I've only been doing the online thing since basically December. I cut my teeth on CL and have moved on to a few different sites. Honestly I keep finding myself back on CraigsList, I think because it's a little more chronological. It's not just a bunch of profiles or names to choose from, it's people posting for sex/other at a specific time. Plus, you can make endless posts tailored to your sexual needs that day, instead of just having one profile.
A few days ago, I got the strangest e-mail I've received yet. It read:
"How in the hell do you think if people has AIDS by jumping bed to bed. very good way of getting it STOP NOW before you endup dead from it. I'm clean & clear & I keep my thing in my pants. i've got better things to do then looking for guys on craigslist just to spead AIDS or look for a one nite stand THINK BUDDY "
I had to read it about three times before I could understand what this guy was trying to say. My post was fairly mild compared to some, I made specific reference to looking for disease free guys, insisting on safe sex only...not exactly what I would call a loose cannon trying to get/infect someone with AIDS.
Then I started thinking about it...I did some research on gay-friendly health sites before I even started sleeping with guys, and felt fairly confident that I'd been safe. I've always used a condom, always asked about the guy's health (I know you can easily lie, but it helps to ask straight out), I haven't exposed myself to anyone with cuts or sores in my mouth, etc.
Of course, AIDS is the elephant in the room. I mean, we're bombarded with statistics and facts, told that it's easily spread by unsafe sex, and can even be transmitted by unprotected oral or swallowing. It's pretty damn terrifying!
But looking at the other side, if you're consiously playing safe, the likelihood of being exposed to it is lowered. Also, from reading the number of gay blogs out there, guys are having sex with multiple partners all the time, and do so safely.
Now, I'm not undermining anyone who's contracted AIDS. There are of course cases where guys either barebacked or had a condom break and were exposed, but it seems as more and more people are serious about safe sex, the chances of being exposed are much lower than say in the 80's or even 90's.
Still, it's a scary topic, and I don't know how people look at it objectively. On the one hand, nobody should be having sex unless they and their partner are tested first. On the other, the sexual promsicuity of a young man is so intense that it will at times override common sense and the ability to think clearly. As long as you know you're playing safe, the threat is minimalized by your horniness.
I don't know, but I'd love to speak to a health professional about it.
Monday, January 29, 2007
Saturday, January 27, 2007
Do I pique your interest...
I'm going to admit it, I'm a little discouraged with the whole blogging thing.
Though I have no intention of quitting, or signifigantly re-tooling the content of my posts, I'm a little disappointed with the nearly complete absence of comments and e-mails from readers. When I started this, I didn't know what to expect, who would be reading, how many people would comment, etc. As time wore on and I read more and more blogs, I realized that many people do comment on the 'more popular' ones. Even though those comments are mostly half-witted and generally useless, it's still nice to know there's someone who gives enough of a damn to say something about what you've written.
Couple that with the fact the last 4 posts have been on sensitive, emotional and sexual topics (the best kinds!), and it leaves me feeling a little inadequit.
As I said, I'm not giving up because I don't have huge ratings. I'm just venting a little, is all.
Though I have no intention of quitting, or signifigantly re-tooling the content of my posts, I'm a little disappointed with the nearly complete absence of comments and e-mails from readers. When I started this, I didn't know what to expect, who would be reading, how many people would comment, etc. As time wore on and I read more and more blogs, I realized that many people do comment on the 'more popular' ones. Even though those comments are mostly half-witted and generally useless, it's still nice to know there's someone who gives enough of a damn to say something about what you've written.
Couple that with the fact the last 4 posts have been on sensitive, emotional and sexual topics (the best kinds!), and it leaves me feeling a little inadequit.
As I said, I'm not giving up because I don't have huge ratings. I'm just venting a little, is all.
Friday, January 26, 2007
Seperation of sex and emotion (part 3)...
I was more than a little surprised that Jamie was jealous of my having sex with another guy. After all, he had admitted to me that he had slept with multiple, multiple guys over the last few years, and I never had a problem with it. At first I was a little surprised, but as I got more mature about sex, I realized it doesn't matter that you've got an active sex life.
I knew I could never just go to sleep with this e-mail hanging over me, so I responded.
"The thing I want most between us is friendship. You're kinda all I've got in that 'one world' part of me is living in, and I was feeling so good to have someone like you to talk to."
