The answers...

Well, thanks to all that asked some interesting questions of me.

I didn't even realize that I had posted almost a week ago, then written nothing since! I'm a horrible blogger, I know. I'd like to blame the fact that I'm in exams, but I won't. I'll just mention it, and let you draw conclusions.

OK, and on to the answers!

Vodka & Crackers asked, "Right, what are the first 5 things that pop into your head when you wake up in the morning."
-gah is it (blank) a.m.?
-shit, do I have what I need to finish that assignment...
-...and when was it due again?
-(often lingering sense of failure or dread, mostly related to half-forgotten dreams from that night)
-oooh I like this song! / oooh I HATE this song...I'm going back to bed

Of course, that's when I'm in classes and/or perma-worried about things. On a day like today, it was more like:
-ooh 10 a.m.
-stretching is good
-sunshine!
-CNN (to start my day with a laugh)
-better get up

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Manxxman asked, "Have you come any closer to telling your dad that you're gay?"

Closer? Well, if you mean do I still think about it every time I see him, then yes. I've thought a lot about how to tell him, when to tell him, where to tell him...and honestly it's all really confusing. Since this will be the first really 'bad' reaction I've gotten, I don't really know what to expect or how to handle it, or how I can minimize the blowup. I suppose it just has to happen.

That said, I really do need to tell him, and acknowledge that. I never once thought that I would go through life without telling him, but lately I just really have to bite my tongue so I don't blurt out "I'm gay" when the mood strikes me. I don't want it to be some spontaneous thing that just falls out accidentally. I have to talk to my mom about it, because she'll need to be aware of it to support both him and me depending on how things go.

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Blueyedboy, who always leaves great comments (and somehow I never return the favour, I'm sorry! I'll try harder this spring) asked, "What are you studying at university and what do you plan to do after you graduate?"

While I don't want to discuss my major, or the university that I attend, for privacy reasons, I can talk about what I want to do after I graduate.

I really do want to move on to grad school. A very large part of me does not feel finished with education, and learning, and thinking that I may have to start a job one year from now is just a bit scary to me. Not that I'm turning into a career student, or hiding from the real world, but I do believe that I will benefit both in the short and long term by pursuing a grad school program.

The really big question is where I want to study. I have a few options in Toronto, but would like to expand my horizons, try the whole 'fresh start' thing in another city (not that I don't love Toronto). Sadly, there is nowhere else in Canada that appeals to me, as Toronto is the best and only city I would really consider living in here in the North. Studying abroad would be really interesting, but again, brings up a few questions. If I went to Europe, more specifically England, I wouldn't be living a life like the one I lead now. The difference would be great, I don't doubt, and I'm sure I would love it, but when I move away again I'm afraid it'll be a bit of a culture shock to come back to Canada.

As far as studying in the United States, again, I'm open minded about it. I'm not ready for New York yet, I know that much, and I can't see myself in a rural state like Kansas. Cities like Chicago, Seattle and San Fransisco are appealing to me, because they're big enough to enjoy all the splendor of a city while still being small enough to not be completely lost or drown out in a crowd of people.

Whatever happens, part of my summer will be spent figuring out what exactly I need to do in order to successfully apply to schools both at home and abroad.

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Someone asked, "In your moment(s) of deepest longing, who or what are you thinking of?"

That's an interesting question, but depends on your definition of 'longing'. If I'm longing for some fantasy sex, I'm probably thinking of Sean Corwin or Dillon Samuels.

In moments of deep longing for a boyfriend, I don't really think of a 'person' since I haven't met him yet. Mostly I think about the qualities I would want in a potential partner, and just about the comfort that I one day hope to find. It's mostly reinforced with romantic stereotypes, me longing for the 'perfect' fit.

The way I've described it to myself as of late is a sort of male version of Emma Peel. The 'ultimate' man for me would be someone incredibly intelligent, driven, very classy, but still fun, loving and engaging. Not a snob, but someone who appreciates the 'finer things in life', as they say. Also, throw in some witty banter here and there, as well as the occasional bottle of champagne, and I'm pretty much ready to walk down the aisle.

In moments of general existential angst, I find myself longing to understand and be a part of the gay community. I think of how I want that group of friends who really understand what it's like to be 'the other' in society, a group to go out with and dance with sweaty boys all night. Generally, while I don't want to become a 'scene queen' or so conceited and buried in gay life that I forget who I am, I do want to actually have some gay in my life. I know it's not the requirement to be happy in life, but when I think about how out of touch with the gay community I am, I get a little scared. I know some of it is fueled by stereotypes, but at the core of it I do feel I'm missing out on a part of my life, and myself, that I don't get because I simply do not have the gay community in my life.

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"Are you out to all your friends? How did that go?"

Honestly, I don't know who knows and who doesn't. Sounds crazy, doesn't it? But after coming out to people time and time again, I just sort of stopped inserting it in conversations. Most people know, from what I understand.

