Wednesday, January 31, 2007

It's over...

So I'm exhausted, from sex and being up early and going to bed late and from the emotional baggage of telling Lisa I'm bi.

(Longest run-on sentence in history.)

I'm not going into details right now, because I want to post a fully-fleshed-out recount of what happened. But, I will say that things went fine in my coming out to her, she took it completely fine and made sure I was aware that she really, truely, 100% didn't care.

That was last night. I then managed, for some reason I don't understand (since I wasn't planning on it) to sleep with a guy tonight. It was good, but I've got bite marks on my neck, and my upper right lip and right earlobe are swolen and hurting like a bitch right now. Damn, that boy liked to be rough!

Monday, January 29, 2007

Give it a try...

I've decided to come out to my best friend at school, Lisa. I was going to do it Thursday night, I was psyched and ready to go, but our plans got cancelled, and I wasn't just going to send her an e-mail, "Oh, by the way, I'm bisexual, just so you know."

I don't really even know what I'm going to say to her, since this will be my first time coming out to anyone. So far in my mind, I've decided to tell her that I'm bi, that I've been with guys before so I know I'm sure, that I'm not turning into a different person now that I've told her, that I'm alright myself with my choice and sexuality, and that I don't know where to go from here.

Honestly I don't even know why I have this insane urge to tell her. I mean, I've been waiting years to tell anyone I suppose, but really, what will it change about my life? It's not the coming out to my close friends that scares me, it's coming out to the 'world at large', and having it get back to my family. I don't really worry that people in Toronto will look down on me because of my sexuality, but I still am scared that things will go somehow badly if I start telling people.

Also, as a bi guy, there's really so much and so little to tell at the same time. It's not like I'm fully gay, where I have to swear off women to my friends so they know I'm attracted to men. But it's not like I'm fully straight, and as a result have to show the rest of the world I'm open to guys as well.

It's also bringing up a lot of questions about what kind of bisexual I'm going to be. So far, I've met guys that embrace it almost as much as homosexual men embrace their sexuality: they participate in gay pride, they gay club, they date guys openly, and they also have women somewhere in there too. I've met the type that sleeps with guys, but doesn't really broadcast it, just allows it to happen if he meets another gay/bi guy, or if he hooks up online. That type doesn't really one way or the other broadcast to the world what their sexual preferences are. Then there's the closet bi guys, like I am right now. Nobody knows they're bi except the men they sleep with, and they're fine with it that way, because they're "just bi. What's there to say."

Since I'm a non-scene kind of guy, I don't think I'll be joining the rainbow group at school, participating in Pride parades or going to many gay clubs. Part of the reson I don't already is because I have no gay friends, so it's a little hard to break into that world without any 'in's. But at the same time, I don't want to live in the closet for the rest of my life, because I'm never going to actually meet anyone that will date me by surfing online sites. I mean, it's a possibility, but I really don't see it working out. Besides, it's hard to date someone when everyone around you thinks your straight. It kinda brings up some questions...

Anyway, I know (hope) Lisa will take it well. Her best friend from her hometown is gay, and he came out last summer, so it's not going to be a huge thing for her. Besides, I think she already knows/suspects, since she's asked me a few times if I'm sure I'm not gay. They were joking comments, but still, some of the things I've said over the years must sound pretty...gay.

I just hope this doesn't signifigantly change our relationship, or her perception of me. I don't really think it will, but at the same time anything is possible. I'll just stress to her the fact that I'm the same person I've always been since she's known me, but just felt the need to get this off my chest.

Mildly offensive...

I've only been doing the online thing since basically December. I cut my teeth on CL and have moved on to a few different sites. Honestly I keep finding myself back on CraigsList, I think because it's a little more chronological. It's not just a bunch of profiles or names to choose from, it's people posting for sex/other at a specific time. Plus, you can make endless posts tailored to your sexual needs that day, instead of just having one profile.

A few days ago, I got the strangest e-mail I've received yet. It read:

"How in the hell do you think if people has AIDS by jumping bed to bed. very good way of getting it STOP NOW before you endup dead from it. I'm clean & clear & I keep my thing in my pants. i've got better things to do then looking for guys on craigslist just to spead AIDS or look for a one nite stand THINK BUDDY "

I had to read it about three times before I could understand what this guy was trying to say. My post was fairly mild compared to some, I made specific reference to looking for disease free guys, insisting on safe sex only...not exactly what I would call a loose cannon trying to get/infect someone with AIDS.

Then I started thinking about it...I did some research on gay-friendly health sites before I even started sleeping with guys, and felt fairly confident that I'd been safe. I've always used a condom, always asked about the guy's health (I know you can easily lie, but it helps to ask straight out), I haven't exposed myself to anyone with cuts or sores in my mouth, etc.

