This song has to be one of my top 10 favourites. Ever. And I hope that doesn't change, because I still want it to reduce me to tears 50 years from now. Also a great reason to learn to play the dulcimer...maybe I'll put that on my to-do list.
Sunday, February 4, 2007
Conversations over Japanese food...
My stomach was rolling most of the late afternoon, and my brain fluctuated back and forth between excitement and dread. I never felt like vomiting until I was in Lisa’s bedroom, door closed, and we had exhausted all useless chat between us. I sat on the top her bed staring at the white cinderblock wall, while she sat at the bottom, staring at me.
We looked at each other, then looked away, then back at each other.
“So, what’s the big ‘private conversation’ we’re supposed to have?”
“Um…well…I told you not to worry, I mean it’s not too horrible.”
That was the point I felt like I wanted to hurl. I could easily have done so, since she had a plastic garbage can right next to my seat.
“I’ve gotta admit, you’ve got me a little freaked out. What’s up?”
A moments pause. Oh God, I can’t believe this is happening.
“I’m bisexual.” I wanted to say more than just ‘bi’, because I didn’t want her to misunderstand me.
“Oh,” she said, and smiled. “Well, we knew you weren’t straight. (Roommate) and I talked about it a couple times, and we both knew there was no way…”
“Excuse me!?”
“Well, you’re too nice. You connect with people, like you worry about them, and if they’re ok, and how they feel. You’re empathetic towards people.”
“SO! Straight guys can’t be nice guys?” Why I even cared about this is beyond me, but I do harbor the belief that each person is capable of being nice, and it not having an impact on their sexuality.
My entire monologue about how I was bi, have been for a while but never done much about it, that I was the same person, and it didn’t matter who I slept with, all flew out the window. She basically was more than good about the entire situation, since her best friend at home is gay, and didn’t bat an eye the entire time, to the point of annoying me that she was just so unaffected by it.
We talked for well over an hour, about who I’d slept with, who else knew, and the big topic of “what I’m going to do with it now.” I told her all about Jamie, and the few other guys I’ve slept with, and about how I’m still confused and have no idea what my next step is going to be.
She asked me about safety, and made sure that I’d been careful about protection. We talked about HIV and meeting people online, which she referred to as ‘the new village matchmaker’, and made me feel less of a goof about poking around online looking for guys.
In the time, I had some self-realizations about my life too. I realized after talking it out with her, that I have no clue what I’m going to do next, how many people I’m going to come out to, if I’ll get involved in the ‘gay scene’…as usual more questions than answers were provided.
She suggested that I take things slow, which I whole-heartedly agreed with (whatever ‘slow’ means at this point), and not to feel pressured into telling everyone. She assured me that probably all our friends wouldn’t really care about it if it ever came up.
Then we talked about my options, about who I could tell, or not tell. Her suggestion was to get a group of gay friends to hang out with, and keep my gay social circle separate from my straight ones. I told her it was a little hard to make gay friends when everyone thinks you’re straight, but she laughed and said I should try to make some anyway.
After our talk, I felt exhausted but very lucky. We went for Japanese, talked more, and she confided that her and her boyfriend were actually sleeping together (something that we’d never discussed before). By the time we said our goodbyes, I felt even closer to her. It was wonderful that we opened up a new dimension of our friendship.
It’s so hard to say right now what my ‘next step’ will be. I know that I like guys, and that I want that to be part of my life, not something that I deny to myself and from my regular life. Talking about coming out to the world brought up the same mixed emotions as it did with Jamie; a large part of me feel’s good enough to just come out and be done with it, but when I think about changing my FaceBook profile to include ‘Men’ as my interests, I feel like I want to vomit and hide in a broomcloset.
Such a big part of me wants to finally embrace this sexuality thing as part of my life, but the hurdle of coming out to everyone seems to be so huge, I don’t know if I can do it. I don’t even know what I’m going to do lifestyle wise, should I embrace the ‘queer community’ and wave rainbow flags, or just try to meet some nice, down-to-earth boys and start dating.
