Dammit!
Snow everywhere! I love snow, it's so beautiful as I look out the window, staring at the plane in front of me, I'm overwhelmed with blinding rage...
See, the plan was to fly to Ottawa tonight at 8, so I could be good and go to all my classes today. But wouldn't you know it, nothing goes according to plan. I was shoved to the 4 p.m. flight, since my later one was cancelled. Now I'm waiting in Porter's passenger lounge, which conveniently has terminals and internet access.
I don't know why I even bother trying to plan ahead, because if there's one life lesson I know, it's that plans often change unexpectedly. My family always plans vacations to the last detail, but nothing ever works out as it should. I guess I've gotten used to it now, since I rarely ever get away without some messups. But I'm still annoyed...
So the plan is to wait here until this evening, when I'll hopefully be put on a bus, taken to another airport, and then put on a plane. With any luck, I'll be in Ottawa by 9:30...like my original arrival time was supposed to be. But luck isn't exactly on my side today, so I'll have to wait and see.
Either way, you probably won't be hearing from me until after the weekend (again...I'm so sorry! I'll miss you too.) So until then, have a good one, and stay safe if you're in a bad-weather zone!
Thursday, March 1, 2007
Tuesday, February 27, 2007
I hate bad days...
And today was one of them. Or at least what I'd classify as a bad day.
It started at 7:11 when my clock rang and woke me from a sleep I had just finally fallen into. I don't usually have trouble sleeping, but some days I just can't stay asleep after 5, leaving me rolling around until I finally fall back to sleep. Normally this doesn't matter, because I don't have to get up at 7 usually...but today I did. I showered half asleep, tried to remember to get dressed properly, and threw myself out the door. But the entire ritual sucked. I just felt sleepy, and waking up alone sucked majorly. I never thought I'd become like this, all through High School and 1st Year I never thought I needed anyone, nor would I get used to anyone being there. This morning it was hard to take, after an evening of being alone, and a horribly grey morning to greet me.
I sat through a 2 hour lecture that really never grabbed my attention, but was looking forward to the end, when Rez Guy would hopefully walk by me and say hi. He did...walked right out the door talking with some girl...and didn't even notice I was there. Me being shy, and him not being alone, I didn't want to run up to him and have a laugh about our situation. So he walked by. I was semi-concerned about how I looked this morning, because I was hoping to see him and give him a good impression of me again, since we haven't met in probably 9 months.
Afterwards, I had lunch with a friend and waited for our class to start. That was a nice point of the day. The next class was only an hour, and was actually interesting. My prof even came over and talked to me for a few minutes (conversationally, not in a bad way)...I felt all special, since I got to sit with a group of friends and be social. Immediately afterwards I had a group project to start working on, which I did...
The first bad thing was that the entire group couldn't meet at the same time. So I started working with 2 other people, then one of them left, then the other went to get supplies...while she was gone, her phone rang, and she got a voicemail. So when we're all back together, she pulls up the voicemail on speakerphone so we can hear our 4th member's message.
"Blah blah blah...meet this address...oh and I don't think we should let Steve do any of the talking because..." She snapped the phone closed, exhaling slowly.
My 2 other groupies looked shocked, so I must have looked pretty pissed. They reassured me that nothing I've done has been bad/wrong, and that the 4th member is being a bitch. But I insisted on hearing the message. Essentially, 4th member felt that I didn't do a good job the last time we were speaking with someone, and decided that she should do the talking from now on, which isn't her job at all.
I know you need thick skin, and I always want to know the truth about what people say about me, but I have to admit I was really hurt. When I criticize people, I always word it so they aren't exactly implicated as being bad at their job, just needing some help or direction. I guess I'm just soft...but it threw me, as we made our way to an undesclosed office building for our meeting, I lost a lot of confidence in what I was about to do.
I'm a natural speaker (apparently). I don't need speeches written down, or elaborate storyboards to wrap my head around something. Give me the facts, and I'll fill in the rest. In High School it was an undiscovered talent, since I never did any public speaking outside the classroom. But in Grade 12, I was asked to give the goodbye message from my grade to the Music Program at our annual spring concert (I'm a band nerd, now the world knows!).
I stood up, and talked. And people all looked and were amazed that timid Steve, who's super-smart but not really all that outgoing, was able to speak so professionally, but still keep it from the heart.
A month later, I was doing it again, this time at graduation. I was nominated for Valedictorian, had no chance of winning, but was the 'Music' representative, with the other nominees sourced from Sports and Student Council. As luck would have it, the elected Valedictorian wasn't in the country at our ceremony, so the nominees were asked to speak about their experiences at school.
I was the second last, if I remember, and wasn't overly scared. The music concert was one thing, they were my friends, but this was the entire grade. I talked about how everyone found their niche at school, and how people of all different interests could still put it aside and live together. It wasn't a ground-shaking speech, but (naturally) it was the best of the four. I got so many compliments that night, and the following week, it was actually a real boost for my self-esteem. Apparently some parent leaned over to my Dad at the end of the speech, and said, "There's the next Prime Minister..." And this guy isn't a loser, he's influential in our Healthcare System.
Anyway...back to today. I was hurt and the most unsure about my abilities that I've been since coming to school. And I shouldn't have been, because the girl is a twit and none of us liked working with her. But why did I let myself get so down!?
Then I texted Brian, since I'm missing him (you know it's been over 24 hours!...its around 36 right now), but I forgot he had to work tonight. So I finally got to come home, only after grabbing comfort food from Harvey's, and feel shitty. I hope Lisa's around tonight because we always hang out with her roomies Tuesday nights...but I haven't talked to her yet, and she's super-stressed about school, and no doubt will need to work tonight.
So I find myself now wanting company to take my mind off of this not so spectacular day. I only have to survive two more (much more intense) days, and I'm off to Ottawa Thursday night. It's almost worse that I've actually started being happy by seeing someone, because now it makes the nights alone even more boring. The lonliness is so much more potent now that I've had a taste of being with someone.
It started at 7:11 when my clock rang and woke me from a sleep I had just finally fallen into. I don't usually have trouble sleeping, but some days I just can't stay asleep after 5, leaving me rolling around until I finally fall back to sleep. Normally this doesn't matter, because I don't have to get up at 7 usually...but today I did. I showered half asleep, tried to remember to get dressed properly, and threw myself out the door. But the entire ritual sucked. I just felt sleepy, and waking up alone sucked majorly. I never thought I'd become like this, all through High School and 1st Year I never thought I needed anyone, nor would I get used to anyone being there. This morning it was hard to take, after an evening of being alone, and a horribly grey morning to greet me.
I sat through a 2 hour lecture that really never grabbed my attention, but was looking forward to the end, when Rez Guy would hopefully walk by me and say hi. He did...walked right out the door talking with some girl...and didn't even notice I was there. Me being shy, and him not being alone, I didn't want to run up to him and have a laugh about our situation. So he walked by. I was semi-concerned about how I looked this morning, because I was hoping to see him and give him a good impression of me again, since we haven't met in probably 9 months.
