Eggshells...

Everything is walking on eggshells.

Most specifically, it's my 'out' status. I'm out to nearly all the important people in my life, save my father and a few friends. But I find myself walking on eggshells, remembering who knows, who doesn't and who ought to find out next.

What's worse is how my friend act with it. Really, they do nothing wrong, and have been completely supportive and tight-lipped about it. We had dinner in a group last week and I had assumed person X had told her boyfriend and my mutual friend Y, because I never specifically said, "Don't tell anybody!" when I came out to her. So I had a little voice in the back of my head, unsure of censoring some topics of conversation. Since nothing about sexuality came up for quite a while, I carried on the assumption that he in fact might know.

Then he asked me something about, "Women, haha," and I knew he didn't know. Later I asked X if she's said anything, and she was horrified.

"No, never! I'm not going to blab it around town," she said reassuringly.

In many ways, I could not ask for better friends. People who understand that it's a delicate issue, and that it's not something I want to fly through the gossip mill. I've seen it done to another of our friends, and it's just not right.

But at the same time, it feels like the coming out process is being hindered by everyone being so careful about it. Many of the reasons lie in the location right now; I don't want it spread all over small-town-bum-fuck-nowhere. It's more to protect my family than it is for me, because I don't plan on living here the rest of my life.

So will it be any different in Toronto? When I go back to school, what'll happen with my continued adventures in coming out? Do I have to literally greet every friend with, "Good to see you! How was summer? Oh and I'm gay..."?

I always harken back to my belief that my sexuality isn't my entire personality. The people I have gotten to know know me as a friend, not as a love interest, so really my sexual status isn't exactly important to our relationships. Still, if you don't tell everyone, then you are assumed to be straight...

The other weekend someone was at a party with friends from highschool. Nobody was around, save the host, his girlfriend, and my new roommate, and the host asked about me, how I was, was I seeing anybody...was I big on women...

"Why'd he as that?" I said. This is a guy who I maybe talked to twice in school.

"Oh, just curious about you, because we're living together and everything. I dunno, he liked you fine in High School."

"That's because I didn't talk to him more than three times."

"True enough, but aren't those the people you actually still like from high school?"

She was actually going to tell him, "Well, Steve's coming out right now, so he's not really into too many women," but she stopped herself.

"I just didn't know if that would be ok," she said. "He wouldn't gossip about it, and it was only the three of us there, but still it's kinda personal..."

Very sweet of her to keep it under wraps, but ultimately is it helping my situation?

Being at whatever stage I am of the closet, I'm getting more and more frustrated. In many ways I just want it to be over, to be out and to actually maybe finally carry on with 'normal' life. But I still have reservations about broadcasting it on Facebook, or telling every person I know, or having others spread the news.

Hell, I don't even know where I stand on the 'out' scale. Obviously I'm out to some family and close friends, but that's where it ends (I think, anyway). So how 'out' is that? And what do I have to do next, so I can walk confidently into the next stage of my life, not tip-toe, afraid of breaking any eggshells?