I got up this morning with my usual horny attitude, sporting morning wood and an itch that needed to be scratched. So naturally I headed to my computer, and started looking for some porn. Some reason or another, I came across a slideshow-video of guys kissing. Nothing gets me off better than seeing hot guys making out, so I played the video.
What I got treated to was someone's compalation of MySpace photos of young guys and their boyfriends kissing. So for about a minute and a half, I got to watch hot 18-year-old guys kissing each other...and of course I started feeling like crap.
I never got to do any of this! I still don't, and now I'm older and nowhere closer than I was when I was 18. Nobody will want an innocent relationship with me, only something that's either physical or 'mature dating' since I'm over the hill of 18-19 years old.
Where do these guys even find boyfriends? I thought that the majority of the United States was still bigoted and despised homosexuality, yet there are highschool boys on MySpace making out with their boyfriends for all the world to see.
Then, my anger broke. I either have convinced myself of this to psychologically trick myself into being alright with it, or I'm actually on to something.
It has never been in the cards for me.
I'm from small-town-bum-fuck-nowhere, where bigotry and intolerance are still very prevalant. My extended family all seem to hate homosexuals, my friends from highschool made fun of 'homos' all the time. I never even knew anyone who was openly gay all through my highschool years, or of anyone in the closet for that matter.
Since I'm a few years older, I also realized that I grew up during the transition time...not that everyone embraces homosexuals now, but there have been tremendous strides in tolerance over the past few years.
So I felt a little better in knowing that I was never given the opportunity (yet) to love and be loved by a guy. It was never in the cards I was delt for all those years. And I justified to myself that I've just never had the chance.
Of course, some of you will say "Screw that, make your own destiny! Go out and find a guy and fuck everyone else!" and I accept that argument. If you want something you usually have to work for it. But in terms of lamenting my lost sexual youth, I've come to some terms with the fact that it was never going to happen in high school anyway. It was just never in the cards.
2 comments:
I'm in high school right now, and I still haven't gotten any either, so I'm just so glad that there are, in fact, older guys who're looking for 'innocent relatioships' too. You're not alone Steve!
I may not be from a shit-kickin', cow-tippin' town, but my life went in a different direction from the start too, and being 24 I look at others my age and younger and wonder why, why, why. It just wasn't in the cards for me.
Instead of being your average 24 year old gay guy, I'm the 24 year old gay guy that works for what he has, protects what he has (and, technically, what others have), and still struggles with the social/romantic aspect of life.
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