I was more than a little surprised that Jamie was jealous of my having sex with another guy. After all, he had admitted to me that he had slept with multiple, multiple guys over the last few years, and I never had a problem with it. At first I was a little surprised, but as I got more mature about sex, I realized it doesn't matter that you've got an active sex life.
I knew I could never just go to sleep with this e-mail hanging over me, so I responded.
"The thing I want most between us is friendship. You're kinda all I've got in that 'one world' part of me is living in, and I was feeling so good to have someone like you to talk to."
Then, I broached the jealousy subject.
"I'm only going to ask this once, and don't take it the wrong way, but do you have feelings for me? Usually when you're feeling jealous about someone being with someone else, its because you yourself want to be with them...Get back to me asap and let me know if I'm an insulting bastard or if we're good. And lets do something non-sexual this week. You're a special person to me, and I want to keep you close to me (god I'm so corny lol)."
I waited for a response.
The general gist of the response was that even though he sleeps with guys NSA, if he's with the same guy more than once he starts to develop emotions/attachment to him. Not the most flattering response to me, but I understand where he's coming from, since part of our discussion was about him wanting to actually get into a relationship with someone. Then there was some parts about how we couldn't work because he was my first boy, and how I have a long way to go before I'd be ready for a relationship with a guy, and those types of reasons why we couldn't work out.
At that point, I was relieved. Crisis averted. I still had my friend, and we decided that us having sex was probably not a good idea. After all, I didn't have 'feelings' for him...I loved him to death, but then I knew I could never go out with him, since it would just be me psychologically using him as a crutch in my new bisexual life. I felt a little sad I'd lost a sex partner, but also was certain I would get him in bed again soon.
I felt alright about the fact that I had kept our emotional friendship and our sexual friendship seperate in my mind. I didn't identify him as my boyfriend, but my gay friend and also my lover. Things were going to be fine, we'd continue as friends, become even closer, and who knows, maybe we'd be friends for the rest of our lives...
Days later, I got to thinking. He had mentioned before that he doesn't keep the same friends for a long time, that he was a bit of a lone wolf in the sense he moved around a lot...I started getting nervous. I mean, I already had told him I loved him (as a friend) and a large part of me was relying on him being around for years to come. I saw us becoming friends who complained to each other about our love lifes, our lack of sex, our most intimate thoughts...after all, I'd shared such a huge part of me with him and expected that he would do the same.
Then there was the Thursday night incident...him having a 'meeting' and not being able to go out with me. I felt a range of emotions, jealousy, disappointment, fear...was I coming on too strong? Did I scare him off? Does he not like me as much as I like him?...even now my head is spinning with questions. I can't wait to see him again, to give him a hug, ask him how his day was, have dinner with him...but is that Jamie the friend, or Jamie the potential boyfriend that I can't wait to see?
Couple that with the fact I'm so worried about what he thinks of me, how much he likes me, if he thinks I'm coming on too strongly...I really don't know with him. At one point he seems like he's got a list of 500 friends he's alwasy out with. At others he seems like he's alone at times, and would welcome me as a close friend. Maybe I'm just thinking he wants to be close to me because I want to be close to him...ugh I'm stuck in a logic loop.
The next time we see each other, I'm going to have to point-blank as him what he thinks of me.
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