Of course, AIDS is the elephant in the room. I mean, we're bombarded with statistics and facts, told that it's easily spread by unsafe sex, and can even be transmitted by unprotected oral or swallowing. It's pretty damn terrifying!

But looking at the other side, if you're consiously playing safe, the likelihood of being exposed to it is lowered. Also, from reading the number of gay blogs out there, guys are having sex with multiple partners all the time, and do so safely.

Now, I'm not undermining anyone who's contracted AIDS. There are of course cases where guys either barebacked or had a condom break and were exposed, but it seems as more and more people are serious about safe sex, the chances of being exposed are much lower than say in the 80's or even 90's.

Still, it's a scary topic, and I don't know how people look at it objectively. On the one hand, nobody should be having sex unless they and their partner are tested first. On the other, the sexual promsicuity of a young man is so intense that it will at times override common sense and the ability to think clearly. As long as you know you're playing safe, the threat is minimalized by your horniness.

I don't know, but I'd love to speak to a health professional about it.

Saturday, January 27, 2007

Do I pique your interest...

I'm going to admit it, I'm a little discouraged with the whole blogging thing.

Though I have no intention of quitting, or signifigantly re-tooling the content of my posts, I'm a little disappointed with the nearly complete absence of comments and e-mails from readers. When I started this, I didn't know what to expect, who would be reading, how many people would comment, etc. As time wore on and I read more and more blogs, I realized that many people do comment on the 'more popular' ones. Even though those comments are mostly half-witted and generally useless, it's still nice to know there's someone who gives enough of a damn to say something about what you've written.

Couple that with the fact the last 4 posts have been on sensitive, emotional and sexual topics (the best kinds!), and it leaves me feeling a little inadequit.

As I said, I'm not giving up because I don't have huge ratings. I'm just venting a little, is all.

Friday, January 26, 2007

Seperation of sex and emotion (part 3)...

I was more than a little surprised that Jamie was jealous of my having sex with another guy. After all, he had admitted to me that he had slept with multiple, multiple guys over the last few years, and I never had a problem with it. At first I was a little surprised, but as I got more mature about sex, I realized it doesn't matter that you've got an active sex life.

I knew I could never just go to sleep with this e-mail hanging over me, so I responded.

"The thing I want most between us is friendship. You're kinda all I've got in that 'one world' part of me is living in, and I was feeling so good to have someone like you to talk to."

Then, I broached the jealousy subject.

"I'm only going to ask this once, and don't take it the wrong way, but do you have feelings for me? Usually when you're feeling jealous about someone being with someone else, its because you yourself want to be with them...Get back to me asap and let me know if I'm an insulting bastard or if we're good. And lets do something non-sexual this week. You're a special person to me, and I want to keep you close to me (god I'm so corny lol)."

I waited for a response.

The general gist of the response was that even though he sleeps with guys NSA, if he's with the same guy more than once he starts to develop emotions/attachment to him. Not the most flattering response to me, but I understand where he's coming from, since part of our discussion was about him wanting to actually get into a relationship with someone. Then there was some parts about how we couldn't work because he was my first boy, and how I have a long way to go before I'd be ready for a relationship with a guy, and those types of reasons why we couldn't work out.

At that point, I was relieved. Crisis averted. I still had my friend, and we decided that us having sex was probably not a good idea. After all, I didn't have 'feelings' for him...I loved him to death, but then I knew I could never go out with him, since it would just be me psychologically using him as a crutch in my new bisexual life. I felt a little sad I'd lost a sex partner, but also was certain I would get him in bed again soon.

I felt alright about the fact that I had kept our emotional friendship and our sexual friendship seperate in my mind. I didn't identify him as my boyfriend, but my gay friend and also my lover. Things were going to be fine, we'd continue as friends, become even closer, and who knows, maybe we'd be friends for the rest of our lives...

Days later, I got to thinking. He had mentioned before that he doesn't keep the same friends for a long time, that he was a bit of a lone wolf in the sense he moved around a lot...I started getting nervous. I mean, I already had told him I loved him (as a friend) and a large part of me was relying on him being around for years to come. I saw us becoming friends who complained to each other about our love lifes, our lack of sex, our most intimate thoughts...after all, I'd shared such a huge part of me with him and expected that he would do the same.

Then there was the Thursday night incident...him having a 'meeting' and not being able to go out with me. I felt a range of emotions, jealousy, disappointment, fear...was I coming on too strong? Did I scare him off? Does he not like me as much as I like him?...even now my head is spinning with questions. I can't wait to see him again, to give him a hug, ask him how his day was, have dinner with him...but is that Jamie the friend, or Jamie the potential boyfriend that I can't wait to see?

Couple that with the fact I'm so worried about what he thinks of me, how much he likes me, if he thinks I'm coming on too strongly...I really don't know with him. At one point he seems like he's got a list of 500 friends he's alwasy out with. At others he seems like he's alone at times, and would welcome me as a close friend. Maybe I'm just thinking he wants to be close to me because I want to be close to him...ugh I'm stuck in a logic loop.

