Fat...

If you've been a semi-regular here at FU, you probably know that I'm slightly weight-conscious.

Not that you could tell by looking at me as I scarf down chips or order my fourth cocktail, but I've always been sensitive about my size. I'm not 'fat', or overweight for that matter, but I've never really become at peace about my body type. I'm gay-fat - AKA I have more than 5% body fat.

Think football(er), minus the actual intensive working out. Broad shoulders, tall, thick chest. And as I've gotten a little older, I've started to realize that, no matter how small my waist should get, I'll never be a more 'compact' body. My chest will never cave in on itself, shedding it's size such as a waist could.

I have been told if I did put my mind to it, I could have a jock-like body. Since that has never really fit my mindset, I've never really been intent on getting toned up, or sexier still, full-on ripped. The word jock - gay, straight or otherwise - makes me think of all the qualities that I dislike in a man. (Though clearly not you, dear jock readers.)

For my part, I've always maintained my weight based on what I eat. My formal exercise has been practically non-existent, but I'm not a couch potato. While I have actually stuck my head in a gym in recent months, I've yet to see any major impacts on my pecs, quads and delts (I think I may have made that last one up.) I found I actually enjoy using an elliptical provided I've got the tunes to work to. I also found out I sweat like a madman, which is kind of gross.

Would I like that Sean Cody-esque model body? Absolutely. Would I have the foundation for it? Probably. Will I be able to get it? Who knows, maybe if I worked at it.

When I was in high school, I always noticed that my body didn't quite fit in with the rest of the guys my age. Like my personality, my body matured earlier than most. I never got to be a stick-figure twink, and I'm a little sore about it.

The more I've learned about what other guys look for, the more I see that my body might not be so undesirable after all. Granted, once the clothes come off I'll hope the lights are down low. But by then it's too late anyway and they're basically stuck with me.

Not only that, but as corny as it sounds, I really care a lot more about what's inside than what's out. That's probably a source for both discomfort and ease; on one hand I hope the person I'm courting is looking more at my personality than how chiseled my abs are, but I also fully recognize the fact that a portion of the population is primarily vain and driven by looks.

As a new year rolls around, I silently promise myself that this will be the year I take control of my body. Being newly single, I have reason to dedicate a bit more time on how I look.

Now it's just a matter of getting my gay-fat ass in shape.