Not to mention the fact I haven’t experienced a relationship in about a million years, let alone one with a guy. It seems like all the other college-aged bloggers had at least experienced a little bit of a relationship with someone special before coming out. I mean, say I came out on Monday to the world. I would have no gay friends/support to go drinking with, have dinner with, etc. etc. I have nobody except Jamie, who I haven’t even talked to in over a week. Everyone else seemed to have some guys they could instantly befriend when they came out. I don’t, and if I came out on Monday I’d be in the same position I am now with straight people; I don’t have a million friends in a healthy casual friendship circle, and I don’t know where to meet people (especially gay guys).
I’m so glad it went well with Lisa, like I knew it would. I now have someone who knows me, and knows my big secret, and I hope that can be a resource I can use while I try and plan my next move.
We looked at each other, then looked away, then back at each other.
“So, what’s the big ‘private conversation’ we’re supposed to have?”
“Um…well…I told you not to worry, I mean it’s not too horrible.”
That was the point I felt like I wanted to hurl. I could easily have done so, since she had a plastic garbage can right next to my seat.
“I’ve gotta admit, you’ve got me a little freaked out. What’s up?”
A moments pause. Oh God, I can’t believe this is happening.
“I’m bisexual.” I wanted to say more than just ‘bi’, because I didn’t want her to misunderstand me.
“Oh,” she said, and smiled. “Well, we knew you weren’t straight. (Roommate) and I talked about it a couple times, and we both knew there was no way…”
“Excuse me!?”
“Well, you’re too nice. You connect with people, like you worry about them, and if they’re ok, and how they feel. You’re empathetic towards people.”
“SO! Straight guys can’t be nice guys?” Why I even cared about this is beyond me, but I do harbor the belief that each person is capable of being nice, and it not having an impact on their sexuality.
My entire monologue about how I was bi, have been for a while but never done much about it, that I was the same person, and it didn’t matter who I slept with, all flew out the window. She basically was more than good about the entire situation, since her best friend at home is gay, and didn’t bat an eye the entire time, to the point of annoying me that she was just so unaffected by it.
We talked for well over an hour, about who I’d slept with, who else knew, and the big topic of “what I’m going to do with it now.” I told her all about Jamie, and the few other guys I’ve slept with, and about how I’m still confused and have no idea what my next step is going to be.
She asked me about safety, and made sure that I’d been careful about protection. We talked about HIV and meeting people online, which she referred to as ‘the new village matchmaker’, and made me feel less of a goof about poking around online looking for guys.
In the time, I had some self-realizations about my life too. I realized after talking it out with her, that I have no clue what I’m going to do next, how many people I’m going to come out to, if I’ll get involved in the ‘gay scene’…as usual more questions than answers were provided.
She suggested that I take things slow, which I whole-heartedly agreed with (whatever ‘slow’ means at this point), and not to feel pressured into telling everyone. She assured me that probably all our friends wouldn’t really care about it if it ever came up.
Then we talked about my options, about who I could tell, or not tell. Her suggestion was to get a group of gay friends to hang out with, and keep my gay social circle separate from my straight ones. I told her it was a little hard to make gay friends when everyone thinks you’re straight, but she laughed and said I should try to make some anyway.
After our talk, I felt exhausted but very lucky. We went for Japanese, talked more, and she confided that her and her boyfriend were actually sleeping together (something that we’d never discussed before). By the time we said our goodbyes, I felt even closer to her. It was wonderful that we opened up a new dimension of our friendship.
It’s so hard to say right now what my ‘next step’ will be. I know that I like guys, and that I want that to be part of my life, not something that I deny to myself and from my regular life. Talking about coming out to the world brought up the same mixed emotions as it did with Jamie; a large part of me feel’s good enough to just come out and be done with it, but when I think about changing my FaceBook profile to include ‘Men’ as my interests, I feel like I want to vomit and hide in a broomcloset.