The next time we see each other, I'm going to have to point-blank as him what he thinks of me.

Seperation of sex and emotion (part 2)...

Jamie and I couldn't get together on Thursday night, but made plans for Friday afternoon.

At 4:30pm I arrived at his door, ready to fall into bed and snuggle. It was bitterly cold outside, and I wanted him to hold me and warm me back up.

Once we were inside, we had a quick hug and kiss, and sat on his bed.

"I'm sorry to say this, but I've got an appointment at 5 I can't miss," he admitted. I was a little disappointed, but I was intent on enjoying our half hour together.

We laid on his bed, holding each other, fully clothed. He told me about his day, I told him about mine, we kissed intermitantly throughout the half hour, grazing each other's crotches and smirking at our hardons. But we never got naked, never jerked each other, never did anything overtly sexual. Just cuddled and talked.

I ended up walking him to his appointment, and we left each other with a quick hug and a promise to see each other soon. I trapsed back home, showered, changed into my chic new jacket and headed out for an evening with friends.

Friday passed, Saturday came (the bottoming experience day), and I found myself at Lisa's place Saturday night. She and her boyfriend and his friend were hanging out, and I joind them for some low-key socializing. But when I got there, I quickly e-mailed Jamie to see if he was free Sunday night.

Literally 5 minutes after I had sent the e-mail, Jamie called me asking if I was busy that night. I almost melted on the spot, but stammered that I was already at a friends, headed out to a movie, and that unless things changed I wouldn't be free. I stupidly forgot to invite him along, that way we could have gone home with each other, but he was alright with it. We agreed on Sunday night dinner plans, and disconnected.

After arriving at his place Sunday night, we headed out for Japanese at an amazing place he knows. The food was wonderful, even though we had to sit at the bar area. We chatted again about everything, being queer, our screwed up families, school...that must be the one thing I love most about him, the fact I can be completely honest and talk about anything with him.

Dinner finished, and we walked back to his place. Once inside, I told him about my experience on Saturday afternoon. I hope he didn't think I was bragging about the hot boy I'd slept with, but he didn't say anything about it. Looking back, he was remarkably quiet about it. I was expecting a lot more excitment and congrats from him. After that conversation, I sat on his bed, he laid his head in my lap, and I ran my fingers through his hair. We talked some more, and broached an interesting subject.

Somewhere in our conversation, he said something along the lines of "is it time for us to have an 'us' talk?".

At the moment he said it, I shrugged it off. It wasn't really a demand to discuss it, or an exclamation of emotion, merely a statement. A few minutes later, I said the words myself. "Do you think it's time for us to have an 'us' talk?" I heard myself say. Suddenly, things changed. The fact I had a boy laying in my lap became a lot more real to me. The situation was a lot more heavy than when I had entered the room.

We never got into the conversation. A little while after it, clothes started coming off, and we were distracted with other things.

When I got home that night, an e-mail was waiting for me.

"I don't think we should have sex together anymore," Jamie wrote. "I want to be your friend and cuddle with you, but I don't think that we should have sex again for a while. It feels like its something that gets between us being friends."

I was shocked. My jaw hung open, as I continued reading.

"When you were telling me about sleeping with that guy, I felt a little jealous. I don't want to feel that way about you, but it's because we slept together."

Suddenly my new friend/sex partner was becoming a lot more like a lover.

Thursday, January 25, 2007

A (usual) Thursday night...

Ugh. I've had a hell of a few days. School seems to be kicking into full gear, much to my dismay. I usually like school, actually learning and keeping busy through the week, but this semester since my big change on outlook, I realized I really wanted the first month to be light-hearted, fun and social. So far, it has been, probably more than I give credit for. But at the same time, its now that I've got stuff to do, it really puts a cramp into the style.

Not to mention the fact that I've been cancelled on twice already tonight. Well, it was the same event, but both people cancelled on me. The very exciting plan was to go to a movie tonight, and have a few drinks afterwards. I was planning on going with Jamie, because he's had a crappy week and needed perking up, and Lisa, my best friend at school. It was going to be the first time that my two worlds intersect, though I wasn't planning on telling Lisa that the guy sitting next to me also sleeps with me from time to time. It would, in retrospect, have been a night of lies and deceipt, but still it would have been nice to get out together.

First, Jamie e-mails me this afternoon, telling me he forgot that he has a meeting that will last most of the night, and to go on without him. I'll admit, for some reason, I'm really sad he couldn't make it. I haven't seen him since Sunday and miss him a lot (as corny as that sounds). What exactly does that mean, you ask? I don't really know, but after him telling me 'he has a meeting' all night, I got suspicious, jealous, worried that he doesn't want to see me anymore, etc. etc...I'm kinda scared now since that basically means I have feelings for him. But I'm trying to seperate the source of the feelings, ie. am I jealous because my friend may have blown me off for a better time tonight, or am I jealous because my boyfriend is blowing me off for a better time tonight?