Afterwards, I had lunch with a friend and waited for our class to start. That was a nice point of the day. The next class was only an hour, and was actually interesting. My prof even came over and talked to me for a few minutes (conversationally, not in a bad way)...I felt all special, since I got to sit with a group of friends and be social. Immediately afterwards I had a group project to start working on, which I did...
The first bad thing was that the entire group couldn't meet at the same time. So I started working with 2 other people, then one of them left, then the other went to get supplies...while she was gone, her phone rang, and she got a voicemail. So when we're all back together, she pulls up the voicemail on speakerphone so we can hear our 4th member's message.
"Blah blah blah...meet this address...oh and I don't think we should let Steve do any of the talking because..." She snapped the phone closed, exhaling slowly.
My 2 other groupies looked shocked, so I must have looked pretty pissed. They reassured me that nothing I've done has been bad/wrong, and that the 4th member is being a bitch. But I insisted on hearing the message. Essentially, 4th member felt that I didn't do a good job the last time we were speaking with someone, and decided that she should do the talking from now on, which isn't her job at all.
I know you need thick skin, and I always want to know the truth about what people say about me, but I have to admit I was really hurt. When I criticize people, I always word it so they aren't exactly implicated as being bad at their job, just needing some help or direction. I guess I'm just soft...but it threw me, as we made our way to an undesclosed office building for our meeting, I lost a lot of confidence in what I was about to do.
I'm a natural speaker (apparently). I don't need speeches written down, or elaborate storyboards to wrap my head around something. Give me the facts, and I'll fill in the rest. In High School it was an undiscovered talent, since I never did any public speaking outside the classroom. But in Grade 12, I was asked to give the goodbye message from my grade to the Music Program at our annual spring concert (I'm a band nerd, now the world knows!).
I stood up, and talked. And people all looked and were amazed that timid Steve, who's super-smart but not really all that outgoing, was able to speak so professionally, but still keep it from the heart.
A month later, I was doing it again, this time at graduation. I was nominated for Valedictorian, had no chance of winning, but was the 'Music' representative, with the other nominees sourced from Sports and Student Council. As luck would have it, the elected Valedictorian wasn't in the country at our ceremony, so the nominees were asked to speak about their experiences at school.
I was the second last, if I remember, and wasn't overly scared. The music concert was one thing, they were my friends, but this was the entire grade. I talked about how everyone found their niche at school, and how people of all different interests could still put it aside and live together. It wasn't a ground-shaking speech, but (naturally) it was the best of the four. I got so many compliments that night, and the following week, it was actually a real boost for my self-esteem. Apparently some parent leaned over to my Dad at the end of the speech, and said, "There's the next Prime Minister..." And this guy isn't a loser, he's influential in our Healthcare System.
Anyway...back to today. I was hurt and the most unsure about my abilities that I've been since coming to school. And I shouldn't have been, because the girl is a twit and none of us liked working with her. But why did I let myself get so down!?
Then I texted Brian, since I'm missing him (you know it's been over 24 hours!...its around 36 right now), but I forgot he had to work tonight. So I finally got to come home, only after grabbing comfort food from Harvey's, and feel shitty. I hope Lisa's around tonight because we always hang out with her roomies Tuesday nights...but I haven't talked to her yet, and she's super-stressed about school, and no doubt will need to work tonight.
So I find myself now wanting company to take my mind off of this not so spectacular day. I only have to survive two more (much more intense) days, and I'm off to Ottawa Thursday night. It's almost worse that I've actually started being happy by seeing someone, because now it makes the nights alone even more boring. The lonliness is so much more potent now that I've had a taste of being with someone.
Monday, February 26, 2007
Update on Rez Guy...
So tonight I bit then inevitable bullet and talked to Rez Guy.
I'd wanted to all last week, but he wasn't online since he left town for reading week. And since I haven't been around either, I decided to jump online tonight and see if he was there. Sure enough, he was, but set to away, so I didn't message him.
A minute later, he messaged me, something along the lines of "finally!"
We chatted for a few mintues about our reading weeks, then he asked what school I go to.
"I've gotta come clean with you...fate/circumstance is a funny thing. We actually know each other...well, not really friends, but we do know each other. I didn't want to say anything before, because I was waiting till I talked to you on msn."
A minute went by, with me holding my breath.
"Awesome i'm a huge fan of the fate connections. So please enlighten me."
"The second thing is that I'm not exactly out, I am to some but not fully yet, so I'd have to ask for your confidence."
"Okay. No problem most of my friends aren't out either."
It degenerated to 'how do I know you', with me telling him school, residence, residence building, floor...then he listed off guys.
"omg you're Steve! okay I can't believe this because I totally just never thought that n e one else on our floor was haha."
I said how I didn't exactly broadcast it last year, and how we never really spent any time together, how would he know? But he was really blown away by the fact there was another gay/bi guy on our floor last year. It was a little odd, since I was expecting to be embraced a little better than that...but I guess it was a bit of a shock.
Then I complimented him on how I had a slight crush last year, and still found him cute. He laughed and said thanks. I asked him what he exactly messaged me for in the first place, sex or something else.
"Cuz I don't know any gay people in the city except for the few I've slept with. Well I'm not usually one to just hook up with randoms but seeing as i already know u...well it seems as if we're both on the same level on that one haha."
And all of a sudden, he says he's going to bed. He's got class tomorrow...and I realized he has the same class I do. So we talked for a few minutes, and then he said goodnight.
Well, it went almost as well as I could have hoped. He's fine with the not being out thing, he seems interested in maybe fooling around...but then he just slammed on the brakes. And again, me being me, I don't know what to do. We're pretty different people, he's super-outgoing, and I don't know what I exactly want to do with him. I'd be fufilling a fantasy if I actually got him in bed, which would be amazing, but he admitted he was looking to make friends with gay guys. But he also was encouraging on the bed front...
I guess I want it all (as usual). I really do want to sleep with him, and maybe start a friendship with him. But I just don't know if we're compatible people...and he wasn't exactly forthcoming about what he wants. So I guess tomorrow I'll see if I can get him to breakfast with me after class, or coffee...and if that doesn't work, maybe dinner next week. He did say he'd be interested in getting to know me too, now that 'fate has interveined' and shoved us together. But as I say, he wasn't clear about how he'd like to proceed.
I'd wanted to all last week, but he wasn't online since he left town for reading week. And since I haven't been around either, I decided to jump online tonight and see if he was there. Sure enough, he was, but set to away, so I didn't message him.
A minute later, he messaged me, something along the lines of "finally!"
We chatted for a few mintues about our reading weeks, then he asked what school I go to.
