"All I want to do is make you happy, because you've made me the happiest I've ever been in a long time."
Forgiving the bad grammar, I read, re-read, and read once more the last sentence of his e-mail to me.
For some reason, I almost didn't want to see it. I almost didn't want to hear that, yes, I'm making someone happy. Why? Because, in my experience, it's something that's hard to trust. I've been there before...sure, this time I have way more substantial evidence that it's true, but it can be a little daunting to imagine things working...still working, for someone where it very rarely has.
But there it was, in black and white. And mixed with the slight unease was a great sense of flushed warmth.
Of course, it didn't take long for me to slip from pleasure to pressure. While half of me was relaxed and happy because of the statement, the other half felt a new weight fall on my shoulders, the don't-fuck-it-up-now-because-it's-getting-more-serious pressure to perform.
Actually, writing this now sounds like I'm a lot more worried by the pressure than reassure by the sentiment. That's not the case; when I got it, and after I kept reading it, I was really reassured by it. It felt right.
I just have to remind myself to stop thinking and go with the flow.
5 comments:
It sounds like you have a good thing going there. It's almost certainly because you are you, and that's what makes him happy. Don't feel like there should be pressure, just be yourself and things will follow.
Hey, enjoy it! Don't think of it as a burden :) Nothing like the beginning of courtship!
It's been awhile since you've blogged about James......I was beginning to wonder if you blew him off.......
"I just have to remind myself to stop thinking and go with the flow." ...EXACTLY!!!
I think that might be the most amazing thing that a person could say to a loved one.
You've obviously been doing things right. So no pressure. :)
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