I love how things always find a way to work out. Even when it's something mundane, that you don't really put a lot of thought into, the Master Plan seems to make things fall into place.
I was musing earlier today about what topics to blog about. In all honesty, I've felt like I've drifted away from the original purpose of my blog, which was exploring the different facets of my new bisexual life. But when I tried to think of things that were bothering me...I couldn't. Not like there isn't lots about how lost I feel, even after beginning my journey in January. But I didn't have a specific problem about which I wanted to vent or explore.
Then last tonight, like so many other nights, I was inspired by what I saw.
Groups of guys, all different ages, all headed out for a night of dancing and...whatever happens after dancing. Oh, and I'm quite sure they weren't going to meet their girlfriends at the club...
So this isn't a particularily strange sight, especially on a Friday night. But seeing them in the flesh made me feel a little shitty. I've managed to repress the fact that there are guys leading the fabulous life that only I get to read about...and seeing them in person is a little shocking. It's as if you're meeting a character from a novel, you know they shouldn't exist, they don't in the confines of your reality, yet here they stand.
I was instantly reminded about my feelings about 'fitting in'. I realized how different I felt from the guys walking directly past me, how I felt ugly, unstyled, alone and clearly not knowledgeable of the scene. There I was walking home, my hair doing all sorts of insane things after a day in the wind, not dressed particularily chic, and headed home from a mundane night at the pub, when there were well-groomed polished guys headed out for an evening of fun and friskiness. About the only thing we had in common was the cigarette stuck between my fingers.
And it's not just about appearence. It's the fact that I'm walking home alone while these groups of eligble guys are headed out to party at clubs. It's the fact they have what I sometimes vainly wish for and wonder if I'll ever have.
The biggest mystery I have yet to unravel about my coming out is where I'll fit into the gay community. And I have no idea how that'll go down. I mean, I'm terrified because I don't stand in front of the mirror for an hour before going outside, let alone spend three hours getting ready to go out at night. I have pretty much no self confidence about how I look at the best of times. Because as we all know, its all about the looks. Even guys who aren't the hottest do wonders in front of the mirror and with their clothes. After all, it's a package deal.
So on my walk home, I was faced with my reality. For all the daydreaming and wondering and hopeful thoughts of the past weeks, I realized I'm no farther ahead in that department. I'm so scared that once I'm out in a broader sense, and maybe start making some gay friends, I'm not going to fit in, or be ostricized.
As I said, I don't even know where I want to fit into the Village thing. I know it will never take over my life, that I'll never live inside of it because I'm bi and that I probably won't know the names of club owners and shop keepers. But I also vainly daydream of 'fitting in' with these people. It just doesn't help that I feel worlds apart when actually confronted by them.
3 comments:
I don't fit in with them either. In some ways, I think life would be easier if I did, but that would require me to totally change who I am, change the clothes I wear, the way I act, my attitude towards everything... Which is something I'm not prepared to do, in order to 'fit in' with a group of people and a wider community that I just don't really identify with. If you're happier drinking in a pub with your mates than dancing to sugar-sweet pop music with guys sleazing all over you, then so what? The 'scene' isn't for everyone, and just because you don't feel like you fit in with the sort of people who frequent it, you shouldn't feel bad about it. Last time I was in a gay bar, I was just stood thinking 'Omg, the music hear is absolutely awful, and I feel like I'm surrounded by people who are NOTHING at all like I am'. I mean you make reference to these 'polished guys' who 'spend three hours getting ready to go out at night' and you acknowledge that the scene is all about the way you look - but doesn't that bother you? The fact that it's that shallow? The fact that you're seen not to have any worth unless you look and dress a certain way? So many of the guys are just like clones, same clothes, same hair cut, same mannerisms. And the biggest irony of all is you saying that those guys make you feel ugly and alone - I'd like to bet that a lot of those guys feel pretty ugly and alone a lot of the time as well - sure they might get a lot of attention on the dancefloor, and they might take a new bloke home every weekend to sleep with, but ultimately a lot of those guys are going to end up feeling very lonely...
It sounds as though you're finding your own way in life without the need to fit in with the gay scene - I'd say you should carry on the way you are, there's really no pressure on you to 'be' a certain kind of person.
Take it easy mate.
I agree with the above comment. Be yourself - if you are happy dancing to kylie and madonna then good luck to you. The gay stereotype is very focused on "the scene" but I think that the majority of people who are gay actually live quite normal lives - occasionally venturing out to gay clubs/bars but mostly living how they want to live.
You could get a cool haircut, wear nice clothes but your personality is what makes you - you! Its taken me a while but I think I am coming to terms with my personality, image and the fact that I do not need people's approval to be the way I am. Be yourself, enjoy your pubs, friends, early nights and above all enjoy being you! We always envy what we are not but when we are there would you envy the guys that are doing what you used to do?
Anyway enough rambling. Just a couple of ideas! take care.
oh boys. i dont fit in either. ive yet to find my niche. luckily i have a great gaggle of friends (and family) and i fit perfectly with them.
does anyone ever fit in?
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