Then, I broached the jealousy subject.
"I'm only going to ask this once, and don't take it the wrong way, but do you have feelings for me? Usually when you're feeling jealous about someone being with someone else, its because you yourself want to be with them...Get back to me asap and let me know if I'm an insulting bastard or if we're good. And lets do something non-sexual this week. You're a special person to me, and I want to keep you close to me (god I'm so corny lol)."
I waited for a response.
The general gist of the response was that even though he sleeps with guys NSA, if he's with the same guy more than once he starts to develop emotions/attachment to him. Not the most flattering response to me, but I understand where he's coming from, since part of our discussion was about him wanting to actually get into a relationship with someone. Then there was some parts about how we couldn't work because he was my first boy, and how I have a long way to go before I'd be ready for a relationship with a guy, and those types of reasons why we couldn't work out.
At that point, I was relieved. Crisis averted. I still had my friend, and we decided that us having sex was probably not a good idea. After all, I didn't have 'feelings' for him...I loved him to death, but then I knew I could never go out with him, since it would just be me psychologically using him as a crutch in my new bisexual life. I felt a little sad I'd lost a sex partner, but also was certain I would get him in bed again soon.
I felt alright about the fact that I had kept our emotional friendship and our sexual friendship seperate in my mind. I didn't identify him as my boyfriend, but my gay friend and also my lover. Things were going to be fine, we'd continue as friends, become even closer, and who knows, maybe we'd be friends for the rest of our lives...
Days later, I got to thinking. He had mentioned before that he doesn't keep the same friends for a long time, that he was a bit of a lone wolf in the sense he moved around a lot...I started getting nervous. I mean, I already had told him I loved him (as a friend) and a large part of me was relying on him being around for years to come. I saw us becoming friends who complained to each other about our love lifes, our lack of sex, our most intimate thoughts...after all, I'd shared such a huge part of me with him and expected that he would do the same.
Then there was the Thursday night incident...him having a 'meeting' and not being able to go out with me. I felt a range of emotions, jealousy, disappointment, fear...was I coming on too strong? Did I scare him off? Does he not like me as much as I like him?...even now my head is spinning with questions. I can't wait to see him again, to give him a hug, ask him how his day was, have dinner with him...but is that Jamie the friend, or Jamie the potential boyfriend that I can't wait to see?
Couple that with the fact I'm so worried about what he thinks of me, how much he likes me, if he thinks I'm coming on too strongly...I really don't know with him. At one point he seems like he's got a list of 500 friends he's alwasy out with. At others he seems like he's alone at times, and would welcome me as a close friend. Maybe I'm just thinking he wants to be close to me because I want to be close to him...ugh I'm stuck in a logic loop.
The next time we see each other, I'm going to have to point-blank as him what he thinks of me.
I knew I could never just go to sleep with this e-mail hanging over me, so I responded.
"The thing I want most between us is friendship. You're kinda all I've got in that 'one world' part of me is living in, and I was feeling so good to have someone like you to talk to."
Then, I broached the jealousy subject.
"I'm only going to ask this once, and don't take it the wrong way, but do you have feelings for me? Usually when you're feeling jealous about someone being with someone else, its because you yourself want to be with them...Get back to me asap and let me know if I'm an insulting bastard or if we're good. And lets do something non-sexual this week. You're a special person to me, and I want to keep you close to me (god I'm so corny lol)."
I waited for a response.
The general gist of the response was that even though he sleeps with guys NSA, if he's with the same guy more than once he starts to develop emotions/attachment to him. Not the most flattering response to me, but I understand where he's coming from, since part of our discussion was about him wanting to actually get into a relationship with someone. Then there was some parts about how we couldn't work because he was my first boy, and how I have a long way to go before I'd be ready for a relationship with a guy, and those types of reasons why we couldn't work out.
At that point, I was relieved. Crisis averted. I still had my friend, and we decided that us having sex was probably not a good idea. After all, I didn't have 'feelings' for him...I loved him to death, but then I knew I could never go out with him, since it would just be me psychologically using him as a crutch in my new bisexual life. I felt a little sad I'd lost a sex partner, but also was certain I would get him in bed again soon.
