Naughty, naughty...

This is a two-poster day, because I can't not put this up.

I came downstairs this morning, suffering from a Turkey hangover. I swear, everything feels fat thanks to that damn bird, and we've still got another family dinner tonight, plus leftovers for the rest of the week...

As usual, I switched my phone on to see if I'd gotten any messages. Moments after it had turned on, my text message noise sounded. Not a curious thing, really.

"1 New Message," read the display, so I pressed read, hoping it was from Danny.

"I miss your cock ;)"

From Brian.

My ears started to hum, and I sat hard on the couch. Could a more random thing have arrived in my mailbox?

I guess I'm just not used to being the centre of such attention. Like I've said before, I haven't got a closet full of Exes, and I'm not used to being the one involved in such situations.

Immediately I texted Matt, who said I'm with Danny now and to ignore it.

Not that I was going to do anything about it...but what do I text back? "Gee, you don't like your boyfriend's cock?" or "Thanks, it's pretty great." Oh, how about, "What the fuck are you sending me this for, I haven't seen you in six months."

This could be either a highly dramatic situation, or a simple flirtation, or a joke. I was just so shocked to have gotten it that I lost all capability of sane thought for the hour afterwards.

It's true enough though. You'd miss it too.

Go figure...

I guess some people get 'back on the horse' faster than others...

The Internet is a powerful, and very useless, tool. It can make fools out of the least likely people, and make fools into the least likely successes. I haven't decided what it's made me yet.

Whilst wasting time online today, I checked out Facebook to see what's new and exciting. As I scrolled down the page, I got quite the surprise: Brian is now listed as "In a relationship".

My first impression was shock. Then the twinge of jealousy, not for him, but for the fact he was now with someone again. I don't know what else followed, but it felt pretty crappy. I can see how people feel, meeting their exes randomly and being introduced to the 'new guy'. It sucks, so I can empathise with you all now. But to have it come across the internet at you?

So I pulled it together, though why I even cared I don't really understand. But after an hour, I was itching to know who the hell this person is. I started digging (thank you Internet).

What I came up with started to bother me even more. Through Brian's myspace, I found this guy who he's now seeing. He's older, cute, very artsy-esque. I then realized that Brian had a blog.

I delved in, reading the recent entries about this new guy, and how he's the "sweetest, funniest, greatest person I've ever met." I started going backwards, closer and closer to the date that things ended between us (for those interested, it was March 14). Shockingly, the mentions of the new guy start only a week and a bit after March 14.

Now I was really getting...I don't even know. Pissed off? Hurt? Upset? In any case, my stomach was starting to go into knots. I went back to entries while we were still seeing each other. And guess what I found.

Nothing.

There is no mention of me. At all. Not even a hint of 'the guy I'm seeing', or even a mention as a friend. No rambling about how great I am. Like I didn't exsist.

I'm still not sure how I feel about it all. After all, at the time I was convinced that he really, really liked me. Everything he did made me think that I was well liked. I'll freely admit, I know I wasn't the 'sunshine on his cloudy days' or anything like that, but dammit I thought he liked me.

Not to mention the fact that, after mildy freaking out over the weekend wondering if I'll ever meet anyone who I'll like/will like me in the next year, I get greeted with all of this information about how happy they are. And it sounds like they're really, really happy. Which is nice, as long as I don't have to hear too many of the happy details.

And holy crap, can you say fast!? I mean he must have met this guy while I was still around, because don't tell me he met him literally the day after things ended, and they're now madly in love. I don't even want to go into how that makes me feel.

This all comes days after I actually had dinner and drinks with Brian. Last Thursday we finally met up, and had a nice evening of chatting and whatnot. It wasn't awkward, or strained. But when we were about to head our seperate ways, we hugged, and I pulled him in close. We stood there for a minute, and did the whole 'take care over the summer' thing. Looking back, I feel like such an idiot. I thought he might have missed me. I wanted to let him know I do miss seeing him. But I probably came off like I still wasn't over it, since he is now "fully off the market" (does that mean he wasn't with me?).

I'm glad I don't have to see him for a few months, because I didn't realize I could get this shaken up about him anymore. It's not like it was heading towards marriage...but it was meaningful. For both of us? At least I thought so...

Boring Monday Blues...

Another fascinating Monday has passed me by.

I didn't sleep last night, rather tossed and turned in an attempt to mimic sleep. This cold that's been following me around since last week refuses to go away, and my body was rebelling against being sleep-deprived and abused. How do actual hardcore partygoers do it?...I mean one night and I'm done.

Today was an essay, pretty much all day. I stepped out for food and tea, and to pick up some over-the-counter medecines, and ended up spending $20 at the drug store. How can this junk cost so much! It probably won't even do anything (except maybe put me in a drug-induced sleep).

Last night Brian texted me asking if I wanted to do something today. Why does this boy have such an issue with picking up the phone and calling me? I texted back this morning saying yes, let me know when and where...and still haven't heard back. Honestly, what the hell!? I'm at the point where I'm almost ready to give up the notion that we're going to pull off this friendship thing, what is his problem!?

I also eagerly awaited the phonecall from the guy I talked to last night, whom I'll name David. So far he came online once, but was set to away, then went offline.

David is Jewish, and tonight is the first night of Passover (Shalom to my Jewish friends). So I'm guessing he's having a big family dinner thing, or doing some other family commitments. I don't want to call him because I don't want to interupt anything...but I also don't want him to think I'm not interested. I'll drop him a quick e-mail later and say hi.

Otherwise, I'm just about ready to go to bed and try to get some real sleep! Enjoy your evenings, friends.

Why am I surprised...

I really need to resolve to be either a positive or negative person, and carry said outlook onto the rest of life.

Wednesday was a craaaaazy day for me. We had a big project presentation in a class that was lots of fun, but took up the entire afternoon. I also got a haircut in the morning that I absoloutely love, probably the happiest I've been with my hair, ever. It's shorter, but still got length, and when you put gunk (the not-so-fancy term for product) into it, I can make it do all sorts of interesting things that actually look quite good.

I was always really self-conscious of my hair covering my forhead, because I have a high forhead...now I'm not going bald, it's always been that way, and that's not even what bothers me. I have a scar left from when I had chicken pox, and I never really wanted anyone to see it.

But now with my amazing new haircut, I had some massive revalation that it doesn't matter, and I now look 10 times better than I have recently. Add to that a new spring jacket, some really great new jeans, new-ish shoes...I looked fucking hot. And the best part...I felt hot.

Today was much similar, only I had to style the hair by myself this morning...which went fine thankfully. I skampered off to class, which proved to be our last (the prof is giving us the last 2 weeks to work on assignments...weird, but whatever). We went out afterwards for a celebratory lunch, then I headed to more class.

