The Big Gay Weekend (Part 1)

Well, I didn't sink...

...but I am just a little tired. Not that I'd admit that to anyone, nor would I admit that my hips were fucking killing me Sunday morning. But let me tell you how I got there...

Saturday I had to work (I got a job a while ago, btw...nothing too special or exciting hence not mentioning it really), and as soon as I was off I jumped in the car, picked up James and we were heading for Toronto. For most of the day I was excited...at that point I was excited and getting a little terrified. I mean, here it comes, in a few hours I'll be kicking off what might be a new chapter in my gay life.

We got to my place, I showered, which naturally led to some naked exploits...by the time we were actually ready to grab dinner it was getting on in time. My heart flipped in the elevator, thinking of what lay just a few minutes away, but by then it was more excitement that fear.

From the moment I stepped onto the street, I could tell things were different. There was an energy, an aura surrounding the area; everyone seemed happy, relaxed and to be having a really good time. As we navigated Wellesley, the crowd thickened and my senses spun. I realized I was surrounded by hundreds of gay guys. It was surreal.

I felt myself flush a little at the whole scene. Everyone was there; tall, short, twink, bear, young and old. It just made you feel great, being surrounded by people of every background who were all getting along and having a great time. Even now I find it difficult to explain just what made it so amazing, but I guess it just felt comfortable. It felt right. It felt like there was no judgement; you were who you were and everyone was invited.

Really, I can't go on about how great it felt to just stand there in the thick of things and smile. We all know we're not the only gay guy in the world, but that night highlighted how many people are there who identify with us, support us and love us.

It was around this moment that I walked directly past an acquaintance of my mom's. I hesitated for a moment, thinking I should wave and say hi, but in a moment of confusion (plus the fact that James was walking ahead of me) made me simply walk past. I don't even think she saw me, in retrospect.

We stood in the middle of the gay village, Church and Wellesley, and reveled in the crowd. True, there were some incredibly drunk lesbians on the balcony above Pizza Pizza, shirtless and dripping some beer on the people below...but that was just a microcosm of the crowd. It really did go from mild to wild. And nobody cared.

One of James' friends and his boyfriend ran into us, and we said our hellos. I felt a touch awkward as the couple stood there, with James' friend petting, leaning on and wrapping himself around his boyfriend, and James and I standing there closely but casually. For a moment I wondered if James expected the same thing, if this is how he wanted us to be. Considering we're not that close yet (or at least I'm not that close yet), I didn't really enjoy the thought of being wrapped up in each other the entire time.

We waved goodbye and continued walking to find a place to get dinner. On the way, we had a brief chat about the whole public mauling thing, and both agreed it's really not our style. James then proceeded to grab my hand and hold it for the rest of the night, "Because we can," as he put it. I went along with it, but my heart wasn't in it...I'll hold hands with my fiancee, not the guy I've been seeing for a few weeks. At least not yet.

I tried to spy any more familiar faces, but didn't catch any. We chose a spot for dinner, sat, and waited for half an hour to be served thanks to the huge crowds. It didn't really matter though, we were both talking and laughing...until drama reared it's head. James' parents decided to give him a call and see what he was up to...which didn't go too well. He's not out to his parents, and had said he was downtown visiting friends from school. Fair enough, but they wanted to know "Why tonight of all nights?"

It got so bad that his parents actually asked him if he was gay, right there, in a phone conversation. He didn't answer, just said that he would see them tomorrow and that he was safe. He was on the verge of tears when he hung up the phone, and the fun took a swift decline. It was a tale of two extremes; there we were enjoying Pride festivities, where everyone reaffirms your equality as a human being, while his semi-homophobe parents were grilling their son about his sexuality and interesting choice of timing a visit to Toronto.

Just before we were about to leave, out of the corner of my eye I saw what looked like an ex of mine walk by. Actually, I noticed his roommate first, because he's really cute, and then the ex behind him. They walked straight past, presumably not noticing me (and since I'd just gotten a message from him a few hours before, I assume he's not not speaking to me).

The walk back to my place was pretty mute. As soon as we were back past the barricades closing off the street, James grabbed my hand again. I gave him a squeeze because I knew he was really upset and literally needed a hand to hold. When we got back to my place, I gave him a big hug, long enough to feel good but short enough to make sure he didn't start to cry. We rifled through my clothes, because I really had no idea what to wear, chose something and started the walk back to his friend's place for the pre-drink.

By now James' spirits were raised, and I felt better too, so we both enjoyed plunging into the throbbing crowds as we headed for his friend's apartment. I had a little heart sputter as we arrived at the door, hoping I'd make a good impression and get on with his friends.

He knocked, and the door swung open. "Hiiiii!" shouted the host, a smile plastered across his face. "Happy Pride!"

The door opened further, and he finally caught sight of me.

"Oh, I didn't know this was the Steve you were talking about..."