"I've gotta come clean with you...fate/circumstance is a funny thing. We actually know each other...well, not really friends, but we do know each other. I didn't want to say anything before, because I was waiting till I talked to you on msn."
A minute went by, with me holding my breath.
"Awesome i'm a huge fan of the fate connections. So please enlighten me."
"The second thing is that I'm not exactly out, I am to some but not fully yet, so I'd have to ask for your confidence."
"Okay. No problem most of my friends aren't out either."
It degenerated to 'how do I know you', with me telling him school, residence, residence building, floor...then he listed off guys.
"omg you're Steve! okay I can't believe this because I totally just never thought that n e one else on our floor was haha."
I said how I didn't exactly broadcast it last year, and how we never really spent any time together, how would he know? But he was really blown away by the fact there was another gay/bi guy on our floor last year. It was a little odd, since I was expecting to be embraced a little better than that...but I guess it was a bit of a shock.
Then I complimented him on how I had a slight crush last year, and still found him cute. He laughed and said thanks. I asked him what he exactly messaged me for in the first place, sex or something else.
"Cuz I don't know any gay people in the city except for the few I've slept with. Well I'm not usually one to just hook up with randoms but seeing as i already know u...well it seems as if we're both on the same level on that one haha."
And all of a sudden, he says he's going to bed. He's got class tomorrow...and I realized he has the same class I do. So we talked for a few minutes, and then he said goodnight.
Well, it went almost as well as I could have hoped. He's fine with the not being out thing, he seems interested in maybe fooling around...but then he just slammed on the brakes. And again, me being me, I don't know what to do. We're pretty different people, he's super-outgoing, and I don't know what I exactly want to do with him. I'd be fufilling a fantasy if I actually got him in bed, which would be amazing, but he admitted he was looking to make friends with gay guys. But he also was encouraging on the bed front...
I guess I want it all (as usual). I really do want to sleep with him, and maybe start a friendship with him. But I just don't know if we're compatible people...and he wasn't exactly forthcoming about what he wants. So I guess tomorrow I'll see if I can get him to breakfast with me after class, or coffee...and if that doesn't work, maybe dinner next week. He did say he'd be interested in getting to know me too, now that 'fate has interveined' and shoved us together. But as I say, he wasn't clear about how he'd like to proceed.
Sunday, February 25, 2007
Another weekend is behind me...
Life goes in crazy bursts. For days I was busy, running around Toronto with friends, shopping, watching movies, doing touristy stuff…and for the past few days I’ve been doing nothing.
Having gone home to small-town-bum-fuck-nowhere for the last few days of reading week, I didn’t make any big plans. I didn’t want to, really, because I needed to have some rest and relaxation, and maybe do some homework considering I’m on a study break. And that’s been the case, not a lot has gone on. My grandparents came to visit yesterday, so we did the whole ‘family day’ thing, which I always love, except when they tell the same stories they told you last time…
I’m also getting a little stressed about school. This semester has been bizarre, I have less class than last semester, due to the fact I’m taking only 'required courses' except for one elective. But the required courses aren’t like normal ones, I don’t have to go to lectures, then write an essay, then do an exam. I have to hand in assignments on a much more regular basis, and do lots of different types of research, and unfortunately, group assignments.
I don’t even know why I’m worrying about school. I’m smart and good at it. But I'm an inherent worrier, and as much as I try to adopt the attitude of the brash University student, who says "Fuck you work!" I never am able to. I don't worry about work until I procrastonate (another University talent) to the point where I start to feel a huge amount of pressure. Even though I know I'll be able to pull everything off, and do well at it, and make excellent points, I still get worried for some reason. Ugh, stupid personality!
But tonight I'm putting it all again behind me. I'm back in Toronto, Brian is back, and we've made plans to hang out. We both miss each other, with him actually verbalizing "I miss you a lot and can't wait to see you" and me asking him what he's doing tonight. Honestly, I'm getting scared. I don't know why, because this is exactly what I fucking want. Someone who I miss, who misses me, and who I can't wait to see again. But dammit, I don't want to move things too quickly, to make things between us too comfortable, because I don't want to end up hurting him (or being hurt myself) if I decide that there's someone else I'm more interested in.
Maybe I'll broach the issue of what exactly we are. I say we're dating, becuase that's what it is really, we haven't done any of the 'couply stuff', and it hasn't remotely been long enough for us to develop any feelings for each other. I think. But then I don't really know about all this...
See, in High School I never really did the dating thing. Not by choice, of course, but because I was never interested in anyone, or there was nobody interested in me. So I went through so many years lonely. Then there was Laura, whose relationhip I already described. There was someone else this summer, but we weren't 'dating' per se, we just spent almost every weekend together and often spent the night with each other.
So I don't know how responisble, mature adults date. Is there a guideline? Are you supposed to go out/spend time with X, then repeat with Y and Z, then 'choose' which one you want to be your boyfriend? Am I allowed to be all Highschool-esque with Brian, and still see other people?
The bottom line is, since Brian isn't playing the field, I don't want to be a bastard and hurt him because I don't know what I'm doing.
Having gone home to small-town-bum-fuck-nowhere for the last few days of reading week, I didn’t make any big plans. I didn’t want to, really, because I needed to have some rest and relaxation, and maybe do some homework considering I’m on a study break. And that’s been the case, not a lot has gone on. My grandparents came to visit yesterday, so we did the whole ‘family day’ thing, which I always love, except when they tell the same stories they told you last time…
I’m also getting a little stressed about school. This semester has been bizarre, I have less class than last semester, due to the fact I’m taking only 'required courses' except for one elective. But the required courses aren’t like normal ones, I don’t have to go to lectures, then write an essay, then do an exam. I have to hand in assignments on a much more regular basis, and do lots of different types of research, and unfortunately, group assignments.
I don’t even know why I’m worrying about school. I’m smart and good at it. But I'm an inherent worrier, and as much as I try to adopt the attitude of the brash University student, who says "Fuck you work!" I never am able to. I don't worry about work until I procrastonate (another University talent) to the point where I start to feel a huge amount of pressure. Even though I know I'll be able to pull everything off, and do well at it, and make excellent points, I still get worried for some reason. Ugh, stupid personality!
But tonight I'm putting it all again behind me. I'm back in Toronto, Brian is back, and we've made plans to hang out. We both miss each other, with him actually verbalizing "I miss you a lot and can't wait to see you" and me asking him what he's doing tonight. Honestly, I'm getting scared. I don't know why, because this is exactly what I fucking want. Someone who I miss, who misses me, and who I can't wait to see again. But dammit, I don't want to move things too quickly, to make things between us too comfortable, because I don't want to end up hurting him (or being hurt myself) if I decide that there's someone else I'm more interested in.
