Saturday, March 31, 2007


You know when you're tired, especially when your body feels all dragged down.

Like this morning, I woke up with a scratchy throat, baggy eyes and a bit of a headache that never really went away. After considering it for the day, I decided that I'm tired and should probably get some sleep (after I post, of course).

Today was uneventful, but it was nice not to be too busy. I did something wonderful, though. I handed in my 60-day notice to my landlord, so I'm officially going to be away from my hellish roommate soon! Not that the 60 days come before the end of school, but it formally recognizes the fact that we're done in that short amount of time. Yay!

Also in exciting news, on Wednesday night Laura and I had dinner at her place, where she announced that one of her roommates is moving out, and she wants me to move in. At first I was so surprised that I didn't really get excited, rather started disecting reasons why I shouldn't live with her and her other roommate (who I love). But I couldn't come up with anything substantial (other than we need to do some serious decorating...wait, isn't it supposed to be the woman's touch? not the other way around?...) When I told my mom about it, she basically said that I'm doing it, "Right!?" So there are no formal details yet about when I get my room, but it's 95% official that I have new roommates for next year.

This weather is so wonderful, a real boost for soul. Better weather means more people out, and there's nothing more that I love than the bustling city streets (especially at night, it's just so damn cool!). But I swear, I'm going to have to stop walking home through the Village at night. Of course, I was passing through at 11, prime-time where everyone is showing up. During the daylight hours, I shake my head and think, "I don't need to be a part of that, hell, I don't go clubbing as it is, so why would I want to go gay clubbing?" Yet when it's dark out, all I can think about while walking home is how great it would be to have a group to go out with, people that I fit in with who weren't (completely) judgemental.

I don't even know what's reality vs. what's illusion. All I read about are the major drug problems with gay (and straight) clubs, the unsafe sex pratices of people who indulge in it, the horribly judgemental queens who tear each other to shreads. But the illusion I see when walking down the street is hot, young guys having fun in a pretty comrader-ish way.

My current make-me-feel-better attitude is, "Don't worry about it for this year, you've got 2 weeks of school left, you're not going to develop a social life in that time anyway so just focus on next September and doing it then." But that's always my approach...invest in my fantasy about the future. To an extent, it's worked out ok. I managed to do a lot of stuff in this semester that was only a dream in first semester...but it's more complicated than that. I have to meet gay guys who I'm compatible with for friendship, then develop enough of a group to actually go out with, then actually take the plunge and go...all this from a guy who doesn't know how to make 'new friends' anyway.

Ugh. Well I'm not going to beat myself up about it tonight (I'm too tired anyway), but I just can't shake the images of the hot blondes in tight pants bouncing down the road to the clubs, while I walked home on another night. God, I really need to stop repeating this post over and over and over...

Friday, March 30, 2007

Why am I surprised...

I really need to resolve to be either a positive or negative person, and carry said outlook onto the rest of life.

Wednesday was a craaaaazy day for me. We had a big project presentation in a class that was lots of fun, but took up the entire afternoon. I also got a haircut in the morning that I absoloutely love, probably the happiest I've been with my hair, ever. It's shorter, but still got length, and when you put gunk (the not-so-fancy term for product) into it, I can make it do all sorts of interesting things that actually look quite good.

I was always really self-conscious of my hair covering my forhead, because I have a high I'm not going bald, it's always been that way, and that's not even what bothers me. I have a scar left from when I had chicken pox, and I never really wanted anyone to see it.

But now with my amazing new haircut, I had some massive revalation that it doesn't matter, and I now look 10 times better than I have recently. Add to that a new spring jacket, some really great new jeans, new-ish shoes...I looked fucking hot. And the best part...I felt hot.

Today was much similar, only I had to style the hair by myself this morning...which went fine thankfully. I skampered off to class, which proved to be our last (the prof is giving us the last 2 weeks to work on assignments...weird, but whatever). We went out afterwards for a celebratory lunch, then I headed to more class.

I waited paitently by the phone at 8:30, waiting for Brian to call. We planned on dinner around then, whenever he got out of the gym. I was a little nervous about what would happen, but also really excited to see him. I haven't seen him since the day before things ended, and only talked to him once earlier this week online. I mean, going from seeing him once every couple days, and talking pretty much every day, to not speaking was strange, and I do miss him since we got along well.

I was still waiting at 9:15, as I walked the streets near where we were to meet. I called, and got no answer. I called again, and got no answer. I called Lisa and asked her what she thought. She didn't really have an answer...I guess she was trying to be optimistic. I ended up dragging my sorry ass to her place and eating dinner at 10:30 with her watching me. I got a text at 10:20 from him saying that he was just in the changeroom at the gym, and we'd have to reschedual.

My response was, of course, to assume the worst. He'd got cold feet, or he'd wanted to string me along, or maybe play some mind games with me...but no, this didn't sound like him at all. I was letting my disappointment cloud my judgement. But at the same time, I was legitimately pissed off. We'd talked again this afternoon online while I was still in class to confirm the fact we were having dinner at 9 and for him to call me. Then he texts me finally wayyyy later, when he could have easily phoned and said sorry.

When I got home now, I checked to see if he was online. Sure enough, he was, and his screen-name said that he'd gotten back from the gym with his roommate. That explained a little bit...and that was what always scared me when we were going out, his roommate was really phoney, friendly at first but really caloused behind people's backs. I'm afraid that he's influencing Brian to not bother talking to me, why I wouldn't know other than he just doesn't like many people and probably feels protective of him.

Anyway I just felt very small again, after really having a good 2 days, and feeling good, to have it all blow up in my face. All I wanted was to get us into some sort of friendship mode before I go home and don't see him until September, and right now I'm questioning if he's really as committed to it as he said he is.

Wednesday, March 28, 2007

Dead people are damned heavy...

Today was my second time being a pallbearer, and the experience was pushed on me much as the first was.

Both times I was called into duty because a)There was pretty much nobody at the funeral and b)Everyone who was there is too old to do it. Not that I minded doing it, or didn't observe the signifigance of traveling with someone to their final resting's just not something I'd like to continually do because everyone else can't do it.

And bloody hell, do they weigh the caskets down? I mean the dearly departed was over 90 years old, I don't think there would be a lot of body mass in there to cause such a weight. But either I'm horribly weak (who, me!?) or I was having an off day, because slugging the casket around the cemetary was a pain in the ass.

At least, I wish it were a pain in the ass (what a transition!). I'm so sex deprived I'm afraid I'll forget how the next time I actually sleep with somebody. I didn't think I was having that much random sex before getting into a relationship, but it was enough to keep me satisfied. Now I'm scratching my itch several times a day, but not getting the same results one feels when there's another person offering a helping hand. And I don't even want to think about summer...

But I did get one nice thing out of today. Some guy messaged me via a dating site I belong to, and made me feel like less of a loser by complimenting how nice an evening with me sounds. I got to message him back today with my e-mail address, but I haven't heard anything back yet.

That's gotta be the biggest disadvantage of online; everything has the potential to be a huge tease. You get all excited when someone messages you, so you message back...and then never hear from them again. In an age where our collective interest lasts 1.3 seconds, it's almost improbable that you'll hear back from someone who messaged you.

In some situations, it's ok, like when they're wanting to hang you by your toenails and jerk you off with a banana peel...probably a good thing to not hear back from those ones...but when it sounds like a sane person who just might be a little bit of fun and not chuck you the next day, you kinda get antsy when you don't hear back.

Ah well...another night wasted attempting to do homework while chatting to my friends online. I'm so looking forward to the time when we don't have any more work, and can finally get back to being students.

Tuesday, March 27, 2007

Inconvenient Death...

A relative whom I haven't seen in 10 years died on Friday.

It didn't throw the family into a panic, nor did anyone really care. She was, after all, in her 90's, had lived a good life, and wasn't exactly everyone's favorite person. I'd harken her to the Aunt from an episode of Frasier, who died the same way, everyone was terrified of her, she criticized everything anyone did and was generally unplesant.

Now, I'm not being disrespectful in the least. Having never really known her I can't put my opinion forward. It's one of those very-far-removed relatives, and as one person put it, "The best type of funeral to go to!"

Yesterday, Mom and I went to the closest mall for her to return something she'd bought. I also wanted to look at suits...after all, it's been a while since I was in my formal-wear and after trying on the jacket I have now (which incedentally fits me like a cardboard box, and looks about as good), I decided it was time to shop for something more fashionable.

We hit up a few stores, but the staff knew little about suits. Hell, I knew more from 5 minutes of reading online than they did. One saleswoman put me in a suit so big I swear someone could have gotten in the jacket with me (not an entirely unplesant image, if I get to choose who that someone is...).

