So I'll try and make you laugh...

After having a temporary freak-out at the fact I actually took the plunge and exposed my life for the entire world to read about, I was reminded the reason I'm here. My life has been such a roller-coaster for the past two weeks, I have moments where I'm positive, taking steps forward (like this blog). Other moments I feel totally small, like I'm a 13-year-old who just got to High School, and I get scared/nervous/etc. I see all the negative instead of the positivie.

So tonight, after some though, I signed up for gay.com. I got online, checked out a bunch of profiles and acutally found a few guys who I was attracted to, both physically and intellectually. Not that I talked to any of them, because I was just looking at profiles, but our interests, 'out' levels, and personalities seemed to be compatible.

In all the excitement, I wanted to contact one of the guys I saw, because he's bi too and not out to anybody. Great, I thought, someone who I can maybe meet, and actually feel comfortable talking to, and maybe we'll even hit it off! I look hi and low for a Private Message icon, and can't find one. Hmm...how are you supposed to hook up if you can't even message the guy? I keep looking, and find the 'reply to profile' button, ah-ha! this must be it! Clicking on it, I get redirected to the account upgrade page, asking me to pay $10 minimum on my credit card so that I can PM, chat and reply to profiles.

I was totally discouraged, sad and generally run down after the whole thing. I worked up the courage in myself to actually attempt contact with someone who's gay/bi, and what happens? I can't do it because the company wants money! Dammit! To top it off, the guy I wanted to hit up was literally the same as my profile (except he's apparently athletic, not that I'm fat or out of shape but I don't have a hot bod like Brent Everett. This all plays into my horrible self-confidence and self-image, which I'll discuss later.)

What made me happy was that I actually made a move. I didn't get anywhere, but I made an effort to find someone that I could talk to, and maybe have some fun with too. I wasn't as freaked out as I am when looking at CraigsList, since I saw a picture, and kinda got to know the guy that turned me on.

So I'm asking you, readers (if there are any, since I don't quite know how to generate readers) how you've gone about meeting guys while you were closeted. I know many have done the CL thing...and scoff now that it was whoreish of them, but what other options are there for a guy like me to meet guys?

Also, if anyone has any ideas how I can get in touch with guys from gay.com without buying a membership, PLEASE let me know!

Here goes...

So I've taken what I guess is the first step out. A long while ago I realized I for sure wasn't straight, and since I've spent several of my formative years rolling around in my mind trying to figure life out. I had hit a happy medium of denial/allow fate to take its course, but over the past two weeks I've been driven almost crazy about the status of my life. Here I am, for help, support, and to tell my story of struggling to become who I want to be.

Please bear with me, because unlike many of the other interesting gay college boy blogs, who get to share their sexual adventures with us, I haven't even so much as kissed a boy...yet.