Maybe I'll broach the issue of what exactly we are. I say we're dating, becuase that's what it is really, we haven't done any of the 'couply stuff', and it hasn't remotely been long enough for us to develop any feelings for each other. I think. But then I don't really know about all this...
See, in High School I never really did the dating thing. Not by choice, of course, but because I was never interested in anyone, or there was nobody interested in me. So I went through so many years lonely. Then there was Laura, whose relationhip I already described. There was someone else this summer, but we weren't 'dating' per se, we just spent almost every weekend together and often spent the night with each other.
So I don't know how responisble, mature adults date. Is there a guideline? Are you supposed to go out/spend time with X, then repeat with Y and Z, then 'choose' which one you want to be your boyfriend? Am I allowed to be all Highschool-esque with Brian, and still see other people?
The bottom line is, since Brian isn't playing the field, I don't want to be a bastard and hurt him because I don't know what I'm doing.
Friday, February 23, 2007
Harder, harder...
So how much is too much sex?
I’d gotten sexual histories from some of the guys I’ve talked to online, but some of the guys that I’d talked to were just starting to explore their sexualities. Some had never done anything, others had experiences with ‘friends from high school’, others still had gotten blow jobs or topped a few guys. But until recently, I’d never met anyone who was out and fully active.
If you remember my Valentines Night, I went over to Brian’s place and happened to meet his roommate, Ryan. Ryan is cute, tall, and very scene. He also has a very active sex life, something that Brian didn’t take long in explaining to me, and how they’re so very different in that respect.
In almost everything else, Brian and Ryan are alike. I could tell by the way he talked about him that they generally were very close, and it’s sweet. But then he talked about their ‘roommate drama’…something that I was very interested to hear about.
As it stands, Ryan is very horny all the time (aren’t we all though?). Where some do nothing about it, and others masturbate, Ryan takes a more active approach. On average, he invites at least one ‘friend’ over each night of the week…and he’s usually just met this ‘friend’ an hour before online.
Now, I’m a fan of hookups. Hell, if it weren’t for the internet, I’d still be a basket-case under-sexed chronic masturbator (surprisingly enough, I still jerk off plenty). But this takes hookups to a new level.
Brian told me the story about how one night, one guy was buzzing up from their lobby just as the second guest of the evening was stepping out their front door. Ryan, disheveled from the sex he’d just had, dashed into the bathroom to shower while the second guy was getting let into the building.
At first, I was in awe. ‘This is so cool!’ I thought to myself. This guy is a student in an intense program, maintains a social life, and has a never-ending supply of hot guys coming to have sex with him. Isn’t that everyone’s dream!?
But as the stories kept coming, I became more and more disturbed by the fact that he’s a sexual maniac. Not that his sex life is ultra-kinky or employs dangerous techniques, but he seems to be really sex obsessed. As Brian said, “It’s like his hobby. He comes home from work, goes online, and finds guys to sleep with. Then he does his homework.”
Even still, when I think about him, I get turned on by the idea of having that much sex. He makes life look pretty glamorous. But behind the sexy stories are disturbing ones too.
One day the two of them packed off and went to the clinic to get tested. Brian apparently made the nurse a little amused with the fact that his sexual history is pretty tame. He got his tests done, everything was clear, and was back in the waiting room.
Ryan, on the other hand, was not as clean. He came out smirking, holding bottles of pills and shaking his head from a lecture about sexual safety he’d just received. He hadn’t tested Positive, but had contracted a few common-place STD’s. And apparently this wasn’t the first time.
“But doesn’t it bother him? I mean, he’s a smart guy, he should know a little better about safety,” I’d said, feeling the amazement quickly deflate.
“Oh, you’d think. But he just doesn’t care.”
So where does it all stand with this sex stuff? Thinking about it, I drew a few conclusions.
Hooking up online is still hooking up, no matter how few times you do it. It carries some dangers, the most obvious being the risk of becoming infected with disease. There are of course preventative measures that you should take, and generally you shouldn’t sleep with someone who gives you the creeps or whose integrity you question.
But at the same time, how do you justify the volume of these hookups? On one hand, if you hook up once in a while, isn’t it the same as hooking up every night? You’re still putting yourself on the line, even if it’s a number of times less than every day. On the other, you can justify the fact that you’re picking up, because you really just want to have sex.
Another way of looking at it is in comparison to trying to get picked up at a bar. Each weeknight, guys of all ages head out to local bars. Is it just to dance? For some, yes, it’s about going out with friends, having a good time and getting a little drunk. But for many others, it’s about scouting for Mr.Right-Now.
That too caries the same risks as meeting someone online. But why is it more socially acceptable to ‘go home with someone’ from a club than it is to get picked up online?
And what are we saying overall? That if we didn’t have to worry at all about disease or HIV, we would and could have sex with someone new every day?
Why do we care about frequency so much, and so many partners? The answer is clear, because people like to have sex. But why did I become so fascinated with Ryan’s active sex life, then a little repulsed by it? How many times a week/month/year should you have sex with someone new?
In trying to figure out my sexual identity, I’ve thought a lot about the random sex thing. It’s just something that’s normal for the gay community, and something that I don’t really mind partaking in. Obviously I have my standards; I’m not sleeping with the first person to message me just because I want sex. I look for guys who I think are hot, and always ask about their health. Of course, people can lie, but so far the guy’s I’ve met are pretty standup guys.
I don’t want to hook up with someone new every day, because it takes too much time, energy and often is complicated because I can’t host. Also, it feels excessive.
But why do I want to in the first place? I had to in January because I needed to finally experience sex with a guy. Now is it that I just want to keep on having sex? And why, when I now have Brian to spend a night with, do I still find myself checking out other guys online? Does part of finding out my identity include getting a few guys ‘under my belt’?
There is, after all, the timid small-town side of my personality. I’m from a place where sex isn’t discussed except amongst teenagers, and the idea is you sleep with people who you’re in love with. But there exists the urban side too, that wants to have lots of sex with hot guys, have three-ways or group sex and generally enjoy myself in my sexual prime.
Jamie told me long ago that it’s different for each individual. Some want monogamy with a person they really care for. Others sleep with anyone at any time. There are guys who have the occasional fling, but keep them few and far between. Is it just a media stereotype, perpetuated by the scene, that guys are always hooking up with each other, and that it is in fact encouraged?
In truth, I don’t know where to go from here. But I’d love to know what your sexual modus operendi is. Please, leave an anonymous comment (yes, they are truly anonymous) and let me know what the ‘average guy’ does.
I’d gotten sexual histories from some of the guys I’ve talked to online, but some of the guys that I’d talked to were just starting to explore their sexualities. Some had never done anything, others had experiences with ‘friends from high school’, others still had gotten blow jobs or topped a few guys. But until recently, I’d never met anyone who was out and fully active.
