Tonight was the first time Laura, Ashley and I could get together since making it home.
We're close friends, though at times the lines blur and I'm not sure who feels what about who. We know everything about each other, and it's Laura and Ashley who I have grown my longest friendships with.
I came out to Laura in March, and since had been wanting to tell Ashley. It felt unfair of me to tell one and not the other, but I'd wanted to do it in person, and since we lived hours away from each other, I had to wait until we were home.
Tonight the three of us sat at the local pub, relishing the fact that we're 'too old/not old enough' to sit at the coffee shop all night, and could now sit calmly and smartly in the pub. After a good 2 hours of catching up, we started talking about relationships. I didn't really add much to the conversation, but at one point, I looked at Laura and alluded to how Brian is now madly in love with the new guy. She looked a little surprised, but caught herself and didn't discuss it further.
Later, Ashley went to the washroom. Barely out of earshot, Laura asked, "Have you told her yet! Are you telling her tonight?"
In truth, I'd planned on telling her. But when Laura asked, it felt funny to cap the evening off with the "we need to talk" comment. Another hour, and we were in the parking lot, Laura got in her car and Ashley got in with me. We took off, and I purposly took the long way to her house.
"So..." I said, trying to find the right words. "Uh. I've got some news. We have to talk."
She nodded, "Oh, sure, yeah well nothing's really new in the past month with me, just exams and stuff...nothing exciting."
"That's not really what I meant."
"I know," she said, looking down. Oh boy.
"Well, there's no easy way to say this, so I'll just tell you." I paused. "I'm bisexual."
A few beats passed, and my heart clenched in my chest.
"Oh, wow. That's cool!" she said. That was all she said, so I started telling my "Well, in January..." story. She listened, nodded, and told me how it was great that I had a new part of life to explore. She said it was fine, and that she was happy that I knew what I wanted and was comfortable.
But that was it. There was no unabashed "I love you", no tight embraces or affirmations of our friendship. Laura's not the most emotional person in the world, but I thought she'd have a little more to say.
We arrived at her house, and finished the conversation. I wanted so badly for her to say that nothing's changed, or that she loved me, or just a simple wordless hug, but nothing came.
"Let's all go out Thursday night, you'll stay at my place, and we'll have a good time with whoever's home," she said in the end. I agreed, and she left.
I guess every experience won't leave you with 'warm fuzzies' in your heart. I know that she feels all the things I said above, but she just doesn't say them. There was not one second of derogatory remark or disgusted snorts, but I was left feeling a little worried. Has our friendship changed forever?
Or is it as healthy as an hour before?
1 comment:
I tend to think that the people who find it the most normal are probably the ones that are least likely to make a fuss about it - either in a negative way or a positive way... So I wouldn't worry about it if I were you - take it as a good thing.
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