Identity...

The thing that I've never really understood is how people wind up joining 'groups' within society.

Take emo boys, for example. How does someone who grew up in the suburbs all of a sudden feel the compulsion to start putting on eyeliner and talking about their inner pain? Not only feel the compulsion, but actually learn all the different clothes and makeup techniques of the emo group, to be come intigrated into that scene.



I have always felt that I never really got thrown into a subgroup in society. Hell, I never felt like I've really been in any group in society, really. Mostly I've just felt like someone on the sidelines, nondescript, almost a blank canvas that has a rough outline but an indefineable style.

All through highschool, there were relatively few such identity groups. People were just either in the popular masses or not. I was not. When it came down to it, they were mostly washed down versions of skaters and preppie kids.

In theory, I was one of the most nonconformist kids around. I resisted the pangs of emo-dom, despised the idiocy of skaters and never understood the fetish of organized sports. I didn't listen to the popular music, didn't wear the in clothes, didn't 'fit' into what was then the norm of highshool life.

I remember reading something back then, a quote from some musician about the whole idea of the nonconformist youth. It went something along the lines of, "A kid wearing a suit and listening to Beethoven is truly the nonconformist, everybody else just thinks they are." It really resonated with me, and still does.

But when I came to Toronto, I could clearly see all sorts of different kinds of people. There are the trendy Queen West crowd, with their second hand clothes, tight jeans and frantic hair. Emo kids with black everything, ball-busting jeans and the occasional piercing. Hell, even the gays, the twinky boys in Baby Gap clothes, frosted everything and really high voices.

Somehow, through all this exposure to these little subgroups, I never became a part of any of them. While I always struggled with finding my identity, I never assumed one of these to feel more complete.

Most of that is because then, and still now, I have no idea how one becomes part of a community. How did the kid that moved to Toronto for university wind up becoming a trendy hipster? Where did they learn how to achieve the 'look', to meet similar people and develop that identity, something probably quite foregin to what they grew up with?

For me, the biggest part of this question is the gay part. I suppose it's the same as becoming an emo guy, or something similar. But what surprises me how seamlessly people seem to transition from what they were to flaming homo.

I imagine that there were lots of people who basically experienced what I did in life, but have somehow blended, learned how to be gay. Hundreds of gay kids flock to Toronto on a monthly basis to start school or look for work. They come from all over, but generally come from areas where there is nobody and nothing gay. Maybe they're just asserting their sexuality in this new environment, for the first time.

But how does that translate into becoming part of one of these subgroups in society? How did they go about meeting like-minded individuals, learning the subtle ways gays differentiate themselves with clothes and looks and everything in between.

I often wonder, while walking through the village, what people think of me. Do I come across as gay, or just some poor guy who's walked down the wrong street? Clearly I know realatively little about the gay community, but does it show really badly?

I guess what really confuses me is how someone, who has no history in this identity, grows into it so seamlessly (as it appears so many do). How do they learn the fashions, the behaviour, the signals, the language, after coming from a place where none of that existed?

Of course, people are always reinventing themselves, redefining who they are and what they want in life. But I really don't understand how the mostly blank slate of a 20 year old gets shaped so quickly and so throughally into an identity.

The natural explanation is influence from surrounding. As soon as you start hanging out with a crowd, you're going to pick up their traits, their language and their appearence. I get that, but my understanding was in order to be embraced by a group, you usually had to already be a part of it, or run the risk of being shut out because of the fact you don't 'belong'.

I would take the scenario of someone sidling up to a group of twinks at a club, who had very little idea of the customs and traditions that define these stick figures. So the 'outsider' attempts to learn about the values and traditions of these people, in the hopes that they find it quite enjoyable and a compatible identity. But while this is happening, it seems a pretty remote possibility that the established group are going to do anything but cut up the poor guy and hang him out to dry.

In some ways I would imagine that groups are so cliquey that they tend to shun outsiders and not be welcoming to new people. This is reinforced by the fact that generally people like the familiar and shun those who are not copies of themselves.

But in many ways, this can't be true, because the population of all these different groups would diminish and the trend would die away. Surely that happens to some, such as the grunge youths of the '90s, but from what I can tell twinks have existed for many, many years and don't seem to be going anywhere. So there must be some welcoming, passing of the torch of knowledge between people.

By now you're probably thinking that I'm clearly insane, ranting on about 'groups'. I don't see people as necessarily falling into just one type of person, or being completely defined by a social circle. But I am confused as to just how boys learn to put on eyeliner and squish their testicles into women's jeans, and all the while look like they've done it for their entire life.



I don't want to learn about the eyeliner, but I wouldn't mind at least learning how to be gay.