I felt alright about the fact that I had kept our emotional friendship and our sexual friendship seperate in my mind. I didn't identify him as my boyfriend, but my gay friend and also my lover. Things were going to be fine, we'd continue as friends, become even closer, and who knows, maybe we'd be friends for the rest of our lives...
Days later, I got to thinking. He had mentioned before that he doesn't keep the same friends for a long time, that he was a bit of a lone wolf in the sense he moved around a lot...I started getting nervous. I mean, I already had told him I loved him (as a friend) and a large part of me was relying on him being around for years to come. I saw us becoming friends who complained to each other about our love lifes, our lack of sex, our most intimate thoughts...after all, I'd shared such a huge part of me with him and expected that he would do the same.
Then there was the Thursday night incident...him having a 'meeting' and not being able to go out with me. I felt a range of emotions, jealousy, disappointment, fear...was I coming on too strong? Did I scare him off? Does he not like me as much as I like him?...even now my head is spinning with questions. I can't wait to see him again, to give him a hug, ask him how his day was, have dinner with him...but is that Jamie the friend, or Jamie the potential boyfriend that I can't wait to see?
Couple that with the fact I'm so worried about what he thinks of me, how much he likes me, if he thinks I'm coming on too strongly...I really don't know with him. At one point he seems like he's got a list of 500 friends he's alwasy out with. At others he seems like he's alone at times, and would welcome me as a close friend. Maybe I'm just thinking he wants to be close to me because I want to be close to him...ugh I'm stuck in a logic loop.
The next time we see each other, I'm going to have to point-blank as him what he thinks of me.
Seperation of sex and emotion (part 2)...
Jamie and I couldn't get together on Thursday night, but made plans for Friday afternoon.
At 4:30pm I arrived at his door, ready to fall into bed and snuggle. It was bitterly cold outside, and I wanted him to hold me and warm me back up.
Once we were inside, we had a quick hug and kiss, and sat on his bed.
"I'm sorry to say this, but I've got an appointment at 5 I can't miss," he admitted. I was a little disappointed, but I was intent on enjoying our half hour together.
We laid on his bed, holding each other, fully clothed. He told me about his day, I told him about mine, we kissed intermitantly throughout the half hour, grazing each other's crotches and smirking at our hardons. But we never got naked, never jerked each other, never did anything overtly sexual. Just cuddled and talked.
I ended up walking him to his appointment, and we left each other with a quick hug and a promise to see each other soon. I trapsed back home, showered, changed into my chic new jacket and headed out for an evening with friends.
Friday passed, Saturday came (the bottoming experience day), and I found myself at Lisa's place Saturday night. She and her boyfriend and his friend were hanging out, and I joind them for some low-key socializing. But when I got there, I quickly e-mailed Jamie to see if he was free Sunday night.
Literally 5 minutes after I had sent the e-mail, Jamie called me asking if I was busy that night. I almost melted on the spot, but stammered that I was already at a friends, headed out to a movie, and that unless things changed I wouldn't be free. I stupidly forgot to invite him along, that way we could have gone home with each other, but he was alright with it. We agreed on Sunday night dinner plans, and disconnected.
After arriving at his place Sunday night, we headed out for Japanese at an amazing place he knows. The food was wonderful, even though we had to sit at the bar area. We chatted again about everything, being queer, our screwed up families, school...that must be the one thing I love most about him, the fact I can be completely honest and talk about anything with him.
Dinner finished, and we walked back to his place. Once inside, I told him about my experience on Saturday afternoon. I hope he didn't think I was bragging about the hot boy I'd slept with, but he didn't say anything about it. Looking back, he was remarkably quiet about it. I was expecting a lot more excitment and congrats from him. After that conversation, I sat on his bed, he laid his head in my lap, and I ran my fingers through his hair. We talked some more, and broached an interesting subject.
Somewhere in our conversation, he said something along the lines of "is it time for us to have an 'us' talk?".
At the moment he said it, I shrugged it off. It wasn't really a demand to discuss it, or an exclamation of emotion, merely a statement. A few minutes later, I said the words myself. "Do you think it's time for us to have an 'us' talk?" I heard myself say. Suddenly, things changed. The fact I had a boy laying in my lap became a lot more real to me. The situation was a lot more heavy than when I had entered the room.
We never got into the conversation. A little while after it, clothes started coming off, and we were distracted with other things.
When I got home that night, an e-mail was waiting for me.