Such a big part of me wants to finally embrace this sexuality thing as part of my life, but the hurdle of coming out to everyone seems to be so huge, I don’t know if I can do it. I don’t even know what I’m going to do lifestyle wise, should I embrace the ‘queer community’ and wave rainbow flags, or just try to meet some nice, down-to-earth boys and start dating.
Not to mention the fact I haven’t experienced a relationship in about a million years, let alone one with a guy. It seems like all the other college-aged bloggers had at least experienced a little bit of a relationship with someone special before coming out. I mean, say I came out on Monday to the world. I would have no gay friends/support to go drinking with, have dinner with, etc. etc. I have nobody except Jamie, who I haven’t even talked to in over a week. Everyone else seemed to have some guys they could instantly befriend when they came out. I don’t, and if I came out on Monday I’d be in the same position I am now with straight people; I don’t have a million friends in a healthy casual friendship circle, and I don’t know where to meet people (especially gay guys).
I’m so glad it went well with Lisa, like I knew it would. I now have someone who knows me, and knows my big secret, and I hope that can be a resource I can use while I try and plan my next move.
What are you hiding under there...
I've desperately fallen in love with semi-sexy underwear.
It wasn't supposed to be like this! I'm a non-sexy-underwear kind of guy! But after checking out some pics somewhere in my Internet travels, I discovered that a) boys look even cuter in designed underwear than the Haynes grey/white versions everyone else wears b) they look comfy as hell and c) my standby grey boxers are boring and unflattering.
With all this in mind, I headed out shopping for a sweater, since it's been so damned cold around here and all my super-winter clothes are tucked away at home. At some point, I passed through The Bay (for my international readers, The Bay is a department store like Sears, only much better. Having never been to a Macy’s before, I can't comment on comparisons to it.)
To get to the men’s clothes, you must walk through the men’s underwear. And with my fledgling underwear obsession still fresh in my mind, I started browsing.
There were all types, the economy models, the sport models, the work models...and the fun models. I was getting a little overwhelmed, since I've worn boxers for a million years and briefs were just so not 'in' during High School, so I didn't end up buying anything. On the way out the door, a mannequin was wearing very sexy 2xist red underwear that immediately caught my eye. I shrugged it off, and headed out.
Friday came and I suffered through another four hours straight of lectures. I'm getting lazier than I should be, hitting the sleep button a little too often...I usually get there on time, but I always stop for coffee on the way, so I have to factor that extra few minutes into my travel time. By Friday, I'm never out the door in time, and always have to get coffee halfway through a lecture, or worse, not at all. (By the way, I love coffee. Just in case you missed that.)
So after class, I gleefully grabbed my bag and headed to The Bay for some shopping. I'd decided the only way to know if I could actually wear/like these underwear was to buy a pair and try them out.
The first thing I noticed arriving in the Men's Undergarments section was that my desired 2xist briefs were 25% off. Ha ha! I'm being sexy and frugal!
The second thing I noticed was the slightly-creepy-rather-gay-old-man who was checking out the 2xist section too...shouldn't that be illegal? I mean, after you hit 45, don't you just wear old plaid boxers?
After reminding myself that I'm a mature person, who understands that all old people are not perverts but simply old and sexually undesirable, I started picking through the booty. I saw lots of the red briefs the mannequin was wearing before, but none of them seemed to be 'interesting' enough. They were just plain red, which is fun, but if I was going to try patterned underwear, then dammit I was buying something with more pizzazz than that.
Next was a pair of briefs, 'no show' briefs I think they call them (honestly, who knew there were more than two kinds of underwear: boxers or briefs?). They were 2 toned blue, with blue and white stripes on the back. I liked them immediately, and decided on taking a pair.
I shifted my gaze to the rows of nondescript boxed briefs. They had simple tags on the top, and trying to figure out what looked like what took forever. A smaller row of boxes sat in the far corner, and I gravitated towards them. 2xist Soy Briefs they were called, and I said what the hell and took one of those too.
