A few nights after the breakup, a gypsy told me that I must not be ready for love.
I hadn't even told her my situation, about just shutting the door on my most successful relationship, about feeling so incredibly alone. She just asked if I had a girlfriend yet, and when I said no, she clicked her tongue and offered an explanation. My heart, or love skills, or whatever, must not be developed.
She's a friend of my grandparents, so when she asked if I had a girlfriend yet, instead of being able to say, "Actually I just got out of something that didn't work," I had to say that I still didn't have a 'woman in my life'.
This woman is really great, one of those people who you love actually seeing...she radiates warmth. But she also is incredibly blunt in that Eastern European way. "Your heart must be closed," she said, since I'm now basically getting a little old to not have been in love. At least, society thinks so. And in retrospect, I have to agree; by 22 I would have thought that love would have graced/made a mess of my life.
The Gypsy made some vague references to what I'm projecting, the energy I'm drawing, and so on...stuff that The Secret is trying to sell to North Americans that people in Eastern Europe have believed for years. To make me feel better, or worse, or at the very least give context she told me a story about an older woman who came to see her one day a few months ago. "My son needs a wife," she said. The setup is classic: a doting Jewish mother wants to set up her single Doctor son, who is without romance.
I don't recall exactly how she put it, but essentially, the guy doesn't really care who this woman is, "Just find him someone to marry."
The Gypsy's take on all of this was that he has spent his life honing his mind, studying, and so on...ignoring his heart. Never 'learning how to love'.
"So sad," she half whispered.
She then more or less told me that she's worried for me, because she wants me to be happy and have a full, well-rounded life. She doesn't want me to ignore my heart, and wind up like the man in her story.
Of course in many ways I cannot identify with this guy. I've been trying to find love for over two years now, and it hasn't gone quite like I'd planned it. In a city full of men, some of whom that are even looking for a relationship all their own, I've struck out, never finding that elusive boyfriend/man I love. But it's not like I've ignored my heart...like I'm not trying to learn to love...right?
Even though I can't see many similarities between me and the single 30-something Jewish doctor, it's pretty scary to be faced with the idea that my heart isn't working properly, that I can't attract love because of some problem on my end. Actually, more like terrified.
Lots of people maintain that nobody will love you until you love yourself. I even had one of my best friends, who flew into town the day before, tell me bluntly that I don't 'love myself'.
"Oh, come on, that's not true!" I argued. I may not think I'm phenomenal, but I don't hate myself.
"Ok, that's exaggerated," she said. "You actually don't, for most of the time. But there are moments..." She too sometimes thinks that I'm not ready for love, because I'm not ready with myself.
But who is? And what is 'ready'?
I guess it's because I've always blamed circumstance, blamed the fact that I haven't met the right person, or that the situation was beyond my control. It's never really felt like I've got a 'closed heart' or that I'm not ready and willing to love and be loved. It's more like God enjoys tempting me with the prospect, then quickly deflects the situation.
In fact, I always have felt that my heart is wide open. I give everyone a shot, try to leave no stone unturned. I admit what I want. I have a feeling in my heart and mind what love looks and acts like; a deep down soul stirring that I've managed not to find.
But having the Gypsy tell me about hearts not being open or ready for love is just plain scary. While I can't see it within myself, what if it's true? Am I really my own problem in all of this? Is my own heart the reason why I can't seem to meet the right guy, and fall in love?
The same friend once drunkenly told me that I also have, "So much love to give," which actually made me cry. As cliche as it is, we apparently both think it's true. I'm ready, willing and able. As far as I think, anyway.
Like most of my problems right now, I don't know how to solve this, if what the Gypsy says is true. I can't see the fix, if indeed my heart is closed and needs opening up. And it's damn scary, to think that what's standing between me and love...is myself.
At the end of the day, I do shrug it all off as Eastern mysticism. The same woman also told me that my liver must be shot because my eyes water easily.
But her story hit on my deep, dark fear of perpetual aloneness. What if I turn into this 30-something doctor? What have I done, or more importantly, not done, to swing the floodgates of love open in my own (young) life?
Maybe some Gypsy tears will help set things right...
4 comments:
I totally feel like that doctor, sounds like my situation. Sigh.
Best of luck! *hugs*
Maybe this is a million miles away from where you are, but your description of your break up with James made me think of a really great book that was helpful to me called "WE: The Psychology of Romantic Love" by Robert A. Johnson. Although based on a "straight" understanding, it still is very helpful.
It retells and comments on the myth of Tristan and Iseult and talks about how we mistakenly project our inner selves (soul) onto the outer world (our mate). Here is a quote:
"A man begins to demand that his wife or girlfriend be the goddess, that she be his soul and bring him constant, ecstatic sense of perfection. Rather than look within himself, where anima [soul] natively dwells, he demands his soul of his external environment; he demands it of his girlfriend. He is usually so busy projecting his inner ideal out onto her that he rarely sees the value and the beauty of the woman who is actually there. And if his projection suddenly evaporates and he is no longer "in love" in the romantic sense, then he finds himself in a terrible conflict. He wants to follow his projection as it flies off and alights on another woman. Here is the terrible conflict of values...suddenly our human loyalties and our soul projections are going in different directions, absolutely at war within the delicate, easily cracked vessel of human relationship."
First of all welcome back.
Secondly I'm sad to hear about James......
Maybe you need to take time just to have a good time and not worry about a b/f. At 22 you're a child. Oh I know you're no longer a "twink", but you're hardly even a man yet.....you've so much time so sit back and relax......he will come when you least expect it.
While I'm really happy that you're back to posting, I'm sorry that it's probably because of what you've just gone through :( Sorry to hear that things haven't gone well.
Perhaps in some way you are responsible due to your own.. perceived inability to love yourself completely. But there are so many factors involved, that I think it's wrong to reduce it to just that.
I don't know about how people need to be 'ready' to be in love. Ready isn't a prerequisite or pre-condition, I think, but something that is achieved.
I was told the same thing by a friend, that I have so much love to give. That someday I will find someone deserving of it. But I think... I forget that I should keep some of it for myself. I guess when all one can think about is having so much love to give, it means that one doesn't know how to use some of that love for one's self. I know I don't know how. Perhaps you, too, are like this :/
Hope you feel better soon. I've missed your postings.
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