Finally I found a beautiful Calvin Klein suit, grey pinstripe, that fit me amazingly well and looked pretty hot too. I was satisfied, the salesman marked it up for alteration, but dear mother was giving me the "hrmmm" eyes. You all know what I'm talking about. So we stepped outside and did the 'talk about it over coffee' routine. She basically said that it was a frivilous expense, and that I don't ever wear suits or really need one for a 5-minute funeral. I was kind of let down, because why bother going through all the trying on and 3 stores before she tells me this?

Not to mention the fact that she spent $200 on some Nike athletic clothes...she has two weaknesses: clothes and dishes. The dishes are sporratic; she'll start some new set ("Why do we need another set of dishes we don't eat off of?") and go for months with buying only one or two small additions. The clothes are continuous, not that continuous in small-town-bum-fuck-nowhere means she shops on a daily basis...but she's no slouch. She pissed me off a little after saying that since I'd already spent $600 on clothes over the past few months, I really didn't have any budget left for a suit, unless of course I had my own savings for such an item. Right *eye roll*.

The evening was slow. Our weather is finally picking up, and I got to spend about an hour walking around the back yard breathing in the beautiful warm air and enjoying the sunset. I talked with Ashley for 2 hours, doing the counsiling thing for her (with summer fast approaching, she's freaking out about needing to define her and her boyfriend's relationship). It was a great chat, and naturally afterwards she asked me about my love life. I was so tempted to say what had gone on recently, but I don't want to do it over the phone...

Then it was off to online-land, where I bumped into Brian. This would be our first actual messaging conversation. I had planned on seeing him this week, but of course needed to tell him that part, so we started chatting.

He's very aloof online, and it was hard to get a conversation going. When I asked him to dinner Thursday, he seemed interested, but then our talking fell back to near silence, with me practically prying details about his new job and stuff from him. By the end I wondered if he really want's to do this friendship thing, or if he was just saying that to be polite. But he seemed interested before! Ugh...I'll know more on Thursday.

The other thing, he left himself a very, very big out. His answer was something to the effect of "Yeah, that should work fine, call my cell Thursday night and we'll see." So I'm not only unsure if he's going to say yes, but well aware of the fact I'm now second-fiddle to whatever other things he may be invited to that night. Hurray.

Well, I should probably get some sleep before it gets too late. I can't believe I have to go to a funeral, see a bunch of family members I haven't seen forever, and hang out with them looking like I'm wearing a cardboard box. I'm hoping they're not the type to watch what they wear (yes, it's been that long since I've seen them), so maybe I won't stick out like a hobo at the chapel.

Monday, March 26, 2007

Not-so-mixed messages...

While online last night, I happened to check my messages on one of those 'dating sites'. I didn't have any...surprise, surprise...but noticed that one of my 'frieds' was on. I looked, and lo-and-behold, it was Rez Guy. He would have noticed I was online as well, so I sat there for a minute and then logged into MSN. Moments later, I recieved a message from him on the site: "LETS"F FUCCCCCCCCCK".

I didn't quite know what to make of it, after the initial flattery and sexual rush it gave me. But as I looked at it...I mean he was obviously typing in a hurry, and it's not something that I really care to have perfect use of grammar...but I take it that he's very interested?...

So I messaged him back, then messaged him through MSN. This is the part that always throws me off...he messages me, then I message him back to get this result: a very breif conversation that has nothing to do with sex.

I started off with "I love your way with words", to which he replied "what's going on"... not exactly a lead-off that captures the attention like "LETS FUCK". I asked him whats new, he told me that he still hadn't handed in the essay for that class we're both in, and then he said he had to go.

Not wanting to have wasted another opportunity, I quickly stuck in "would you be free some night this week?", to which he replied a simple "yeah".

I really don't know what to do with this guy! I mean, he's interested (I think) but every time we have a conversation outside of the website and through MSN, he basically looses all sexual forwardness. So I guess he just can't bring himself to type "I want to sex you up" in MSN, but can easily do it on the dating site, somewhere that promotes such promiscuity.

Or maybe he's just not as smart as I thought...oh well, I'm really aiming to meet for coffee this week...yay! And for all the nay-sayers (and I do love you, by the way), I think I'm allowed one more indescretion before I try to make every gay I meet my friend.

Sunday, March 25, 2007

A failure!...

My gaydar failed me on Friday.

Totally, completely, entirely failed. I had picked up nary a flicker of "oh, he's gay" from the guy in my discussion group.

Not that I'd even realized my gaydar had developed, but it seemed to be something so natural, something that came to me one night in my dreams and hadn't yet failed me. I walk down the road, and I just know if a guy is gay. Now, I'm not talking about walking throught the Village, because that would be cheating...but I can just tell, and have had very good success rate from what other people tell me.

I couldn't even tell you what characteristics I notice when my gaydar goes off. Strange, it's not even as if a flashing red light appears overhead of anyone who I believe to be gay, it's just more of a realization, "Oh, wow you're gay!"

Anyway back to Friday morning, where sitting in my English class we were randomly devided into 10 groups, each group given a topic to discuss, and ultimately present our critical theories to the rest of the lecture. Even though I was sitting with people I know, I wound up being in a group with a newer but growing-friendlier-friend, Christina, as well as Peter, a friend who lived in my Rez building last year. There was one other guy, who I'd never spoken to before, but was very interested to meet.

You know that feeling you get when you're in a crowd of people, and you see someone you don't know. It's this sense that you should really get to know them, some unseen force pushing you to actually make contact. It happened with Lisa, and a few other this isn't something that I feel every time I walk into a new class or situation. But I felt it since I'd seen this guy, and now I was given my chance.

His name is Eric, and he's in a similar-though-not-the-same program as mine. I immediately took a liking to him, because he laughed at my feably-witty jokes and seemed intelligent and sincere. We ended up talking for most of the time about things completely unrelated to the book, and it was time well spent. I even surprised myself, shy old me, as soon as he sat down in front of me I said simply, "What's your name?" and stuck out my hand. Ok, this sounds pretty lame, but nobody really does that when they have the option of just sitting there and talking superficially. I wanted to get to know him, here was my chance.

After the class I went on my way, and didn't really think about him until I got home and hit Facebook. I even forgot to add him until I'd moved on to something else...but I remembered and quickly looked him up.

His profile loaded, and I quickly scanned the info...hrm, no birthday listed, I guess I can't find out if he's older like I expected...and OH MY GOD he's gay.

Seriously, it threw me right off. I'd never expected he was gay! No suspicion, no warning...yet there it was on Facebook: Interested in - Males. Wow.

Then I got even more excited, because although he's not the typical gay guy (and after a quick check of his photos he doesn't appear to be a big partier either) I revelled in the opportunity to make this guy a friend of mine, who co-incidently would also be a gay friend. And the best part is, I didn't seek him out thinking "I must make this gay guy my friend," but rather, "I want to meet this guy and get to know him, and wow he's also gay, isn't that a funny afterthought!"

So I'm very excited to get back into class with him and hopefully get friendlier with him. Even though school's almost over, whatever, he'll be around next year too. I want to plant the seed before I miss the opportunity!

Also, I have to test my gaydar a couple more times before I move home, because I'm going to need it this summer, in the event I detect someone I know or meet is gay (because it's going to be one hell of a lonely summer...). I've gotta make sure my equipment is in working order before I start flirting with the guy at the library, after my startling failure-to-detect.

Saturday, March 24, 2007

Clear and open...

We sat on opposite couches in our green living room. A nearly empty glass of wine sat near me, a mug of tea near her.

I let the first impressions sink in. She never really asked any detials about my 'relationship' other than sexual ones and where did we meet. That actually kind of hurt, because I was so willing to share the fact that I had been in this relationship and to talk about it openly, but she really never asked. I guess she just doesn't want to know at this point.

Three main topics summed up the converstaion:

1) Dad. He apparently has no idea (or so he has told her), and she doesn't see him taking this well. Not that he doesn't love me, but the "shock will really throw him". We talked a lot about what we would do now, and I realized I put her in a compromised position with him, because they 'tell each other everything'. I said simply that I was more worried about her feelings, not his at the moment, but she kept going back to it.

2) Everyone else. Why would I want the rest of the world to know, when it can only make life more difficult? I explained that it's taken me many, many years to fully realize my sexuality. It's not something that I'm going to ignore anymore, or expect to change or even want to keep a secret. At first she was worried about the rest of the town finding out, but as we talked she realized that we both really don't have anything to do with anyone in particular that my sexuality would be a topic that would adversly effect her/my life.