Then, Lisa e-mails me, saying that she's got dancing lessions all evening until at least 9:30, but could be free afterwards...if it's any fun though I'd bet she hangs out with whoever she's dancing with. I don't even remember her mentioning dance lessons, but I'm sure that's where she is. It's just a little odd when we talked about going out Thursday night earlier in the week, she neglected to tell me she was already going out...

Couple the double-letdown with the fact I've had a bit of a crappy week, and I've got a gloomy Thursday night ahead of me.

Seperation of sex and emotion (part 1)...

Up until now, I haven't been sleeping with people I didn't know already, or didn't have some connection/emotional attachment to.

That ultimately would inhibit my sex life now, since I don't know any gay/bi guys to actually get connected to before jumping in bed with them. Of the experiences I've had, the only guy that I've gotten to know was Jamie.

Jamie and I, as you remember, got in touch over CraigsList, for the purpose of having sex. He posted, I responded, we got on MSN...and started talking. We talked about everything and anything. It was amazing, I had found someone that not only wanted sex but also I had some bizarre connection with. When we finally met, we had a good 2 hour conversation before heading back to his place. I even spent the night snuggled next to him on his single bed.

Looking back, it was an incredible experience, and I thank God that I met him. It was as if we were destined to meet, since the guys I had talked to before him never actually met up with me. We had forged what I think is an amazing connection over MSN, then in person, then finally in bed.

We chatted after that first night, and he said that he didn't want to sleep with me again. It wasn't the sex, he said, but the fact that we were friends now somehow meant that we shouldn't jump in bed. I'm all for friends who share sexual encounters, but he seemed pretty decided that it wasn't what he wanted to do. I respected that, and we went on as friends.

Then, funnily enough, last Thursday, I was having a really bad night (maybe it's a pattern with me!?). I was on MSN, my mind was racing with it's usual insanity. I couldn't slow it down, I was full of so many questions about my sexuality, my life, where I'm going and what I'm doing...I felt like I was spinning out of control. Thankfully he was online, started chatting to me, and we ended up talking for 2 hours. By the end of it, we broached the subject of us having sex again. I told him simply that there wouldn't be a time I wasn't interested in sleeping with him, unless I was in a relationship. He started getting a little turned on, and agreed that he might be interested at some point, but it would be just a natural thing. At the end of the night I knew we were going to sleep together again.

The next day, he called me while I was in class. I didn't answer, and he called me again. I text messeged him to say I was in class, so he wasn't pissed that I didn't answer his calls. A text came back to me. I texted back, asking whats up. He replied nothing, just that he had a bad morning and wanted to see me. I was flattered, but also worried. What was wrong, was he ok, is there a problem...I started to really worry. I texted back to see what was wrong.

"Oh nothing really wrong, just had a bad morning with some stupid people, and I really wanted to have sex with you. Is that enough of a booty call for you?"

I smiled for the rest of my class.

Sunday, January 21, 2007

Invasion of the gays...

My apartment is full of gay guys.

I'm not joking here. Its totally true. I just came home from a mundane grocery/pharmacy shopping trip to find 3 guys sitting on my couch, and my roommate sitting in a chair, playing cards.

It all started last night. I was out with friends, came home, and felt awake enough to listen to some music. I pulled on my headphones and gave 'The Dark Side Of The Moon' it's millionth spin, with just a candle flickering in my room. When it was over, I pulled off my headphones, blew out the candle, and heard voice.

My roommate was home. (She seems to have this annoying problem of showing up at our place. How weird is that?)

I realize I haven't provided any background for the story. My roommate and I were good friends our first year of University, and decided to live together for second year. We found a place, painted, each bought/supplied furniature...things were going fine. But then she changed...went sort of insane. Kind of like what an emo 15-year-old would do, only she's 20. Our friendship, as well as our group of friends, crumbled into pieces, and my dream of a happy, socially-fueled apartment was shattered.

Since then we've come to some sort of unspoken agreement about not speaking. Rarely do we acknowledge the other's presence, we never spend any time together and our routines usually keep us apart except during the late hours of the night, when I'm sleeping and she's up talking on the phone until 5 a.m. It's a sad situation, but I ended up detaching because I was so hurt by her.

Anyway, she had recently re-connected with an ex-boyfriend of hers who was moving to Toronto. From reading her blog and talking to mutual friends, it became clear that she was going to attempt to rekindle their lost romance...touching *rolls eyes*. Then, just last week, she posted something in her blog about her 'gay ex-boyfriend'...which was followed by a response by the guy in question. So I had a good laugh over the fact she wasn't going to get very far with a gay guy.

