My hands are still shaking, and I'm trying hard to control my legs from doing the same.
We were standing in the kitchen, washing the dishes, just me and my dad. Mom's out for the evening, and I'd just made some pork chops for dinner. He was talking about somebody who had told him their family seemed not to be the marrying type.
"Maybe they're all queers," he said.
Later, he was talking about how he heard the Provincial government was going to start pay for sex change operations again. "Like we need to be paying for turd-pushers," he said.
I could barely contain myself. I stared into the water held in the sink, aimlessly washing the same plate over and over. Finally, I asked, "Do you have a problem with gays?"
He thought for a moment. "Not really, I guess," he said. "But they seem to think they're better than everyone else, they have more rights or something."
I shook my head. "What do you mean by that?"
"Well, the whole pride parade bullshit. You don't see a straight parade, why do they need to have a parade to show people they're gay?"
I didn't really answer that, but kept on washing the dishes. My heart started to sink to my feet, and my chest felt tight. I wanted to cry and vomit at the same time, but stood there idly washing what was left in the sink.
A few moments went by in silence, then he said, "Why, are you telling me you're gay?"
I froze for a moment. This is not how I wanted it to happen, with me angry and hurt and him spouting homophobic crap.
"Would you have a problem if I was?" I asked, not really answering his question but testing his waters.
He mumbled for a moment, then said something along the lines of him "preferring that I'm not."
"Yeah, I guess I'd have a problem," he said, and I felt my heart sink even further. "I might even have to suicide myself."
I stopped breathing. A moment later, I choked out, "That's a bit dramatic."
We finished the dishes and he resumed normal conversation.
---
I've always imagined how my coming out will be to my father. Mostly, I've tried to stay on the positive bent, thinking things will go alright, hoping that after the initial surprise he'll realize I'm not a different person than I was. But as each day goes by, I find myself more and more angry with his closemindness, his intolerance and his ignorance. I wonder if he even realizes how deeply he hurt me just a few moments ago.
The situation has come up before, and I hope it will not be the way it happens, but I've had to stop myself lately from blurting out that yes, I am one of those horrible people he refers to. I'm one of the fags that he seems to have such a problem with, that his son is one of the people he's running down.
Tonight was the closest it's ever come to me actually saying the words to him, and it would be out of anger and hurt, not out of hopeful confidence. I stood there, in the moments after he had said his piece, and fought with myself. Blurt it out now, and get it over with? Wait until a 'better time'?
Whatever the case may be, I was surprised to feel a bit of indignation towards him. Within myself, I felt the sense of strength, that if he's going to hate me for me, so be it. If I'm going to come out to him, I'm going to tell it like it is, and as much as I want him to
I guess the bottom line is, he will love me less when I tell him. But I'm surprised to discover that I would rather be true and honest than continue to lie and be belittled. If he's not going to love his son for being his son, than I don't need that in my life.
I'm not saying I'm going to cut him out when I come out, but I'm not going to be dragged into shame or denial because he can't accept me. I hope that when I do utter the three magic words, he'll be able to get used to it, but who knows.
---
I'm surprised even right now about how I feel. I want to get up, walk up to him and say, "You know what, yes, I am gay." I just want it off my chest, out there, in the open.
I know that as soon as I got face to face with him, I would loose my steam, fall back from my plan. But sitting here, writing this now, I am almost overcome with the urge to just have it over with, to tell him how much he's hurt me, and to try and explain that I'm not some sort of mutant being. It's so hard to control myself not to confront him, yet it's so hard to just go and confront him period.
---
I wonder what he's thinking now, after our conversation. I didn't answer his question about if I'm gay. I wonder if he picked up on that point, realized that I was really trying to pave the way. He's gone outside to cut some grass...but I wonder if it's now on his mind. So tempting to just walk up to him now and tell him. But I know it would be so hard to.
I've been trying to come up with a plan, some way that would minimize his reaction. Should it be morning, so he has a day to digest it? Evening, after he's relaxed a bit and happy? Weekday, so work can distract him, or weekend so he has time to work through it in private?
Do I stay home when I tell him, or run back to Toronto as soon as I say the words, to give him space? Would leaving a letter behind, explaining everything, be better for me, easier on both of us? Will I have the strength to tell him, in the end, that I am gay?
Another night, I'm left feeling scared and cold and alone.
13 comments:
Hey.. I've been following your blog for a few weeks. First of all, not that this makes it easier, but you're not alone. There have been millions of guys in your situation in far, far worse times for gay guys that have come out to their families.
I know that doesn't make it any easier, but it's the truth. When I came out, my mom freaked out and cried anytime I brought it up. I still remember the look of revulsion on her face when I told her and I will never forget that. But that was then. Now, her and my dad regularly stay with us when they are in town. They are fond of Daryl and buy him birthday gifts and take us out for supper. They've come full around to acceptance. As much as your dad seems to be a closeminded asshole, some people react this way when even their son or daughter comes out. It's rocky, it sucks and it hurts. But give them time and it gets better.