Consequently enough, I came home this weekend to visit the frozen wasteland of small-town-bum-fuck-nowhere. It sounds harsh, but I really love my hometown, enough to make all sorts of fun of it. I had stuffed my new purchases in my bag, and pushed them out of my mind as I made the trip to meet my mom at the station.
Upon finally getting home, I headed up to my room to drop off my stuff...and try on my new briefs. I slipped in one leg, then the other, pulled them up to my waist and stared at my nearly naked body and blue-white striped briefs.
"Cute!" I cried out. I don't know what it is, something as functional and boring as underwear, but seeing these patterned, sexy-cut briefs on my (or any other) nearly naked body is just really attractive.
Quickly I pulled on the other Soy pair. They have a beautiful blue main section with a shocking lime green waistband. As soon as I pulled them up, I shivered. They have to be the most comfortable things going. Soft as cashmere, the box said, and as sexy as the other pair.
I changed back into my clothes, shoved the briefs in a drawer, and ignored them until the next day. After wearing them for a full day, I have to say they're damn comfy, feel and look sexy, and I'm ecstatically happy with them. The only strange part is the fact that my balls kept getting randomly itchy throughout the day. I peg it on the fact that they've got some sharp-ish hair on them, which must be rubbing the close-cupping briefs.
My other observation is I need to do some manscaping. Those briefs really show a lot of skin, and since I want to show them off, I've gotta clean up the areas around them.
Honestly, I never thought I'd ever be buying sexy underwear and cleaning up by appearance 'below the belt'. I seem to get progressively more concerned with these things, as I get progressively more active sexually. But why did I never care with women before?
It wasn't supposed to be like this! I'm a non-sexy-underwear kind of guy! But after checking out some pics somewhere in my Internet travels, I discovered that a) boys look even cuter in designed underwear than the Haynes grey/white versions everyone else wears b) they look comfy as hell and c) my standby grey boxers are boring and unflattering.
With all this in mind, I headed out shopping for a sweater, since it's been so damned cold around here and all my super-winter clothes are tucked away at home. At some point, I passed through The Bay (for my international readers, The Bay is a department store like Sears, only much better. Having never been to a Macy’s before, I can't comment on comparisons to it.)
To get to the men’s clothes, you must walk through the men’s underwear. And with my fledgling underwear obsession still fresh in my mind, I started browsing.
There were all types, the economy models, the sport models, the work models...and the fun models. I was getting a little overwhelmed, since I've worn boxers for a million years and briefs were just so not 'in' during High School, so I didn't end up buying anything. On the way out the door, a mannequin was wearing very sexy 2xist red underwear that immediately caught my eye. I shrugged it off, and headed out.
Friday came and I suffered through another four hours straight of lectures. I'm getting lazier than I should be, hitting the sleep button a little too often...I usually get there on time, but I always stop for coffee on the way, so I have to factor that extra few minutes into my travel time. By Friday, I'm never out the door in time, and always have to get coffee halfway through a lecture, or worse, not at all. (By the way, I love coffee. Just in case you missed that.)
So after class, I gleefully grabbed my bag and headed to The Bay for some shopping. I'd decided the only way to know if I could actually wear/like these underwear was to buy a pair and try them out.
The first thing I noticed arriving in the Men's Undergarments section was that my desired 2xist briefs were 25% off. Ha ha! I'm being sexy and frugal!
The second thing I noticed was the slightly-creepy-rather-gay-old-man who was checking out the 2xist section too...shouldn't that be illegal? I mean, after you hit 45, don't you just wear old plaid boxers?
After reminding myself that I'm a mature person, who understands that all old people are not perverts but simply old and sexually undesirable, I started picking through the booty. I saw lots of the red briefs the mannequin was wearing before, but none of them seemed to be 'interesting' enough. They were just plain red, which is fun, but if I was going to try patterned underwear, then dammit I was buying something with more pizzazz than that.
