Be what you want to be, says the common phrase.
Everyone loves that one, that great Western ideal of choosing your life, your path. It was the driving mantra of youth since the '60's, when kids started really resisting their parents, fighting to create the life they wanted for themselves.
It really hits to the core of most contemporary culture. We are taught at the youngest ages that we should strive to reach our own goals, to aim for the moon and to do everything we can to make it happen. From Sesame Street onwards we are encouraged to be ourselves, to embrace difference and to make the best lives for ourselves possible.
Even my mother holds this ideal dear. She was listening to the radio a while ago to the song "Wild One" by Faith Hill. The lyrics roughly describe the trails of a young girl, asserting her independence from her parents by making her own choices. It touches on the hot button issues such as clothes, hair, rock music and choices in boyfriends...OK, not exactly 'controversial' topics, but things that traditionally kids and parents are at odds over, with both sides believing they are fundamentally right.
It even has the wonderful line, "Her parents' dreams went up in smoke..."
I watched as the song played. Mom's reaction was fascinating; she nodded and spoke-sang along with Faith, almost emoting a "You go girl!" smile on her face.
Pretty nice to believe that at one time my mother believed that.
But when did it change? When did the caveat get inserted, "You can be anything you want to be...as long as I approve."?
"When she was 3 years old on her daddy's knee, he said, 'You can be anything you want to be...'" That's a line, like I said, that has been drilled into the consciousness of every Western youngster. It's a basic belief of Western Liberalism, that we are all masters of our lives and indeed allowed to pursue any type of lifestyle we want to, and that's OK.
I find it infuriating when parents teach their children that ideology, then fall flat on their asses when it comes to following it through. Sure, you can squabble with your kids about how funny their hair is, and how bizarre their torn and frayed clothes are, but mostly they allow them to make their own choices.
What bothers me most is when parents have objections or really hard times in accepting what their grown children really want. Be it partners, or career paths, or even our favorite topic, sexuality, parents seem to forget that they encouraged their children to make their own choices earlier in life.
I understand where it comes from, in part. The parental drive to protect their children has become overly evident to me in recent months, and usually it's from the best possible intentions. But parents also need to learn to let go of full custody of their children's futures. Sure, we're all bound to make mistakes, but a parental "tisk-tisk" on the choice of boyfriend or girlfriend one has has very little merit, unless the partner has some serious personality flaws all but you can see.
Naturally, where I resent it most is when it comes to accepting one's sexuality. Part of 'being who you want to be' is embracing your natural sexuality. In the case of gays, it means actually having to declare your sexual preference in a world sometimes hostile to your choices. It seems like parents seem to drag their heels particularly badly when it comes to that acceptance.
I remember when my mother basically spat at me that I had 'made my choice' to be gay. I cleared up, rather angrily, that I was who I was, and it was something that I had no control over. I didn't choose to be gay, she didn't choose to be straight...it's just the way it is. When you put it in that black and white, it seems futile to argue against it, to resist accepting the decision of the other person.
What's more irritating is how parents seem to forget that open-minded attitude. It's one thing to take a little coaxing to come around on the issue, but quite another to flat out refuse to accept it.
Even to this day, I'm not sure how 'good' my mother is with the gay thing. She never really mentions it, ever. Not that I'm expecting her to ask, "How's the anal sex thing?", but I would like to know how she's adjusting to the whole thing. I just don't understand, can't understand why there is such resistance to this particular facet of my person. I grew up with the ideals I described above, yet they flew out the window the minute I came out.
She even acknowledged it that night, how she thought of herself as such an accepting person before I told her, how all through her career she really believed in it all. And she didn't say she stopped believing in it...she just, like me, couldn't understand what the problem, the hesitation with accepting my sexuality.
"You tell her life is hard, she says, 'That's alright.'" Faith sings.
You go girl.
6 comments:
AWESOME POST!!! Really enjoyed it and it makes me wonder how parents have caveats to that ideal.
Good post....but.....and there is almost alway a BUT. She has to deal with the information all by herself because you haven't shared it with you DAD.
I understand that it has to be up to you when you want to tell your father......but she is navigating this highway with a flat tire until you do.
It has been more than thirty years since my mother out me to herself through snooping in my mail. That was the day that I discovered parents believe the stuff they taught us about being anything we want to be - until they disagree with our discovery of who we are. I am still waiting for the day when my mother will want to know me for who I really am. I hope your mom doesn't wait that long.
Steve - I am not being mean, but really you have got to start thinking less about your mother and concentrate on YOU.
Well there must be a missing part, "You can be anything you want to be..., just check my list of "not-to-become" before making decisions."
and don't be too mad at your parents, it's hard to understand until you become one of them, you want your child to choose , but then you don't want them to make mistakes (mistakes have different definition in parenting dictionaries!)
I thought homosexuality would be one accepted fact in my own family but when i was planning my own marriage i simply will ask a babysitter for my baby to watch her on that day cos i didn't want to confuse her with a new meaning of wedding, sometimes you just don't wanna explain but you have very simple silly reasons for your opposition, surely all lame :-p
Hmn... I suppose there is always that invisible boundary that you will encounter even if you can't see it.
But your still very fortunate that you live in a society like this - where you at least get to choose your paths. What about those other cultures with different belief systems where parents carve their children's entire paths for them? I can't imagine living a life like that.
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