I waited paitently by the phone at 8:30, waiting for Brian to call. We planned on dinner around then, whenever he got out of the gym. I was a little nervous about what would happen, but also really excited to see him. I haven't seen him since the day before things ended, and only talked to him once earlier this week online. I mean, going from seeing him once every couple days, and talking pretty much every day, to not speaking was strange, and I do miss him since we got along well.

I was still waiting at 9:15, as I walked the streets near where we were to meet. I called, and got no answer. I called again, and got no answer. I called Lisa and asked her what she thought. She didn't really have an answer...I guess she was trying to be optimistic. I ended up dragging my sorry ass to her place and eating dinner at 10:30 with her watching me. I got a text at 10:20 from him saying that he was just in the changeroom at the gym, and we'd have to reschedual.

My response was, of course, to assume the worst. He'd got cold feet, or he'd wanted to string me along, or maybe play some mind games with me...but no, this didn't sound like him at all. I was letting my disappointment cloud my judgement. But at the same time, I was legitimately pissed off. We'd talked again this afternoon online while I was still in class to confirm the fact we were having dinner at 9 and for him to call me. Then he texts me finally wayyyy later, when he could have easily phoned and said sorry.

When I got home now, I checked to see if he was online. Sure enough, he was, and his screen-name said that he'd gotten back from the gym with his roommate. That explained a little bit...and that was what always scared me when we were going out, his roommate was really phoney, friendly at first but really caloused behind people's backs. I'm afraid that he's influencing Brian to not bother talking to me, why I wouldn't know other than he just doesn't like many people and probably feels protective of him.

Anyway I just felt very small again, after really having a good 2 days, and feeling good, to have it all blow up in my face. All I wanted was to get us into some sort of friendship mode before I go home and don't see him until September, and right now I'm questioning if he's really as committed to it as he said he is.

Inconvenient Death...

A relative whom I haven't seen in 10 years died on Friday.

It didn't throw the family into a panic, nor did anyone really care. She was, after all, in her 90's, had lived a good life, and wasn't exactly everyone's favorite person. I'd harken her to the Aunt from an episode of Frasier, who died the same way, everyone was terrified of her, she criticized everything anyone did and was generally unplesant.

Now, I'm not being disrespectful in the least. Having never really known her I can't put my opinion forward. It's one of those very-far-removed relatives, and as one person put it, "The best type of funeral to go to!"

Yesterday, Mom and I went to the closest mall for her to return something she'd bought. I also wanted to look at suits...after all, it's been a while since I was in my formal-wear and after trying on the jacket I have now (which incedentally fits me like a cardboard box, and looks about as good), I decided it was time to shop for something more fashionable.

We hit up a few stores, but the staff knew little about suits. Hell, I knew more from 5 minutes of reading online than they did. One saleswoman put me in a suit so big I swear someone could have gotten in the jacket with me (not an entirely unplesant image, if I get to choose who that someone is...).

Finally I found a beautiful Calvin Klein suit, grey pinstripe, that fit me amazingly well and looked pretty hot too. I was satisfied, the salesman marked it up for alteration, but dear mother was giving me the "hrmmm" eyes. You all know what I'm talking about. So we stepped outside and did the 'talk about it over coffee' routine. She basically said that it was a frivilous expense, and that I don't ever wear suits or really need one for a 5-minute funeral. I was kind of let down, because why bother going through all the trying on and 3 stores before she tells me this?

Not to mention the fact that she spent $200 on some Nike athletic clothes...she has two weaknesses: clothes and dishes. The dishes are sporratic; she'll start some new set ("Why do we need another set of dishes we don't eat off of?") and go for months with buying only one or two small additions. The clothes are continuous, not that continuous in small-town-bum-fuck-nowhere means she shops on a daily basis...but she's no slouch. She pissed me off a little after saying that since I'd already spent $600 on clothes over the past few months, I really didn't have any budget left for a suit, unless of course I had my own savings for such an item. Right *eye roll*.

The evening was slow. Our weather is finally picking up, and I got to spend about an hour walking around the back yard breathing in the beautiful warm air and enjoying the sunset. I talked with Ashley for 2 hours, doing the counsiling thing for her (with summer fast approaching, she's freaking out about needing to define her and her boyfriend's relationship). It was a great chat, and naturally afterwards she asked me about my love life. I was so tempted to say what had gone on recently, but I don't want to do it over the phone...

Then it was off to online-land, where I bumped into Brian. This would be our first actual messaging conversation. I had planned on seeing him this week, but of course needed to tell him that part, so we started chatting.

He's very aloof online, and it was hard to get a conversation going. When I asked him to dinner Thursday, he seemed interested, but then our talking fell back to near silence, with me practically prying details about his new job and stuff from him. By the end I wondered if he really want's to do this friendship thing, or if he was just saying that to be polite. But he seemed interested before! Ugh...I'll know more on Thursday.

The other thing, he left himself a very, very big out. His answer was something to the effect of "Yeah, that should work fine, call my cell Thursday night and we'll see." So I'm not only unsure if he's going to say yes, but well aware of the fact I'm now second-fiddle to whatever other things he may be invited to that night. Hurray.

Well, I should probably get some sleep before it gets too late. I can't believe I have to go to a funeral, see a bunch of family members I haven't seen forever, and hang out with them looking like I'm wearing a cardboard box. I'm hoping they're not the type to watch what they wear (yes, it's been that long since I've seen them), so maybe I won't stick out like a hobo at the chapel.

An exchange...

Since I have nothing noteworthy to report from today (since St.Patty's drinking doesn't happen until tonight), I thought I'd put up my recent e-mail correspondance with Brian. He texted me this afternoon a "Happy St. Patricks", and I decided to finally sit down and write the message:

(Steve to Brian)
Hey, I just got your text a few minutes ago. So I thought I'd sit down now and write this out, after I've had a few days to process stuff.

I'm sorry if I said some things that were offensive the other night. I wasn't trying to be a dick, but I realize now that some things were said very bluntly and probably taken in the worst way possible. The reason I said some of it was because I was more than a little surprised at what was happening. The other reason was the fact that you didn't really pad things you said, which you shouldn't, but I mean to say that you didn't really reassure me that what had happened since February was something you were going to miss. I reacted to that the most because it was the most hurtful part, the fact that you didn't say how it'd been good and that you'd be sorry to see it gone. It was (from my side) just boom, I don't think we should see each other anymore. But maybe I wasn't reading it properly because I wasn't looking at it clearly.