The rest of our family is another story. I had already decided not to tell my grandparents, and she said before I got the chance to that I shouldn't risk loosing them over this, no matter how comfortable I am. They are not, nor will they be, and they would probably never speak to me again. My uncle and aunt and cousins are another story. We again agreed that they are bigoted, closed minded people who wouldn't deal with it well. After all, I'd be the first one in the family to officially come out, so it wouldn't exactly be good. I emphasized that I really don't care about them, other than the formalities, and my concern was mostly between my parents relationship with them. She realized that they would blame her for bringing me up wrong, "But they blame me for everything, so that doesn't matter."

3)Safety. According to her, the mothering instincts were causing most of her reservations about my sexuality. She worried about me and our family, my safety in the rest of the world, safe sex and HIV...she's got so many stereotypes in her mind from reading so many commonplace magazines that she was asking questions as if I was a circuit boy. I assured her that I've been safe and drew the conclusion of safety as I did here (with help from some comments, so thanks guys). I explained that the risk is the same, if you're sleeping with the same person who's not honest with you 100 times, or you sleep with 100 guys randomly. It's not a justification to be the least bit unsafe, or an endorsment that random sex is risk-free, or any of that, but I tried my best to explain as openly as I could about sex.

There was lots of talking about things I can't even remember now. I could actually see her working through things as we talked, which really made me releaved. She didn't once stand up and pace, or burst into tears or scream angrily at me. That's not to say she wasn't emotional, but it wasn't anything too dramatic. In the end she said that she would rather that I wasn't the way I am, because she wants everything to be perfect and as least difficult as possible. I tried to tell her that the way society is shifting, so quickly in the past 5 years, that my generation won't really have major issues with it. She looked at me like I was from mars, and said that was just a really positive but unrealistic outlook. Maybe so, but people are much more accepting now than ever before.

When she said the part about wishing I wasn't this way, I almost said that I wouldn't change being who I am. I didn't, because it wouldn't have been reassuring to her at that moment, but for the first time I realized that I wouldn't trade my sexuality magically to become straight (or even worse for life, gay!). It was a major realization for me.

I also tried to reassure her about the meaning of bisexuality. She was most worried at the fact I may not get the house with the white picket fence, have 3 kids and a wife and live happily ever after. I reminded her that, even if I were straight, that scenario might have never happened anyway. And who knows, it could someday. It was amazing to be able to, after lots of reading and research, poke enough holes in all of her counter-arguments to make them seem less threatening and hopefully help her accept it easier.

Dad came home and our conversation came to a close. I'd said everything I could think of, emphasised that she needed to ask me any type of question whenever she wanted and I would answer it with complete honesty. We all went to be shortly afterwards. I had a fitful sleep, even though I was very tired my brain was very busy and wouldn't let me sleep. I gave up on the idea of sleeping in at 9 a.m. and prepared to face her after what I knew would be a night of little sleep.

Things were fine, as they had ended the night before. There was no distance that I had worried there would be, and she wasn't resentful or harsh to me. Dad went out, and we were left alone finally. Almost immediately she came and asked if she could ask a few questions.

They were again all to do about sex. I had anticipated such a discussion, and really I still don't know how to answer her questions. Truthfully is best, and I was mostly, but she has very reserved views on sexual encounters. At first she asked me how I'd slept with the guy I'd been seeing, since it only started in February and ended in March. I almost laughed out loud until I realized that she was serious. As diplomatically as possible I told her that in today's society sex isn't seen as something of a last resort; that people feel it differently, and sex comes naturally to some just as waiting comes naturally to others. She then launched into another discussion about safety, at bars and clubs and what if I was drunk and had sex with someone...I answered every question with facts and medical authority, and was very calm when saying that yes, I would be needing to get tested for the rest of my life, and yes, I know where to go, and yes, I'm paranoid about safety.

Then she asked me how I knew so much, and not in a flattering way. I don't know why all my knowledge on every issue surprised her, but it must have been un-nerving for her to be confronted with someone who could actually answer her questions and explain things to her. I'm no authority, but I've done my reading and have the 'on-paper' stuff about begin gay/bi pretty well understood.

She finally sat down and just sighed and said she wanted everyone to just be happy. She wanted me to be happy, and knows I'm too strong-willed to surpress this because it would be an easier life. She wants our family to be happy, and everyone be healthy and comfortable and enjoy life. Simple things, she said, but not because we're simple, just because that's what life is about. I think she's actually adjusting remarkably well.


My grandparents demanded that we have a family day tomorrow.

We're all going away at seperate times over the next month or so, and although we just had my mom's birthday a few weekends ago, they felt the need to get us all back together.

They're also not the type to do the gentle "What's everyone doing this weekend?" It was very blunt, very basic...we're coming up. Everyone be there. That is all.

So I made the trip home, not really wanting to, missing a few social opportunities to keep the peace with the family. I had no idea that I would wind up coming out to my mom tonight.

It all went down easily enough. Dad was away for the evening, so we had lots of time to talk. She was ready to settle in for the night at about 8:30, and I sat on the couch opposite her and just asked, "Can we talk?"

"Oh...ok," she said, scratching her head. "It's not too serious, is it?"

I laughed humourlessly. "Well...not really."

I then started my tale, leading off with, "Well, last week when we were talking about relationships...I actually just got dumped last week."

I explained that I had been in a relationship with a guy, when it started and that it'd ended. She immediately questioned what 'relationship' meant...and as I found out she's got a somewhat skewed sense of the way 'the other side' works.

We talked for about 2 hours. It was constructive, not too messy. Nothing too offensive was said (and what was wasn't intentional). She took it in varying stages, but handeled it really well. By the end of the evening, she said goodnight and gave me a long hug and an "I love you."

I'll give you the full account of the story, but I'm still processing it all myself. It actually raised several questions for me about coming out, but made me feel good about myself and made me realize things that I wasn't completely sure of before. So I'm now out to yet another person, this one a little more important than others before.

Wednesday, March 21, 2007

That bitch...

If you recall, my roommate and I don't get along. It's for various reasons, but overall she's turned into a psycho-bitch.

Well last night I came home after hanging out at some friend's, around 10:45. It was a night like any other, she was in her room, and I was headed to mine. But then came the buzzer, and I knew she had company.

I went into my room, closed my door and dropped my towel along the floor in front of it. There's about a 2" gap from the bottom of the door to the floor, and it's pretty loud when there are people talking in the living room. You get to hear things you shouldn't. Hell, you still get to hear things even with a towel across.

As I was standing up, I heard her talking to a guy whose voice I've never heard before. But it was strange, because the first thing he asked was if her "weird roommate" was home.

"Oh, I don't know, his light was on a minute ago, but maybe he shut it off...or left...he's weird."

She then went on to have a 3 minute discussion about how I was the one who made our situation the way it is, how she's tried to be nice but I won't respond, and how thankfully it's only 2 more months until our lease is up because "this is no way to live."

Ohhh...poor her...yeah, I'm really a bastard to live with! I clean and am conscious of the noise I make (especially when trash-talking), and if my ignoring her exsistance because she's nothing but a spoilt child means that I'm weird...then yes, I'm a freak.

I couldn't believe that I was still surprised about the things she comes out with. Or that I can still be hurt by the fact that someone I don't respect in the least is trashing me to another person, who I don't even know. I tried to stop myself, I stood there and said "I don't care what she thinks of me. In a few weeks I'll never have to speak to her again." It worked. Sorta.

I pulled on headphones to drown out the noise, and because I didn't want to hear anything else. But she had invaded my inbox last night too. An e-mail sat waiting, asking what my plans are about moving out since we have to give our notice soon. She then added something about how she "doesn't like the way we're living, it annoys me" and a couple other childish comments about our living situation.

That pretty much sealed the deal for me. I drafted a very nasty response, including "You really should watch what you say in this place...the walls are thin, in case you forget that." (Oooh scandalous comment, eh? It'd have made more sense in the context of the e-mail) But I didn't send it. Either I'm more mature or more professional (or those are the qualities I call being intimidated and meek), but I couldn't send it. It's just not cricket, no matter how much of a bitch she is. Professionalism to the last!

However, in the event she sends me an e-mail after we part ways, I'll have no problem telling her how much of a disappointing human being she is.

Monday, March 19, 2007

Snowy days in March...

I've definately hit a new phase in the 'move on with life' thing.

Not like I was super-invested in my relationship, but it was my first in a very long while and it made me happy to have someone. Not that I 'need someone' or am turning into the person who can't be alone for 5 minutes...but everything's nicer when there's someone around.

Since I got up Sunday morning I've been working on an essay. Thankfully I'm almost finished, I've written the damn thing, now I just have to source it. But I'm majorly distracted, like every good student.

Only my distractions aren't typical 'what's on TV' things...I must say I'm the most down about what happened last week right now that I was then. It's the whole alone-ness, and the lack of sex, and the same old self-doubt that was bothering me before.

