It's pretty bad when you have to justify to a complete stranger that you are indeed a happy person.
I had struck up a conversation with yet another mid-20's girl who was flirting with me (albeit in a bit of a ye-olde-fashioned way) because I'm trying to be a little more outgoing, networkable and connected. She seemed to be a contact that would ultimately be good to have in my files, so I played along with our friendly chatter.
We then got to talking about the job market (the bane of my existence) and corporate citizenship, where she took the opportunity to gush about her Fortune 500 company's recent win of some type of good deeds award, given by some council I'd never heard of.
Since I always find it difficult to believe that big business actually does do good deeds every now and again, I joking asked her how much the company had paid for their title. My little off the cuff comment didn't go over so well and I found myself being lectured about what a great company her employer is and all the things they do for the benefit of all.
I don't like being mean, and it felt like she was a little hurt by my blunt disregard for her employer. The conversation quickly wrapped up and in the end I apologized for my comment, hoping to smooth over any ruffled feathers.
Her parting words of advice were that I should, "Try and be happier," so that things will be more inclined to go my way.
"Oh, don't worry," I said with an attempted grin. "I'm a happy person."
She looked at me, gave me a shrug and a smile, and walked away.
I felt like I should chase after her and explain in 25 points why I am indeed a happy person. Because, damn it, I am!
Ok, so maybe I'm not ecstatic about life lately, but I wouldn't classify myself as someone who comes across as unhappy. I'm still polite and friendly. I'm also incredibly lost, but I like to think that I keep that to myself, on the inside.
So it struck me as pretty odd that I felt such a compulsion to prove to this woman, a total stranger whom I may never meet again, that I'm happy. But there it was.
Of course, now I'm paranoid that everyone I meet thinks I'm emitting this wave of negativity. And for all I know, I might be. But I don't see it that way.
Because no matter what, on the surface, I'm a fucking happy person.
4 comments:
I've been in this situation so often lately. Just beacuse I don't go out dancing or things like that, just because I don't like parties or going out for lunch with people at work, they all think I'm a bitter bastard and try to "cheer me up" and "get me out of my shell" and stuff...
I don't see things that way, and I am happy!
I used to get that a lot from my friends. I'm not jumping up n down, I must be not having a good time. Pfft, whatever. I'm happy as I am
I felt like I was reading something that I wrote myself... I have the same problem. Difference is, I know that under the polite and friendly veneer, I admit that I really am pretty unhappy.
Also, glad to see you blog semi-regularly again :)
Awww. I seem to emit this sense of self-loathing and exhaustion to everyone but the surgical services (or so it'd seem, otherwise I hope they'd point it out to me!). I hear ya, sometimes it's just one of those days.
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