The other thing that I didn't quite understand (and still don't) is why this had to happen at this moment. I guess since we'd never discussed it before, it's not fair for me to look at it that way, I can't be mad at you for doing something we never agreed upon. I mean to say, I was realizing that mid-April things would be over, but I guess I sort of felt there was an unsaid agreement that we'd deal with it later. Obviously I was wrong about that, and that was why I said I was trying to live in the moment because I would have liked to enjoy the next few weeks with you and deal with the hurt later, than be dealing with it when we're both still around. It was a big thing at first, because we're both still here, and available, and I thought we could still really enjoy the last few weeks together. But maybe you've got some other possibilities to explore, I don't know what the case is, it just didn't make sense to me. That would be the other observation that I had about what bothered me the most.

I had a really great time with you, and I hope you know that. It was the most memorable Valentines I've ever had, and I just loved your company and being around you. I don't know if things were going to grow and spark a truly long-term thing, but I felt we were on the right track, and that's something that only time can tell. And I totally agree, it's too early for either of us to try a distance thing over the summer, that was something I'd already thought about too.

I'm trying to think of ways to express how it really was good. I hope that you feel the same way, and that you don't think our time was a waste because it didn't get to amount to a long-term thing. As corny as it sounds I definately felt like things were growing, and it was a great experience. I'm glad that even though it's over, it was a very special part of my year.

Another corny/cliche thing would be the fact that I hope we can actually remain friends. I don't hold any bad feelings for you, I'm not mad at you or any other melodramatic stuff. The reason that we ended is something that I completely understand, my not being here in the summer. (At least for me) it wasn't about anything else, and even though I'm a little upset at the fact it ended sooner than I thought it would, I knew full well that in April things would have to be brought to a close. So I really do hope that we'll still get to see each other and enjoy each other's company, because I don't harbour any ill-will or anything.

I guess that's all I can think of right now. It felt like there was so much more to say, but at this point I think I'd be repeating myself (and giving your editorial skills even more targets lol). But yeah, call me, text me, e-mail me, whatever, I'm here and I hope that we can start a friendship even though bad timing got in the way of our other relationship.

Brian to Steve
hey, thanks for the email , and yes I would like to remain friends. It was a good experience, I ended it sooner rather then later, because as emotions for you were building, I didnt want more to be hurt in the end.. so yes, thats how i feel, its aweful that its over, but good because maybe we can have a sustaining friendship instead! Id love to get together with you sometime and have drinks or food or something.. im sure you are super busy tonight, but im not.. haha.. so let me know.. anyway ... give me a shout, anytime

Steve to Brian
Just to clarify (now that I'm nitpicking) when you say "as emotions for you were building, I didnt want more to be hurt in the end" were there no emotions building for you? I mean just the way you phrase that, I'm a little worried that you weren't as interested in me as maybe I thought you were...

Sorry for being so nitpicky but at this point what the hell, right?

Otherwise I'm glad we're both on the same page with the friendship thing and hopefully next week (but maybe not 'till the one after) we can do something.

Brian to Steve
i ment I already had alot of emotion for you... sorry bad phrasing.. and more was building up.. thats all
anyway .. good luck with next week then.. i know how school can be rather busy ;)

Why does it feel this way...

I just got dumped.

Online too. We did everything that equaled important relationship conversation online.

We started talking, as usual, about good things. Then it segued into him saying that he was thinking a lot today while at the gym, about me and things I've said and other stuff. So naturally I asked what he was thinking about me.

Well, it turns out that he's been "beating himself up every day, and needs to stop lying to himself that we'll work out" since I'm leaving Toronto after school ends and he's staying here. It was all very hurtful sounding comments that really weren't swipes against me as a person, just the fact that he's in such a quandry about seeing me when he thinks there can be no future.

They were hurtful because instead of saying "I've had such a good time but I need to stop lying to myself because you're leaving and it won't work long-distance" he said things that never told me if he enjoyed our time or not. Near the end I asked since he was so conscious of the future did he enjoy any of the present, to which he was very offended and promptly ended the conversation.

I guess I'm shellshocked right now. I don't know how to feel. Of course, I'm hurt. We had a good thing going, a really wonderful start. But things have been weird lately, I guess because he's been so obsessed with the future that he'd thought this through long before it was an issue for me.

Truthfully, when April came I was going to say "see you in September" and hope that he wasn't hurt. But he said that in 5 weeks "he could wind up REALLY hurt" and then said that we shouldn't be together anymore. It's funny that I was the one who thought I would have to bring this up and confess that I had no plans to do a long distance relationship from April until September.

I don't really mind that we're not going to be going out anymore. It was getting clear that I wasn't seeing a future beyond the end of term, and that I wasn't growing the deep attachment that I thought I should have felt. But it still hurts me somewhere inside, because I also did like him and thought we were having a good time together. That's what hurts the most right now, the fact that he never stressed how we had fun, it was all just about him looking for an LTR and how he needs to stop lying to himself before he winds up really hurt.

I also hope that he is hurting a little tonight too. Not in a sadistic way, I never wanted to cause him hurt, but in a way that he realizes how much fun he had (and how awesome I am) and that now instead of dealing with the hurt in April when he could have had a few more fun weeks, he decided to end things early.

Why did he have to do that? We both knew I wasn't going to be here, so why not just keep going until the last second? Why does he have to end it at an illogical point, when the logical ending would be in April? And am I being unfair to him by wishing that he'd just deal with it then instead of now?

Whatever the case, I now have a long email to write tomorrow saying that I hope he doesn't think I was minimalizing his feelings, and that I'm going to miss him.

There goes another one...

How is it Friday already. How?

It feels like it was just a few hours ago that I got back home from Ottawa, with so much hope for a week full of busy accomplishment...but time has flown by so damn fast, as usual.

Things have been better recently with Brian. After all the crazyness from before being worked out, we got back on track (more or less). I spent the night Tuesday, stayed in and 'attempted' working on Wednesday, and called him for some help Thursday night.

It's my mom's birthday this weekend, and I needed to go shopping. But I didn't want to go alone, and I wanted to spend some time with Brian, so we arranged to meet after I finished class, and go shopping. It went well, but he was a little hung over from his friend's birthday party on Wednesday night. I got my Mom what I hope is a good present, a set of green mixing bowls, some tea towels, and a spatula from Williams Sonoma. Sounds exciting, doesn't it? But I'm pretty sure she'll like it.

I got to feel semi-intelligent in front of Brian because every idea he threw at me, I got to be very cultured and tell him all about what perfume, lotions, yoga clothing and similar she uses (yes, I know, I'm sooo gay). He was generally impressed at her taste, and why I'm happy about that I don't know, but it hopefully makes me look good too.

We had dinner at some place in the Village, and naturally conversation was slightly gay-centric. It's amazing how many different opinions, beliefs and ideas that each individual has about homosexuality. At one point he was a little drunk, so I took the moment to ask him if he thought I was bisexual. He gave some long-winded answer about having to see me interact with females, and about you can still be straight if you bottom, and its all about the connection, and on and on. I guess like everything, people all have different opinions about what it means to 'be' something.