As I scrolled the dating sites, looking for guys who might be interested in dating, I realized how scary it is again to go out and find someone. I don't even know what happened those weeks ago when I had lined up like 3 dates with guys...I seemed to be on a roll, everything was looking up, and I had a good time. Things went further, and I wound up with Brian, and I guess I just forgot how being single is scary at times.

I could be looking at it as a blessing. I get to run around and have sex with whomever and enjoy life. (Incidentally, this probably won't be happening). But like I was realizing before, my enjoyment is multiplied when I get the satisfaction of being with someone and snuggling afterwards, not just pulling on clothes and going home alone.

And now I think I'm more scared than ever that I won't be able to replicate the results I had before. I want to know that I'll be able to find someone again, and be as happy as so many others seem to be right now. On the same hand, I have to aknowledge that I'm insane if I start asking guys out right now, with me leaving town in a few weeks. But I'm lonely, and I'll admit it.

All the things I promised myself that I, the rock-steady, stoic, mature 20-year-old that I am, wouldn't let bother me.

Plus this weather is just plain shit. I want spring sunshine, and no more snow. And I've got deadlines that I'm about to burn an ulcer into my stomach over. And life right now is just a pain in the ass.

I think I'm going to do a Starbucks run, then more work...even though I have no drive to do it. But I guess it beats sitting around worrying that I'll never get a date again...

Sunday, March 18, 2007

Why am I socially inept!?...

So you'll never guess who I ran into tonight. Very horny. Rather drunk. And now, I realize, propositioning me.

I went to Laura's place tonight for a good house party, complete with green jello shooters and lots of beer (naturally Canadian, our favourite brand). The evening started at 8 and I drank continuously until 2, when we lit the second very large joint, only this time it was shared between me and another bloke. (I swear, you must all think I'm a drug addict. Honestly, I never smoke unless with people at a party...which is practically never.)

Well, I said my goodbyes to Laura and her roommate and her boyfriend and boarded the elevator. A quick (well, felt very quick) ride down the elevator and I was on my way out the door...only I heard someone talking to me. And guess who it was.

Rez Guy.

I almost pissed my pants, as recognition set in. He smiled at me, motioned for a hug which I greatfully returned and we started talking. I suttered out that I was heading home after being at my friends, and that I was very, very high. He laughed and said he (and his small group of 2-3 blonde girls, though I didn't count the exact number) were headed upstairs to his place to smoke.

He then asked me again what I was doing. I smiled and laughed stupidly and we talked a little bit more, with some very goofy and sexually manipulated smiles on our faces, and I walked out into the cold night.

About 250 feet from the front door, I said aloud, "FUCK."

I realized with the impact of about 100 cars that I'd just been invited up to smoke some more with Rez Guy and then to spend the night with him. How fucking stupid am I to have missed the fact that 'What are you doing' meant would you like to come upstairs?...

Anyway I feel so stupid right now, very drunk and very high. It would have either been the best or worst sex I've ever had if I'd have stayed tonight. Plus I didn't exactly prepare myself for being naked tonight, even if it was totally high and in the dark...I'm just about to message him via Facebook about all the dirty thoughts that passed through my head on my walk home...

Saturday, March 17, 2007

An exchange...

Since I have nothing noteworthy to report from today (since St.Patty's drinking doesn't happen until tonight), I thought I'd put up my recent e-mail correspondance with Brian. He texted me this afternoon a "Happy St. Patricks", and I decided to finally sit down and write the message:

(Steve to Brian)
Hey, I just got your text a few minutes ago. So I thought I'd sit down now and write this out, after I've had a few days to process stuff.

I'm sorry if I said some things that were offensive the other night. I wasn't trying to be a dick, but I realize now that some things were said very bluntly and probably taken in the worst way possible. The reason I said some of it was because I was more than a little surprised at what was happening. The other reason was the fact that you didn't really pad things you said, which you shouldn't, but I mean to say that you didn't really reassure me that what had happened since February was something you were going to miss. I reacted to that the most because it was the most hurtful part, the fact that you didn't say how it'd been good and that you'd be sorry to see it gone. It was (from my side) just boom, I don't think we should see each other anymore. But maybe I wasn't reading it properly because I wasn't looking at it clearly.

The other thing that I didn't quite understand (and still don't) is why this had to happen at this moment. I guess since we'd never discussed it before, it's not fair for me to look at it that way, I can't be mad at you for doing something we never agreed upon. I mean to say, I was realizing that mid-April things would be over, but I guess I sort of felt there was an unsaid agreement that we'd deal with it later. Obviously I was wrong about that, and that was why I said I was trying to live in the moment because I would have liked to enjoy the next few weeks with you and deal with the hurt later, than be dealing with it when we're both still around. It was a big thing at first, because we're both still here, and available, and I thought we could still really enjoy the last few weeks together. But maybe you've got some other possibilities to explore, I don't know what the case is, it just didn't make sense to me. That would be the other observation that I had about what bothered me the most.

I had a really great time with you, and I hope you know that. It was the most memorable Valentines I've ever had, and I just loved your company and being around you. I don't know if things were going to grow and spark a truly long-term thing, but I felt we were on the right track, and that's something that only time can tell. And I totally agree, it's too early for either of us to try a distance thing over the summer, that was something I'd already thought about too.

I'm trying to think of ways to express how it really was good. I hope that you feel the same way, and that you don't think our time was a waste because it didn't get to amount to a long-term thing. As corny as it sounds I definately felt like things were growing, and it was a great experience. I'm glad that even though it's over, it was a very special part of my year.

Another corny/cliche thing would be the fact that I hope we can actually remain friends. I don't hold any bad feelings for you, I'm not mad at you or any other melodramatic stuff. The reason that we ended is something that I completely understand, my not being here in the summer. (At least for me) it wasn't about anything else, and even though I'm a little upset at the fact it ended sooner than I thought it would, I knew full well that in April things would have to be brought to a close. So I really do hope that we'll still get to see each other and enjoy each other's company, because I don't harbour any ill-will or anything.

I guess that's all I can think of right now. It felt like there was so much more to say, but at this point I think I'd be repeating myself (and giving your editorial skills even more targets lol). But yeah, call me, text me, e-mail me, whatever, I'm here and I hope that we can start a friendship even though bad timing got in the way of our other relationship.

Brian to Steve
hey, thanks for the email , and yes I would like to remain friends. It was a good experience, I ended it sooner rather then later, because as emotions for you were building, I didnt want more to be hurt in the end.. so yes, thats how i feel, its aweful that its over, but good because maybe we can have a sustaining friendship instead! Id love to get together with you sometime and have drinks or food or something.. im sure you are super busy tonight, but im not.. haha.. so let me know.. anyway ... give me a shout, anytime

Steve to Brian
Just to clarify (now that I'm nitpicking) when you say "as emotions for you were building, I didnt want more to be hurt in the end" were there no emotions building for you? I mean just the way you phrase that, I'm a little worried that you weren't as interested in me as maybe I thought you were...

Sorry for being so nitpicky but at this point what the hell, right?

Otherwise I'm glad we're both on the same page with the friendship thing and hopefully next week (but maybe not 'till the one after) we can do something.

Brian to Steve
i ment I already had alot of emotion for you... sorry bad phrasing.. and more was building up.. thats all
anyway .. good luck with next week then.. i know how school can be rather busy ;)

Friday, March 16, 2007

In other, more ironic news...

Last night, before my being dumped, I had Laura over for pizza and wine.

It was our tradition this year, usually meeting one night a week to crack open a bottle and eat pizza, and catch up on whats new. As usual, our conversation covered pretty much every subject, then came to sex.

We were outside on the balcony enjoying the last few minutes of warmpth when she did the whole "personal question" thing about my sex life. Not that I haven't already told her pretty much everything pre-January, but she must have thought there had been new developments.

So I looked her in the eye, and said, "Do you really want to know. I mean, really seriously."

She was even more interested, since I put so much weight on the whole thing. But she wanted to know. So we came back in, sat down at the table, and I again looked her in the eye and said, "I'm bisexual."

Her reaction wasn't really that big. I don't remember what she said, but it wasn't a recoil of horror. She just kinda said that's cool, and how one of her ex-boyfriends was bi. She asked about when I knew, and when I started doing guys, and what had I done...all the 'usual' questions (as I'm learning). She even asked the 'awkward' question, but I cut her off before she could actually get it out with "Yeah, I'm vers."

We talked about it, and she was actually really interested. We talked about coming out to more people, and she was very sympathetic about my worries of coming out to people at home. It was another great coming out. She never balked at anything, was completely alright with it, reassured me that everyone else will be too, and made me feel good about the fact that I'd just come out to another of my best friends. The only thing that made me laugh a little was the fact she demanded to know why I hadn't told her sooner. At that point I got a huge hug from her, and an "I love you so much." It really almost made me cry, because she truly meant it, and I don't get to see that part of her very often. It felt great to hear.