Back to last night. I heard voices, listened, and sure enough it was my roommate, the ex-bf, and his new boyfriend. I laughed to myself, thought really nothing of it (other than how the hell does a newly out guy pick up a boyfriend that fast!), and rolled over to sleep.

They left before I went out this morning, so I never met them. But when I got back home this afternoon, they were here, along with a third guy! Three guys in my apartment, all gay...and I can do nothing about it.

Thats the big issue I have with being closeted right now, the fact that nobody can know I'm bisexual means that I can't actually meet gay/bi guys socially...I'm reserved exclusively to online, unless somebody comes out to me. It's so frustrating for me to help build my new 'self' without being able to discuss it with gay/bi guys. If I did meet someone who was gay, and we got to chatting about what its like, where to meet guys, etc...well, it looks suspicious for a 'straight guy' to be that interested.

It seems like every step I take, I satisfy something in myself, but open a new door within myself that leaves me wanting more...

On a freezing cold Saturday afternoon...

Why can I never hook up without issues?

This afternoon I was supposed to meet Danny at a major intersection near my place. I always want to meet people in busy places, since really you don't know who someone is from 'just online'. So I bundled up and headed out to meet him in the freezing afternoon hustle-bustle.

I arrived on time, took up a post against a building, and started scanning the crowd. Nobody I saw fit his description or pictures. I waited, not really minding being out in the fresh air. After 15 minutes, I started wondering where he was. I walked the length of the building, poked inside doors, stood near the subway entrance...nothing. I started to get worried, figuring he probably wasn't showing up.

Then, minutes later, a guy walked by that looked like him. He was wearing a black coat, brown shoes, and sunglasses. I stared at him, caught his gaze, and he kept walking. I became more and more sure it was him, and I waited as he walked by me, stopped, looked around, circled back, passed me again, and kept walking.

At this point, I was getting a little worried. Maybe this wasn't him...after all he'd just spent the last minute staring back at me, then walked away. I stopped, looked around some more, and lost him in the crowd.

I waited 40 minutes in total for him to come. I never saw the guy with the brown shoes again. Sighing, I trudged back home.

I immediately hit my e-mail to see if he'd written me while I was out. No luck. After firing off a quick "where are you" e-mail to him, I decided to head back out and check the street again. After minutes more of searching, I headed home.

Apparently he called me during that walk home, because when I pulled the phone out of my pocket, there was a number in my call display. Dialing it back, it turned out to be a pay-phone. Yes! He was still here!

I jumped back on e-mail, and literally as I clicked on I got an e-mail from him. He called me back, and was not impressed at the fact I didn't approach him on the street. I tried to convey the same argument about him. Either way, I didn't want to turn it into some big deal, so we immediately agreed to meet at a coffee shop near my place.

We hit the lineup at the same time, grabbed coffee, and started walking back to my place. He was really as cute as his photos were, but he wasn't very conversational. I babbled like an idiot trying to put not only him but myself at ease. It worked somewhat, but he was just a very dry person. Either that, or he really didn't like to talk to me that much.

Finally, we hit my place, clothes started coming off, and I finally saw the impressive 8"-er he talked about all the time. It really was nice. Everything about him was nice, his body was trim but not muscled, his face was cute but not artificial, his cock was huge but not monsterous. Then I started to worry...good old body image issues! I thankfully didn't start obsessing over it in bed, but once we were both naked, with the lights on, I was terrified he would look at me and run.

After a bit of oral stuff, we were ready to move on to the main event, aka my first bottoming experience. One finger, then two, then three, then my dildo (which he freaking stabbed me to death with). After that, I said I needed a break for a second, and ran to the washroom. He came too, to wash his hands. Just when he had went back into my room, and I was about to close the bathroom door, I heard my front door's lock tumble. My roommate was home.

'Shit,' I breathed to myself, naked, hard, and with a naked hard boy in my bed.

"Close the door to my bedroom!" I yelled panicking. "Close it!"

The door swung shut quickly. I was left in the bathroom with nothing but a towel to walk back to my room with. After waiting for a few beats in the hopes my roommate would either leave the kitchen or go back outside, I threw open the bathroom door, jumped into my room, and locked my bedroom door. Nobody saw me! Ha ha, I win!

Danny was sitting on the bed. "So I guess this is then end then," he said in his deadpan voice.

"Oh, no," I smiled. "We're not finished."

After promises from both of us not to make too much noise, we staked up some pillows and I laid on my back. He came up behind me, smiled, and asked if I was for sure ready. I nodded, smiled, and he entered me.

For being so huge, he didn't feel insanely painful. Thankfully the painful part was the dildo a few minutes before, and all I felt was pleasure now. It was amazing, him pumping away while standing, then climbing on the bed to nail me harder. He moved in closer, and our bodies were completely connected, my cock gliding across his stomach, his pressing farther and farther into me.