He spent the night, but was very quiet this morning. He said something about not feeling well, but kept saying he was fine. We went for coffee and a walk in today's beautiful sunshine, then he went on his way to work. I came home, cleaned up a bit, and read some.

Now I'm on my way out for an evening at the pub. So yeah, life's good. I'm still jumpy about Brian, because some of the things that he says could be taken a couple ways. But overall, other than neglecting a huge amount of work I have to do, and not really doing much over the past 5 days but eat and sleep, life's good.

The up and down...

Well after the whole fiasco on Monday with Brian, I finally did end up having a talk with him, that evening. He said he felt really guilty about not having his phone on him, and that he hoped I wasn't disappointed with him. As it turns out, he had a job interview Monday afternoon that he'd never even mentioned before, so that explained why he was away in the afternoon, and needed to go out in the evening.

Then he told me that our dinner on Sunday wasn't exactly as good as I had anticipated. I was really in a bad mood, according to him, and he didn't really have a good time. But he never said that while I was being an ass at dinner, or before we went to a movie...

Communication is something we really need to work on here. We're both pretty paranoid people, by the sounds of it, and we're always wondering if the other is mad at us. He even went so far as to say that on Sunday night, he thought my "goodbye" was so distant that he'd never see me again. So we really need to work on the honesty/communication thing. Badly.

Yesterday I went out with him late afternoon for a walk and dinner, which lead to going back to his place and hanging out all night. He straightened my hair, which was cute (and it looked really good too), and we look at his yearbooks and he told me his high school story. It was a really good night, that started awkwardly since I was worried he would still be upset, but ended really well with us having a ton of fun with each other.

So I don't know where this leaves us. At the beginning of the night, I felt really awkward and worried that things wouldn't improve. But they did, and we ended up having a good time. We're all good in both our minds.

But then there have been the comments...the idea that maybe he/I aren't ready for a relationship. Maybe that's true, but we're learning and maybe even getting more mature about things...and for the moment I want to hold on because I am having fun (and I feel like I'm allowed to have fun), and because I really do like him.

This can't be healthy...

Brian finally messaged me back.

He'd gone out, without his phone, and left himself logged into MSN. And he's going out again now with his roommate. And he's maybe going to buy a phone, because his battery isn't charging.

Fuck.

At first, I was relieved. Like I had maybe suspected, he'd gone out. But to not have your phone...and then he's now going out with his roommate again, and said he'd be free around 9. All plausable stuff.

But we'd made some very flimsy plans for this afternoon anyway, and whats this going out with roommate and be back at 9 crap?

I can't even believe I'm thinking/writing that.

See, this is me being stupid. Ever since 'the fight' I'm looking for hidden meaning in everything, and feeling generally confused. He says he wants to spend more time with me, and I tell him I'm free today, and he goes out anyway and won't be home until tonight!? This after telling me last night his plans were nothing and more nothing, and that he'd be free.

I'm being stupid. But the other half of me says I'm allowed to be worried.

Fuck.

The 'fight'...

I did something very stupid on Thursday afternoon.

While waiting as hell froze over for my flight, I got into an IM conversation with Brian about what was going on. We were both really off on Wednesday night, and when I left his place Thursday morning there were things I really wanted to say. They also felt like they needed to be said since I was going away for the weekend and would be out of touch.

It started out fine enough, then slid into really awkward online talk, the type where you never know exactly what the other person is saying or meaning. We talked about where we were going, and how committed we felt to each other, and where we were at at that point.

We both agreed that we had reached the point where we were needing to decide if there was going to be a future. He felt that we're still far enough away that we didn't need to commit right away, but that it was something to think about. He said that he didn't honestly know where we were headed, and said a few things that surprised me. Apparently he wants to spend more time together, and do more 'things' together, instead of just hang out. I agreed, but explained that I've been really stretched for the last 2 weeks, and that's why I haven't been wanting to do much other than relax in my off hours.

Then he brought up my closeted status. He said he wouldn't want to out me, or force me out before I was ready, but that being in a relationship was also a 'social thing', and that there would come a time when he'd want me to meet his friends and go out with them together. He said he felt like he had deeper feelings for me than I do for him (which may be true), and that he didn't know where I stood on what to do next.

So things went back and forth. I told him I did really like him, that I want to be with him still, but I wasn't sure what our next move would be. It's not that long of a relationship so far, and I really don't know what I would want to change. The last few weeks have been such a blur that I don't even know how much time we've spent together. Finally, it looked like my flight was going to move, so I said I was going to call him and finish it in person.

I dialed, and waited as it rang and rang. I hung up, dialed again, and he didn't answer. By now I was feeling really queasy, and I went back online and asked why he wasn't picking up. His cell was charging, he said, and that it was off...so I asked for his landline, to which he responded by going offline.

Fuck. I've really done it now.

I wrote a quick e-mail telling him how it was a shitty way to end a conversation, that I still really care for him and want to spend more time with him, and how big of a jerk I felt for doing that online, and how I was on the verge of tears because I didn't want that to be goodbye.

My gut felt awful for the next hour. I texted him simply "I'm sorry.", and he finally replied an hour later. "We're good don't worry have a good weekend."

On Friday I checked my e-mail, and he had replied to my message. He said it was his fault too, and that things were OK and he'd see me when I got home. I felt much better about it, since he had a)responded and b)not told me to go fuck myself.

Sunday night he came over, we sat on my bed and I told him I'm sorry in person. He said it wasn't a really big deal (but he never made eye contact during that part) and that it was fine. We lied down and snuggled while I told him about my weekend, then we went to dinner and a movie. He seemed in a good mood the entire evening, and I was relieved that we were fine.

We didn't go home together. I went home to my bed, and he to his. I asked him what he was doing today (since he has Mondays off) and he said nothing, to call him. I was busy until 4 p.m. and called him then...only for him not to answer. I went online, he was set to away, so I messaged him...only for him not to answer. Then he went 'online'...and I messaged him again, but he never replied. He's now sitting on 'away' again, and I really don't know what to do.

I'm starting to see shadows lurking around every corner, that every little thing means disaster. Why didn't he call me back? Why isn't he replying to my messages? Is he mad at me, or not interested in seeing me today, or...what?

This is exactly what I didn't want to happen in my life. All this bullshit and misconception and worrying about things like missed phone calls...but after Thursday night I feel like I can't take anything at face value anymore.

Another weekend is behind me...

Life goes in crazy bursts. For days I was busy, running around Toronto with friends, shopping, watching movies, doing touristy stuff…and for the past few days I’ve been doing nothing.

