What I want...

So what exactly am I looking for?

People lately seem to be confused, and in truth, the more I think about it I am as well.

The more people that I talk with about relationships, dating and love, the more I get confused about what I'm really interested in. For the most part, it seemed as though I had my mind made up; I wanted a boyfriend who loved me and who I loved. Period.



I still do. But it's the getting there that I'm starting to examine, mainly, growing up enough to enjoy the fun romances and dating without automatically attaching the emotional weight to it.

After I ended things with Latin Boy, I immediately felt a change in attitude. I was sad that, yet again, my month-long expiry date had come and gone, that I was again relationship free. But within that, I also felt different. I felt, dare I say it, confident in myself as a single guy. For what seemed like almost the first time, I really felt this whole positive 'I'm going to live life and be happy being single' thing. It was bizarre. It was a step in the right direction.

In my flurry of mental activity, I really felt comfortable with the whole idea of just letting my life be what it is...to stop worrying if/when I'll finally meet the right guy and to get priorities back in line. Focus more on academic life, think about the whole career/future goals thing. If I met someone I really liked, that I clicked with, then go for it, but otherwise to stop pounding my head against the wall and comparing myself to every other romantically-satisfied person on the planet.

It lasted about 24 hours, but it did help me get perspective on how I was maybe learning to love myself for myself even more. Sure, I still wonder why I'm never meeting the right guy, and why other people get to have that whole component in their lives, but it's also not as distracting to me anymore. I still try to stop and realize I'm enjoying the moment, even if I'm alone.

This all led to a bit of a changed perspective on the 'dating game'. While I'm certainly not looking for something that is meaningless (as in no real connection at all other than sexual), I am open to dating for fun. It's taken a bit of really getting used to, but I'm trying to just have a bit more fun with the dating thing instead of taking it so seriously so quickly.

While I want to find someone really special to fall in love with, I don't have any illusion that it will last for years, if not ever. If I got 10 months out of something, I'd be shocked and pleased.

But people don't seem to be understanding that.

I had this very conversation a few nights ago with my friend Sam. She was crashing at our place, and after a night of heavy drinking, we naturally steered the conversation towards sex and relationships.

But when I explained that I was indeed looking for something more than just mindless dating, she jumped to the conclusion that I wanted to 'settle down.'

I guess if you define 'settling down' as sleeping with only one person, then yes, I'm looking for that. But the way she said it made me feel so...old. Like I was settling down, buying a condo and a cat, and living the rest of my life with a boy at age 21.

Nowhere am I under the illusion that my idealized boyfriend (who I haven't actually met yet...) will be the one that I spend the rest of my life with. I have no desire to move in with someone, to merge my life at such an early age with another person.

But is that what it takes for us to actually commit to the long term?

It seems like people take 'long term' to either mean a month of monogamy or a lifetime of love. I define it as neither. Of course, I can't comment, since anything I've ever been involved in has lasted no longer than a month and a half. I yearn for falling for someone that I'll love, and will love me in return, but even when I think about that, I foresee it lasting a year, maybe two.

Maybe I'm being too romantic, expecting too much. I want to feel the fireworks, have the intimacy and unfettered love for someone. I want to look at them and tingle inside. And I want it sooner rather than later. I just haven't ever really experienced that fully yet, had the chance to wind up with someone for more than my one month expiration.

But whenever I say something to that effect, my friends crash me down to the 'real world'. I recall explaining what I'm looking for to a friend after an exam a few months ago, only to have her jaw drop in horror.

"Dude, honestly, nobody is that happy. Everyone I know just dates people, and it ends," she said in her usual deadpan blunt nature.

I shook my head. "Then why do I see happy couples, even happy gay ones, who love each other...or at least look like it," I said. "Why is it so hard to believe that people could be happy with each other?"

"Look, honestly, get a dog or something," she said. "They'll be pretty much the only thing that will love you at this age."

"I have a dog," I said. "It loves my mother more than it loves me."

Everyone is different. At this age, I guess some guys, maybe even most guys, are just out there for the fun. Go out, pick up, repeat. I'm not necessarily against that, but I'm not denying that I've got the urge to have a deeper relationship with someone. I see seemingly great people around me all the time, but seem to date the right guy that things work out with in the midterm relationship I guess I'm looking for. I want the best of both worlds; I'm not looking for a life partner, but I'm not looking for something that's just casual fun. I want the qualities of someone for life in the packaging of someone casual and fun.

So, after all this, what am I really looking for? Love, I'm sure, like I always have been. But I'm also trying to widen the field by enjoying single life and letting casual dates be just that. I still ask myself why I haven't found the right person, or why I didn't click enough with the ones I've been with. I still wonder if there's something that is wrong with me, an outlook, an expectation that is keeping me from coupled bliss. And of course, deep down, I still secretly worry about winding up just the way I am...alone.

That confession came after watching the Sex and the City movie. In a super-depressing montage of New Years Eve celebrations, we see several characters spending it pretty much alone because of the fact they have no significant other.

"See, that's what terrifies me," I said, of the image of Mr.Big sitting immaculately dressed, eating dinner alone in a room full of people as the clock inches towards midnight. "I'm afraid I'll have the job, and the clothes, and whatever...but I'll still be alone."

But, in my new wave of optimism, I'm only letting myself worry about that on even days of the month.

And for the rest of the time, I'm focusing on the good things in life, sans a boy.