I have no idea how long we were like that. Finally, I came, blowing the biggest load I've ever produced across my chest. He pulled out, whipped of the condom, and laid down beside me. He jerked himself off, finally cumming on his stomach and my face. We snuggled very briefly after, then started getting dressed.

I was headed out too, so I offered to walk out with him. As we left my room, I realized that not only was my roommate here, but my roommate's mother as well. Since I don't really have anything to do with them, I simply said hi, grabbed my shoes, and we headed out the door.

"Do you think they heard?" Danny asked. "They would have been smiling or something," he went on.

I was certain they hadn't, not only because they're two of the most self-absorbed people I know, but because we were sneaky and quiet and awesome.

Once we were alone, it was time for more awkward conversation. We had both talked on msn for days before hooking up, and both of us are looking for a fuck-buddy, someone to actually maybe hang out with, but also to have fun with between the sheets. I wanted to let him know I was interested in pursuing that, after the amazing sex I'd just had.

"So, will there be a repeat performance?"

"Yeah, sure, it was good. Um, maybe in 2 weeks?"

"Oh. Ok, yeah when you're free."

"Well, I'm busy, I mean I go out sometimes, I work, have class. You know."

"Sure."

*walk down road*

"So, um, I don't mean this in a dating sense, but if you wanted to grab some food sometime, or see a movie, not as a date, but you know, to hang out, I'd like that."

"Oh, um, yeah. You're a good guy."

We parted ways at the end of my street. I wasn't expecting or wanting a kiss or hug, or much of anything other than a smile and a see-you-later, but he looked at me and put his hand on my shoulder. I smiled, I don't remember what he did. Then we walked our separate ways.

Friday, January 19, 2007

I have readers...

Wow. I just got an e-mail from a reader. I'm so blown away! How cool is that...(yes, I'm a novice blogger, I'm easily entertained.) I'm glad that someone's reading other than me. I posted a comment in both Micifus Phil's and Matt's Debreifing The Boys blogs, mostly to comment, but with the vain hope that someone would link over to my blog, and apparently it worked!

I have so much to talk about but no time to type it right now...so I thought I'd give you a little story. Why is my blog called 'Frozen Underwear'? Well, other than an attempt at being clever, I was using a couple of images I thought were fitting. First, frozen, because I'm from Toronto, a place which many believe is a barren tundra. So I wanted to poke fun at the stereotype. Secondly, frozen underwear, representing my inability to deal with my sexuality, as well as my supreme lack of sex.

Ok, so I may have finally done stuff with guys...but believe me, at times it feels like my underwear will be forever frozen again to my body.

I've even got a clever banner worked out to dress the blog up a little...but I suck at Photoshop and haven't tried to put it together yet. Any readers who are Photoshop experts?

Also, if you're reading, drop me a line! I really love getting e-mail, believe me, even if its just to say hi and where you're from.

Tuesday, January 16, 2007

So, you're bi...?

Last night just kept getting better and better for me.

After disasterous letdown coffee date, I came home and cruised CL for a bit. After a few minutes of careful consideration (read: 5 seconds of horniness) I posted.

Time passed, but within the hour I'd recieved about 4 messages. Sanity check: looks good. Pictures: one guy, not really doing it for me. So I started chatting with a guy near me, and an hour later I was headed to his place.

*Knock Knock*

"Oh hey," he says. He's actually cuter than his picture! Yes! Short-ish guy, kinda curly dark hair. "Give me a second," he says, and walks down the hall, sits infront of his PC and continues typing and e-mail. I pulled off my coat, kicked off my shoes...and stood in his living room. After a few beats, I decided to sit down.

"Where'd you go?" he called out, semi-panicked. Well, I got bored and since you're not all over me I thought I'd make myself comfortable, I thought to myself.

He finally came into the living room, and stood next to me, right in front of the couch. "So what are you, gay, bi?" he says, still standing. I pat the couch beside me, and he reluctantly sits down.

"Well, I'm bi," I said. "I hope that isn't a problem."

"No, I am too. So do you like do massages?" Who the hell does he think I am, a fucking hooker? But after a few seconds, I decided it would be fun to give a guy a sexy massage, complete with ass and ball groping. We walked into his bedroom, he stripped at lightening speed to his boxers, and laid on his stomache.

Well. Isn't this the sexy romp in bed I was hoping for. But not once did I give up hope.

I rubbed his back up and down, worked his shoulders, his arms, his legs...his ass. He had a really nice one, perfectly formed with just enough size that it wasn't boney. I did kinda get into the massage, occasionally letting my dick graze his inner thighs. After I'd given him all he was going to get, I curled up beside him, and moved in for a kiss.

I love kissing. Making out, holding each other...it just really gets me fired up. This guy, who responded as into kissing, j/o and oral, basically turned away when I moved in. I caught the lower part of his chin, rebounded, and again caught more chin. Another resignation, this time that I wasn't going to get to make out...fine.