Having gone home to small-town-bum-fuck-nowhere for the last few days of reading week, I didn’t make any big plans. I didn’t want to, really, because I needed to have some rest and relaxation, and maybe do some homework considering I’m on a study break. And that’s been the case, not a lot has gone on. My grandparents came to visit yesterday, so we did the whole ‘family day’ thing, which I always love, except when they tell the same stories they told you last time…

I’m also getting a little stressed about school. This semester has been bizarre, I have less class than last semester, due to the fact I’m taking only 'required courses' except for one elective. But the required courses aren’t like normal ones, I don’t have to go to lectures, then write an essay, then do an exam. I have to hand in assignments on a much more regular basis, and do lots of different types of research, and unfortunately, group assignments.

I don’t even know why I’m worrying about school. I’m smart and good at it. But I'm an inherent worrier, and as much as I try to adopt the attitude of the brash University student, who says "Fuck you work!" I never am able to. I don't worry about work until I procrastonate (another University talent) to the point where I start to feel a huge amount of pressure. Even though I know I'll be able to pull everything off, and do well at it, and make excellent points, I still get worried for some reason. Ugh, stupid personality!

But tonight I'm putting it all again behind me. I'm back in Toronto, Brian is back, and we've made plans to hang out. We both miss each other, with him actually verbalizing "I miss you a lot and can't wait to see you" and me asking him what he's doing tonight. Honestly, I'm getting scared. I don't know why, because this is exactly what I fucking want. Someone who I miss, who misses me, and who I can't wait to see again. But dammit, I don't want to move things too quickly, to make things between us too comfortable, because I don't want to end up hurting him (or being hurt myself) if I decide that there's someone else I'm more interested in.

Maybe I'll broach the issue of what exactly we are. I say we're dating, becuase that's what it is really, we haven't done any of the 'couply stuff', and it hasn't remotely been long enough for us to develop any feelings for each other. I think. But then I don't really know about all this...

See, in High School I never really did the dating thing. Not by choice, of course, but because I was never interested in anyone, or there was nobody interested in me. So I went through so many years lonely. Then there was Laura, whose relationhip I already described. There was someone else this summer, but we weren't 'dating' per se, we just spent almost every weekend together and often spent the night with each other.

So I don't know how responisble, mature adults date. Is there a guideline? Are you supposed to go out/spend time with X, then repeat with Y and Z, then 'choose' which one you want to be your boyfriend? Am I allowed to be all Highschool-esque with Brian, and still see other people?

The bottom line is, since Brian isn't playing the field, I don't want to be a bastard and hurt him because I don't know what I'm doing.

Reading week (part 1)...

The next morning, Sunday, I had promised to call Brian about going to brunch. I did, feeling pretty confident that I could allow my two worlds to collide, even if it was just for a few hours. Also considering the fact that both Kyle and Lisa know about my sexuality, and Lisa knows about Brian, I was pretty sure it’d be fine.

We did the shower thing, and I did some other domestic stuff like cleaning and laundry. Lisa was gone to work, and Kyle was still dozy after sleeping 10 hours. Finally Brian arrived, and I immediately recoiled. Maybe this wasn’t such a good idea…

He was wearing a black shirt, pink tie, black pants, white boots, and some sort of manbag.

Now, I have nothing against guys who are into fashion, they usually look a hell of a lot better than the bums that I know (aka my friends), but I wasn’t prepared for such ‘formal’ ware. And admittedly he did look good. So we did the introductions and I shaved and then started getting dressed.

“Wait…Brian, tell me what to wear.”

He looked at me. “No! Just put on whatever you want to put on.”

I begged him a few minutes for advice, since I can haphazardly make myself presentable but wasn’t feeling particularly ‘on’ that day, but he refused. Finally, he caved, came in, and flipped through my closet. He tut-tutted quietly for a moment, gave a few suggestions, told me to shop for smaller sizes, and left me to get dressed.

We ate at the Churchmouse and Firkin, part of a chain of restaurants that has a location in the Village. This was my first gay brunch, so I was excited and more than a little curious. Would there be men with poodles drinking Cosmos and brandishing diamond-encrusted flatware? Brian chose the Firkin because (as I found out later) he was going for the least gay of the gay brunches, so as not to scare Kyle (since he didn’t know that he was gay).

Upon hitting the upstairs door, we immediately knew the plan had failed miserably. There, sitting at tables throughout the restaurant, were men of varying sizes, all dressed in some form or another of leathers.

As it turned out, we had stumbled on the “third Sunday of every month’s fundraising effort in support of PWA”, which led to some mild hilarity from overheard conversations discussing the finer points of leathers, what the ‘young guys’ are into, and how awkward it is to find some pieces in sizes bigger than Large.

Kyle excused himself, and immediately I started teasing Brian about his choice in brunches. He swore he had no idea about the leather thing, and I believe him. And then he went on about how well Kyle was taking it, since the entire scene was indeed quite gay. He laughed when I told him that he’s gay, and said it made a bit more sense.

After brunch, we caught a movie with Lisa. Staring Ryan Phillipe, some creepy guy, and the ever-brilliant Laura Linney, it was a bit of a letdown…not nearly as twisted or haunting as I had hoped. I love a good psychological/investigative thriller, but this didn’t deliver. We went back to Lisa’s, ate dinner, hung out…it was fun to have everyone together.

Then it came time for goodbyes, and Kyle, Brian and I walked back to my place. I’d invited Brian to stay, if he wanted, and he took me up on the offer. After an episode of Sex and the City, Kyle was off to sleep on the couch, and Brian and I slid under the covers.

In the morning, he made some comments about wondering if I’d miss him this week, since he’s out of town, and said things like “I hope you’re still single when I get back…” It felt a little awkward for me, since I don’t even know what we are, and I don’t even know what I want us to be…but I assured him that I would indeed miss him.

Monday came and went, and I felt Kyle’s eyes on me more and more. It was odd…more unusual, really, since I’m not used to receiving looks from guys before. It’s still a little hard for me to know what they all mean…and I didn’t want to overblow stuff since we had many more days to spend together. So on the elevator ride back to my apartment, I popped the question.

“So, you’ve been on the couch for a few days, would you like to sleep in a bed for a change?”

“Uh, probably. Sounds good.”

As we lay there, eyes adjusting to the darkness, there was some unintelligible muttering from both of us. We would turn to look at each other, then look away, then back…finally I tried the diplomatic route.

“Well, I always find that it’s good to do what you want…I mean, as long as there’s no pressure…and it’s what everyone wants…”

About two seconds went by, then I had flipped on top of him, with his tongue down my throat.