"I don't think we should have sex together anymore," Jamie wrote. "I want to be your friend and cuddle with you, but I don't think that we should have sex again for a while. It feels like its something that gets between us being friends."
I was shocked. My jaw hung open, as I continued reading.
"When you were telling me about sleeping with that guy, I felt a little jealous. I don't want to feel that way about you, but it's because we slept together."
Suddenly my new friend/sex partner was becoming a lot more like a lover.
At 4:30pm I arrived at his door, ready to fall into bed and snuggle. It was bitterly cold outside, and I wanted him to hold me and warm me back up.
Once we were inside, we had a quick hug and kiss, and sat on his bed.
"I'm sorry to say this, but I've got an appointment at 5 I can't miss," he admitted. I was a little disappointed, but I was intent on enjoying our half hour together.
We laid on his bed, holding each other, fully clothed. He told me about his day, I told him about mine, we kissed intermitantly throughout the half hour, grazing each other's crotches and smirking at our hardons. But we never got naked, never jerked each other, never did anything overtly sexual. Just cuddled and talked.
I ended up walking him to his appointment, and we left each other with a quick hug and a promise to see each other soon. I trapsed back home, showered, changed into my chic new jacket and headed out for an evening with friends.
Friday passed, Saturday came (the bottoming experience day), and I found myself at Lisa's place Saturday night. She and her boyfriend and his friend were hanging out, and I joind them for some low-key socializing. But when I got there, I quickly e-mailed Jamie to see if he was free Sunday night.
Literally 5 minutes after I had sent the e-mail, Jamie called me asking if I was busy that night. I almost melted on the spot, but stammered that I was already at a friends, headed out to a movie, and that unless things changed I wouldn't be free. I stupidly forgot to invite him along, that way we could have gone home with each other, but he was alright with it. We agreed on Sunday night dinner plans, and disconnected.
After arriving at his place Sunday night, we headed out for Japanese at an amazing place he knows. The food was wonderful, even though we had to sit at the bar area. We chatted again about everything, being queer, our screwed up families, school...that must be the one thing I love most about him, the fact I can be completely honest and talk about anything with him.
Dinner finished, and we walked back to his place. Once inside, I told him about my experience on Saturday afternoon. I hope he didn't think I was bragging about the hot boy I'd slept with, but he didn't say anything about it. Looking back, he was remarkably quiet about it. I was expecting a lot more excitment and congrats from him. After that conversation, I sat on his bed, he laid his head in my lap, and I ran my fingers through his hair. We talked some more, and broached an interesting subject.
Somewhere in our conversation, he said something along the lines of "is it time for us to have an 'us' talk?".
At the moment he said it, I shrugged it off. It wasn't really a demand to discuss it, or an exclamation of emotion, merely a statement. A few minutes later, I said the words myself. "Do you think it's time for us to have an 'us' talk?" I heard myself say. Suddenly, things changed. The fact I had a boy laying in my lap became a lot more real to me. The situation was a lot more heavy than when I had entered the room.
We never got into the conversation. A little while after it, clothes started coming off, and we were distracted with other things.
When I got home that night, an e-mail was waiting for me.
"I don't think we should have sex together anymore," Jamie wrote. "I want to be your friend and cuddle with you, but I don't think that we should have sex again for a while. It feels like its something that gets between us being friends."
I was shocked. My jaw hung open, as I continued reading.
"When you were telling me about sleeping with that guy, I felt a little jealous. I don't want to feel that way about you, but it's because we slept together."
Suddenly my new friend/sex partner was becoming a lot more like a lover.
Thursday, January 25, 2007
A (usual) Thursday night...
Ugh. I've had a hell of a few days. School seems to be kicking into full gear, much to my dismay. I usually like school, actually learning and keeping busy through the week, but this semester since my big change on outlook, I realized I really wanted the first month to be light-hearted, fun and social. So far, it has been, probably more than I give credit for. But at the same time, its now that I've got stuff to do, it really puts a cramp into the style.
Not to mention the fact that I've been cancelled on twice already tonight. Well, it was the same event, but both people cancelled on me. The very exciting plan was to go to a movie tonight, and have a few drinks afterwards. I was planning on going with Jamie, because he's had a crappy week and needed perking up, and Lisa, my best friend at school. It was going to be the first time that my two worlds intersect, though I wasn't planning on telling Lisa that the guy sitting next to me also sleeps with me from time to time. It would, in retrospect, have been a night of lies and deceipt, but still it would have been nice to get out together.