I rolled him over, and started blowing him. He was getting into it, and after ten minutes asks, "So how long does it take you to cum? Because I want to be in bed by 11." I knew then I was screwed. "Oh, don't worry," I said as slyly as possible, "I won't take long." I kept going on him, and he started breathing heavily. I beat him hard, and he came all over his stomache. He sighed, satisfied, and grabbed his dick. I went up for a kiss, and he turned me away. "I don't kiss after someone blows me," he said. "It tastes like cock."

"Don't you like blowing guys?" I asked, alarmed.

"Oh sure, but I don't wanna taste my own."

I was relieved, and moved up towards him. "My turn," I said, leaning into him.

"Actually, I'm going to be a totaly guy here, and not get you off. I'm done."

I froze, kneeling on the bed. "What?"

"Oh, well you should have got me to blow you when I was still hard. But yeah, we're done."

I wimpered something pathetic about only taking a few minutes, but he was already getting dressed. Deflated, I pulled on my pants and followed him to the door. Once I had my coat and shoes on, he stood in front of me, looking very sexy in pajama bottoms and no shirt. He made a half-hearted hugging motion, which I reciprocated.

"We should do that again sometime," he said, opening the door for me.

"Well, you've got my email," I replied, as he shut the door on me. I walked home, a disbelieving smirk on my face. About ever 10 steps, I would say to myself, 'That didn't just happen. He didn't just throw me out,' and shake my head. At least I know what it feels like to feel used.

All I have to say is, I'm bi, and I like guys. That guy needs a lesson on what being bi means. At least admit you're just a straight guy who likes head, and maybe next time the boy you pick up won't be so shocked for the rest of the evening.

Monday, January 15, 2007

Craigslist is your friend...?

Wow. I certainly wasn't expecting that.

I had posted on CL looking for a guy to go out to coffee with. I figured I should try and meet someone and chatting to someone gay/bi my age. I went out for a movie date instead with one guy, who was awkward and very not my type. We had a nice time, and he tried to come back to my place, but it wasn't happening. I'm not that desperate to get a boy in bed again.

Juan was my second coffee date. We had chatted online, and he seemed very sweet. He also sent me a nice picture of him on the beach, and I was taken instantly. "Yes!" I thought. "Cute boy who's a sweetheart, with his own place, and might be into me. Success!"

I showered, shaved, and tried to make myself presentable for him, because the way our conversation had ended, we were open to having more than just coffee. We met for coffee, and as soon as I looked at his face, I knew I was doomed. He was a changed man from the hot guy on the beach. I'll be honest, body size is a factor for me, as far as not being truely fat, but otherwise I don't mind guys who aren't twink slim. Its all about the face with me, and how cute you are. This boy was not cute.

Well, I wasn't going to run screaming, because we hadn't made the plan exclusively for sex, so I stayed and had coffee with him. Our conversation was a little limited, I think in part because I was taken offguard by the fact I wasn't going to get to have my fun with a cute boy after all. As the time drew to a close, he made some mention of moving on to a new place, or possibly just ending it then and there. I swallowed the lump in my throat, and quietly explained that this was probably as far as it was going, and I'd be fine with just exiting now. He was a little surprised, I think, because he went kinda quiet. But we shook hands as we parted, and he seemed to be better with it.

I kinda hated myself for being mean to someone like that. I'm not the one who does the rejecting usually, and it was an awkward experience. At the same time, I'm not going to do anything with someone I'm not into. When I got home, I kinda said to myself, "What a waste of my life!" But really, if you never try, you never get anything.

I wanted to jerk off since I had this pent up sex energy, so I went online, and stupidly hit a very sexy teen site. These boys were all super-twink-college types, slender and sexy as hell, holding each other and humping happily. I sighed heavily at that point. Where do you meet these cute guys? They're my age, yet they're having this amazingly sexy sex with equally sexy partners. I realize now that I'm maybe not as bad looking as I thought (if my coffee dates are any indication). But were do I meet these cute guys, who appear to be such sexual pros?

Sunday, January 14, 2007

The pickup...

It's incredibly hard to use Craigslist effectively. After quietly reading posts for about a month, and warming up to the idea that a) if I wanted to have sex with a boy, I'd be able to find one online b)gay/bi guys, closeted or not, pick up on CL all the time, because it's easy to find people that will sleep with the same sex, and not beat you up for asking, I realized my only option to finally get down with some guys would be to get online.

After waiting for what seemed like ever, I found a post for a guy around my age who identified as bi, and wanted to find another bi guy for some experimentation. I emailed him, he emailed me back, and we attempted to meet. But we could never choose the right time, place, day...nothing seemed to work out. I was very frustrated and kept looking.

