Doledrums...

So I've been seriously ignoring the blog, and it's killing me.

I never knew life could be so busy...doing nothing. I mean, in the past week, I've been all around, but it's been pretty boring and really not worth writing about. I went to the dentist. I went grocery shopping. I came out to another of my best friends...ok so that one isn't boring, but the hours have been filled with a steady stream of errands to run.

It hasn't even given me time to think about any issues...not that my environment has helped with that. Here I am, back in small-town-bum-fuck-nowhere, and I'm not inspired to write about anything on sexuality. It's as if sex doesn't exist around here.

Last night was a bit interesting. I had coffee with my best friend from High School, whom I don't really see that often. We kinda drifted apart after school ended, but we both still want to see each other. So we now spend an evening together here and there. Conversation was never dull, but it didn't feel like the time or place to simply say, "Oh, guess what!..." I mean, we haven't seen each other since Christmas, so I didn't want to start on that note.

After coffee, I caught up with Ashley and Laura at another friend's place. They were eating brownies and had been into the wine, and I arrived just as they were getting ready to go to the bar in town. There were a few people at the house I'd never met before, but Laura immediately pulled me aside.

"See! I'm so glad you told Ashley. You have the right to be who you are, and she's happy for you. I am too," she said, swaying from the slight intoxication. Ashley then joined us, and we laughed together. It felt pretty great to know they know, but weren't making a big deal about it. We hugged and headed into town.

Being a Thursday night, the bar caters to college kids who are home for the summer, and it's usually crowded. I happen to hate the charade of the 'reunion' nights, where people from High School that I didn't know or talk to attempt to make awkward conversation with you. Most of the time, they just stare at you, knowing full well who you are but keeping their distance. It's a ritual that I trick myself into participating in every time we come home from school, but one that doesn't get any more bareable.

Not many of the people there I consider friends, and as much as I'd like to embrace those who I barely know from High School, I don't forget how I really wasn't one of the 'cool kids' at school and didn't really get on with any of them. While the guys were out playing rugby or tearing around the school's parking lot, I'd be reading or doing band stuff...yes, I was a 'band nerd' of sorts. I had a great group of friends, but it was the mish-mashed variety of people, and nobody was particularily accepted by the kids in the Billabong hoodies.

So I hung out with a few people I knew for about a half-hour, then checked my watch and was out the door before midnight. The cold air greeted me, and I felt more comfortable in the desolate parking lot than I had surrounded by people I'd 'known' for the 4 years of High School. I drove home with the windows down and radio cranked, singing at the top of my lungs. God, I'd missed that. I'm the type who cannot not sing when I'm driving by myself. I get behind the wheel, turn up the radio, and loose my mind. It's fun, and makes driving all the more interesting.

I'm also becoming less embarassed about it. Before, when I'd stop at a light, I'd also stop singing, instead humming along until I was back in moving traffic. These last few days, I just kinda don't care anymore. I'm sure I look like an idiot to the person who spies me in their rear-view mirror, but I'm becoming less embarassed about it. Until someone I know sees me and laughs. Then I'll be embarassed all over again.