Next was a pair of briefs, 'no show' briefs I think they call them (honestly, who knew there were more than two kinds of underwear: boxers or briefs?). They were 2 toned blue, with blue and white stripes on the back. I liked them immediately, and decided on taking a pair.
I shifted my gaze to the rows of nondescript boxed briefs. They had simple tags on the top, and trying to figure out what looked like what took forever. A smaller row of boxes sat in the far corner, and I gravitated towards them. 2xist Soy Briefs they were called, and I said what the hell and took one of those too.
Consequently enough, I came home this weekend to visit the frozen wasteland of small-town-bum-fuck-nowhere. It sounds harsh, but I really love my hometown, enough to make all sorts of fun of it. I had stuffed my new purchases in my bag, and pushed them out of my mind as I made the trip to meet my mom at the station.
Upon finally getting home, I headed up to my room to drop off my stuff...and try on my new briefs. I slipped in one leg, then the other, pulled them up to my waist and stared at my nearly naked body and blue-white striped briefs.
"Cute!" I cried out. I don't know what it is, something as functional and boring as underwear, but seeing these patterned, sexy-cut briefs on my (or any other) nearly naked body is just really attractive.
Quickly I pulled on the other Soy pair. They have a beautiful blue main section with a shocking lime green waistband. As soon as I pulled them up, I shivered. They have to be the most comfortable things going. Soft as cashmere, the box said, and as sexy as the other pair.
I changed back into my clothes, shoved the briefs in a drawer, and ignored them until the next day. After wearing them for a full day, I have to say they're damn comfy, feel and look sexy, and I'm ecstatically happy with them. The only strange part is the fact that my balls kept getting randomly itchy throughout the day. I peg it on the fact that they've got some sharp-ish hair on them, which must be rubbing the close-cupping briefs.
My other observation is I need to do some manscaping. Those briefs really show a lot of skin, and since I want to show them off, I've gotta clean up the areas around them.
Honestly, I never thought I'd ever be buying sexy underwear and cleaning up by appearance 'below the belt'. I seem to get progressively more concerned with these things, as I get progressively more active sexually. But why did I never care with women before?
Friday, February 2, 2007
In touch with...
This morning was beautiful. The sun was out (sort of), the air was warm and felt fresh and wonderful on my walk to school. If I didn't know better, I'd swear winter was nearing it's end, and that spring and warmer, sunny days are just around the corner.
I seriously doubt that's the case.
On another note, after checking, I've discovered that I don't actually have my MSN hooked up for my blog account. I've fixed that, so if you want to say hi, add me or e-mail me using frozen.underwear@gmail.com or AIM frozenunderwear.
I'm touched that I've gotten a response for the last two posts I've made. Unfortunately I was on the verge of asking Micifus Phil to add a link to my site, but since he's now offline I guess that won't be happening. I need to generate some traffic! In order to do that, I should probably also do some type of makeover on the site. Anyway, have a good one!
I seriously doubt that's the case.
On another note, after checking, I've discovered that I don't actually have my MSN hooked up for my blog account. I've fixed that, so if you want to say hi, add me or e-mail me using frozen.underwear@gmail.com or AIM frozenunderwear.
I'm touched that I've gotten a response for the last two posts I've made. Unfortunately I was on the verge of asking Micifus Phil to add a link to my site, but since he's now offline I guess that won't be happening. I need to generate some traffic! In order to do that, I should probably also do some type of makeover on the site. Anyway, have a good one!
Blindsided...
I'm sitting here bleary-eyed. My gut feels like someone just shoved their fist into it. My heart has sunk so low, so very sad.
Micifus Phil has left us.
One of my two 'blog heros' (the other being Matt at DTB) has decided to stop his blog. I knew this was coming, in a way. His posts have been more and more mundane, more infrequent, for the month of January. He was detaching himself from his blog, and it showed. But I hoped it was just a phase, something that was distracting him, and that he would return to tell us the next chapter in his newly out life. It looks like we're never going to know what happens next.