I then found guy #2, who I'll call Jimmy. Again a guy my age, interested in fooling around with inexperienced guys. We chatted, and I became more open to the option of meeting him. We were both terrified of actually meeting a guy for sex, but both wanted to so badly. After settling on a date, and a time, and talking dirty to each other for hours on end, he flaked on me. I'm still hoping that Jimmy will be an option, because he was kinda cute, but as I spread my attention more around CL, I'm feeling less like its the end of the world if we never meet.

After that ordeal, I met another guy online, who I'll name Jamie. He posted looking for sex, and I happily oblidged. After chatting with him for about two mintues, we completely missed talking about just sex, and started talking about a whole lot of things...our programs, life, being gay/bi. We were hitting it off well. After another night of talking for hours on end, I suggested we finally meet, since we were becoming good friends online. I was a little nervous, since I didn't want to take on the role of puppy dog and fall all over him, only to find out that he was being polite online and didn't really care to see me. It turns out that he wanted to meet me as much as I did him, so we arranged to get together the next day.

After showing up a little late, we walked around his campus for a bit on the way to a bar. Getting a few drinks into us, we chatted more and more about everything under the sun. Finally we headed back to his place, walking comfortably in the fresh night air. We hadn't talked about hooking up the whole night, but it was a definite undercurrent, and I went with the flow.

We got to a quiet part of campus, literally an old-style inner courtyard. Nobody was around, the windows were mostly dark, and the wind rustled the treelimbs overhead. We had reached the moment I've been waiting for for years. Our voices dropped, we moved closer together, and we kissed.

I was quite impressed with myself because I didn't feel all that nervous, or scared, or much of anything but healthy sexual energy. We kissed for a minute, made some bad 'wanna come to my place?' jokes, and walked hand in hand to his room.

Once inside, I got to fufil a mild fantasy of mine. Instead of clicking on the lights, Jamie plugged in strings of Christmas lights. It created a soft glow that actually lit the room quite well. Ever since reading a blogger's post about having sex by Christmas lights, I've been hoping to actually experience it. It was soft and sensual.

After getting comfy on his bed, clothes started falling off...and before long I'd given my first blowjob. We really lost track of time, and by the end of it, we realized we'd been fooling around for the better part of 2 hours. By then, the subway was closed, and I didn't have enough money for a cab home, so Jamie invited me to stay. We curled up and I fell lightly to sleep, holding my first boy beside me.

About an hour later, I woke up, and realized Jamie was awake too. We started kissing softly, then it turned more serious, and our hardons were out again. I rolled over on top of him, grabbing both of us at once, jerking us together. Then leaning forward, I started pumping away, grinding my groin in his. He reciprocated, moaning, and we rubbed each other for who knows how long. Finally, I blew a huge load over his stomache, collapsing beside him. He grabbed himself, and with me rubbing his legs and balls, added his load to his stomache.

"I guess we're going to need the towel again," he said simply.

I'm still here...

I haven't forgotten about the blog, or stopped writing for it, or done anything like that. I just had some crazy few days...erm...weeks?...which included actual sex. That story later today!

Wednesday, January 3, 2007

Steps in a direction...

Wow, has it been a busy past few days. Between parties, family dinners, New Years Eve, and so much more, I can't believe that the time has almost already passed, and I'll be headed back to school. I'm excited because I get to start a new semester, with a fresh outlook on life. This Christmas break has really given me a lot of time to myself to think, for better or worse, about my position in life. It really feels like I'm teetering on the edge of choosing who I'm going to be, which sounds so pretentious/cliched but describes my feelings.

I'll admit, last semester was not really too much fun. I moved into a disfunctional roommate situation, my group of 1st year friends all fell apart, then after dealing with that emotional baggage I sequestered myself for nearly a month (other than weekends) to actually meet the demands of my courses. Sounds fun, doesn't it? I felt like a hermit, I struggled with lonliness, grew really close to someone I thought I never would, I felt uncool, unpopular and unwelcome.

When I got home, and actually looked back on the last few months, I was pretty scared. I'm already 20, and I don't have the life I want. I want to have more casual friends. I want to have more (read: begin to have) sex. I want a lover who I can snuggle with on rainy days. I want to be 'out there' having fun, experiencing life and my youth to the fullest.

What I do right now, though it feels comfortable, scares me to death. I watch old movies on public television. I do all my homework. I only buy a little food because I cook only for me. I go to bed because I have to get up early. Essentially, I feel like I'm an old man. And I feel like I'm missing out on college life.

So now, when I go back to school, I want to have a totally positive attitude and outlook. I want to meet people, go places, enjoy frivilous youth, be stupid (or as stupid as I can be), and break out of my shell. Of course this all sounds great on paper, but I'm trying to committ to actually doing it. It just depresses/scares me to death to read other older bloggers stories and comments about how magical my college years should be. Best time of my life, most fun, least responsibility, most sex...it sure doesn't feel that way now.

Happy New Years to everyone.