in some insane attempt to have me resolve the tension of being single and lonely. But dammit, it's not going to happen, so why don't I just go back to daydreaming about fictitious guys?
While I can safely say I'm not really infatuated with him, I do have to admit that there's a pull of attraction when I see him sometimes. It's something that I'm just going to have to ignore, and realizing that it's somewhat of a mind game being played on myself makes it easier to dismiss.
Of course, I've had attractions to friends before. I remember, very clearly, the first boy I ever really was in awestruck fascination with. That's a story for later, but it was someone who I had classes with, not really someone I considered to be a good friend.
Well, this time it's a little different. I blame Laura for planting the seed in my mind, but I guess it just means it was there all along. We were talking one night about who we thought might be gay from high school, and she immediately squealed, "Nick!"
I dismissed it entirely. After all, I've seen a number of times how homophobic he can be, and it's not the denial-homophobia, it's the seemingly real deal.
"You two would make a good couple," she cooed. "Are you sure he's not gay? He seems like he's the most likely candidate."
Thanks to this conversation, I found myself studying him in a different light than before. True, I thought he was cute, but never thought of him that way before. And besides, he's straight, so why would I spare more than a glance at him with those thoughts. But it persisted.
Not to mention the fact that he's been getting a little closer to me. He'll call me up sometimes and we'll spend an hour talking about whatever, or wind up going somewhere together and chatting for hours on end. During these conversations, he's opened up more to me than ever before, giving me glimpses of whats going on under the surface. It's the typical stuff, I admit, but it's rewarding to know your friendship is growing.
Tonight his band was playing some gig not too far from home, and he really wanted me to go. He even texted me a few times this afternoon to make double sure I was coming. I arrived, and he walked over and stuck out his hand, in full business-performer mode. I obliged, but put my other arm around him for a formal hug. It was a big night for him, playing for the home crowd, and I wanted to give him a boost. How giving him a hug would do that is beyond me (read: subconsciously I wanted to hug him and found a reason to), but it seemed like the right thing to do.
The set started, and I stared at him while the band got into rhythm. You know the intensity musicians get when they're doing their thing...the eyes sharpen and the facial features become more defined...and it usually does wonders for their sex appeal. Being that I already think he's cute, this was an even more pleasurable experience.
I got to thinking that indeed, we'd be good together, and how nice it would be to head home after his triumphant night and have wild sex together. Then I thought of how things would really work because he's already comfortable around me, and I around him. Then I realized that I shouldn't be thinking this kind of crap because it's beyond unproductive. At least when I daydream about fictitious individuals, or people who I'm not already friends with, it can be written off a lot easier. Not so easy when you start to put feelings onto someone you already know.
Honestly, I know it's not going anywhere. I don't lay awake at night thinking of him, or get tingles when I see his name on my caller ID. I guess it's part of my subconscious placing desire on him, in some insane attempt to have me resolve the tension of being single and lonely. But dammit, it's not going to happen, so why don't I just go back to daydreaming about fictitious guys?
While I can safely say I'm not really infatuated with him, I do have to admit that there's a pull of attraction when I see him sometimes. It's something that I'm just going to have to ignore, and realizing that it's somewhat of a mind game being played on myself makes it easier to dismiss.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)