I'm a little surprised at my reaction, really. I don't know Phil, have never e-mailed him, never IM-ed him...but I picked up his blog during my period of soul searching back in December, and I felt like I connected to him. He's a lot of things I wish I were: part of 'the team' at school, well adapted to universiy life, dare I say popular in his social circles...the all-American college boy with a heart of gold.
In the days where I felt like I had no chance of turning my life around, I would read Micifus and be filled with emotion. Joy at the fact that a closeted boy had found a 'tkbf', and run around the East Coast with him and his friends. Relief when his friends and ulitmately family accepted his sexuality. Sexuality at the sometimes explicit posts detailing his various romps. Jealousy when he seemed to finally be putting all his pieces together, and his fractured life formed a beautiful picture. And the secret wish to be a fly on the wall the time he and Matt slept together.
Really, it's difficult to string all these feelings together about why I'm so upset. I just seem to have developed a very deep respect and admiration for Phil and how he's handeled his last 8 months. I get so frustrated with myself, being older than he is, realizing that I'm nowhere near where I want to be, yet this 18-year-old wippersnapper has finally learned to love himself and pull off the stereotypical college life too.
That all sounds like petty jealousy, and I freely admit I'm jealous of his life (for the most part). But it's out of complete admiration and love.
Back in December, I'd fostered a crazy notion that I could somehow befriend Phil and actually get to meet this amazing human being. I daydreamed about getting to know him online, then going to visit him in Chicago some day, actually getting to see what his life is like.
One of my biggest struggles right now is trying to define what I want my next year of life to be like. I've got my experiences on one hand, and the stereotypical Hollywood-college influence on the other. Phil was an amazing blend of the two: the athlete-friend-of-all who also had self-doubt and a host of other issues he had to deal with. He was a real person, not some reality show, who because of his blog was able to show us his deepest feelings and emotions.
I don't know why I'm so shook up by the fact he's gone. The biggest lessons were things that I had read in the pre-December postings, other than his coming out to his family. But it's like a friend you just don't want to loose touch of after school ends...there are still stories and expereinces to tell that could and would shape how others look at their lives. Sadly, for the time being, that's not going to happen.
Still, I'm going to e-mail him one of these days. Tell him how much his blog meant to me. Attempt to strike up a friendship with a boy I don't even know. Beg him for advice on how he's gotten where he's gotten. Express my deepest thanks for his inspiration.
Goodbye Micifus Phil, take care of yourself, and always know there's people who wouldn't be the same had they not read your words.
Micifus Phil has left us.
One of my two 'blog heros' (the other being Matt at DTB) has decided to stop his blog. I knew this was coming, in a way. His posts have been more and more mundane, more infrequent, for the month of January. He was detaching himself from his blog, and it showed. But I hoped it was just a phase, something that was distracting him, and that he would return to tell us the next chapter in his newly out life. It looks like we're never going to know what happens next.
I'm a little surprised at my reaction, really. I don't know Phil, have never e-mailed him, never IM-ed him...but I picked up his blog during my period of soul searching back in December, and I felt like I connected to him. He's a lot of things I wish I were: part of 'the team' at school, well adapted to universiy life, dare I say popular in his social circles...the all-American college boy with a heart of gold.
In the days where I felt like I had no chance of turning my life around, I would read Micifus and be filled with emotion. Joy at the fact that a closeted boy had found a 'tkbf', and run around the East Coast with him and his friends. Relief when his friends and ulitmately family accepted his sexuality. Sexuality at the sometimes explicit posts detailing his various romps. Jealousy when he seemed to finally be putting all his pieces together, and his fractured life formed a beautiful picture. And the secret wish to be a fly on the wall the time he and Matt slept together.
Really, it's difficult to string all these feelings together about why I'm so upset. I just seem to have developed a very deep respect and admiration for Phil and how he's handeled his last 8 months. I get so frustrated with myself, being older than he is, realizing that I'm nowhere near where I want to be, yet this 18-year-old wippersnapper has finally learned to love himself and pull off the stereotypical college life too.