If you remember my Valentines Night, I went over to Brian’s place and happened to meet his roommate, Ryan. Ryan is cute, tall, and very scene. He also has a very active sex life, something that Brian didn’t take long in explaining to me, and how they’re so very different in that respect.
In almost everything else, Brian and Ryan are alike. I could tell by the way he talked about him that they generally were very close, and it’s sweet. But then he talked about their ‘roommate drama’…something that I was very interested to hear about.
As it stands, Ryan is very horny all the time (aren’t we all though?). Where some do nothing about it, and others masturbate, Ryan takes a more active approach. On average, he invites at least one ‘friend’ over each night of the week…and he’s usually just met this ‘friend’ an hour before online.
Now, I’m a fan of hookups. Hell, if it weren’t for the internet, I’d still be a basket-case under-sexed chronic masturbator (surprisingly enough, I still jerk off plenty). But this takes hookups to a new level.
Brian told me the story about how one night, one guy was buzzing up from their lobby just as the second guest of the evening was stepping out their front door. Ryan, disheveled from the sex he’d just had, dashed into the bathroom to shower while the second guy was getting let into the building.
At first, I was in awe. ‘This is so cool!’ I thought to myself. This guy is a student in an intense program, maintains a social life, and has a never-ending supply of hot guys coming to have sex with him. Isn’t that everyone’s dream!?
But as the stories kept coming, I became more and more disturbed by the fact that he’s a sexual maniac. Not that his sex life is ultra-kinky or employs dangerous techniques, but he seems to be really sex obsessed. As Brian said, “It’s like his hobby. He comes home from work, goes online, and finds guys to sleep with. Then he does his homework.”
Even still, when I think about him, I get turned on by the idea of having that much sex. He makes life look pretty glamorous. But behind the sexy stories are disturbing ones too.
One day the two of them packed off and went to the clinic to get tested. Brian apparently made the nurse a little amused with the fact that his sexual history is pretty tame. He got his tests done, everything was clear, and was back in the waiting room.
Ryan, on the other hand, was not as clean. He came out smirking, holding bottles of pills and shaking his head from a lecture about sexual safety he’d just received. He hadn’t tested Positive, but had contracted a few common-place STD’s. And apparently this wasn’t the first time.
“But doesn’t it bother him? I mean, he’s a smart guy, he should know a little better about safety,” I’d said, feeling the amazement quickly deflate.
“Oh, you’d think. But he just doesn’t care.”
So where does it all stand with this sex stuff? Thinking about it, I drew a few conclusions.
Hooking up online is still hooking up, no matter how few times you do it. It carries some dangers, the most obvious being the risk of becoming infected with disease. There are of course preventative measures that you should take, and generally you shouldn’t sleep with someone who gives you the creeps or whose integrity you question.
But at the same time, how do you justify the volume of these hookups? On one hand, if you hook up once in a while, isn’t it the same as hooking up every night? You’re still putting yourself on the line, even if it’s a number of times less than every day. On the other, you can justify the fact that you’re picking up, because you really just want to have sex.
Another way of looking at it is in comparison to trying to get picked up at a bar. Each weeknight, guys of all ages head out to local bars. Is it just to dance? For some, yes, it’s about going out with friends, having a good time and getting a little drunk. But for many others, it’s about scouting for Mr.Right-Now.
That too caries the same risks as meeting someone online. But why is it more socially acceptable to ‘go home with someone’ from a club than it is to get picked up online?
And what are we saying overall? That if we didn’t have to worry at all about disease or HIV, we would and could have sex with someone new every day?
Why do we care about frequency so much, and so many partners? The answer is clear, because people like to have sex. But why did I become so fascinated with Ryan’s active sex life, then a little repulsed by it? How many times a week/month/year should you have sex with someone new?
In trying to figure out my sexual identity, I’ve thought a lot about the random sex thing. It’s just something that’s normal for the gay community, and something that I don’t really mind partaking in. Obviously I have my standards; I’m not sleeping with the first person to message me just because I want sex. I look for guys who I think are hot, and always ask about their health. Of course, people can lie, but so far the guy’s I’ve met are pretty standup guys.
I don’t want to hook up with someone new every day, because it takes too much time, energy and often is complicated because I can’t host. Also, it feels excessive.
But why do I want to in the first place? I had to in January because I needed to finally experience sex with a guy. Now is it that I just want to keep on having sex? And why, when I now have Brian to spend a night with, do I still find myself checking out other guys online? Does part of finding out my identity include getting a few guys ‘under my belt’?
There is, after all, the timid small-town side of my personality. I’m from a place where sex isn’t discussed except amongst teenagers, and the idea is you sleep with people who you’re in love with. But there exists the urban side too, that wants to have lots of sex with hot guys, have three-ways or group sex and generally enjoy myself in my sexual prime.
Jamie told me long ago that it’s different for each individual. Some want monogamy with a person they really care for. Others sleep with anyone at any time. There are guys who have the occasional fling, but keep them few and far between. Is it just a media stereotype, perpetuated by the scene, that guys are always hooking up with each other, and that it is in fact encouraged?
In truth, I don’t know where to go from here. But I’d love to know what your sexual modus operendi is. Please, leave an anonymous comment (yes, they are truly anonymous) and let me know what the ‘average guy’ does.
Reading week (part 2)...
Kyle stepped into the bathroom, and I put some porn on my computer. I mean, it wasn’t like we were having intimate, personal sex together, we were going to jack off with our new toys, and it’d be nice to have some good steamy sex going on in front of us. Besides, with the sex from the night before, I wasn’t exactly eager to have a repeat performance.
With both of us lubed up and ready to go, I grabbed my stimulator and slid it into my ass. It’s not a big thing, so I had no trouble getting it in, and immediately it felt good. It rubbed my prostate, releasing that great feeling, and quickening my pulse. I reached for the control, and clicked it on…
The vibrator came to life, sending waves into my ass, and causing me to let out some pretty good moans. Kyle looked at me and started to laugh, and I shot him a pissed off glance (or as best as I could with my eyes rolling up in my skull). He had noooo idea how good this was. Another click, and I was on #2, massaging my cock and the wand in my ass.
Somewhere along the line Kyle had started putting his butt plug in. I asked if he’d had anything in there before, and got the standard reply of ‘a finger or two’. I made sure he had enough lube, and told him to relax and let his muscles ease open. He did, and after a few minutes he had most of it in. I tried explaining how it might hurt the inner ring of the anus when he passed it over the last big part of the plug, and to just slide it out or let it sit when he felt tingling or pain. He was really good about it, and finally popped the whole thing in, and began to jerk off.
Meanwhile, I had moved up to #3, and was feeling pretty fine. The vibrations were strong but not intense, and it felt great to slide the wand ever so slightly across the inner part of my ass. Finally, I went to #4, and felt my balls start to well. Kyle put a hand on my abs, and laughed.