Then I got to tell her how I was in a relationship, and she got all excited (since it's been such a long while) and wanted all the details. I gave a very breif recap, but didn't tell her about any of the specifics, like my Valentines. She was really looking forward to meeting him, and we'd planned to go out for St.Patty's day.

Of course, after we talked about it all, I had to ask her if she was surprised. And she said that she never suspected it. So chalk up one that said she knew, and one that said she didn't. I wanted to know about the statement she made in Ottawa when I was joking about going out with one of our mutual (male) friends. She laughed, and said she meant it more that she could believe it from HIM, not as a subtle hint to me.

I felt really great about the whole experience. She went home at about 10, I walked her to the corner and grabbed Starbucks, and came back to get dumped. It was really ironic, after the fact, to realize that just an hour ago I'd been praised for being in a relationship, and had recieved all sorts of well wishes, and made plans to do the introduction thing, only to find myself no longer in said relationship.

After the incident, I e-mailed her and told her the bad news, because I felt like I needed to tell someone. I said I didn't know what to do this weekend, because now my plans were shot to shit, and that I'd probably be heading out of town because I didn't want to spend the weekend alone.

In the morning I got treated to a very morale-boosting e-mail from her, saying that if anyone didn't see how great of a guy I was and didn't want to stick with me, then fuck them. And that we're still going out for St.Patty's, or staying in, or whatever.

So now I'm feeling better about the weekend, since we've made a bunch of plans to write essays and go out this weekend. I might even be looking forward to it.

Thursday, March 15, 2007

So 24 short hours later...

No reconciliation e-mails arrived in my mailbox today. No big surprise.

I actually slept pretty fine. Mostly because I was already exhausted, and maybe too drained to actually let what happen sink in. This morning was a little different, when I rolled over and realized he wouldn't be in bed beside me again.

After that I didn't have much time to think about it. I ran into the shower, then off to class. We wrapped up early today, and because only a third of the people showed up our Prof took us out to the campus pub for beers. It was pretty cool to get tipsy with the guy who also decides our final marks. He got actually very happy and was telling us some stuff that he wouldn't normally. But isn't that why we drink anyway?

Once drinks finally finished, I decided that, being slightly drunk, I should go to Lisa's and continue drinking. I had a nice stiff rum and coke, and basically got stuff off my chest about the whole situation. It was really nice that she was there to hear it all.

Basically what I discovered was two things. One, the fact I was most hurt because he never said anything about how he enjoyed our time together, or that he'd miss me even though we couldn't be together anymore. The obvious rebuke to that would be that naturally, those things could go unsaid because he stayed with me for this long, so he must have felt something.

Two, that he couldn't just enjoy the last few weeks, knowing full well that in April it would end. It would have given us both a deadline, a solid time that we would both know and understand that things would 'be over'. So why pull the plug now, when we could still have had fun, if only for a few weeks. Again, the rebuttle to that would be the pre-emptive breakup, a defensive move on his part so that he'll be less hurt/bothered by it than if we ended things in a few weeks. But Lisa and I both agree that it makes more sense to enjoy yourself for a few more weeks instead of going through the emotions while we're both still available.

Well, I still haven't sent him that e-mail. Honestly, tonight I just wanted some time to myself to think about unrelated things, and not dwell on the bad. So tomorrow I've gotta write it, because there are a few things I want to say.

And can you believe that he didn't block me from his MSN? When I looked to see if he was online tonight, he was. I can't believe that he wouldn't have instantly blocked me last night.

Anyway I guess it's all over. I just have to get used to not having anyone around overnights. But that shouldn't be too hard, with the number of papers I have to write in the next few weeks...still, I was hoping to end the year on a high note, which I thought would include me actually being in some semblence of a relationship.

Why does it feel this way...

I just got dumped.

Online too. We did everything that equaled important relationship conversation online.

We started talking, as usual, about good things. Then it segued into him saying that he was thinking a lot today while at the gym, about me and things I've said and other stuff. So naturally I asked what he was thinking about me.

Well, it turns out that he's been "beating himself up every day, and needs to stop lying to himself that we'll work out" since I'm leaving Toronto after school ends and he's staying here. It was all very hurtful sounding comments that really weren't swipes against me as a person, just the fact that he's in such a quandry about seeing me when he thinks there can be no future.

They were hurtful because instead of saying "I've had such a good time but I need to stop lying to myself because you're leaving and it won't work long-distance" he said things that never told me if he enjoyed our time or not. Near the end I asked since he was so conscious of the future did he enjoy any of the present, to which he was very offended and promptly ended the conversation.

I guess I'm shellshocked right now. I don't know how to feel. Of course, I'm hurt. We had a good thing going, a really wonderful start. But things have been weird lately, I guess because he's been so obsessed with the future that he'd thought this through long before it was an issue for me.

Truthfully, when April came I was going to say "see you in September" and hope that he wasn't hurt. But he said that in 5 weeks "he could wind up REALLY hurt" and then said that we shouldn't be together anymore. It's funny that I was the one who thought I would have to bring this up and confess that I had no plans to do a long distance relationship from April until September.

I don't really mind that we're not going to be going out anymore. It was getting clear that I wasn't seeing a future beyond the end of term, and that I wasn't growing the deep attachment that I thought I should have felt. But it still hurts me somewhere inside, because I also did like him and thought we were having a good time together. That's what hurts the most right now, the fact that he never stressed how we had fun, it was all just about him looking for an LTR and how he needs to stop lying to himself before he winds up really hurt.

I also hope that he is hurting a little tonight too. Not in a sadistic way, I never wanted to cause him hurt, but in a way that he realizes how much fun he had (and how awesome I am) and that now instead of dealing with the hurt in April when he could have had a few more fun weeks, he decided to end things early.

Why did he have to do that? We both knew I wasn't going to be here, so why not just keep going until the last second? Why does he have to end it at an illogical point, when the logical ending would be in April? And am I being unfair to him by wishing that he'd just deal with it then instead of now?

Whatever the case, I now have a long email to write tomorrow saying that I hope he doesn't think I was minimalizing his feelings, and that I'm going to miss him.

Wednesday, March 14, 2007

Twas a hot and sunny day...

It's so warm out. And it has been for 2 days. Therefore it will probably be a blizzard by the end of the week...

I'm sorry for not posting sooner, but damn, I've been having another one of those weeks, including working with that crazy bitch I can't stand, who was equally as charming as usual.

The warmpth of these past few days has been amazing. It really does feel like spring is around the corner. It also feels like a cruel joke...that the warm will be taken away and we'll plunge back into the freezing cold. But for now I'm enjoying being able to stand on my balcony, not wearing a winter coat and scarf and gloves to walk to Starbucks, and the fact that the streets are bustling with people getting outside.

It makes me a little sad, because I'm starting to feel the pluse of the 'summer city'. People are out at all hours, walking, chatting, in good spirits. The warm smells and the feel of the air in the back of your throat are all the telltale signs that sleepless nights of 30 degree C weather are coming nearer and nearer.

I'd really like to experience a summer in the city, complete with friends on the balcony, cold gin and tonics, a barely-clothed guy standing in my living room...

But's something that I've yet to get the full effect of. Since I'll soon be returning to the great hills of small-town-bum-fuck-nowhere, I won't get more than a day in the summer city. No overnights, random ice-cream runs, being driven mad with passion from the heat...

Where am I getting these ideas that summer + heat = sex? Bad romance novels? Or even worse...bad reality MTV shows?

Maybe someday I'll get to live in the city for the summer. Then of course I'd need to make a whole batch of new friends to actually kill the time with on those hot August nights, since everyone I know goes home. Oh well, maybe someday...

Monday, March 12, 2007


Holy spent a lot of money lately!

Concerts everywhere...Lindsey Buckingham in April, Roger Waters in July, the Police in July and then today's damage of $177.00 for Genesis in September.

I'm sooooo excited! I mean, these are the acts that I've dreamed about seeing all my life. Real rock artists playing live shows. Never did I expect that I'd get to see Roger Waters, much less the Police or Genesis.

The downside is I've spent...oh my...lets say a bit of monies on shows that I cannot live without seeing. And there's a ton more that I'd love to go to, but can't because they're not right downtown. Also because I'm now near welfare and can't afford much of anything.

But holy crap am I excited!

The only downside...I'm going alone to all but the Lindsey Buckingham show. Yup, I'm boring. Or my friends are...I can't decide. I mean, I'd love to do the concert thing with friends more often, but nobody ever has the money or the interest to go to the shows I'm dying to see. So I get stuck going by myself.