That all sounds like petty jealousy, and I freely admit I'm jealous of his life (for the most part). But it's out of complete admiration and love.
Back in December, I'd fostered a crazy notion that I could somehow befriend Phil and actually get to meet this amazing human being. I daydreamed about getting to know him online, then going to visit him in Chicago some day, actually getting to see what his life is like.
One of my biggest struggles right now is trying to define what I want my next year of life to be like. I've got my experiences on one hand, and the stereotypical Hollywood-college influence on the other. Phil was an amazing blend of the two: the athlete-friend-of-all who also had self-doubt and a host of other issues he had to deal with. He was a real person, not some reality show, who because of his blog was able to show us his deepest feelings and emotions.
I don't know why I'm so shook up by the fact he's gone. The biggest lessons were things that I had read in the pre-December postings, other than his coming out to his family. But it's like a friend you just don't want to loose touch of after school ends...there are still stories and expereinces to tell that could and would shape how others look at their lives. Sadly, for the time being, that's not going to happen.
Still, I'm going to e-mail him one of these days. Tell him how much his blog meant to me. Attempt to strike up a friendship with a boy I don't even know. Beg him for advice on how he's gotten where he's gotten. Express my deepest thanks for his inspiration.
Goodbye Micifus Phil, take care of yourself, and always know there's people who wouldn't be the same had they not read your words.
Wednesday, January 31, 2007
It's over...
So I'm exhausted, from sex and being up early and going to bed late and from the emotional baggage of telling Lisa I'm bi.
(Longest run-on sentence in history.)
I'm not going into details right now, because I want to post a fully-fleshed-out recount of what happened. But, I will say that things went fine in my coming out to her, she took it completely fine and made sure I was aware that she really, truely, 100% didn't care.
That was last night. I then managed, for some reason I don't understand (since I wasn't planning on it) to sleep with a guy tonight. It was good, but I've got bite marks on my neck, and my upper right lip and right earlobe are swolen and hurting like a bitch right now. Damn, that boy liked to be rough!
(Longest run-on sentence in history.)
I'm not going into details right now, because I want to post a fully-fleshed-out recount of what happened. But, I will say that things went fine in my coming out to her, she took it completely fine and made sure I was aware that she really, truely, 100% didn't care.
That was last night. I then managed, for some reason I don't understand (since I wasn't planning on it) to sleep with a guy tonight. It was good, but I've got bite marks on my neck, and my upper right lip and right earlobe are swolen and hurting like a bitch right now. Damn, that boy liked to be rough!
Monday, January 29, 2007
Give it a try...
I've decided to come out to my best friend at school, Lisa. I was going to do it Thursday night, I was psyched and ready to go, but our plans got cancelled, and I wasn't just going to send her an e-mail, "Oh, by the way, I'm bisexual, just so you know."
I don't really even know what I'm going to say to her, since this will be my first time coming out to anyone. So far in my mind, I've decided to tell her that I'm bi, that I've been with guys before so I know I'm sure, that I'm not turning into a different person now that I've told her, that I'm alright myself with my choice and sexuality, and that I don't know where to go from here.
Honestly I don't even know why I have this insane urge to tell her. I mean, I've been waiting years to tell anyone I suppose, but really, what will it change about my life? It's not the coming out to my close friends that scares me, it's coming out to the 'world at large', and having it get back to my family. I don't really worry that people in Toronto will look down on me because of my sexuality, but I still am scared that things will go somehow badly if I start telling people.
Also, as a bi guy, there's really so much and so little to tell at the same time. It's not like I'm fully gay, where I have to swear off women to my friends so they know I'm attracted to men. But it's not like I'm fully straight, and as a result have to show the rest of the world I'm open to guys as well.
