Conversations over Japanese food...

My stomach was rolling most of the late afternoon, and my brain fluctuated back and forth between excitement and dread. I never felt like vomiting until I was in Lisa’s bedroom, door closed, and we had exhausted all useless chat between us. I sat on the top her bed staring at the white cinderblock wall, while she sat at the bottom, staring at me.

We looked at each other, then looked away, then back at each other.

“So, what’s the big ‘private conversation’ we’re supposed to have?”

“Um…well…I told you not to worry, I mean it’s not too horrible.”

That was the point I felt like I wanted to hurl. I could easily have done so, since she had a plastic garbage can right next to my seat.

“I’ve gotta admit, you’ve got me a little freaked out. What’s up?”

A moments pause. Oh God, I can’t believe this is happening.

“I’m bisexual.” I wanted to say more than just ‘bi’, because I didn’t want her to misunderstand me.

“Oh,” she said, and smiled. “Well, we knew you weren’t straight. (Roommate) and I talked about it a couple times, and we both knew there was no way…”

“Excuse me!?”

“Well, you’re too nice. You connect with people, like you worry about them, and if they’re ok, and how they feel. You’re empathetic towards people.”

“SO! Straight guys can’t be nice guys?” Why I even cared about this is beyond me, but I do harbor the belief that each person is capable of being nice, and it not having an impact on their sexuality.

My entire monologue about how I was bi, have been for a while but never done much about it, that I was the same person, and it didn’t matter who I slept with, all flew out the window. She basically was more than good about the entire situation, since her best friend at home is gay, and didn’t bat an eye the entire time, to the point of annoying me that she was just so unaffected by it.

We talked for well over an hour, about who I’d slept with, who else knew, and the big topic of “what I’m going to do with it now.” I told her all about Jamie, and the few other guys I’ve slept with, and about how I’m still confused and have no idea what my next step is going to be.

She asked me about safety, and made sure that I’d been careful about protection. We talked about HIV and meeting people online, which she referred to as ‘the new village matchmaker’, and made me feel less of a goof about poking around online looking for guys.

In the time, I had some self-realizations about my life too. I realized after talking it out with her, that I have no clue what I’m going to do next, how many people I’m going to come out to, if I’ll get involved in the ‘gay scene’…as usual more questions than answers were provided.

She suggested that I take things slow, which I whole-heartedly agreed with (whatever ‘slow’ means at this point), and not to feel pressured into telling everyone. She assured me that probably all our friends wouldn’t really care about it if it ever came up.

Then we talked about my options, about who I could tell, or not tell. Her suggestion was to get a group of gay friends to hang out with, and keep my gay social circle separate from my straight ones. I told her it was a little hard to make gay friends when everyone thinks you’re straight, but she laughed and said I should try to make some anyway.

After our talk, I felt exhausted but very lucky. We went for Japanese, talked more, and she confided that her and her boyfriend were actually sleeping together (something that we’d never discussed before). By the time we said our goodbyes, I felt even closer to her. It was wonderful that we opened up a new dimension of our friendship.

It’s so hard to say right now what my ‘next step’ will be. I know that I like guys, and that I want that to be part of my life, not something that I deny to myself and from my regular life. Talking about coming out to the world brought up the same mixed emotions as it did with Jamie; a large part of me feel’s good enough to just come out and be done with it, but when I think about changing my FaceBook profile to include ‘Men’ as my interests, I feel like I want to vomit and hide in a broomcloset.

Such a big part of me wants to finally embrace this sexuality thing as part of my life, but the hurdle of coming out to everyone seems to be so huge, I don’t know if I can do it. I don’t even know what I’m going to do lifestyle wise, should I embrace the ‘queer community’ and wave rainbow flags, or just try to meet some nice, down-to-earth boys and start dating.

Not to mention the fact I haven’t experienced a relationship in about a million years, let alone one with a guy. It seems like all the other college-aged bloggers had at least experienced a little bit of a relationship with someone special before coming out. I mean, say I came out on Monday to the world. I would have no gay friends/support to go drinking with, have dinner with, etc. etc. I have nobody except Jamie, who I haven’t even talked to in over a week. Everyone else seemed to have some guys they could instantly befriend when they came out. I don’t, and if I came out on Monday I’d be in the same position I am now with straight people; I don’t have a million friends in a healthy casual friendship circle, and I don’t know where to meet people (especially gay guys).

I’m so glad it went well with Lisa, like I knew it would. I now have someone who knows me, and knows my big secret, and I hope that can be a resource I can use while I try and plan my next move.