The way I think of it (and want to keep it) is that everyone I've met in my university life knows, while people from back home do not. I don't mind if anyone I meet in Toronto knows, and while I don't expressly tell everyone, I'm sure it's gotten around. But I do care if people from high school, who I see rarely, find out. It has nothing to do with the five minutes we spend together at Christmas, and sadly it would become a huge topic of conversation.

As for how it all went, I've never had a 'bad' experience. People have been really great about it, with attitudes ranging from bored acknowledgement to excited 'Good for you!' I am very thankful to live in Toronto, where nobody really cares. It is a thought, though, that my progression as a gay man has somewhat 'faultered' because of all this good experience. I haven't been pushed away from my friends, or forced to live a different life on the side. I don't even want to use the word 'accepting', because people have been more than that; it is just a non-issue, as it should be. But, this has also not make me seek out a support system of other gays while I was coming out, at a time where I could cement a place in the gay community. Food for thought.

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"What are your religious views?"

I've attempted to describe my religious views before, but I can never really get a definition that I'm comfortable with. I'll tell you what I do know.

I'm a Christian, I believe in one God, and Jesus, and all that Christian stuff. I believe it to my very core.

But within that, I'm a very liberal Christian. As long as I'm not doing harm to others, I don't really have a problem with doing anything. Alcohol, drugs, pre-marital sex, homosexual sex...all don't really offend me, and I have no qualms in partaking in any or all of them. I'm sure there are many Christians who would burn me at the stake for such an attitude, but hey, at least I'm honest about it. I don't do this in secret, then have it come out when I run for office 20 years afterwards.

I believe in an afterlife, in having a good relationship with God, and following my moral code. I have it pretty great, I think; I had a great-grandmother and mother who really gave me great morals and standards to live by, through religion. Somewhere along the way I also kept an open mind about the 'fun' stuff, and sleep very well at night.

Don't take away from this that I'm some drugged out whore who uses his Bible as a coaster. I'm a really warm-hearted person, and I go out of my way to help people and do 'the right thing'. I also happen to be very politically centrist, in case you were wondering if I was a flower child drugged out whore. I just also don't think that God, or the government, has any right in poking their heads into my bedroom.

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Hish asked, "How did you "meet a guy" for the first time, and how did it go?"

I have written very candidly about this before, so it's in the archives somewhere near the beginning of my blogging career. It was a really great experience, although a bit unorthodox, but I do not regret it at all. Where it could have been messy and left me very cold, it was a genuinely happy experience, probably the best I could have hoped for outside of having a long term boyfriend. I hope one day that I can be as wonderful to someone as this guy was to me, 'for the first time'.

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Alex asked me, "What happened in that encounter that made you start blogging?"

Again, something that I've written about extensively, but an important question. It was Christmas of last year, 2006. I had been reading 'Debriefing the Boys' for about a month, and had just started 'Micifus'. This was about the time that I had also really taken a hard look at myself and began admitting that I wasn't straight, that the years I'd been jerking off to gay porn (not that I'd ever sleep with a guy, but it was hot to watch, I reasoned...) meant more than just a passing physical attraction.

During this time I became pretty depressed (from what I see now, looking back. I didn't realize at the time.) It was Christmas, I was surrounded by family, but I couldn't stop thinking and worrying about the fact that I wasn't straight. I was pretty much going out of my mind, and I needed an outlet. Here I was, reading about the adventures of two guys who had reconciled with their sexuality, and I realized if I ever wanted to be happy, I needed to do the same.

So I started blogging, getting my thoughts out and helping map my future moves. And I'm still here today.

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A few people have asked, "What about your long-lost best friend that turned out to be gay?"

Well, I messaged him via Facebook suggesting that we have coffee and catch up, and never heard back from him. Ever.

I was a little miffed at first, but I realize now that I'm just sad about it. I really would like to catch up, and see if it's for sure true. Maybe have a good laugh about it.

At the moment, he's abroad, and has been since winter. Maybe when he gets back I'll try again. Also, his mom added me to Facebook and dropped me a line, there's a chance I can stimulate a coffee meeting through her. We'll see.

He's still gorgeous, though.

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And finally...Jon asked, "What kind of underwear do you like?"

The kind that looks good on my floor?

OK, after that horrid stab at humour...Looking in my drawer, I'm pretty partial to Calvin Klein. I have a few other random pairs, including a couple Ginch Gonch. The GG's are super-comfy, and look pretty damn good too. Really, I've just tried the tip of the iceberg in terms of great underwear, but it doesn't hurt to have good old CK as a standby.

I know what I hate, though; any department store brand, Hanes, etc. Crappy material, crappy colours, crappy look and crappy feel! Do yourself a favour, get some cute underwear! You'll love them!

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Thanks to everyone who had a question, I had fun doing this!