A breif pause...

Ok, not so breif...

Friends, I'm taking a leave from the blog. No, it's not because I want to, it's because I'm off to France in about an hour.

Yep, I've been planning this trip for a while, and didn't know when to mention it. But of course I wasn't just going to drop off the map while I was away. As a friend said, you're allowed time off from blogging to actually live your life, and as much as I'd like to keep you all up to date while I'm away, I won't have internet access.

I'm going on an educational trip, before you all get excited and think I'll be frolicking with French boys for the next 3 weeks. In fact, I'm going with a group of people who I know nothing about, and have never really met. Scary! Really scary. But nobody knows anybody, so we'll be forced into friendships immediately.

So what can I say? I don't want you all to simply write me off as a goner, because I will be back. I just hope there will be people around when I start writing again. I'm setting a tentative deadline of June 1 as my return to Frozen Underwear. So until then, be paitent and enjoy spring!

Also, there are a few people who I really need to catch up with, and haven't had time to because of moving home/getting ready to go. You know who you are, and bear with me for a few weeks. I hope you all are doing well.

So goodbye for now!

With love,
Steve

Simply complex...

...or complexly simple?

This thing going on with Daivd is deceptive. It could be as simple as I'm the guy he goes to for sex. Or it could be that I represent something outside of his norm, so he embraces me when he wants to/can. Or it could be that maybe we're building up to something. Slowly.

After his texts a while ago, I called him. Surprise surprise, he didn't answer his phone. I left a message...then impatiently sent him a text message an hour later. I know him, he doesn't seperate from his cell (at least he puts it on silent when he comes by), so I was a little miffed when he didn't get back to me for hours...

Finally we connected. I was cramming for my last exam, and he was begging to come over.

"Just for a little while..." he said. "I'll help you study, serious."

I mulled for about 2 seconds. While it would be nice to see if he'd actually spend time with me, I didn't want to put myself in a compromised position when it came to my exam. He rode me a little for being such a 'good student', which as I'm well aware this semester I wasn't exactly going to get a gold star for attendance...we agreed to meet the next evening.

Halfway through my exam the next day, while I was taking a 2 minute break, my mind flashed to him. "He he," I thought to myself. "I got a boy waiting for me when I finish this thing!"

When I got home, he called to tell me he was about 10 minutes away. I chucked my books in the corner, threw the room into some sense of order, and waited. He arrived, and we crashed on my bed. I reveled in my newfound freedom, being finished all my academic requirements for this semester, and conversation turned to our summer plans. I didn't want to say, "Gee, I guess this means I won't be seeing you until September," and truth be told it didn't really enter my mind. I was just enjoying his company.

We then moved on...and enjoyed each other's less communicative company. It was much the same as last time, with his very intimate approach to sex. We held each other, carassed, explored...finally, we both collapsed onto each other and let the breeze cool us down.

"How about a back rub?" he suggested. I inwardly rolled my eyes, knowing he would want one at some point, but I didn't necessarily mind. I rolled on top of him and proceeded to loosen his muscles. Somewhere along the line, his hand met mine, and he pulled me in so I lay on top of his back. We snuggled there for a while, and I kissed his neck.

He let out a low moan. I kissed again, and got the same response. Moving up and down, I gently grazed his neck, and he pulled me closer to him. I was really hitting a spot, and I get the feeling this was the first time he'd noticed how a non-sexual body part can be so sexually stimulating.

We moved around, giving me access to his crotch. I grabbed his cock and started beating him off slowly, all the while paying attention to his neck. By now he was writhing with pleasure, and I'll admit I was getting off on it too.

Moments later, his breathing quickened, and his moaning became sharper. I pulled my head up to see him shoot all over his chest, past his shoulder and onto the pillow holding up his head. He slumped down, breathing hard and lay there stunned.

"Wow," he said. "That was fucking hot."

He appologized as we cleaned up, saying he'd never shot quite that far before...I laughed because not only did I not mind, I thought it was pretty hot myself. He gathered himself together and checked his watch. After a few mintues of conversation he invited me along shopping with him...which unfortunately I couldn't do because I had dinner plans for later that night.

A few days later, he texted me again. I replied, just saying hi, but he didn't get back to me. Then, this Friday night, he texted me. "Hey buddyyyyyyy!" he sent, at 2 a.m. I didn't reply because, well, I wasn't awake then, and I wasn't even downtown anymore...

