Steps in a direction...

Wow, has it been a busy past few days. Between parties, family dinners, New Years Eve, and so much more, I can't believe that the time has almost already passed, and I'll be headed back to school. I'm excited because I get to start a new semester, with a fresh outlook on life. This Christmas break has really given me a lot of time to myself to think, for better or worse, about my position in life. It really feels like I'm teetering on the edge of choosing who I'm going to be, which sounds so pretentious/cliched but describes my feelings.

I'll admit, last semester was not really too much fun. I moved into a disfunctional roommate situation, my group of 1st year friends all fell apart, then after dealing with that emotional baggage I sequestered myself for nearly a month (other than weekends) to actually meet the demands of my courses. Sounds fun, doesn't it? I felt like a hermit, I struggled with lonliness, grew really close to someone I thought I never would, I felt uncool, unpopular and unwelcome.

When I got home, and actually looked back on the last few months, I was pretty scared. I'm already 20, and I don't have the life I want. I want to have more casual friends. I want to have more (read: begin to have) sex. I want a lover who I can snuggle with on rainy days. I want to be 'out there' having fun, experiencing life and my youth to the fullest.

What I do right now, though it feels comfortable, scares me to death. I watch old movies on public television. I do all my homework. I only buy a little food because I cook only for me. I go to bed because I have to get up early. Essentially, I feel like I'm an old man. And I feel like I'm missing out on college life.

So now, when I go back to school, I want to have a totally positive attitude and outlook. I want to meet people, go places, enjoy frivilous youth, be stupid (or as stupid as I can be), and break out of my shell. Of course this all sounds great on paper, but I'm trying to committ to actually doing it. It just depresses/scares me to death to read other older bloggers stories and comments about how magical my college years should be. Best time of my life, most fun, least responsibility, most sex...it sure doesn't feel that way now.

Happy New Years to everyone.