Restless...

I've had a very restless day, and it's irritating the shit out of me.

This past week has been really busy, with school and a few things going on in life. I haven't slept much...I think the only night I got several hours was Wednesday...which has left me pretty sleepy today.

The funny thing is, for the most part, I've been surrounded by people, which is something I usually am looking forward to doing. Alas, mostly it's been academically-infused time, meaning it's been more about me stressing through work than about me enjoying potential time with people.

My problem is that I burn out what I feel is too easily. I had this really busy week with no sleep, and for every day up until this morning that was OK. But just like that, I've reached my limit. After getting up at the unholy hour of 10 a.m. (I think I went to sleep at 5:30 a.m., but I honestly wasn't awake enough to see the time clearly) I decided that I wanted croissants.

Not wanted, needed. It became a bit of an obsession, practically the first thought that floated into my brain. I was going to take it easy today, and get croissants for breakfast. And coffee. And a copy of the New York Times.

I found myself not very far from a pastry shop I like this morning, so without so much as a shower I threw on yesterday's clothes and stalked out into the morning sunlight.

Indeed, I got my coffee, and my croissants, and my New York Times. But after I had my little stash, I just realized how drained I felt. The secondary plan of doing some shopping and enjoying some alone-time in the mall kind of fell away, replaced with this restless whisper.

Back on my couch, I ate and drank and read the paper, and generally felt quite relaxed. But then, it started itching again...that nonsense feeling...what exactly am I doing with myself and my time? I should be doing...well...anything. What's this whole ostrich head-in-the-sand thing?

I'm presuming it was brought on by my recent discussion with someone about siblings, and growing up an only child. For my whole life I've been comfortable enjoying time by myself; I actually need it, the time to just do little things in my own space and time. My singular upbringing was accented with a very single existence from the teen years until now...I've never really adapted to spending the majority of my time in the presence of someone else.

But what's stupid about it is the internal war that I seemed to have been fighting today. Part of me just wants to hide under the covers (which I tried, but couldn't fall asleep, dammit). Another part wants me to push myself to actually get out there and take advantage of the weekend and it's sunny glory. Both sides are driving me nuts.

It all adds up to this feeling of restlessness...even when thinking of the basic, like what to make for dinner, I'm not sure what path to follow. Do I make something semi-elaborate, and really enjoy it myself (alone), or do I spur-of-the-moment invite people to have it with me, or do I...

Gah, I think I'm just tired and stupefied by sleepiness.

I have to, within the next few hours, make a decision as to what I'm doing tonight as well. There's a birthday event that I'm pretty much expected to attend, and while I sort of want to, I also feel very little compulsion to go. I mean, there are going to be a whole bunch of people there that I don't really even know. Matter of fact, the only people I'm going to know are the host and her boyfriend.

She has, however, intrigued me enough that I might spend a bit more time there than planned. There's this friend of hers that I apparently remind her a lot of, so much so in fact that she's told him all about me. And, just to add pressure, he's really interested in meeting me too.

"Yeah, honestly you two are a lot alike," she said. "Two really classy guys. Except he's a lot more flamboyant than you are."

Wait, what? This is coming from a girl who I'm not entirely sure knows I'm gay, about a guy who I was under the impression is straight (or at least I thought that's what she said...). Now I magically have to go, looking good, in the off chance that I'm not a)reading into things wayyyy too much and b)overly-imaginative. How do you not look exhausted at night? C'mon, gays must have been doing it for years!

I guess it's a sign of maturity that I can say aloud, on this Saturday night, that I would consider staying in, reading, and probably falling asleep early as opposed to doing much of anything else. Then again, it's also one stone's throw away from shut-in...

Ah well, sounds like I'm going to a party where I know nobody, and I've got a reputation that to live up to.