Added padding...

I'm literally freezing my ass off.

For the past few weeks, we've been suffering through a cold snap. It comes and goes, but there have been moments walking around outside where the frosty wind and dampness have made it feel like -25 C. That's damn cold!

In an effort to keep warm, most have adopted a winter-weather strategy. Some have been bundled up in heavy parkas, others not so willing to sacrifice fashion for function jump from doorway to doorway, trying to re-warm their frigid legs stuffed into skinny jeans.

My approach hasn't really changed much over the last few winters: have a warm coat and wear my secret weapon when needed.

Long johns.

Sounds kinda stupid, but it truly works. If I wake up and my window is frozen closed and frosted over, it's a good bet I'll reach for my thermal skivvies. They fit snugly on my body, and nobody even notices since they don't bunch or add 10 pounds to your legs and ass.

And for the most part, they work fairly well at keeping me warm. I don't have much else to wear warmer than jeans, and since I don't want anything important suffering from frostbite, it makes great sense to sacrifice a bit of sexiness by doing the full-length version of briefs.

For their part, the gays seem to be trying to stay warm this winter as best they can, which seemingly includes visits to other people's beds. Shared bodily warmth, you know...

On one such occasion, I had actually forgotten that I was still clad in long underwear under my jeans. For a moment I predicted disaster; what is a bigger turn off than seeing someone wearing something your grandfather probably walks around the house in?

But the fact I was keeping my bits and pieces warm actually received a compliment for ingenuity, and I have to say, the large fly-flap on the crotch proved most useful.

So when I went shopping yesterday to find another pair (since it's not getting any warmer around here) I was a little surprised to have such a hard time finding some.

I stopped at an outdoorsy manly-man type store swimming in plaid, and there before me stood a rack of multiple kinds of underwear. They had the fleece variety, the waffle-woven cotton blend and what looked suspiciously like a leotard.

And they were all two sizes too big.

As I went, rack by rack, I realized with a growing horror that every pair in the store was much bigger than I needed. They ranged from medium, what the package called 34-36, all the way to 3XL, and who knows if they even count waist sizes for things that big...

I combed the entire shelf, hoping that I could find one small pair of them, but to no avail. This must be the one instance where I don't want to shell out for Calvin Klein, but at least they have something closer to my size...

It was then that I realized, I must be the only homo in Toronto that actually wears the damn things. What's a gay to do?

Apparently when ordering long underwear for the masses, smaller-waisted folks were not given a second thought. Now, I know that the target audience for such a store is the overweight, jerky-chewing variety of masculine male...but Jesus, couldn't they have ordered a couple small's? Every customer isn't necessarily headed for bypass surgery.

Just to be sure that it's not a slight against the gays, I decided to check the selection at one of the underwear stores that cater to those of the homo persuasion. That, and I needed to buy a new bottle of lube, but I figured I should multi-purpose my trip.

To be fair, they did have a couple pairs of very long underwear, even in sizes that fit me...but since I could practically see through them I decided they were probably more for play than for work. I left the store (nearly) empty handed, and more than a little discouraged. Even our own people don't stock the damn things!

Am I so out of touch with things that I haven't yet realized my quest for long underwear will end with me empty handed? Does nobody stock sizes that will actually fit my waist? Am I really not 'average' in the long-underwear business? And most importantly, how do the gays keep their bits warm during those frosty days and frigid nights?

For now, I've got to rely on my one lonely pair that are, as we speak, spinning away happily in the wash.

But I should be careful with them, since they're apparently a collectors item: the only small size in town...