And not often do I meet interesting characters and strike up conversation. When I saw Roger Waters in September, the only people who were talking were two blonde bimbos (a -la Paris & Nicole) who danced and screamed through the quiet numbers. Totally inappropriate for that part of the show...they were quite hammered and probably high as kites too, which I don't necessarily object to, but when you get in a fight with the guy behind you who wants your ass out of his face...

Oh well. I'm pumped. And it's not even April yet!

Sunday, March 11, 2007

Step forward, step back...

If this is how every relationship operates, I can understand why people concentrate on simply having sex day to day.

Honestly, I've about had enough of this shit. He comes back to me after the fact and says something about how he got upset, then I get upset because I don't want to be an asshole or be the 'mean one' or anything (and I can't believe that I'm hurtful toward others), then he gets upset that I'm getting upset, and goes all quiet. And naturally this is all online.

So apparently he was really hurt by something I said the other day at Starbucks. He suggested coffee, to which I agreed entirely. Once we got there, he was literally counting quarters to put together the money. I had offered to pay; he refused. Then I said something that I probably shouldn't have, but did as a bit of a joke (though it must not have sounded that way): "Oh, do I have to subsidize your coffee too?"

Not the greatest thing to say. But I don't mind at all paying for anything, which he should know by now, but he's got this idea that he can pay for my stuff and I can't pay for him without causing a scene. I'd bought him dinner the night before, after much protest on his part, since he literally had not a penny to his name.

Online later that day, he starts talking to me, very nice conversation. Then he said something about how he was upset before but now he's fine. Naturally I ask what was the problem, he says not to worry, I can't accept that so I push the issue, and he tells me how it was demeaning to be told that in public, how he knew the baristra *one of his friends* (seriously, this is how he typed it), and that he just wasn't prepared for me to say something like that to him.

Then he went on about how he needs to put up emotional barriers so that he's not so easily hurt in the future. At this point I felt sick to my stomach, after all I had caused him to feel this way, something that made me feel terrible. I'm not a mean person, everyone likes me and I'm always the nice one. But apparently I've got to re-examine that 'truth' because I seem to upset him on a semi-regular basis.

What worried me the most was the fact he feels like he needs to put up some barriers or something to keep himself protected, a harder shell so he doesn't take things too personally. I'm either incredibaly hard-shelled myself, or he's super-sensitive. I can't decide right now. During the conversation, I felt horrible about how I'd made him feel. After the conversation, I started to question if he was justified in being so overly sensitive about what happened. I can't decide, because I don't want to accuse him of being sensitive, and I also can't just blindly say it wasn't my fault.

He never says anything in person. He deals with everything in private, then tells me about it afterwards. It's all over trivial stuff. At one point when I asked him if he thought I looked down my nose at everyone he said he didn't know what he thought I did. I guess we're at the point where I need to ask him if he feels like it's worth it to expose himself to me, because I'm this bastard who's always making comments that seem to wind up hurting him.

The other thing I'm really trying to understand is why he's even interested in me. At first, I thought we were really similar, but as I learn more about him it seems like he's got a lot of things going on that are different from me. He's always talking about his friends, the artists and actors and club employees and on and on...pretty much the exciting artistic/clubber types. He's got friends all over the city he drops in on. I just don't understand where I fit in with these people, considering I didn't meet him at a gallery, or a club, or through any of his friends.

I just don't know. I'm trying not to screw this up, because I do like him. But at the same time, I don't know what he wants me to do, or how long we can go before I wind up saying something that he takes the wrong way again.

Saturday, March 10, 2007

All it takes is a little antagonizing...

I love how things always find a way to work out. Even when it's something mundane, that you don't really put a lot of thought into, the Master Plan seems to make things fall into place.

I was musing earlier today about what topics to blog about. In all honesty, I've felt like I've drifted away from the original purpose of my blog, which was exploring the different facets of my new bisexual life. But when I tried to think of things that were bothering me...I couldn't. Not like there isn't lots about how lost I feel, even after beginning my journey in January. But I didn't have a specific problem about which I wanted to vent or explore.

Then last tonight, like so many other nights, I was inspired by what I saw.

Groups of guys, all different ages, all headed out for a night of dancing and...whatever happens after dancing. Oh, and I'm quite sure they weren't going to meet their girlfriends at the club...

So this isn't a particularily strange sight, especially on a Friday night. But seeing them in the flesh made me feel a little shitty. I've managed to repress the fact that there are guys leading the fabulous life that only I get to read about...and seeing them in person is a little shocking. It's as if you're meeting a character from a novel, you know they shouldn't exist, they don't in the confines of your reality, yet here they stand.

I was instantly reminded about my feelings about 'fitting in'. I realized how different I felt from the guys walking directly past me, how I felt ugly, unstyled, alone and clearly not knowledgeable of the scene. There I was walking home, my hair doing all sorts of insane things after a day in the wind, not dressed particularily chic, and headed home from a mundane night at the pub, when there were well-groomed polished guys headed out for an evening of fun and friskiness. About the only thing we had in common was the cigarette stuck between my fingers.

And it's not just about appearence. It's the fact that I'm walking home alone while these groups of eligble guys are headed out to party at clubs. It's the fact they have what I sometimes vainly wish for and wonder if I'll ever have.

The biggest mystery I have yet to unravel about my coming out is where I'll fit into the gay community. And I have no idea how that'll go down. I mean, I'm terrified because I don't stand in front of the mirror for an hour before going outside, let alone spend three hours getting ready to go out at night. I have pretty much no self confidence about how I look at the best of times. Because as we all know, its all about the looks. Even guys who aren't the hottest do wonders in front of the mirror and with their clothes. After all, it's a package deal.

So on my walk home, I was faced with my reality. For all the daydreaming and wondering and hopeful thoughts of the past weeks, I realized I'm no farther ahead in that department. I'm so scared that once I'm out in a broader sense, and maybe start making some gay friends, I'm not going to fit in, or be ostricized.

As I said, I don't even know where I want to fit into the Village thing. I know it will never take over my life, that I'll never live inside of it because I'm bi and that I probably won't know the names of club owners and shop keepers. But I also vainly daydream of 'fitting in' with these people. It just doesn't help that I feel worlds apart when actually confronted by them.

Friday, March 9, 2007

There goes another one...

How is it Friday already. How?

It feels like it was just a few hours ago that I got back home from Ottawa, with so much hope for a week full of busy accomplishment...but time has flown by so damn fast, as usual.

Things have been better recently with Brian. After all the crazyness from before being worked out, we got back on track (more or less). I spent the night Tuesday, stayed in and 'attempted' working on Wednesday, and called him for some help Thursday night.

It's my mom's birthday this weekend, and I needed to go shopping. But I didn't want to go alone, and I wanted to spend some time with Brian, so we arranged to meet after I finished class, and go shopping. It went well, but he was a little hung over from his friend's birthday party on Wednesday night. I got my Mom what I hope is a good present, a set of green mixing bowls, some tea towels, and a spatula from Williams Sonoma. Sounds exciting, doesn't it? But I'm pretty sure she'll like it.

I got to feel semi-intelligent in front of Brian because every idea he threw at me, I got to be very cultured and tell him all about what perfume, lotions, yoga clothing and similar she uses (yes, I know, I'm sooo gay). He was generally impressed at her taste, and why I'm happy about that I don't know, but it hopefully makes me look good too.

We had dinner at some place in the Village, and naturally conversation was slightly gay-centric. It's amazing how many different opinions, beliefs and ideas that each individual has about homosexuality. At one point he was a little drunk, so I took the moment to ask him if he thought I was bisexual. He gave some long-winded answer about having to see me interact with females, and about you can still be straight if you bottom, and its all about the connection, and on and on. I guess like everything, people all have different opinions about what it means to 'be' something.

He spent the night, but was very quiet this morning. He said something about not feeling well, but kept saying he was fine. We went for coffee and a walk in today's beautiful sunshine, then he went on his way to work. I came home, cleaned up a bit, and read some.

Now I'm on my way out for an evening at the pub. So yeah, life's good. I'm still jumpy about Brian, because some of the things that he says could be taken a couple ways. But overall, other than neglecting a huge amount of work I have to do, and not really doing much over the past 5 days but eat and sleep, life's good.

Wednesday, March 7, 2007

Ageism and who I'll do...

So apparently I touched someone's nerve when I wrote about buying my breifs and made some comments about age and sexual appeal.

I had spoke of a man in his 40's who I defined as 'sexually undesirable'. I stand by it. I don't think that anyone who's in his 40's is sexy, nor will I in the next short while.