“Dude, you can feel that thing inside you!” he said, which I’m sure was fascinating to him, but very irrelevant to me at that moment.
I came hard, but not with as much volume as I’d predicted. I sat a moment longer, slowing the vibrator down a click at a time, until it was finally off. We cleaned ourselves up, I went to give the toys a wash in my sink, and we were off to Lisa’s for dinner.
Wednesday was more touristy things, another movie, this time Dr.No, playing at the Bloor Cinema. I love the Bloor, it plays all sorts of classics, and it’s so much fun to see old movies on actual film through an actual projector. True, the print was a bit faded, and sometimes scratched to all hell, but it’s still great. Unfortuantely the immature audience that was attracted to a James Bond movie couldn’t stop laughing whenever either a trademark line was uttered or scratches danced across Sean Connery’s torso.
While walking around later, we crossed paths again with the Stag Shop (though this time not the Church St. location), and I jokingly told Lisa to go in and buy a vibrator.
“Well, I’d get one, if I was having sex. But I’m not, so I don’t want to buy one yet.”
So I suggested she get a clitoral vibrator and buzz the hell out of herself without insertion. She laughed at first, but turned and went into the store. We browsed for a while, finally giving up and heading out the door again. But when we hit the street, she said that maybe it wasn’t such a bad idea that she bought one after all…which was the reason we’d gone in the first place, but she obviously hadn’t totally grasped that part.
That evening I had made plans away from my guest, since he and Lisa had also made separate arrangements. But theirs were cancelled, so the three of us went to a jazz bar to meet with a high school friend of mine. It worked out quite well, because I talked to my friend, while Lisa and Kyle chatted across from us. Nobody felt left out, but it wasn’t like we had to encourage conversation between people.
I was pretty drunk by the time Kyle and I landed back in the apartment. I was tired, and quite frankly, less and less interested in having any more sex with him. I told him that I really didn’t want to that night, but come Thursday morning we’d have some fun before packing him up and sending him home.
I woke up at 8 after another fitful sleep, not really looking forward to the inevitable fooling around. I just can’t believe how unskilled he is…he’s been out longer than me, had a boyfriend or two, and still isn’t really good at much. Not to say that I am, but I felt a lot more competent than he acted.
I gave him a great blowjob, practically taking his entire cock down my throat, and very nearly triggering my gag reflex, which would have been an awful scene. Not that Kyle noticed, since he was moaning and had his eyes closed, but I would have been beyond embarrassed to dry-heave (or worse) into the garbadge can beside my desk.
When we both had finished, and collapsed onto the bed, he wrapped his arms around me again. ‘Great,’ I thought. ‘All I need right now is for him to be all lovey-dovey, when I don’t even want to be in bed with him anymore…’
“Thank you Steve. Thanks for everything. It was a great week,” was what he said.
I smiled, and told him he was more than welcome, and it was a fun time, and how it’d be strange not having him around anymore. But inside I was secretly pretty satisfied that I wouldn’t have to worry about him anymore, or have to deal with the possibility of him becoming interested (or being interested…I’m not sure how much he ‘liked’ me).
We had one more meal together, and then we packed off and went our separate ways. We said goodbye much the same way we said hello, with a handshake and a hug, and very few words between us.
I’m now at home, set to enjoy the last few days of my break as quietly as possible. No guys, no sex, just me back in the environment that seemed to bring out the deepest questions in me. Oh, and my prostate stimulator. Well, there was no sense leaving it in my drawer for the rest of the week, you know…
With both of us lubed up and ready to go, I grabbed my stimulator and slid it into my ass. It’s not a big thing, so I had no trouble getting it in, and immediately it felt good. It rubbed my prostate, releasing that great feeling, and quickening my pulse. I reached for the control, and clicked it on…
The vibrator came to life, sending waves into my ass, and causing me to let out some pretty good moans. Kyle looked at me and started to laugh, and I shot him a pissed off glance (or as best as I could with my eyes rolling up in my skull). He had noooo idea how good this was. Another click, and I was on #2, massaging my cock and the wand in my ass.
Somewhere along the line Kyle had started putting his butt plug in. I asked if he’d had anything in there before, and got the standard reply of ‘a finger or two’. I made sure he had enough lube, and told him to relax and let his muscles ease open. He did, and after a few minutes he had most of it in. I tried explaining how it might hurt the inner ring of the anus when he passed it over the last big part of the plug, and to just slide it out or let it sit when he felt tingling or pain. He was really good about it, and finally popped the whole thing in, and began to jerk off.
Meanwhile, I had moved up to #3, and was feeling pretty fine. The vibrations were strong but not intense, and it felt great to slide the wand ever so slightly across the inner part of my ass. Finally, I went to #4, and felt my balls start to well. Kyle put a hand on my abs, and laughed.
“Dude, you can feel that thing inside you!” he said, which I’m sure was fascinating to him, but very irrelevant to me at that moment.
I came hard, but not with as much volume as I’d predicted. I sat a moment longer, slowing the vibrator down a click at a time, until it was finally off. We cleaned ourselves up, I went to give the toys a wash in my sink, and we were off to Lisa’s for dinner.
Wednesday was more touristy things, another movie, this time Dr.No, playing at the Bloor Cinema. I love the Bloor, it plays all sorts of classics, and it’s so much fun to see old movies on actual film through an actual projector. True, the print was a bit faded, and sometimes scratched to all hell, but it’s still great. Unfortuantely the immature audience that was attracted to a James Bond movie couldn’t stop laughing whenever either a trademark line was uttered or scratches danced across Sean Connery’s torso.
While walking around later, we crossed paths again with the Stag Shop (though this time not the Church St. location), and I jokingly told Lisa to go in and buy a vibrator.
“Well, I’d get one, if I was having sex. But I’m not, so I don’t want to buy one yet.”
So I suggested she get a clitoral vibrator and buzz the hell out of herself without insertion. She laughed at first, but turned and went into the store. We browsed for a while, finally giving up and heading out the door again. But when we hit the street, she said that maybe it wasn’t such a bad idea that she bought one after all…which was the reason we’d gone in the first place, but she obviously hadn’t totally grasped that part.
That evening I had made plans away from my guest, since he and Lisa had also made separate arrangements. But theirs were cancelled, so the three of us went to a jazz bar to meet with a high school friend of mine. It worked out quite well, because I talked to my friend, while Lisa and Kyle chatted across from us. Nobody felt left out, but it wasn’t like we had to encourage conversation between people.
I was pretty drunk by the time Kyle and I landed back in the apartment. I was tired, and quite frankly, less and less interested in having any more sex with him. I told him that I really didn’t want to that night, but come Thursday morning we’d have some fun before packing him up and sending him home.
I woke up at 8 after another fitful sleep, not really looking forward to the inevitable fooling around. I just can’t believe how unskilled he is…he’s been out longer than me, had a boyfriend or two, and still isn’t really good at much. Not to say that I am, but I felt a lot more competent than he acted.
