I felt really weird yesterday.
Lately I've been doing better, feeling calmer and a little more sorted out. Things are looking up once more and while I have several things I would like to be different in my life, overall I really don't have a lot to complain about.
But I've had varying degrees of a strange, clenched, choked feeling. Like all the bullshit I've waded through over the last two years is simmering just below the surface in my subconscious. Like I'm too tightly wound, and for no good reason.
I'm not an angry person. I don't blow off steam by screaming loud enough to shatter crystal. When I drink a bottle of wine, I don't become a blithering, melancholy mess. So why do I get the sensation that I've got some crap bottled up inside that's keeping me from climbing out of a funk?
Yesterday was particularly bad, and for no reason that I could specifically name. By mid-day I was wracked with vague, mild grief. I soldiered through the rest of the day and finally felt more normal when I was cocooned in bed, watching crappy TV while skimming an equally crappy book. It felt like for the better part of the afternoon I had some bizarre voodoo dragging me down; I had no real reason to feel anything but content, yet I couldn't shake the feeling there was some bad energy/karma/whatever floating around me.
I don't really know if I believe the whole karma thing. I've always put good out into the world, never really doing wrong by anyone. But for all my good deeds I can't say that I've reaped what I've sown. If "Violence does indeed recoil up the violent," then the reverse should be true; my noble actions should come back to me in noble ways.
From my observation, the saying, "Nice guys finish last," seems a touch more accurate. But hey, that's not me complaining! If for nothing else than to prevent that negativity from whiplashing back to me...
This morning I did my usual coffee-newspaper-pajamas Sunday morning routine, and I feel quite content. Maybe I just had some bad vibes screwing my day up yesterday. If such things even exist.
I'll just steer clear of black cats, ladders, 13, and any other ridiculous superstitious mumbo-jumbo in an attempt to avoid any bad mogambo that might happen to float my way.
3 comments:
It sounds like you're in a similar position to me in some ways. I'm kind of stuck in limbo at the moment. I've only got a few months left living where I am at the moment, I have no idea what I'll be doing come October, and I have been/will be so busy that there's not even gonna be much time for having fun, or trying to meet boys, or any of that stuff. So I feel like my life's on hold for at least the next 3 months. It sucks, but I'm trying to be positive by planning what I'm going to do when I arrive in the next place I'm going to live - wherever that might be.
When do you get to move back to the big city?
It happens man! I think everybody gets the blues sometimes. I've been like that for a while, with work problems, boyfriend issues, failing a course and whatnot. Feels like I've been stressed and with some knot on my stomach for a while.
I think I'll have to start running or something to blow off some steam.
Cheer up!
One of those, eh? I hear ya though, I get into similar funks now and then. Life isn't fair, but usually it's not terrible either. I just wish something/someone came along . . .
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