It was actually really unsatisfactory sex. After the usual activities, we came to the “are you top/bottom” discussion. I didn’t understand his answer, but when I said I like it either way, he started rubbing my ass. I took that as a sign.

He was really big, though, which was interesting. Second biggest I’ve seen in my short sample of the men of Toronto, but dammit all he didn’t know how to use it. After finally fingering me enough, he slid himself in, and attempted some crouched-humping-thing, with me doggy-style and him practically standing on the bed. After several thrusts, and a few position changes, we called it quits.
Tuesday Lisa again had work, so we spent the day wandering the city, with me showing him some of my favorite haunts. It had been clear from the day before that he wanted to go to a sex shop, and I was more than willing to be along for the ride. So that afternoon, we wandered into the Stag Shop on Church St., which, may I say, is an excellent store. I’d never been in that one before, and the staff and selection was great.

I’m not the most outgoing, super enthusiastic guy, but as it’s coming to sex, I’m not squeamish. I used to be, a little anyway, especially my first time buying anything from a sex store last year (I’ll tell that story one day). So I was quite happy to walk through the store, pick up packages, feel materials, and chat with the staff. Kyle, on the other hand, looked like a fifth-grader who landed himself in the principal’s office.

When we were in a corner, I whispered to him, “if you want me to leave so you can buy something, or to talk to somebody, I can. I want you to feel comfortable, and not miss buying something because you don’t want me around.”

He felt more reassured after that, and headed over to talk to the clerk about toys for beginner bottoms. I perused some more, constantly going back to an item, Doc Johnson’s Prostate Stimulator. It’s a stick-like object, with a vibrator inside, and two prongs. One hooks on the outside, and presses into the balls, while the other slides into your ass, at an angle to perfectly hit your prostate. This would be something I would be interested in.



After Kyle finished talking to the clerk, I asked about my toy, and got some general information. Apparently, according to the guy, he prefers prostrate stimulators that vibrate, as opposed to others that simply stimulate through contact. I could see his point, and after a quick demo to see if it worked, I was buying my first vibrating friend.

With a couple porn magazines in the pile, Kyle and I walked out and back to my place. He was eager to try out his butt plug, and I was very curious about my prostrate stimulator. I cleaned them both in my washroom before heading into the bedroom and grabbing the bottle of lube.

Lord, grant me sleep (part 3)...

I woke up a little early on Friday morning, feeling a little guilty about being in Brian's bed for the second night in a row, and feeling more than a little tired. I usually get my 8 hours every night, and I can function fine if I miss them for a night...but two nights in a row was a little tough to swing.

As I laid there, I though about everything that'd happened in the past few days. It had been probably the most amazing relationship-type experience I've ever had...we'd gone out, gotten to know each other, spent a Valentines Day together...on one hand, it's great. On the other, things were moving pretty fast, and I don't even know what type of relationship I want. Hell, I don't even know if I like him enough to be with him in a relationship...

The truth is, I don't really know what I want. I decided that I can never allow myself to just be happy, I have to overanalyze everything, worry about things...I even did some worrying in a fung-shuei themed panic; I wish I'd have gone out with my friends this week, but I was acutally finally having the opportunity to be with someone...therefore my energy is never balanced, or some such crap.

There is more to come on the 'what I want' theme, but it's a story I'm saving for the next post.

I dozed off again, and woke up at 10. Brian rolled over, rolled me on top of him, and proceeded to make out with me for a chunk of time. He shifted me forward, my cock pointing directly into his face, and I sat straight upright as he sucked me. He has no blinds, so there I was for anyone to see, and as I glanced out the window I realized other units in his building could probably see in if they were looking...which was kinda hot but kinda not.

I slid back down on top of him, and we proceeded to do some dry humping. He fingered me slowly, then lined himself up rubbing my ass...it was hot. I rolled off of him, and in passing felt my crack, which had become wet with precum. He flipped over, and I slowly rubbed myself around his ass, and finally got some moans out of him.

This has been the first time that I'd wanted to wait to have anal sex. I mean, I like it, and I like him...but I didn't want to with him at that moment. It felt almost too fast, and quite honestly I don't know where he stands on sex issues. He said he doesn't hook up, but then he was fine with being with me, but then he was hesitant at first. So I don't really want to rush him, or put a stress on 'we must have anal sex', because it's something that can wait.

Finally I got dressed, and had terrible bed-head. I didn't bother to shower since I was now running late, so I asked him for some help. He laughed at me, running his fingers through my hair, and told me there wasn't much he can do.

"Oh, but here, take a hat," he said, pulling out a green hat, a touque-esque thing with a rim on it. I've never worn one of these before, and started to protest, but he pulled it on my head, adjusting the bill so it stuck out on 'the angle', and pulled some hair down onto my forhead. I immediately felt goofy, because I have no sense of how I look or how to style myself in these 'hip/cool' clothes. But he said it looked cute (which I can't trust, because everything looks cute on me to him so far), so I got a quick kiss and headed out the door.

In the elevator, I checked myself out. I did indeed, after getting over the initial shock of seeing myself in said hat, look pretty good.

Class and my meeting with a prof went well, and I realized I'd spent a half out feeling stressed that moring for nothing. After it was over, I called Lisa, because I needed an update on her Valentines night. We headed for lunch, which took about 2 hours, and involved both of us getting kinda drunk in celebration of our success in the dating world. It was actually really fun.

While we were at lunch, Jack texted me. He's one of the other dates I'd lined up for the week, but who hadn't been available until now. He agreed to meet for coffee at 4, and said he was free all day but had to be home early for work the next morning.

Lisa then asked the inevitable. "I'm really happy that you're doing the dating thing, but how are you going to choose?"

I looked at her. This was another thing nagging me...Brian and I were already a few steps ahead of the other guys, but its not like it's anything serious yet. So the way it's going to work for now is I go on my dates with the other 2 guys (possibly 3 depending on how Rez-Guy goes), and if it goes well go on a few more and see which I like the most. I doubt I can do the multiple boyfriend thing, and I wouldn't want to, so at some point I'm going to have to choose. But that's a little in the future.

At 4 I met up with Jack, who gave me a semi the moment I saw him. He's tall and slender, with well defined features and a certain 'air' around him. As we talked, I found out he's also sweet, kind, very intelligent and passionate about politics, like me. This was all good. He works a pretty crazy job where he's never actually in town, and never spends his vacation time here, so I don't really know how things would work out between us...but that's something to worry about in the future.

It was a fun conversation that lasted until after 6, when he suggested that he needed to go shopping for a swimsuit for his vacation next week. I figured he wouldn't want me along...or he would want to show off in front of me. So we went shopping, finally winding up in lululemmon athletic wear. He grabbed 2 board shorts, and headed to the changeroom. He stepped out first in the green pair (sadly still wearing his shirt...but who would take their shirt off to try on a pair of shorts?) and walked over to me and the mirror. He looked himself up and down, turned around, and pulled them tight across his ass.

