Snowy days in March...

I've definately hit a new phase in the 'move on with life' thing.

Not like I was super-invested in my relationship, but it was my first in a very long while and it made me happy to have someone. Not that I 'need someone' or am turning into the person who can't be alone for 5 minutes...but everything's nicer when there's someone around.

Since I got up Sunday morning I've been working on an essay. Thankfully I'm almost finished, I've written the damn thing, now I just have to source it. But I'm majorly distracted, like every good student.

Only my distractions aren't typical 'what's on TV' things...I must say I'm the most down about what happened last week right now that I was then. It's the whole alone-ness, and the lack of sex, and the same old self-doubt that was bothering me before.

As I scrolled the dating sites, looking for guys who might be interested in dating, I realized how scary it is again to go out and find someone. I don't even know what happened those weeks ago when I had lined up like 3 dates with guys...I seemed to be on a roll, everything was looking up, and I had a good time. Things went further, and I wound up with Brian, and I guess I just forgot how being single is scary at times.

I could be looking at it as a blessing. I get to run around and have sex with whomever and enjoy life. (Incidentally, this probably won't be happening). But like I was realizing before, my enjoyment is multiplied when I get the satisfaction of being with someone and snuggling afterwards, not just pulling on clothes and going home alone.

And now I think I'm more scared than ever that I won't be able to replicate the results I had before. I want to know that I'll be able to find someone again, and be as happy as so many others seem to be right now. On the same hand, I have to aknowledge that I'm insane if I start asking guys out right now, with me leaving town in a few weeks. But I'm lonely, and I'll admit it.

All the things I promised myself that I, the rock-steady, stoic, mature 20-year-old that I am, wouldn't let bother me.

Plus this weather is just plain shit. I want spring sunshine, and no more snow. And I've got deadlines that I'm about to burn an ulcer into my stomach over. And life right now is just a pain in the ass.

I think I'm going to do a Starbucks run, then more work...even though I have no drive to do it. But I guess it beats sitting around worrying that I'll never get a date again...