So we've got 'something' going on. And I hope it doesn't end because summer is here...I want to have that option open when I get back in September. Besides, I can always visit during the summer months...

I'm just afraid that I haven't approached this with the proper mindset. After writing this all out, it looks like he's basically interested in just sleeping with me when he's free and wants to. If I want to procede with that, and I'm not opposed to it, I have to accept the fact that he's probably not going to want anything more. But I've been given some strange things for my over-active imaginaiton to fuel on, in the hopes that maybe it's not just simply sex. After all, he's very conversational and genuine when we're together. He's invited me out (albeit not 'out'), which shows that he doesn't mind spending time with me. But there's enough evidence that he's only in it for the sex to make me think I'm being too naive about it.

I guess I've just got to get myself to accept that if we're destinted to become regular fuck-buddies, he's probably not going to want anything more.

Doledrums...

So I've been seriously ignoring the blog, and it's killing me.

I never knew life could be so busy...doing nothing. I mean, in the past week, I've been all around, but it's been pretty boring and really not worth writing about. I went to the dentist. I went grocery shopping. I came out to another of my best friends...ok so that one isn't boring, but the hours have been filled with a steady stream of errands to run.

It hasn't even given me time to think about any issues...not that my environment has helped with that. Here I am, back in small-town-bum-fuck-nowhere, and I'm not inspired to write about anything on sexuality. It's as if sex doesn't exist around here.

Last night was a bit interesting. I had coffee with my best friend from High School, whom I don't really see that often. We kinda drifted apart after school ended, but we both still want to see each other. So we now spend an evening together here and there. Conversation was never dull, but it didn't feel like the time or place to simply say, "Oh, guess what!..." I mean, we haven't seen each other since Christmas, so I didn't want to start on that note.

After coffee, I caught up with Ashley and Laura at another friend's place. They were eating brownies and had been into the wine, and I arrived just as they were getting ready to go to the bar in town. There were a few people at the house I'd never met before, but Laura immediately pulled me aside.

"See! I'm so glad you told Ashley. You have the right to be who you are, and she's happy for you. I am too," she said, swaying from the slight intoxication. Ashley then joined us, and we laughed together. It felt pretty great to know they know, but weren't making a big deal about it. We hugged and headed into town.

Being a Thursday night, the bar caters to college kids who are home for the summer, and it's usually crowded. I happen to hate the charade of the 'reunion' nights, where people from High School that I didn't know or talk to attempt to make awkward conversation with you. Most of the time, they just stare at you, knowing full well who you are but keeping their distance. It's a ritual that I trick myself into participating in every time we come home from school, but one that doesn't get any more bareable.

Not many of the people there I consider friends, and as much as I'd like to embrace those who I barely know from High School, I don't forget how I really wasn't one of the 'cool kids' at school and didn't really get on with any of them. While the guys were out playing rugby or tearing around the school's parking lot, I'd be reading or doing band stuff...yes, I was a 'band nerd' of sorts. I had a great group of friends, but it was the mish-mashed variety of people, and nobody was particularily accepted by the kids in the Billabong hoodies.

So I hung out with a few people I knew for about a half-hour, then checked my watch and was out the door before midnight. The cold air greeted me, and I felt more comfortable in the desolate parking lot than I had surrounded by people I'd 'known' for the 4 years of High School. I drove home with the windows down and radio cranked, singing at the top of my lungs. God, I'd missed that. I'm the type who cannot not sing when I'm driving by myself. I get behind the wheel, turn up the radio, and loose my mind. It's fun, and makes driving all the more interesting.

I'm also becoming less embarassed about it. Before, when I'd stop at a light, I'd also stop singing, instead humming along until I was back in moving traffic. These last few days, I just kinda don't care anymore. I'm sure I look like an idiot to the person who spies me in their rear-view mirror, but I'm becoming less embarassed about it. Until someone I know sees me and laughs. Then I'll be embarassed all over again.

Haunted house...

It's always fun to come home to something new.

Apparently my cousin's house is haunted. He and his girlfriend moved in about a year ago, but this activity has only been going on in the past few months. Though the ghost isn't mean, doesn't throw things or flick lights on and off, he's scared the crap out of my cousin and some other friend of his.