"How do they look?" he said, motioning to his ass. They showed his very nice ass just fine, and they looked nice on him. I said so, and he tried on the second pair with the same method. These ones were brown, and looked as nice as the green ones. His ass again looked very nice in them, and that seemed to be the biggest concern for him. He hesitated, since he "doesn't wear green," but ended up buying the green pair.

He walked me to the subway, and stopped. "So what is the custom here, do we shake hands or hug?.." I reached out and wrapped my arms around him. We pulled away, and he stepped a few feet from me, saying that he would be away for a few days but might be back early in the week before he's gone on vacation, and I've got his number, and his e-mail, and to stay in touch to see if he's free. Then he gave me the look.

I'd been scared that he wasn't really interested, because he didn't seem to be making any passes at me, but there, standing on the platform, he gave me the piercing glance that I was afraid wasn't coming. I scampered home all excited and really, really tired.

Friday evening I was invited to a house party from friends at school, and was planning on going, but when I got in the door, I couldn't build up enough strength to go back out again. I really should have, because I never get invited to house parties, but I was dead exhausted. That, and the fact that I didn't really know anybody who was going...which shouldn't stop me and I felt immediately guilty about even thinking...

So I stayed in, ate some Thai food, and chatted to some friends online, and finally collapsed into bed.

Lord, grant me sleep (part 2)...

We woke up Thursday morning pressed against each other. Laying there, the sun coming through his shadeless windows, we snuggled, talked, made out...literally continued our evening into the morning. Finally, I suggested a shower.

Standing under the steaming hot water, we rubbed each other down, washed our hair, and did some more fooling around. He pulled out some vanilla-scented wash, and lathered me up all over. It smelled great, and I turned around to clean him up.

"You don't have to," he said. It's really nice to be selflessly pleausered, but I always feel guilty when someone does something for you that you can easily, and willingly, do for them. So I smiled, and shook my head, and started massaging the body wash in.

We toweled off, and actually got dressed. Both of us had class...but we decided not to go. Hell, I was having too much fun, and I never get to do this stuff! I asked if he wanted to go to breakfast/lunch, and he agreed.

Brian lives in the west side of the city, and about an hour's walk from the core. We walked along side by side, smiling stupidly at each other, the hot sun warming us against the chilly wind. After walking by about a million resturants that I would have loved to eat at (but didn't say so), he suggested walking a little further, to try a place he'd had his eye on. So we kept walking.

Finally we arrived in the area of the resturant, but he couldn't find it. It had a green sign, he said, but damned if we could see it. So we ketp walking, finally reaching our alternate choice at about 2 p.m.

Lunch went by so fast, even though we were there for over an hour. We chatted and laughed and did more smiling at each other. I'm sure we were a vomit-enducing scene, but our very gay waiter didn't give us any funny looks, so we must have been ok.

It was time to go our seperate ways. We hugged breifly on the street, and I immediately felt bad leaving him. He went one way, I went the other...I got home and tried to catch myself up on what had happened since about noon on Wednesday. I could barely keep my eyes open...so I did something I never do. I slid into bed, set my alarm for an hour, and had a nap.

I jolted awake at 6:30 feeling worse than I had when I went to sleep. My mother was in town and we'd made dinner plans, and even though I was exhausted, I headed out to meet her for 7. I grabbed a pint while I waited for her to show up, which she did, about 10 mintues late. We ate, and I was pretty quiet at first. I mean, I would have loved to tell her about my Valentines Day and this guy I'm kinda seeing...but it really wasn't the time or place to come out.

At 8 I was on my second pint and missing Brian. Mom went to the washroom, and I did what I told myself I wouldn't do; I texted him wondering if he was free.

"Why can't I see you on the weekend?" was his response. I felt a little let down, but since we'd just spent a huge chunk of time together, I could understand.

2 seconds later, another text comes. "But you're more than welcome to come here."

Dinner drew to a close, my Mom dropped me off at my place, and I turned around and headed back out. A rough hour later I was in his lobby, then in his room, then on his couch...

At about 12:30, I was getting worried. I had to get the hell going if I wanted to make the last bus. In truth I just wanted to spend the night, but I didn't know how to bring it up. I mentioned about how late it was, and he told me simply that I could stay, he wanted me to. So we hit his bed, which is totally comfortable and bigger than mine. We didn't stay up all night again, mostly because I was falling asleep while we were getting off.

So is this what you do with a guy you're dating?...

Lord, grant me sleep (part 1)...

Well, I've had a great past couple of days. It all went back to Valentines...

I got off the bus way too early, successfully missing my stop and having to walk for what felt like hours in the cold to get to Brian's place. Finally I walked up to the bus shelter where he was waiting for me, and had been for a bit of time. He didn't seem to mind all that much, and we took off for his place.

His apartment, like that of so many students, was semi-dirty, slightly delapidated, and painted multiple, ugly colours. It turned out that Brian had made up a bunch of food for us, and we stood awkwardly in his kitchen as we 'cooked' the frozen pizza and other stuff. I met his roommate Ryan, whom I'll talk about later...I felt a little uncomfortable, since I was on a date, on Valentines, with a boy who goes to my school, and a roommate who does too.

I'd resolved on my way over that, if things turned out like I was expecting them to, I would stop and tell Brian I'm a closeted bisexual and not an out gay guy. We'd never talked about it before...and I didn't want to go to bed with him not telling him the truth. Even though I was terrified about being thrown out...I couldn't live with myself, considering this wasn't some guy who I picked up for sex, this was a guy I've been out on dates with, who might turn into something more.

As the food cooked, I pulled out a heart-shaped box of Lindt chocolates I'd bought for him. He seemed really happy that I'd gotten him something, and he presented me with a card and a box. I opened the card first (because I'm so damn polite) and read it to myself. Underneath the card's contents he'd written:

"I hope you have a great V-Day...stuck with me. =)"

Ahh, self-depricating humour. How I love thee.

Inside the box was a bag of cinnamon hearts, and two 'novelty dice' with some pretty boring yet somehow explicit instructions. Ah ha, you wouldn't be giving these to someone unless you inteded to use them, right?

We ate and watched Sex and the City. After we finished eating we snuggled up, his hand playfully rubbing me in all sorts of places. Then we kissed for the first time. It was really all romantic-like, very much a vomit-enducing scene I'm sure, but hell, I was having the best Valentines day of my life. I got to spend it with someone who I liked, and who had a thing for me.

As the credits rolled on another episode of Sex, I pulled away from his lips and looked down at the floor. I've gotta get better control over myself in these situations...I felt nautious and lightheaded as I tried to form the words.

