Give it a try...

I've decided to come out to my best friend at school, Lisa. I was going to do it Thursday night, I was psyched and ready to go, but our plans got cancelled, and I wasn't just going to send her an e-mail, "Oh, by the way, I'm bisexual, just so you know."

I don't really even know what I'm going to say to her, since this will be my first time coming out to anyone. So far in my mind, I've decided to tell her that I'm bi, that I've been with guys before so I know I'm sure, that I'm not turning into a different person now that I've told her, that I'm alright myself with my choice and sexuality, and that I don't know where to go from here.

Honestly I don't even know why I have this insane urge to tell her. I mean, I've been waiting years to tell anyone I suppose, but really, what will it change about my life? It's not the coming out to my close friends that scares me, it's coming out to the 'world at large', and having it get back to my family. I don't really worry that people in Toronto will look down on me because of my sexuality, but I still am scared that things will go somehow badly if I start telling people.

Also, as a bi guy, there's really so much and so little to tell at the same time. It's not like I'm fully gay, where I have to swear off women to my friends so they know I'm attracted to men. But it's not like I'm fully straight, and as a result have to show the rest of the world I'm open to guys as well.

It's also bringing up a lot of questions about what kind of bisexual I'm going to be. So far, I've met guys that embrace it almost as much as homosexual men embrace their sexuality: they participate in gay pride, they gay club, they date guys openly, and they also have women somewhere in there too. I've met the type that sleeps with guys, but doesn't really broadcast it, just allows it to happen if he meets another gay/bi guy, or if he hooks up online. That type doesn't really one way or the other broadcast to the world what their sexual preferences are. Then there's the closet bi guys, like I am right now. Nobody knows they're bi except the men they sleep with, and they're fine with it that way, because they're "just bi. What's there to say."

Since I'm a non-scene kind of guy, I don't think I'll be joining the rainbow group at school, participating in Pride parades or going to many gay clubs. Part of the reson I don't already is because I have no gay friends, so it's a little hard to break into that world without any 'in's. But at the same time, I don't want to live in the closet for the rest of my life, because I'm never going to actually meet anyone that will date me by surfing online sites. I mean, it's a possibility, but I really don't see it working out. Besides, it's hard to date someone when everyone around you thinks your straight. It kinda brings up some questions...

Anyway, I know (hope) Lisa will take it well. Her best friend from her hometown is gay, and he came out last summer, so it's not going to be a huge thing for her. Besides, I think she already knows/suspects, since she's asked me a few times if I'm sure I'm not gay. They were joking comments, but still, some of the things I've said over the years must sound pretty...gay.

I just hope this doesn't signifigantly change our relationship, or her perception of me. I don't really think it will, but at the same time anything is possible. I'll just stress to her the fact that I'm the same person I've always been since she's known me, but just felt the need to get this off my chest.