Harder, harder...

So how much is too much sex?

I’d gotten sexual histories from some of the guys I’ve talked to online, but some of the guys that I’d talked to were just starting to explore their sexualities. Some had never done anything, others had experiences with ‘friends from high school’, others still had gotten blow jobs or topped a few guys. But until recently, I’d never met anyone who was out and fully active.

If you remember my Valentines Night, I went over to Brian’s place and happened to meet his roommate, Ryan. Ryan is cute, tall, and very scene. He also has a very active sex life, something that Brian didn’t take long in explaining to me, and how they’re so very different in that respect.

In almost everything else, Brian and Ryan are alike. I could tell by the way he talked about him that they generally were very close, and it’s sweet. But then he talked about their ‘roommate drama’…something that I was very interested to hear about.

As it stands, Ryan is very horny all the time (aren’t we all though?). Where some do nothing about it, and others masturbate, Ryan takes a more active approach. On average, he invites at least one ‘friend’ over each night of the week…and he’s usually just met this ‘friend’ an hour before online.

Now, I’m a fan of hookups. Hell, if it weren’t for the internet, I’d still be a basket-case under-sexed chronic masturbator (surprisingly enough, I still jerk off plenty). But this takes hookups to a new level.

Brian told me the story about how one night, one guy was buzzing up from their lobby just as the second guest of the evening was stepping out their front door. Ryan, disheveled from the sex he’d just had, dashed into the bathroom to shower while the second guy was getting let into the building.

At first, I was in awe. ‘This is so cool!’ I thought to myself. This guy is a student in an intense program, maintains a social life, and has a never-ending supply of hot guys coming to have sex with him. Isn’t that everyone’s dream!?

But as the stories kept coming, I became more and more disturbed by the fact that he’s a sexual maniac. Not that his sex life is ultra-kinky or employs dangerous techniques, but he seems to be really sex obsessed. As Brian said, “It’s like his hobby. He comes home from work, goes online, and finds guys to sleep with. Then he does his homework.”

Even still, when I think about him, I get turned on by the idea of having that much sex. He makes life look pretty glamorous. But behind the sexy stories are disturbing ones too.

One day the two of them packed off and went to the clinic to get tested. Brian apparently made the nurse a little amused with the fact that his sexual history is pretty tame. He got his tests done, everything was clear, and was back in the waiting room.

Ryan, on the other hand, was not as clean. He came out smirking, holding bottles of pills and shaking his head from a lecture about sexual safety he’d just received. He hadn’t tested Positive, but had contracted a few common-place STD’s. And apparently this wasn’t the first time.

“But doesn’t it bother him? I mean, he’s a smart guy, he should know a little better about safety,” I’d said, feeling the amazement quickly deflate.

“Oh, you’d think. But he just doesn’t care.”

So where does it all stand with this sex stuff? Thinking about it, I drew a few conclusions.

Hooking up online is still hooking up, no matter how few times you do it. It carries some dangers, the most obvious being the risk of becoming infected with disease. There are of course preventative measures that you should take, and generally you shouldn’t sleep with someone who gives you the creeps or whose integrity you question.

But at the same time, how do you justify the volume of these hookups? On one hand, if you hook up once in a while, isn’t it the same as hooking up every night? You’re still putting yourself on the line, even if it’s a number of times less than every day. On the other, you can justify the fact that you’re picking up, because you really just want to have sex.

Another way of looking at it is in comparison to trying to get picked up at a bar. Each weeknight, guys of all ages head out to local bars. Is it just to dance? For some, yes, it’s about going out with friends, having a good time and getting a little drunk. But for many others, it’s about scouting for Mr.Right-Now.

That too caries the same risks as meeting someone online. But why is it more socially acceptable to ‘go home with someone’ from a club than it is to get picked up online?

And what are we saying overall? That if we didn’t have to worry at all about disease or HIV, we would and could have sex with someone new every day?

Why do we care about frequency so much, and so many partners? The answer is clear, because people like to have sex. But why did I become so fascinated with Ryan’s active sex life, then a little repulsed by it? How many times a week/month/year should you have sex with someone new?

In trying to figure out my sexual identity, I’ve thought a lot about the random sex thing. It’s just something that’s normal for the gay community, and something that I don’t really mind partaking in. Obviously I have my standards; I’m not sleeping with the first person to message me just because I want sex. I look for guys who I think are hot, and always ask about their health. Of course, people can lie, but so far the guy’s I’ve met are pretty standup guys.

I don’t want to hook up with someone new every day, because it takes too much time, energy and often is complicated because I can’t host. Also, it feels excessive.

But why do I want to in the first place? I had to in January because I needed to finally experience sex with a guy. Now is it that I just want to keep on having sex? And why, when I now have Brian to spend a night with, do I still find myself checking out other guys online? Does part of finding out my identity include getting a few guys ‘under my belt’?

There is, after all, the timid small-town side of my personality. I’m from a place where sex isn’t discussed except amongst teenagers, and the idea is you sleep with people who you’re in love with. But there exists the urban side too, that wants to have lots of sex with hot guys, have three-ways or group sex and generally enjoy myself in my sexual prime.

Jamie told me long ago that it’s different for each individual. Some want monogamy with a person they really care for. Others sleep with anyone at any time. There are guys who have the occasional fling, but keep them few and far between. Is it just a media stereotype, perpetuated by the scene, that guys are always hooking up with each other, and that it is in fact encouraged?

In truth, I don’t know where to go from here. But I’d love to know what your sexual modus operendi is. Please, leave an anonymous comment (yes, they are truly anonymous) and let me know what the ‘average guy’ does.