I hate bad days...

And today was one of them. Or at least what I'd classify as a bad day.

It started at 7:11 when my clock rang and woke me from a sleep I had just finally fallen into. I don't usually have trouble sleeping, but some days I just can't stay asleep after 5, leaving me rolling around until I finally fall back to sleep. Normally this doesn't matter, because I don't have to get up at 7 usually...but today I did. I showered half asleep, tried to remember to get dressed properly, and threw myself out the door. But the entire ritual sucked. I just felt sleepy, and waking up alone sucked majorly. I never thought I'd become like this, all through High School and 1st Year I never thought I needed anyone, nor would I get used to anyone being there. This morning it was hard to take, after an evening of being alone, and a horribly grey morning to greet me.

I sat through a 2 hour lecture that really never grabbed my attention, but was looking forward to the end, when Rez Guy would hopefully walk by me and say hi. He did...walked right out the door talking with some girl...and didn't even notice I was there. Me being shy, and him not being alone, I didn't want to run up to him and have a laugh about our situation. So he walked by. I was semi-concerned about how I looked this morning, because I was hoping to see him and give him a good impression of me again, since we haven't met in probably 9 months.

Afterwards, I had lunch with a friend and waited for our class to start. That was a nice point of the day. The next class was only an hour, and was actually interesting. My prof even came over and talked to me for a few minutes (conversationally, not in a bad way)...I felt all special, since I got to sit with a group of friends and be social. Immediately afterwards I had a group project to start working on, which I did...

The first bad thing was that the entire group couldn't meet at the same time. So I started working with 2 other people, then one of them left, then the other went to get supplies...while she was gone, her phone rang, and she got a voicemail. So when we're all back together, she pulls up the voicemail on speakerphone so we can hear our 4th member's message.

"Blah blah blah...meet this address...oh and I don't think we should let Steve do any of the talking because..." She snapped the phone closed, exhaling slowly.

My 2 other groupies looked shocked, so I must have looked pretty pissed. They reassured me that nothing I've done has been bad/wrong, and that the 4th member is being a bitch. But I insisted on hearing the message. Essentially, 4th member felt that I didn't do a good job the last time we were speaking with someone, and decided that she should do the talking from now on, which isn't her job at all.

I know you need thick skin, and I always want to know the truth about what people say about me, but I have to admit I was really hurt. When I criticize people, I always word it so they aren't exactly implicated as being bad at their job, just needing some help or direction. I guess I'm just soft...but it threw me, as we made our way to an undesclosed office building for our meeting, I lost a lot of confidence in what I was about to do.

I'm a natural speaker (apparently). I don't need speeches written down, or elaborate storyboards to wrap my head around something. Give me the facts, and I'll fill in the rest. In High School it was an undiscovered talent, since I never did any public speaking outside the classroom. But in Grade 12, I was asked to give the goodbye message from my grade to the Music Program at our annual spring concert (I'm a band nerd, now the world knows!).

I stood up, and talked. And people all looked and were amazed that timid Steve, who's super-smart but not really all that outgoing, was able to speak so professionally, but still keep it from the heart.

A month later, I was doing it again, this time at graduation. I was nominated for Valedictorian, had no chance of winning, but was the 'Music' representative, with the other nominees sourced from Sports and Student Council. As luck would have it, the elected Valedictorian wasn't in the country at our ceremony, so the nominees were asked to speak about their experiences at school.

I was the second last, if I remember, and wasn't overly scared. The music concert was one thing, they were my friends, but this was the entire grade. I talked about how everyone found their niche at school, and how people of all different interests could still put it aside and live together. It wasn't a ground-shaking speech, but (naturally) it was the best of the four. I got so many compliments that night, and the following week, it was actually a real boost for my self-esteem. Apparently some parent leaned over to my Dad at the end of the speech, and said, "There's the next Prime Minister..." And this guy isn't a loser, he's influential in our Healthcare System.

Anyway...back to today. I was hurt and the most unsure about my abilities that I've been since coming to school. And I shouldn't have been, because the girl is a twit and none of us liked working with her. But why did I let myself get so down!?

Then I texted Brian, since I'm missing him (you know it's been over 24 hours!...its around 36 right now), but I forgot he had to work tonight. So I finally got to come home, only after grabbing comfort food from Harvey's, and feel shitty. I hope Lisa's around tonight because we always hang out with her roomies Tuesday nights...but I haven't talked to her yet, and she's super-stressed about school, and no doubt will need to work tonight.

So I find myself now wanting company to take my mind off of this not so spectacular day. I only have to survive two more (much more intense) days, and I'm off to Ottawa Thursday night. It's almost worse that I've actually started being happy by seeing someone, because now it makes the nights alone even more boring. The lonliness is so much more potent now that I've had a taste of being with someone.