The 'fight'...

I did something very stupid on Thursday afternoon.

While waiting as hell froze over for my flight, I got into an IM conversation with Brian about what was going on. We were both really off on Wednesday night, and when I left his place Thursday morning there were things I really wanted to say. They also felt like they needed to be said since I was going away for the weekend and would be out of touch.

It started out fine enough, then slid into really awkward online talk, the type where you never know exactly what the other person is saying or meaning. We talked about where we were going, and how committed we felt to each other, and where we were at at that point.

We both agreed that we had reached the point where we were needing to decide if there was going to be a future. He felt that we're still far enough away that we didn't need to commit right away, but that it was something to think about. He said that he didn't honestly know where we were headed, and said a few things that surprised me. Apparently he wants to spend more time together, and do more 'things' together, instead of just hang out. I agreed, but explained that I've been really stretched for the last 2 weeks, and that's why I haven't been wanting to do much other than relax in my off hours.

Then he brought up my closeted status. He said he wouldn't want to out me, or force me out before I was ready, but that being in a relationship was also a 'social thing', and that there would come a time when he'd want me to meet his friends and go out with them together. He said he felt like he had deeper feelings for me than I do for him (which may be true), and that he didn't know where I stood on what to do next.

So things went back and forth. I told him I did really like him, that I want to be with him still, but I wasn't sure what our next move would be. It's not that long of a relationship so far, and I really don't know what I would want to change. The last few weeks have been such a blur that I don't even know how much time we've spent together. Finally, it looked like my flight was going to move, so I said I was going to call him and finish it in person.

I dialed, and waited as it rang and rang. I hung up, dialed again, and he didn't answer. By now I was feeling really queasy, and I went back online and asked why he wasn't picking up. His cell was charging, he said, and that it was off...so I asked for his landline, to which he responded by going offline.

Fuck. I've really done it now.

I wrote a quick e-mail telling him how it was a shitty way to end a conversation, that I still really care for him and want to spend more time with him, and how big of a jerk I felt for doing that online, and how I was on the verge of tears because I didn't want that to be goodbye.

My gut felt awful for the next hour. I texted him simply "I'm sorry.", and he finally replied an hour later. "We're good don't worry have a good weekend."

On Friday I checked my e-mail, and he had replied to my message. He said it was his fault too, and that things were OK and he'd see me when I got home. I felt much better about it, since he had a)responded and b)not told me to go fuck myself.

Sunday night he came over, we sat on my bed and I told him I'm sorry in person. He said it wasn't a really big deal (but he never made eye contact during that part) and that it was fine. We lied down and snuggled while I told him about my weekend, then we went to dinner and a movie. He seemed in a good mood the entire evening, and I was relieved that we were fine.

We didn't go home together. I went home to my bed, and he to his. I asked him what he was doing today (since he has Mondays off) and he said nothing, to call him. I was busy until 4 p.m. and called him then...only for him not to answer. I went online, he was set to away, so I messaged him...only for him not to answer. Then he went 'online'...and I messaged him again, but he never replied. He's now sitting on 'away' again, and I really don't know what to do.

I'm starting to see shadows lurking around every corner, that every little thing means disaster. Why didn't he call me back? Why isn't he replying to my messages? Is he mad at me, or not interested in seeing me today, or...what?

This is exactly what I didn't want to happen in my life. All this bullshit and misconception and worrying about things like missed phone calls...but after Thursday night I feel like I can't take anything at face value anymore.