However, I will readily admit that he might have been attractive to men his age. It's a simple fact that we'll all be having sex past age 30, and it's something people should be proud of. So when I said he was undesireable, it's true; he was to me. I still aknowledge the fact that one day I'll be his age too, but by then I'm sure I'll have grown into the acceptance of playing with guys my own age. Because that was the whole point of the comment...I plan on playing with guys my age, and not too much older.

But when people start thinking that younger should be into older...and have an open mind about age...I get scared.

I've seen the dirty 18-year-old bois tagging along behind the dapper 40-somethings, and it's just plain weird. Sure, girls do it with straight guys all the time, and my feelings are the same. The way it falls is around a 10 year age difference for comfort's sake. If you're 18, you probably shouldn't be sleeping with anyone over age 28, and so on. The rule works backwards too...40-somethings really shouldn't try to pick up 18-year-old high school boys. It's all just kinda gross.

So why do I think it's so weird? Well, for starters, I highly doubt that people who are of that large and age gap are sexually attracted to one another. OK, that's not entirely true...I'm sure when I'm in my 40's I'll be horned up by the sight of a 20-year-old with painted on pants and a Baby-Gap T-Shirt that barely covers his abs. But do you think that young guy is interested in the old dude with thinning hair, weather-beaten skin and sunken eyes?

It's weird because there are so many psychological hangups with people who partake in these relations. It's pretty obvious that the younger one either is looking for the daddy-type figure, or is easily manipulated, or might even be easily manipulating the older guy for money and security. No matter how you cut it, all of those things aren't exactly engaging with a free and clear conscious.

The same could be said for older guys trying for younger guys. It's more forgivible, since they want to have sex with hot boys. But at the same time, why would they think they ever had a chance with them? It falls into the same category: they're either being used and manipulated into giving up money and pampering the younger one, or doing the manipulating in order to satisfy their sexual desires.

So no, I don't necessarily condemn or condone these vast age differences. I'm just saying for me, the situation isn't going to arise. I just don't see myself falling for someone that much older than me, or vice versa.

And I'm not being demeaning to those of you who may enjoy these relationships. For example, Brent Corrigan's boyfriend is much older than Brent is, but by all accounts they are a truely loving and committed couple. I think that's great. So don't get all upset because I don't like to think about 40-year-olds hooking up with the guys in my English class...because like all things, as long as everyone's walking into a situation with eyes open, I guess I really don't have a problem with what goes on behind closed doors.

If you are in a relationship with a large-ish age gap, how did it happen, and how is it different from relationships you've had in the past?

We've all got to go sometime...

Death is a funny thing, something that I never really felt one way or the other about. I've had deaths in the family, been exposed to deaths on TV and in the newspaper, had health scares with people I love...but I've always maintained a fairly positive outlook on life.

I realize that we could all be gone in a moment's notice. Randomly, unknowingly, and certainly unwillingly deceased by simply going to the grocery store, or the bank, or even by doing nothing at all. Our bodies are ticking time bombs it seems, but it's just something I've come to accept and not obsess over.

But it's hard not to take a harder look when another person dies that shouldn't.

In this case, it was a bank teller named Nicole. She worked at the branch in the town where I went to High School, and was a singularily wonderful person. She had the greatest smile, best attitude, and generally healthiest lifestyle of so many people that came and went through the doors. She was 52 when she died last week from lung cancer.

Now, Nicole never smoked. She was an avid cyclist, worked out nearly constantly, and took great care of her body. My mother and her were very friendly on professional terms; it's hard not to be when you've been going to the same bank and the same teller for 20 years. I remember last summer, sitting in Tim Horntons (coffee shop chain) with a friend, and Nicole walking through the door, fully dressed in cycling outfit, with a handsome man with her.

That man was her new boyfriend. After being divorced only a few years before, she'd met her new beau through a fitness contact, and the rest was history. That man had also just married her a few weeks before her death.

I was pretty shook up about Nicole being gone. After all, us youngins are being told to expect to live well into our 80's, if not longer thanks to new medical technologies. But it just seems to happen that these things still occur, that the wrong person drops dead from a disease they never should have had.

When I think about death, I don't dwell on it. But I don't dismiss it, no matter how convenient ignorance might be. I don't want to die, but if my number comes up I guess I don't have much choice. What scares me more is that someone else I know and love might be next, and I'm not ready to loose anyone just quite yet.

We have no choice of who stays and who goes. Sure, our lifestyle dictates some things, but on the overall we don't choose to make ourselves targets. I shudder to think that my friend may be run over on the way to class, or my father drop dead of a heart attack, or my mother's cancer return and spread through her body...

I'm not being morbid here. My point is simple, and probably already well understood by so many people. Cherish life, your friends, your family. Enjoy every second, no matter how mundane or simple it might be. Even if you do this subconsciously, at least tell yourself once a day to remember your dreams and desires for tomorrow. And never let go of your memories.

Goodbye Nicole, where-ever you are.

The up and down...

Well after the whole fiasco on Monday with Brian, I finally did end up having a talk with him, that evening. He said he felt really guilty about not having his phone on him, and that he hoped I wasn't disappointed with him. As it turns out, he had a job interview Monday afternoon that he'd never even mentioned before, so that explained why he was away in the afternoon, and needed to go out in the evening.

Then he told me that our dinner on Sunday wasn't exactly as good as I had anticipated. I was really in a bad mood, according to him, and he didn't really have a good time. But he never said that while I was being an ass at dinner, or before we went to a movie...

Communication is something we really need to work on here. We're both pretty paranoid people, by the sounds of it, and we're always wondering if the other is mad at us. He even went so far as to say that on Sunday night, he thought my "goodbye" was so distant that he'd never see me again. So we really need to work on the honesty/communication thing. Badly.

Yesterday I went out with him late afternoon for a walk and dinner, which lead to going back to his place and hanging out all night. He straightened my hair, which was cute (and it looked really good too), and we look at his yearbooks and he told me his high school story. It was a really good night, that started awkwardly since I was worried he would still be upset, but ended really well with us having a ton of fun with each other.

So I don't know where this leaves us. At the beginning of the night, I felt really awkward and worried that things wouldn't improve. But they did, and we ended up having a good time. We're all good in both our minds.

But then there have been the comments...the idea that maybe he/I aren't ready for a relationship. Maybe that's true, but we're learning and maybe even getting more mature about things...and for the moment I want to hold on because I am having fun (and I feel like I'm allowed to have fun), and because I really do like him.

Monday, March 5, 2007

This can't be healthy...

Brian finally messaged me back.

He'd gone out, without his phone, and left himself logged into MSN. And he's going out again now with his roommate. And he's maybe going to buy a phone, because his battery isn't charging.


At first, I was relieved. Like I had maybe suspected, he'd gone out. But to not have your phone...and then he's now going out with his roommate again, and said he'd be free around 9. All plausable stuff.

But we'd made some very flimsy plans for this afternoon anyway, and whats this going out with roommate and be back at 9 crap?

I can't even believe I'm thinking/writing that.

See, this is me being stupid. Ever since 'the fight' I'm looking for hidden meaning in everything, and feeling generally confused. He says he wants to spend more time with me, and I tell him I'm free today, and he goes out anyway and won't be home until tonight!? This after telling me last night his plans were nothing and more nothing, and that he'd be free.

I'm being stupid. But the other half of me says I'm allowed to be worried.


The 'fight'...

I did something very stupid on Thursday afternoon.

While waiting as hell froze over for my flight, I got into an IM conversation with Brian about what was going on. We were both really off on Wednesday night, and when I left his place Thursday morning there were things I really wanted to say. They also felt like they needed to be said since I was going away for the weekend and would be out of touch.

It started out fine enough, then slid into really awkward online talk, the type where you never know exactly what the other person is saying or meaning. We talked about where we were going, and how committed we felt to each other, and where we were at at that point.

We both agreed that we had reached the point where we were needing to decide if there was going to be a future. He felt that we're still far enough away that we didn't need to commit right away, but that it was something to think about. He said that he didn't honestly know where we were headed, and said a few things that surprised me. Apparently he wants to spend more time together, and do more 'things' together, instead of just hang out. I agreed, but explained that I've been really stretched for the last 2 weeks, and that's why I haven't been wanting to do much other than relax in my off hours.

Then he brought up my closeted status. He said he wouldn't want to out me, or force me out before I was ready, but that being in a relationship was also a 'social thing', and that there would come a time when he'd want me to meet his friends and go out with them together. He said he felt like he had deeper feelings for me than I do for him (which may be true), and that he didn't know where I stood on what to do next.

So things went back and forth. I told him I did really like him, that I want to be with him still, but I wasn't sure what our next move would be. It's not that long of a relationship so far, and I really don't know what I would want to change. The last few weeks have been such a blur that I don't even know how much time we've spent together. Finally, it looked like my flight was going to move, so I said I was going to call him and finish it in person.