First, Jamie e-mails me this afternoon, telling me he forgot that he has a meeting that will last most of the night, and to go on without him. I'll admit, for some reason, I'm really sad he couldn't make it. I haven't seen him since Sunday and miss him a lot (as corny as that sounds). What exactly does that mean, you ask? I don't really know, but after him telling me 'he has a meeting' all night, I got suspicious, jealous, worried that he doesn't want to see me anymore, etc. etc...I'm kinda scared now since that basically means I have feelings for him. But I'm trying to seperate the source of the feelings, ie. am I jealous because my friend may have blown me off for a better time tonight, or am I jealous because my boyfriend is blowing me off for a better time tonight?
Then, Lisa e-mails me, saying that she's got dancing lessions all evening until at least 9:30, but could be free afterwards...if it's any fun though I'd bet she hangs out with whoever she's dancing with. I don't even remember her mentioning dance lessons, but I'm sure that's where she is. It's just a little odd when we talked about going out Thursday night earlier in the week, she neglected to tell me she was already going out...
Couple the double-letdown with the fact I've had a bit of a crappy week, and I've got a gloomy Thursday night ahead of me.
Not to mention the fact that I've been cancelled on twice already tonight. Well, it was the same event, but both people cancelled on me. The very exciting plan was to go to a movie tonight, and have a few drinks afterwards. I was planning on going with Jamie, because he's had a crappy week and needed perking up, and Lisa, my best friend at school. It was going to be the first time that my two worlds intersect, though I wasn't planning on telling Lisa that the guy sitting next to me also sleeps with me from time to time. It would, in retrospect, have been a night of lies and deceipt, but still it would have been nice to get out together.
First, Jamie e-mails me this afternoon, telling me he forgot that he has a meeting that will last most of the night, and to go on without him. I'll admit, for some reason, I'm really sad he couldn't make it. I haven't seen him since Sunday and miss him a lot (as corny as that sounds). What exactly does that mean, you ask? I don't really know, but after him telling me 'he has a meeting' all night, I got suspicious, jealous, worried that he doesn't want to see me anymore, etc. etc...I'm kinda scared now since that basically means I have feelings for him. But I'm trying to seperate the source of the feelings, ie. am I jealous because my friend may have blown me off for a better time tonight, or am I jealous because my boyfriend is blowing me off for a better time tonight?
Then, Lisa e-mails me, saying that she's got dancing lessions all evening until at least 9:30, but could be free afterwards...if it's any fun though I'd bet she hangs out with whoever she's dancing with. I don't even remember her mentioning dance lessons, but I'm sure that's where she is. It's just a little odd when we talked about going out Thursday night earlier in the week, she neglected to tell me she was already going out...
Couple the double-letdown with the fact I've had a bit of a crappy week, and I've got a gloomy Thursday night ahead of me.
Seperation of sex and emotion (part 1)...
Up until now, I haven't been sleeping with people I didn't know already, or didn't have some connection/emotional attachment to.
That ultimately would inhibit my sex life now, since I don't know any gay/bi guys to actually get connected to before jumping in bed with them. Of the experiences I've had, the only guy that I've gotten to know was Jamie.
Jamie and I, as you remember, got in touch over CraigsList, for the purpose of having sex. He posted, I responded, we got on MSN...and started talking. We talked about everything and anything. It was amazing, I had found someone that not only wanted sex but also I had some bizarre connection with. When we finally met, we had a good 2 hour conversation before heading back to his place. I even spent the night snuggled next to him on his single bed.
Looking back, it was an incredible experience, and I thank God that I met him. It was as if we were destined to meet, since the guys I had talked to before him never actually met up with me. We had forged what I think is an amazing connection over MSN, then in person, then finally in bed.
We chatted after that first night, and he said that he didn't want to sleep with me again. It wasn't the sex, he said, but the fact that we were friends now somehow meant that we shouldn't jump in bed. I'm all for friends who share sexual encounters, but he seemed pretty decided that it wasn't what he wanted to do. I respected that, and we went on as friends.