"There's something I've got to tell you. I'm not out. Just to a few people, and I'm in the process, but I'm not out."

I paused while I waited for the axe to fall.

"Thats ok."

"There's more...I'm actually not gay. I'm bisexual. I hope thats all ok with you..."

"Yeah, I don't care."

What!? He doesn't care?

"Just, I've found that guys usually hate closeted guys, or closeted bisexuals...and..."

"No. It's fine."

Stunned at the fact I didn't have to plead out my case to him, and that I wasn't being escorted from his couch, I moved in for another kiss. Time went by, and somewhere along the line my shirt came off. But when I moved to pull his over his head, he stopped me. After muttering a few things, he resumed kissing me.

Great, now what do I do? I'm sitting here, no shirt on, making out with a guy who refuses to take off his. Do I put mine back on? Do I sit here? Am I being too upfront?...I opted to sit there with no shirt on until I had more information.

We cracked a bottle of wine and dug into some iced cream as we watched another episode. Time seemed to fly by, but stand still as we snuggled and groped on the couch, now fuled by wine (and iced cream, the ultimate aphrodesiac). Finally, we stood up and moved to his bed. Laying there, we lost our clothes, and held each other's newly exposed naked body. He rolled me on top of him, grabbing my cock in the process, and started beating me off. He was surprisingly agressive, but changed his speed constantly. After several position shifts, he leaned his head down my stomach and started going down on me.

This was a surprising turn, considering the fact that a while ago he didn't want to get naked. But now he seemed fully into it, his head bobbing around with abandon. I was pretty impressed with the job he was doing, and pretty soon I was blowing a really big load across my abs and chest. Naturally I started to return the favor, but he stopped me halfway through.

"I cum really easily," he said sheepishly, adding "but I can usually go 5 or 6 times a night." Ahh, quantity, but would it be over quality?

After we were both finished and collapsed into each others arms, we resumed talking. He told me about his past relationships, and how he didn't like to just hook up and have sex with anyone. He only wanted to sleep with someone he knew and liked, not just met an hour ago. I was flattered, and a little scared. Had I pushed myself on him? Did I pressure him into bed with me?

But he looked into my eyes, and in this crazy way he has, made me smile. I asked if everything was all right, and he confirmed that he'd wanted to, it was all fine. He put on the radio to our local jazz station, lit up a few candles, and we laid back and snuggled.

Honestly, I don't remember how many times we got off that night, but it'd be safe to say several. We finally passed out at about 4, but it wasn't long before he'd rolled me over and we were at it again...but I don't usually keep those kinds of hours.

It was the most amazing evening. I got to experience a relationship with a guy from the very start, the first date flirting, and the eventual comfort that takes hold when sitting on the couch, making out and watching TV. I can't believe how amazing it feels to be wanted by someone else, and have it so plainly evident. The flattery hasn't gone to my head, but all of this, and on my typical 'lonely Valentines Day' was a lot to take in.

Could it be...

Ahh...back to civilization. Back to the busy city streets, lights that burn all night, car horns and aeroplanes and being harassed by the homeless.

I had a brilliant weekend up North, doing the whole Canadian cabin-in-the-woods thing with my parents. We played in the snow and had fires and generally enjoyed the Canadian winter, with this being the first time we've gone up yonder to enjoy the outdoors. I didn't get any skiing in sadly, but I've got some plans to go soon with a friend. Skip a day of school, head to a ski hill not too far from the city, and ski my ass off for the day.

While I was away I made several observations about myself. I enjoyed the time with my family immensely, as I always do, but I couldn't help thinking to myself how much sweeter the weekend would have been had I someone to share it with. Sitting in front of the fire, drinking beer and staring out at the frozen lake, throwing snowballs at each other, dinner, swimming in the pool, relaxing in the sauna, climbing into that queen sized bed...

I also can't believe how much I missed my daily writing. It was hard not to think of a million things to say, and resist the urge to pull out a pad of paper and start jotting things down. But I didn't...any my memory is shot tonight, so the big musing of the weekend was about actually wanting someone to share it with.

My time back in the city has also been pretty interesting and unexpected. I arrived home Monday night, tire, resigned to studying for midterms. I had been in the door about half an hour when I started talking to Brian, a guy who I've chatted with on and off for the past few weeks. Our conversations always were a little strained, with me imagining him as some rather uninterested, fabulous guy who was wasting his time talking to me. But it turns out, he's a lot like I am.

We talked about each others weekends, and he admitted that he hadn't done much of anything. I was shocked, considering my pre-fabricated ideas about him. Then, with piles of work over my head, I said the words I can't seem to stop saying, "Would you like to do something tonight?"

An hour and a bit later, I was on a streetcar headed to meet him for dinner. We ate, talked, laughed a lot, smiled coyly at each other, got lost in each others stares, went for drinks after a two hour dinner, and parted awkwardly at the subway station. It was amazing. I had a successful date.

When I got home, I did some last-ditch studying, and headed for bed. But I couldn't bring myself to shut my phone off. I stared at it for a few minutes, so much on my mind. Basically, the evening ended a little too coldly for my liking, and I wanted him to know it. I wanted to give him a passionate kiss on the tracks and leave him wanting more. But there were people all around us, and no matter how gay-friendly Toronto is, I couldn't bring myself to do it in that public of a place.

So there I was, 1:20 a.m., cell in hand. I opted for e-mail instead (so I could shut my phone off and still get his reply). I wrote simply: "I wish I had kissed you at the station."

This morning, when I checked my mail, he had replied a minute after my message. "I wish you had as well."

With a smile on my face, I headed to class. Halfway through, my phone vibrates a sticatto pulse. New text message.

"Hey, I wondered if you wanted to go for coffee after your class?"

At 3 p.m. we met up again, went for coffee, which turned into shopping, which turned into walking around the city, freezing ourselves and our ears in the process. We chatted, did more awkward smiling at each other. And then I asked him.

"What are you doing for Valentines Day."

So now we have plans for tomorrow night, involving iced cream, mini frozen pizzas, Sex and the City and some rather bad wine.

Tonight, while I was hanging out at Lisa's, he called me out of the blue. Just wanting to chat. Asking if I was cold, since it's snowing like crazy tonight. I promised to call him back when I got home.

And I did. We talked for an hour about nothing in particular, he told me he hoped he wasn't boring me to death; I laughed and told him the same thing. We both said about a million times how much we're looking forward to tomorrow night, though never really discussing what tomorrow night will be all about. I said goodnight, since I'm really wiped and need to get some sleep.

Three minues later, my cell vibrates. New text message.

"Am i allowed to say i really like you :)"

Oh God. What am I getting myself into?...