Things mend, hearts change and minds are educated. I would guess that 95% of the time, a parent who reacts badly realizes this is their son or daughter and comes around. And if they don't... in the end can you really live a lie for the rest of your life? I realized I'd rather be hated for whom I was, then accepted for whom I wasn't. Take your time and come out on your terms, but just be true to yourself.
Lots of love...
-Todd
Sorry it didn't go better with your dad, and to echo the comment above, just give it more time.
My mom didn't take it that well, and my dad's phone call are less frequent than before- they just need more time. I see it like this: if I'm unhappy, everyone around me will be unhappy.
Give it more time- hang in there!
[ hugs ]
Dude, some harsh comments from your dad there. A lot of people point out that homophobic parents often change their tune somewhat upon finding out that it's their son or daughter who's facing the sort of prejudice that they support. I don't know whether that would be the case with your dad, but maybe having a real person (i.e. you) to associate with the world of homosexuality, it'll bring it home to him that there are real people out there - and not just the 'flaming queers' that he has in his head - that have to put up with biggotted crap from people like him.
It's impossible to say when's going to be a good time for you to come out to him. As you rightly point out, it may now be something that he's wondering about after the conversation you had. Whether that will prove to be a good thing when you finally choose to tell him, I don't know. Maybe you'll choose to wait a while longer - once you've finished college, you're 100% independent of your parents, and you're maybe in a steady relationship... At least that way you'll be able to rebuff some of the ideas he no doubt has in his mind about slutty gay guys sleeping around and catching STIs and suchlike...
However you choose to play it - good luck, and I hope it all works out for you in the end.
that is unacceptable. You're amazing for being able to test the waters with someone who said such horrible things.
Does your mom know your gay? And if she does, does she know what your dad thinks of them?
Don't really know what else to say but for you to be strong. By the sound of it, you want to just get it over with now. Don't tear yourself apart while you're waiting, it'll happen.
This may sound like I am playing the devil's advocate, but maybe you dad knows deep down who you are and is in denial. The words that he says may be his way of not having to accept the truths that scare him. You have to remember that he is just a man who, even at his age, can be confused and scared by things. He will always love you, no matter what he says. You have to realize though, that since you were born, he had an ideal, or a vision of who his son was going to be. He is probably still learning who you are as a man versus you as that little boy who ran to him when you skinned your knee. He is protective of you just the same though! Just try to step back and look at your father as just a man, and not your father. Once you see him through those eyes, you will understand how to approach him better.
Good luck! Love the blog and keep writing!
Well, that's a bit dramatic...
It will happen when it happens; probably on the day your father sees you on TV, in the Pride Parade making out with your boyfriend and shaking your ass on a float.
It always ends up like that.
Steven,
I remember awhile back when your grandparents upset you with take about "gays" and how your mom was actually supportive.....
When people only know thru what they read about different "groups" they can't speak from experience how they would really react to actually knowing someone in that "group".....mostly they accept what society allows them to know. Your mom reacted very differently to your pain.....use that as a strength in dealing with this.
One thing to remeber Steven is the length of time it took you to come to terms with you're sexuality. I think most gays & lesbians expect out parents to automatically accept us and forget the years it took us to deal with it. They need time too to think about it and realize the truth. They have to go through a process just like we did. They also have to grive for the son or daughter that they expected us to be and that is lost with this revelation. You definately planted the seed. You need to let you mother know what took place because she will surely get questions from your dad. Good luck and give it some time.
Hope everything goes well with your dad- it sounds like it may take some time, but it sounds like you handled the situation well and gave him some things to think about.
My dad, years after I was out to my family, confessed that one reason he found it hard to deal with his son being gay was that just before he was married, one of the guys in the wedding party, my mom's cousin, was sharing a room with him and made a pass at him.
He found that so awful he kept the memory and made it more than he should have.
I wonder if your dad has any secrets like that.
I totally agree with Bruce. We must have all taken our own time to finally come in terms with our sexuality. So the same goes for our parents too. They will need time to digest this new info. And most parents after knowing that their son or daughter is gay, will have the curiosity to know more about homosexuality and understand it. And through that process, they will be able to shed the many stereotypes associated with gays.
The best time to come out to your parents is when you are finally financially independent. I don't think having a steady relationship is important though that helps. Take your time, come out when you feel this is the moment you've been waiting for, and when you are finally done with it, give your parents the time they need.
By the way, I haven't yet come out to my parents and I don't how they will react when I finally tell them.
Hiya, hope you're doing alright... hope nothing bad has happened since the incident in this post.
Just hope that it's normal life getting in the way of blogging. Come back soon? :)
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