I wanna hold your hand...

Why do you sometimes have the knee-jerk reaction to hate someone elses' happiness?

I'm not talking about hating the guy who won the lottery, or the woman who stole your promotion. It's not even a hate, really, just a mild burning sensation that you correct yourself and readjust to a more happy, pleasant tone.

Of course, I'm talking about finding out someone you know/dated/went out with/whatever is now in that magical state of 'a relationship'.

It happened to me just a few days ago. While sitting through yet another class, trying to pass the time and pick myself up out of the winter blahs, I was kicking around on Facebook when it hit me. Twice.

The first was a guy who I'd sorta been on a date with, but after a bizarre set of circumstances ended up not seeing again. He was interesting, very cute but not necessarily my type. He also had amazing hair, it just really set off the rest of his features. Of course, I never really found out what would have happened, so who knows, right?

As I was scrolling through Facebook, I noticed that happy little heart indicator sitting beside his name. For a moment, I just sat there. Then, that creeping heat crawled through my chest...huh? He's dating someone? Nay, in a 'relationship' with someone? And he couldn't have found the time to get back to me way-back-when!? Bastard!

Of course, it seemed stupid after I had this flash of disappointment/anger/sadness/lonliness/disparaging/etc., because it's a worldwide phenomenon, this habit people have of getting into relationships. I seem to have been bread with a natural relationship repellent, so I've always been jealous of random people who are happily paired.

But this...this is a different level of surprise. This was someone that things could have worked with. I could have been the other person in the relationship. Instead, I'm delegated to seeing, via Facebook, that someone else has gotten their slice of happiness.

After the initial surprise wore off, I realized how much of an asshole I was being. Through many years, all the way back to high school, I tried to maintain the positive outlook on the situation. I used to, and still do, love to see my friends happy. That includes when my friend, exes and dates wind up with someone they do really like, I feel happy for them. It's nice to see that someone gets that experience, right?

So I shrugged off my stupidity...and took wicked glee when I noticed several days later that his status had magically disappeared as quickly as it had appeared...and chalked it up to me being self-centred, stupid and a jackass.

But when it happened again in the same week, and with even stranger circumstances, I couldn't help but feel the flash of jealousy once more.

This time it was yet another person I'd seen a bit of...but one, again, that didn't really go anywhere. He fell off the face of the earth, more or less, and I just took that as a sign things weren't clicking. Two days after the first guy, his status in Facebook changed as well...now 'in a relationship'.

I was puzzled, and again sorta hurt, in a stupid way. Why is it that yet another person who was in my life at one moment has suddenly found themselves in a relationship, right after the other guy!?

Naturally, I did the internal kicking of myself, thinking how stupid I was being and how it really didn't matter...and how I should just be happy for the guy instead of being so caught up with myself...all the while scouring his Facebook for evidence of the new boyfriend.

My jaw hung loose when I got to reading his wall, where someone had posted a comment asking if he, "...Met HER in one of your classes, or just at school?"

As the air escaped my chest, I tried to keep myself from drawing any attention. The person sitting next to me looked over briefly, then back to their screen.

How could this have happened? The most submissive of boys, gay through and through, convinced of the fact he was a 'total bottom', was now dating a girl? It...it couldn't be. But there it was.

Again, I fought to reign in my wild imagination, my crazy thoughts and distaste for the situation. I have to say, me being me, I did a pretty good job of it, and only thought about it twice after the fact...

Valentines Day is around the corner. Yes, it's a stupid holiday. No, we don't need some 'day' on the calendar to tell us to treat the special person in our life 'extra-special', because really, if you can't do that during the rest of the year, what's the point?

Last year marked the very first Valentines that I got to spend with someone else. It was nothing sort of fascinating, complete with chocolate hearts, cards, sexy dice, candles and lots of sex. This year...the outlook doesn't seem so rosy. And it didn't help to see that not one, but two people who had made passing moments in my life had found someone else who is presently making a mark.

But from somewhere I'm pulling out my old high-school optimism, complete with naive perspective and sorta-genuine good will, for as long as I can muster it. So that means any of you in relationships, dating someone, or even in the first throws being pursued by someone should be happy for yourselves, because I'm happy for you. Realize what you've got going for you, even if you think you don't want it.

Because chances are, someone else does.