I gave him a great blowjob, practically taking his entire cock down my throat, and very nearly triggering my gag reflex, which would have been an awful scene. Not that Kyle noticed, since he was moaning and had his eyes closed, but I would have been beyond embarrassed to dry-heave (or worse) into the garbadge can beside my desk.
When we both had finished, and collapsed onto the bed, he wrapped his arms around me again. ‘Great,’ I thought. ‘All I need right now is for him to be all lovey-dovey, when I don’t even want to be in bed with him anymore…’
“Thank you Steve. Thanks for everything. It was a great week,” was what he said.
I smiled, and told him he was more than welcome, and it was a fun time, and how it’d be strange not having him around anymore. But inside I was secretly pretty satisfied that I wouldn’t have to worry about him anymore, or have to deal with the possibility of him becoming interested (or being interested…I’m not sure how much he ‘liked’ me).
We had one more meal together, and then we packed off and went our separate ways. We said goodbye much the same way we said hello, with a handshake and a hug, and very few words between us.
I’m now at home, set to enjoy the last few days of my break as quietly as possible. No guys, no sex, just me back in the environment that seemed to bring out the deepest questions in me. Oh, and my prostate stimulator. Well, there was no sense leaving it in my drawer for the rest of the week, you know…
Thursday, February 22, 2007
Reading week (part 1)...
The next morning, Sunday, I had promised to call Brian about going to brunch. I did, feeling pretty confident that I could allow my two worlds to collide, even if it was just for a few hours. Also considering the fact that both Kyle and Lisa know about my sexuality, and Lisa knows about Brian, I was pretty sure it’d be fine.
We did the shower thing, and I did some other domestic stuff like cleaning and laundry. Lisa was gone to work, and Kyle was still dozy after sleeping 10 hours. Finally Brian arrived, and I immediately recoiled. Maybe this wasn’t such a good idea…
He was wearing a black shirt, pink tie, black pants, white boots, and some sort of manbag.
Now, I have nothing against guys who are into fashion, they usually look a hell of a lot better than the bums that I know (aka my friends), but I wasn’t prepared for such ‘formal’ ware. And admittedly he did look good. So we did the introductions and I shaved and then started getting dressed.
“Wait…Brian, tell me what to wear.”
He looked at me. “No! Just put on whatever you want to put on.”
I begged him a few minutes for advice, since I can haphazardly make myself presentable but wasn’t feeling particularly ‘on’ that day, but he refused. Finally, he caved, came in, and flipped through my closet. He tut-tutted quietly for a moment, gave a few suggestions, told me to shop for smaller sizes, and left me to get dressed.
We ate at the Churchmouse and Firkin, part of a chain of restaurants that has a location in the Village. This was my first gay brunch, so I was excited and more than a little curious. Would there be men with poodles drinking Cosmos and brandishing diamond-encrusted flatware? Brian chose the Firkin because (as I found out later) he was going for the least gay of the gay brunches, so as not to scare Kyle (since he didn’t know that he was gay).
Upon hitting the upstairs door, we immediately knew the plan had failed miserably. There, sitting at tables throughout the restaurant, were men of varying sizes, all dressed in some form or another of leathers.
As it turned out, we had stumbled on the “third Sunday of every month’s fundraising effort in support of PWA”, which led to some mild hilarity from overheard conversations discussing the finer points of leathers, what the ‘young guys’ are into, and how awkward it is to find some pieces in sizes bigger than Large.
Kyle excused himself, and immediately I started teasing Brian about his choice in brunches. He swore he had no idea about the leather thing, and I believe him. And then he went on about how well Kyle was taking it, since the entire scene was indeed quite gay. He laughed when I told him that he’s gay, and said it made a bit more sense.
After brunch, we caught a movie with Lisa. Staring Ryan Phillipe, some creepy guy, and the ever-brilliant Laura Linney, it was a bit of a letdown…not nearly as twisted or haunting as I had hoped. I love a good psychological/investigative thriller, but this didn’t deliver. We went back to Lisa’s, ate dinner, hung out…it was fun to have everyone together.
Then it came time for goodbyes, and Kyle, Brian and I walked back to my place. I’d invited Brian to stay, if he wanted, and he took me up on the offer. After an episode of Sex and the City, Kyle was off to sleep on the couch, and Brian and I slid under the covers.
In the morning, he made some comments about wondering if I’d miss him this week, since he’s out of town, and said things like “I hope you’re still single when I get back…” It felt a little awkward for me, since I don’t even know what we are, and I don’t even know what I want us to be…but I assured him that I would indeed miss him.
Monday came and went, and I felt Kyle’s eyes on me more and more. It was odd…more unusual, really, since I’m not used to receiving looks from guys before. It’s still a little hard for me to know what they all mean…and I didn’t want to overblow stuff since we had many more days to spend together. So on the elevator ride back to my apartment, I popped the question.
“So, you’ve been on the couch for a few days, would you like to sleep in a bed for a change?”
“Uh, probably. Sounds good.”
As we lay there, eyes adjusting to the darkness, there was some unintelligible muttering from both of us. We would turn to look at each other, then look away, then back…finally I tried the diplomatic route.
“Well, I always find that it’s good to do what you want…I mean, as long as there’s no pressure…and it’s what everyone wants…”
About two seconds went by, then I had flipped on top of him, with his tongue down my throat.
It was actually really unsatisfactory sex. After the usual activities, we came to the “are you top/bottom” discussion. I didn’t understand his answer, but when I said I like it either way, he started rubbing my ass. I took that as a sign.
He was really big, though, which was interesting. Second biggest I’ve seen in my short sample of the men of Toronto, but dammit all he didn’t know how to use it. After finally fingering me enough, he slid himself in, and attempted some crouched-humping-thing, with me doggy-style and him practically standing on the bed. After several thrusts, and a few position changes, we called it quits.
Tuesday Lisa again had work, so we spent the day wandering the city, with me showing him some of my favorite haunts. It had been clear from the day before that he wanted to go to a sex shop, and I was more than willing to be along for the ride. So that afternoon, we wandered into the Stag Shop on Church St., which, may I say, is an excellent store. I’d never been in that one before, and the staff and selection was great.
I’m not the most outgoing, super enthusiastic guy, but as it’s coming to sex, I’m not squeamish. I used to be, a little anyway, especially my first time buying anything from a sex store last year (I’ll tell that story one day). So I was quite happy to walk through the store, pick up packages, feel materials, and chat with the staff. Kyle, on the other hand, looked like a fifth-grader who landed himself in the principal’s office.
When we were in a corner, I whispered to him, “if you want me to leave so you can buy something, or to talk to somebody, I can. I want you to feel comfortable, and not miss buying something because you don’t want me around.”
