Since I have nothing noteworthy to report from today (since St.Patty's drinking doesn't happen until tonight), I thought I'd put up my recent e-mail correspondance with Brian. He texted me this afternoon a "Happy St. Patricks", and I decided to finally sit down and write the message:
(Steve to Brian)
Hey, I just got your text a few minutes ago. So I thought I'd sit down now and write this out, after I've had a few days to process stuff.
I'm sorry if I said some things that were offensive the other night. I wasn't trying to be a dick, but I realize now that some things were said very bluntly and probably taken in the worst way possible. The reason I said some of it was because I was more than a little surprised at what was happening. The other reason was the fact that you didn't really pad things you said, which you shouldn't, but I mean to say that you didn't really reassure me that what had happened since February was something you were going to miss. I reacted to that the most because it was the most hurtful part, the fact that you didn't say how it'd been good and that you'd be sorry to see it gone. It was (from my side) just boom, I don't think we should see each other anymore. But maybe I wasn't reading it properly because I wasn't looking at it clearly.
The other thing that I didn't quite understand (and still don't) is why this had to happen at this moment. I guess since we'd never discussed it before, it's not fair for me to look at it that way, I can't be mad at you for doing something we never agreed upon. I mean to say, I was realizing that mid-April things would be over, but I guess I sort of felt there was an unsaid agreement that we'd deal with it later. Obviously I was wrong about that, and that was why I said I was trying to live in the moment because I would have liked to enjoy the next few weeks with you and deal with the hurt later, than be dealing with it when we're both still around. It was a big thing at first, because we're both still here, and available, and I thought we could still really enjoy the last few weeks together. But maybe you've got some other possibilities to explore, I don't know what the case is, it just didn't make sense to me. That would be the other observation that I had about what bothered me the most.
I had a really great time with you, and I hope you know that. It was the most memorable Valentines I've ever had, and I just loved your company and being around you. I don't know if things were going to grow and spark a truly long-term thing, but I felt we were on the right track, and that's something that only time can tell. And I totally agree, it's too early for either of us to try a distance thing over the summer, that was something I'd already thought about too.
I'm trying to think of ways to express how it really was good. I hope that you feel the same way, and that you don't think our time was a waste because it didn't get to amount to a long-term thing. As corny as it sounds I definately felt like things were growing, and it was a great experience. I'm glad that even though it's over, it was a very special part of my year.
Another corny/cliche thing would be the fact that I hope we can actually remain friends. I don't hold any bad feelings for you, I'm not mad at you or any other melodramatic stuff. The reason that we ended is something that I completely understand, my not being here in the summer. (At least for me) it wasn't about anything else, and even though I'm a little upset at the fact it ended sooner than I thought it would, I knew full well that in April things would have to be brought to a close. So I really do hope that we'll still get to see each other and enjoy each other's company, because I don't harbour any ill-will or anything.
I guess that's all I can think of right now. It felt like there was so much more to say, but at this point I think I'd be repeating myself (and giving your editorial skills even more targets lol). But yeah, call me, text me, e-mail me, whatever, I'm here and I hope that we can start a friendship even though bad timing got in the way of our other relationship.
Brian to Steve
hey, thanks for the email , and yes I would like to remain friends. It was a good experience, I ended it sooner rather then later, because as emotions for you were building, I didnt want more to be hurt in the end.. so yes, thats how i feel, its aweful that its over, but good because maybe we can have a sustaining friendship instead! Id love to get together with you sometime and have drinks or food or something.. im sure you are super busy tonight, but im not.. haha.. so let me know.. anyway ... give me a shout, anytime
Steve to Brian
Just to clarify (now that I'm nitpicking) when you say "as emotions for you were building, I didnt want more to be hurt in the end" were there no emotions building for you? I mean just the way you phrase that, I'm a little worried that you weren't as interested in me as maybe I thought you were...
Sorry for being so nitpicky but at this point what the hell, right?
Otherwise I'm glad we're both on the same page with the friendship thing and hopefully next week (but maybe not 'till the one after) we can do something.
Brian to Steve
i ment I already had alot of emotion for you... sorry bad phrasing.. and more was building up.. thats all
anyway .. good luck with next week then.. i know how school can be rather busy ;)
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