As the tale goes, the ghost has a form, looks like a man, and has appeared 3 times, each time to males. My cousin has seen him twice, both times thinking he was seeing things or wasn't thinking clearly. The ghost simply walks by, doesn't pay any attention to people, nor does he do anything to bother anyone. But he's freaked out my cousin by simply being there, and I can certainly empathise with being shaken up over seeing a disembodied spirit walk past you. Twice.

Then the latest, a friend was spending the night at their home, and was watching TV alone late at night. He thought he saw someone walk by, but figured it was a trick of the light or something to that effect. The night wore on, he went to bed, but got up to use the washroom. On his way down the hall, he walked right past the ghost, who was heading in the opposite direction. This terrified him so fundamentally he grabbed his stuff and hit the road, leaving a note for my cousin saying his house was "fucking haunted!"

I don't know where I stand on ghosts, having never seen one before. I loved ghost stories as a kid, and watched all the shows about hauntings and paranormal activity and all that. Just the other day, I was channel surfing and came across a medium on Montel who was telling people about their spirit problems, and felt that same sense of awe mixed with a healthy dose of disbelief. I guess if you believe in God you might have a chance at believing in spirits and ghosts, since it means there really is something after we die. And it seems entirely possible, like on the TV show 'Ghost Whisperer', that there might be spirits who just haven't passed on yet.

All of that aside, I'm really curious about this ghost. In daylight hours, I feel fascinated, and would love to be confronted by it if I was over visiting. But when night falls, it gets a little creepy...if there really is something there I would freak out.

Oh well, always fun to hear from the family. Maybe the ghost will join us for Christmas dinner in December.

Once more unto the breach...

Tonight was the first time Laura, Ashley and I could get together since making it home.

We're close friends, though at times the lines blur and I'm not sure who feels what about who. We know everything about each other, and it's Laura and Ashley who I have grown my longest friendships with.

I came out to Laura in March, and since had been wanting to tell Ashley. It felt unfair of me to tell one and not the other, but I'd wanted to do it in person, and since we lived hours away from each other, I had to wait until we were home.

Tonight the three of us sat at the local pub, relishing the fact that we're 'too old/not old enough' to sit at the coffee shop all night, and could now sit calmly and smartly in the pub. After a good 2 hours of catching up, we started talking about relationships. I didn't really add much to the conversation, but at one point, I looked at Laura and alluded to how Brian is now madly in love with the new guy. She looked a little surprised, but caught herself and didn't discuss it further.

Later, Ashley went to the washroom. Barely out of earshot, Laura asked, "Have you told her yet! Are you telling her tonight?"

In truth, I'd planned on telling her. But when Laura asked, it felt funny to cap the evening off with the "we need to talk" comment. Another hour, and we were in the parking lot, Laura got in her car and Ashley got in with me. We took off, and I purposly took the long way to her house.

"So..." I said, trying to find the right words. "Uh. I've got some news. We have to talk."

She nodded, "Oh, sure, yeah well nothing's really new in the past month with me, just exams and stuff...nothing exciting."

"That's not really what I meant."

"I know," she said, looking down. Oh boy.

"Well, there's no easy way to say this, so I'll just tell you." I paused. "I'm bisexual."

A few beats passed, and my heart clenched in my chest.

"Oh, wow. That's cool!" she said. That was all she said, so I started telling my "Well, in January..." story. She listened, nodded, and told me how it was great that I had a new part of life to explore. She said it was fine, and that she was happy that I knew what I wanted and was comfortable.

But that was it. There was no unabashed "I love you", no tight embraces or affirmations of our friendship. Laura's not the most emotional person in the world, but I thought she'd have a little more to say.

We arrived at her house, and finished the conversation. I wanted so badly for her to say that nothing's changed, or that she loved me, or just a simple wordless hug, but nothing came.

"Let's all go out Thursday night, you'll stay at my place, and we'll have a good time with whoever's home," she said in the end. I agreed, and she left.

I guess every experience won't leave you with 'warm fuzzies' in your heart. I know that she feels all the things I said above, but she just doesn't say them. There was not one second of derogatory remark or disgusted snorts, but I was left feeling a little worried. Has our friendship changed forever?

Or is it as healthy as an hour before?