Then, funnily enough, last Thursday, I was having a really bad night (maybe it's a pattern with me!?). I was on MSN, my mind was racing with it's usual insanity. I couldn't slow it down, I was full of so many questions about my sexuality, my life, where I'm going and what I'm doing...I felt like I was spinning out of control. Thankfully he was online, started chatting to me, and we ended up talking for 2 hours. By the end of it, we broached the subject of us having sex again. I told him simply that there wouldn't be a time I wasn't interested in sleeping with him, unless I was in a relationship. He started getting a little turned on, and agreed that he might be interested at some point, but it would be just a natural thing. At the end of the night I knew we were going to sleep together again.
The next day, he called me while I was in class. I didn't answer, and he called me again. I text messeged him to say I was in class, so he wasn't pissed that I didn't answer his calls. A text came back to me. I texted back, asking whats up. He replied nothing, just that he had a bad morning and wanted to see me. I was flattered, but also worried. What was wrong, was he ok, is there a problem...I started to really worry. I texted back to see what was wrong.
"Oh nothing really wrong, just had a bad morning with some stupid people, and I really wanted to have sex with you. Is that enough of a booty call for you?"
I smiled for the rest of my class.
That ultimately would inhibit my sex life now, since I don't know any gay/bi guys to actually get connected to before jumping in bed with them. Of the experiences I've had, the only guy that I've gotten to know was Jamie.
Jamie and I, as you remember, got in touch over CraigsList, for the purpose of having sex. He posted, I responded, we got on MSN...and started talking. We talked about everything and anything. It was amazing, I had found someone that not only wanted sex but also I had some bizarre connection with. When we finally met, we had a good 2 hour conversation before heading back to his place. I even spent the night snuggled next to him on his single bed.
Looking back, it was an incredible experience, and I thank God that I met him. It was as if we were destined to meet, since the guys I had talked to before him never actually met up with me. We had forged what I think is an amazing connection over MSN, then in person, then finally in bed.
We chatted after that first night, and he said that he didn't want to sleep with me again. It wasn't the sex, he said, but the fact that we were friends now somehow meant that we shouldn't jump in bed. I'm all for friends who share sexual encounters, but he seemed pretty decided that it wasn't what he wanted to do. I respected that, and we went on as friends.
Then, funnily enough, last Thursday, I was having a really bad night (maybe it's a pattern with me!?). I was on MSN, my mind was racing with it's usual insanity. I couldn't slow it down, I was full of so many questions about my sexuality, my life, where I'm going and what I'm doing...I felt like I was spinning out of control. Thankfully he was online, started chatting to me, and we ended up talking for 2 hours. By the end of it, we broached the subject of us having sex again. I told him simply that there wouldn't be a time I wasn't interested in sleeping with him, unless I was in a relationship. He started getting a little turned on, and agreed that he might be interested at some point, but it would be just a natural thing. At the end of the night I knew we were going to sleep together again.
The next day, he called me while I was in class. I didn't answer, and he called me again. I text messeged him to say I was in class, so he wasn't pissed that I didn't answer his calls. A text came back to me. I texted back, asking whats up. He replied nothing, just that he had a bad morning and wanted to see me. I was flattered, but also worried. What was wrong, was he ok, is there a problem...I started to really worry. I texted back to see what was wrong.
"Oh nothing really wrong, just had a bad morning with some stupid people, and I really wanted to have sex with you. Is that enough of a booty call for you?"
I smiled for the rest of my class.
Sunday, January 21, 2007
Invasion of the gays...
My apartment is full of gay guys.
I'm not joking here. Its totally true. I just came home from a mundane grocery/pharmacy shopping trip to find 3 guys sitting on my couch, and my roommate sitting in a chair, playing cards.
It all started last night. I was out with friends, came home, and felt awake enough to listen to some music. I pulled on my headphones and gave 'The Dark Side Of The Moon' it's millionth spin, with just a candle flickering in my room. When it was over, I pulled off my headphones, blew out the candle, and heard voice.
My roommate was home. (She seems to have this annoying problem of showing up at our place. How weird is that?)
I realize I haven't provided any background for the story. My roommate and I were good friends our first year of University, and decided to live together for second year. We found a place, painted, each bought/supplied furniature...things were going fine. But then she changed...went sort of insane. Kind of like what an emo 15-year-old would do, only she's 20. Our friendship, as well as our group of friends, crumbled into pieces, and my dream of a happy, socially-fueled apartment was shattered.