He felt more reassured after that, and headed over to talk to the clerk about toys for beginner bottoms. I perused some more, constantly going back to an item, Doc Johnson’s Prostate Stimulator. It’s a stick-like object, with a vibrator inside, and two prongs. One hooks on the outside, and presses into the balls, while the other slides into your ass, at an angle to perfectly hit your prostate. This would be something I would be interested in.
After Kyle finished talking to the clerk, I asked about my toy, and got some general information. Apparently, according to the guy, he prefers prostrate stimulators that vibrate, as opposed to others that simply stimulate through contact. I could see his point, and after a quick demo to see if it worked, I was buying my first vibrating friend.
With a couple porn magazines in the pile, Kyle and I walked out and back to my place. He was eager to try out his butt plug, and I was very curious about my prostrate stimulator. I cleaned them both in my washroom before heading into the bedroom and grabbing the bottle of lube.
We did the shower thing, and I did some other domestic stuff like cleaning and laundry. Lisa was gone to work, and Kyle was still dozy after sleeping 10 hours. Finally Brian arrived, and I immediately recoiled. Maybe this wasn’t such a good idea…
He was wearing a black shirt, pink tie, black pants, white boots, and some sort of manbag.
Now, I have nothing against guys who are into fashion, they usually look a hell of a lot better than the bums that I know (aka my friends), but I wasn’t prepared for such ‘formal’ ware. And admittedly he did look good. So we did the introductions and I shaved and then started getting dressed.
“Wait…Brian, tell me what to wear.”
He looked at me. “No! Just put on whatever you want to put on.”
I begged him a few minutes for advice, since I can haphazardly make myself presentable but wasn’t feeling particularly ‘on’ that day, but he refused. Finally, he caved, came in, and flipped through my closet. He tut-tutted quietly for a moment, gave a few suggestions, told me to shop for smaller sizes, and left me to get dressed.
We ate at the Churchmouse and Firkin, part of a chain of restaurants that has a location in the Village. This was my first gay brunch, so I was excited and more than a little curious. Would there be men with poodles drinking Cosmos and brandishing diamond-encrusted flatware? Brian chose the Firkin because (as I found out later) he was going for the least gay of the gay brunches, so as not to scare Kyle (since he didn’t know that he was gay).
Upon hitting the upstairs door, we immediately knew the plan had failed miserably. There, sitting at tables throughout the restaurant, were men of varying sizes, all dressed in some form or another of leathers.
As it turned out, we had stumbled on the “third Sunday of every month’s fundraising effort in support of PWA”, which led to some mild hilarity from overheard conversations discussing the finer points of leathers, what the ‘young guys’ are into, and how awkward it is to find some pieces in sizes bigger than Large.
Kyle excused himself, and immediately I started teasing Brian about his choice in brunches. He swore he had no idea about the leather thing, and I believe him. And then he went on about how well Kyle was taking it, since the entire scene was indeed quite gay. He laughed when I told him that he’s gay, and said it made a bit more sense.
After brunch, we caught a movie with Lisa. Staring Ryan Phillipe, some creepy guy, and the ever-brilliant Laura Linney, it was a bit of a letdown…not nearly as twisted or haunting as I had hoped. I love a good psychological/investigative thriller, but this didn’t deliver. We went back to Lisa’s, ate dinner, hung out…it was fun to have everyone together.
Then it came time for goodbyes, and Kyle, Brian and I walked back to my place. I’d invited Brian to stay, if he wanted, and he took me up on the offer. After an episode of Sex and the City, Kyle was off to sleep on the couch, and Brian and I slid under the covers.
In the morning, he made some comments about wondering if I’d miss him this week, since he’s out of town, and said things like “I hope you’re still single when I get back…” It felt a little awkward for me, since I don’t even know what we are, and I don’t even know what I want us to be…but I assured him that I would indeed miss him.
Monday came and went, and I felt Kyle’s eyes on me more and more. It was odd…more unusual, really, since I’m not used to receiving looks from guys before. It’s still a little hard for me to know what they all mean…and I didn’t want to overblow stuff since we had many more days to spend together. So on the elevator ride back to my apartment, I popped the question.
“So, you’ve been on the couch for a few days, would you like to sleep in a bed for a change?”
“Uh, probably. Sounds good.”
As we lay there, eyes adjusting to the darkness, there was some unintelligible muttering from both of us. We would turn to look at each other, then look away, then back…finally I tried the diplomatic route.
“Well, I always find that it’s good to do what you want…I mean, as long as there’s no pressure…and it’s what everyone wants…”
About two seconds went by, then I had flipped on top of him, with his tongue down my throat.
It was actually really unsatisfactory sex. After the usual activities, we came to the “are you top/bottom” discussion. I didn’t understand his answer, but when I said I like it either way, he started rubbing my ass. I took that as a sign.
He was really big, though, which was interesting. Second biggest I’ve seen in my short sample of the men of Toronto, but dammit all he didn’t know how to use it. After finally fingering me enough, he slid himself in, and attempted some crouched-humping-thing, with me doggy-style and him practically standing on the bed. After several thrusts, and a few position changes, we called it quits.
Tuesday Lisa again had work, so we spent the day wandering the city, with me showing him some of my favorite haunts. It had been clear from the day before that he wanted to go to a sex shop, and I was more than willing to be along for the ride. So that afternoon, we wandered into the Stag Shop on Church St., which, may I say, is an excellent store. I’d never been in that one before, and the staff and selection was great.
I’m not the most outgoing, super enthusiastic guy, but as it’s coming to sex, I’m not squeamish. I used to be, a little anyway, especially my first time buying anything from a sex store last year (I’ll tell that story one day). So I was quite happy to walk through the store, pick up packages, feel materials, and chat with the staff. Kyle, on the other hand, looked like a fifth-grader who landed himself in the principal’s office.
When we were in a corner, I whispered to him, “if you want me to leave so you can buy something, or to talk to somebody, I can. I want you to feel comfortable, and not miss buying something because you don’t want me around.”
He felt more reassured after that, and headed over to talk to the clerk about toys for beginner bottoms. I perused some more, constantly going back to an item, Doc Johnson’s Prostate Stimulator. It’s a stick-like object, with a vibrator inside, and two prongs. One hooks on the outside, and presses into the balls, while the other slides into your ass, at an angle to perfectly hit your prostate. This would be something I would be interested in.
After Kyle finished talking to the clerk, I asked about my toy, and got some general information. Apparently, according to the guy, he prefers prostrate stimulators that vibrate, as opposed to others that simply stimulate through contact. I could see his point, and after a quick demo to see if it worked, I was buying my first vibrating friend.
With a couple porn magazines in the pile, Kyle and I walked out and back to my place. He was eager to try out his butt plug, and I was very curious about my prostrate stimulator. I cleaned them both in my washroom before heading into the bedroom and grabbing the bottle of lube.
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