I dialed, and waited as it rang and rang. I hung up, dialed again, and he didn't answer. By now I was feeling really queasy, and I went back online and asked why he wasn't picking up. His cell was charging, he said, and that it was I asked for his landline, to which he responded by going offline.

Fuck. I've really done it now.

I wrote a quick e-mail telling him how it was a shitty way to end a conversation, that I still really care for him and want to spend more time with him, and how big of a jerk I felt for doing that online, and how I was on the verge of tears because I didn't want that to be goodbye.

My gut felt awful for the next hour. I texted him simply "I'm sorry.", and he finally replied an hour later. "We're good don't worry have a good weekend."

On Friday I checked my e-mail, and he had replied to my message. He said it was his fault too, and that things were OK and he'd see me when I got home. I felt much better about it, since he had a)responded and b)not told me to go fuck myself.

Sunday night he came over, we sat on my bed and I told him I'm sorry in person. He said it wasn't a really big deal (but he never made eye contact during that part) and that it was fine. We lied down and snuggled while I told him about my weekend, then we went to dinner and a movie. He seemed in a good mood the entire evening, and I was relieved that we were fine.

We didn't go home together. I went home to my bed, and he to his. I asked him what he was doing today (since he has Mondays off) and he said nothing, to call him. I was busy until 4 p.m. and called him then...only for him not to answer. I went online, he was set to away, so I messaged him...only for him not to answer. Then he went 'online'...and I messaged him again, but he never replied. He's now sitting on 'away' again, and I really don't know what to do.

I'm starting to see shadows lurking around every corner, that every little thing means disaster. Why didn't he call me back? Why isn't he replying to my messages? Is he mad at me, or not interested in seeing me today, or...what?

This is exactly what I didn't want to happen in my life. All this bullshit and misconception and worrying about things like missed phone calls...but after Thursday night I feel like I can't take anything at face value anymore.

Home again...

Another great weekend has gone by. Though it took one hell of a lot to get there, I finally made it to Ottawa on Friday about 1:30.

My friends had called off the search party, thinking I was still stuck in Toronto, so I resigned myself to the fact I would have to get a hotel room for the night. After a few calls, I started to worry, since every hotel I talked to was full. It seems like everyone was either laid over in Ottawa or diverted there because of the storm.

While waiting in line for a cab, I started talking to the woman beside me, and eventually there were 5 of us piling into a van heading for the hotel. It made the ride a lot cheaper, we ended up paying $5 each to get halfway across town. Standing at the desk, the woman who had shared a cab with us started talking to me.

"How would you feel about sharing a room?" she said. She wanted to keep her costs down, and figured it would be easiest to share with someone. I was a little surprised at first, considering that we live in 2007 and are taught to fear everyone who we don't know. But she was friendly, and had her 8-year-old son with her, so I agreed. We ended up in a suite (since all they had left was single-bed rooms, but they gave us the suite at the same rate) and we started talking.

It turned out she was a teacher from north of Winnipeg, Manitoba and was headed for Toronto, only to be diverted to Ottawa. It was funny, since her son's name was also Steve. He actually reminded me a lot of what I might have been like 'back then'. After talking until 3 a.m. it was apparent she wanted the bedroom, so I slid into the pullout couch and instantly fell asleep.

The next morning, we had breakfast together before going out seperate ways. I was amazed at how this total stranger left her son at the table with me, while she went to the washroom and to speak to the front desk. It was refreshing to see that people aren't paranoid, that part of the innocence of human interaction is still alive today. We checked out, I jumped into a cab, and headed for my friends.

Laura was already there, and Ashley (our host for the weekend) had class, so we went to her Social Deviance lecture. It was taught by a very interesting man who called everyone "man" and complimented all rock-related clothing. He was really interesting, and a little more of an engaged speaker than I'm used to.

After that, we hung out with a bunch of people from Ashley's floor, and then got ready to go out. We had dinner at a very disappointing Diner in the Market district. I loved the Market, it literally was full of great-looking resturants and stores. As we walked to dinner, I started to realize that every guy inside the stores looked gay. I shrugged it off, because I thought I was being paranoid and thinking there are gays lurking in every store on the planet.

As it turns out, Brian grew up in Ottawa, and I was indeed in the middle of their gay village.

We saw a play after dinner, and headed back to residence. Once inside, it was just the three of us, myself, Laura and Ashley. Ashley pulled out a joint, and suggested we smoke to put us in a more relaxed mood. So we cracked the window, and puffed away, blowing into the outdoors.

Five minutes after we finished, Rez Security was knocking at her suite door. We sat stalk still, but they entered anyway. They went door to door, finally landing on us.

Apparently someone had called security because they smelled someone smoking, so Ashley did some pretty fast thinking (for her condition) and told them we had just come in from some popular smoking place off-campus, and we were very sorry to smell so bad, and that we'd open a window. The guy looked at us all, didn't say much, and agreed that we should open the window. After he left, we all collapsed of terror. But we must have been believeable because they never came back...

Saturday was late breakfast, then shopping/coffee/walking/etc. We made dinner with homemade pasta sauce (yum!) and again got ready to go out. Ashley had invited a few people, and we all pre-drank in her suite before heading downtown to some bar. One of the guests was Jess, who also came to the play. Jess and I had an amazing evening when I visited last year, which was shocking to me since I never meet girls. She and I had so much in common, and we talked the entire night we met. Nothing ever came of it afterwards, but I looked forward to seeing her again this year.

And as it happened, Saturday night was spent with her and I sitting at the end of our table, totally engrossed in conversation. We talked about art, and school, and future plans...and I felt myself feeling the same way as the last year. We are so compatible in so many ways, plus she's such a one-of-a-kind person. She's got class and style like nobody's business, but isn't showey or flashy. She's just so unique, I wish that things were different (such as geography) because I could see us together. But nothing happened, don't worry, it was all conversation and on the up-and-up.

That night, everyone but me was sick, which was funny but frightening for me...considering I drank as much as everyone else and wasn't hurling my guts out, I don't know if I should be proud or worried. Sunday morning was an early one, since Laura wanted to get back to Toronto by late afternoon. So we said our goodbyes around 10 and headed for the bus station.

I had planned on coming out to Ashley this trip, because I never see her, and she's one of the next logical people to come out to. But I didn't want to on Saturday morning, for fear of throwing her off so badly that it would ruin the rest of the weekend. I was going to be very sneaky and tell her while Laura was showering, so we'd have 10 minutes of privacy. Sunday morning was not an opportune time to say anything, since Ashley was really, really hung over, and I didn't want to blurt out what I was going to with her being so sick.

A funny thing was said, though, which makes me think it's not going to be as big of a surprise as it might have been. Another mutual friend, Michael, texted me on Saturday while we were making dinner, asking if I was going to a concert with him. Naturally, someone asked, "Who's that?". I said I didn't know why he was texting, but that I had a secret, "Michael and I have been secretly seeing each other for 2 years."

Of course, they knew it was a joke, but Laura said in a very suspicious voice, "Well that wouldn't really be a surprise." It was a natural lead-in to tell them both...but I don't think I'm ready for Laura to know yet. She'd be accepting, but I don't know about her initial reaction. Plus, she would have to tell her sister, who in turn would have to tell her boyfriend...and it would get out of hand very quickly.

Overall it was a very fun weekend, spent in good company. But I was really glad to be home last night, and to get to sleep in my own bed instead of on the floor...

Thursday, March 1, 2007

My weekend starts with not a bang, but a whimper...


Snow everywhere! I love snow, it's so beautiful as I look out the window, staring at the plane in front of me, I'm overwhelmed with blinding rage...

See, the plan was to fly to Ottawa tonight at 8, so I could be good and go to all my classes today. But wouldn't you know it, nothing goes according to plan. I was shoved to the 4 p.m. flight, since my later one was cancelled. Now I'm waiting in Porter's passenger lounge, which conveniently has terminals and internet access.

I don't know why I even bother trying to plan ahead, because if there's one life lesson I know, it's that plans often change unexpectedly. My family always plans vacations to the last detail, but nothing ever works out as it should. I guess I've gotten used to it now, since I rarely ever get away without some messups. But I'm still annoyed...

So the plan is to wait here until this evening, when I'll hopefully be put on a bus, taken to another airport, and then put on a plane. With any luck, I'll be in Ottawa by my original arrival time was supposed to be. But luck isn't exactly on my side today, so I'll have to wait and see.

Either way, you probably won't be hearing from me until after the weekend (again...I'm so sorry! I'll miss you too.) So until then, have a good one, and stay safe if you're in a bad-weather zone!