Why does it feel this way...

I just got dumped.

Online too. We did everything that equaled important relationship conversation online.

We started talking, as usual, about good things. Then it segued into him saying that he was thinking a lot today while at the gym, about me and things I've said and other stuff. So naturally I asked what he was thinking about me.

Well, it turns out that he's been "beating himself up every day, and needs to stop lying to himself that we'll work out" since I'm leaving Toronto after school ends and he's staying here. It was all very hurtful sounding comments that really weren't swipes against me as a person, just the fact that he's in such a quandry about seeing me when he thinks there can be no future.

They were hurtful because instead of saying "I've had such a good time but I need to stop lying to myself because you're leaving and it won't work long-distance" he said things that never told me if he enjoyed our time or not. Near the end I asked since he was so conscious of the future did he enjoy any of the present, to which he was very offended and promptly ended the conversation.

I guess I'm shellshocked right now. I don't know how to feel. Of course, I'm hurt. We had a good thing going, a really wonderful start. But things have been weird lately, I guess because he's been so obsessed with the future that he'd thought this through long before it was an issue for me.

Truthfully, when April came I was going to say "see you in September" and hope that he wasn't hurt. But he said that in 5 weeks "he could wind up REALLY hurt" and then said that we shouldn't be together anymore. It's funny that I was the one who thought I would have to bring this up and confess that I had no plans to do a long distance relationship from April until September.

I don't really mind that we're not going to be going out anymore. It was getting clear that I wasn't seeing a future beyond the end of term, and that I wasn't growing the deep attachment that I thought I should have felt. But it still hurts me somewhere inside, because I also did like him and thought we were having a good time together. That's what hurts the most right now, the fact that he never stressed how we had fun, it was all just about him looking for an LTR and how he needs to stop lying to himself before he winds up really hurt.

I also hope that he is hurting a little tonight too. Not in a sadistic way, I never wanted to cause him hurt, but in a way that he realizes how much fun he had (and how awesome I am) and that now instead of dealing with the hurt in April when he could have had a few more fun weeks, he decided to end things early.

Why did he have to do that? We both knew I wasn't going to be here, so why not just keep going until the last second? Why does he have to end it at an illogical point, when the logical ending would be in April? And am I being unfair to him by wishing that he'd just deal with it then instead of now?

Whatever the case, I now have a long email to write tomorrow saying that I hope he doesn't think I was minimalizing his feelings, and that I'm going to miss him.