Since then we've come to some sort of unspoken agreement about not speaking. Rarely do we acknowledge the other's presence, we never spend any time together and our routines usually keep us apart except during the late hours of the night, when I'm sleeping and she's up talking on the phone until 5 a.m. It's a sad situation, but I ended up detaching because I was so hurt by her.
Anyway, she had recently re-connected with an ex-boyfriend of hers who was moving to Toronto. From reading her blog and talking to mutual friends, it became clear that she was going to attempt to rekindle their lost romance...touching *rolls eyes*. Then, just last week, she posted something in her blog about her 'gay ex-boyfriend'...which was followed by a response by the guy in question. So I had a good laugh over the fact she wasn't going to get very far with a gay guy.
Back to last night. I heard voices, listened, and sure enough it was my roommate, the ex-bf, and his new boyfriend. I laughed to myself, thought really nothing of it (other than how the hell does a newly out guy pick up a boyfriend that fast!), and rolled over to sleep.
They left before I went out this morning, so I never met them. But when I got back home this afternoon, they were here, along with a third guy! Three guys in my apartment, all gay...and I can do nothing about it.
Thats the big issue I have with being closeted right now, the fact that nobody can know I'm bisexual means that I can't actually meet gay/bi guys socially...I'm reserved exclusively to online, unless somebody comes out to me. It's so frustrating for me to help build my new 'self' without being able to discuss it with gay/bi guys. If I did meet someone who was gay, and we got to chatting about what its like, where to meet guys, etc...well, it looks suspicious for a 'straight guy' to be that interested.
It seems like every step I take, I satisfy something in myself, but open a new door within myself that leaves me wanting more...
I'm not joking here. Its totally true. I just came home from a mundane grocery/pharmacy shopping trip to find 3 guys sitting on my couch, and my roommate sitting in a chair, playing cards.
It all started last night. I was out with friends, came home, and felt awake enough to listen to some music. I pulled on my headphones and gave 'The Dark Side Of The Moon' it's millionth spin, with just a candle flickering in my room. When it was over, I pulled off my headphones, blew out the candle, and heard voice.
My roommate was home. (She seems to have this annoying problem of showing up at our place. How weird is that?)
I realize I haven't provided any background for the story. My roommate and I were good friends our first year of University, and decided to live together for second year. We found a place, painted, each bought/supplied furniature...things were going fine. But then she changed...went sort of insane. Kind of like what an emo 15-year-old would do, only she's 20. Our friendship, as well as our group of friends, crumbled into pieces, and my dream of a happy, socially-fueled apartment was shattered.
Since then we've come to some sort of unspoken agreement about not speaking. Rarely do we acknowledge the other's presence, we never spend any time together and our routines usually keep us apart except during the late hours of the night, when I'm sleeping and she's up talking on the phone until 5 a.m. It's a sad situation, but I ended up detaching because I was so hurt by her.
Anyway, she had recently re-connected with an ex-boyfriend of hers who was moving to Toronto. From reading her blog and talking to mutual friends, it became clear that she was going to attempt to rekindle their lost romance...touching *rolls eyes*. Then, just last week, she posted something in her blog about her 'gay ex-boyfriend'...which was followed by a response by the guy in question. So I had a good laugh over the fact she wasn't going to get very far with a gay guy.
Back to last night. I heard voices, listened, and sure enough it was my roommate, the ex-bf, and his new boyfriend. I laughed to myself, thought really nothing of it (other than how the hell does a newly out guy pick up a boyfriend that fast!), and rolled over to sleep.
They left before I went out this morning, so I never met them. But when I got back home this afternoon, they were here, along with a third guy! Three guys in my apartment, all gay...and I can do nothing about it.
Thats the big issue I have with being closeted right now, the fact that nobody can know I'm bisexual means that I can't actually meet gay/bi guys socially...I'm reserved exclusively to online, unless somebody comes out to me. It's so frustrating for me to help build my new 'self' without being able to discuss it with gay/bi guys. If I did meet someone who was gay, and we got to chatting about what its like, where to meet guys, etc...well, it looks suspicious for a 'straight guy' to be that interested.
It seems like every step I take, I satisfy something in myself, but open a new door within myself that leaves me wanting more...
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