It's also bringing up a lot of questions about what kind of bisexual I'm going to be. So far, I've met guys that embrace it almost as much as homosexual men embrace their sexuality: they participate in gay pride, they gay club, they date guys openly, and they also have women somewhere in there too. I've met the type that sleeps with guys, but doesn't really broadcast it, just allows it to happen if he meets another gay/bi guy, or if he hooks up online. That type doesn't really one way or the other broadcast to the world what their sexual preferences are. Then there's the closet bi guys, like I am right now. Nobody knows they're bi except the men they sleep with, and they're fine with it that way, because they're "just bi. What's there to say."
Since I'm a non-scene kind of guy, I don't think I'll be joining the rainbow group at school, participating in Pride parades or going to many gay clubs. Part of the reson I don't already is because I have no gay friends, so it's a little hard to break into that world without any 'in's. But at the same time, I don't want to live in the closet for the rest of my life, because I'm never going to actually meet anyone that will date me by surfing online sites. I mean, it's a possibility, but I really don't see it working out. Besides, it's hard to date someone when everyone around you thinks your straight. It kinda brings up some questions...
Anyway, I know (hope) Lisa will take it well. Her best friend from her hometown is gay, and he came out last summer, so it's not going to be a huge thing for her. Besides, I think she already knows/suspects, since she's asked me a few times if I'm sure I'm not gay. They were joking comments, but still, some of the things I've said over the years must sound pretty...gay.
I just hope this doesn't signifigantly change our relationship, or her perception of me. I don't really think it will, but at the same time anything is possible. I'll just stress to her the fact that I'm the same person I've always been since she's known me, but just felt the need to get this off my chest.
I don't really even know what I'm going to say to her, since this will be my first time coming out to anyone. So far in my mind, I've decided to tell her that I'm bi, that I've been with guys before so I know I'm sure, that I'm not turning into a different person now that I've told her, that I'm alright myself with my choice and sexuality, and that I don't know where to go from here.
Honestly I don't even know why I have this insane urge to tell her. I mean, I've been waiting years to tell anyone I suppose, but really, what will it change about my life? It's not the coming out to my close friends that scares me, it's coming out to the 'world at large', and having it get back to my family. I don't really worry that people in Toronto will look down on me because of my sexuality, but I still am scared that things will go somehow badly if I start telling people.
Also, as a bi guy, there's really so much and so little to tell at the same time. It's not like I'm fully gay, where I have to swear off women to my friends so they know I'm attracted to men. But it's not like I'm fully straight, and as a result have to show the rest of the world I'm open to guys as well.
It's also bringing up a lot of questions about what kind of bisexual I'm going to be. So far, I've met guys that embrace it almost as much as homosexual men embrace their sexuality: they participate in gay pride, they gay club, they date guys openly, and they also have women somewhere in there too. I've met the type that sleeps with guys, but doesn't really broadcast it, just allows it to happen if he meets another gay/bi guy, or if he hooks up online. That type doesn't really one way or the other broadcast to the world what their sexual preferences are. Then there's the closet bi guys, like I am right now. Nobody knows they're bi except the men they sleep with, and they're fine with it that way, because they're "just bi. What's there to say."
Since I'm a non-scene kind of guy, I don't think I'll be joining the rainbow group at school, participating in Pride parades or going to many gay clubs. Part of the reson I don't already is because I have no gay friends, so it's a little hard to break into that world without any 'in's. But at the same time, I don't want to live in the closet for the rest of my life, because I'm never going to actually meet anyone that will date me by surfing online sites. I mean, it's a possibility, but I really don't see it working out. Besides, it's hard to date someone when everyone around you thinks your straight. It kinda brings up some questions...
Anyway, I know (hope) Lisa will take it well. Her best friend from her hometown is gay, and he came out last summer, so it's not going to be a huge thing for her. Besides, I think she already knows/suspects, since she's asked me a few times if I'm sure I'm not gay. They were joking comments, but still, some of the things I've said over the years must sound pretty...gay.
I just hope this doesn't signifigantly change our relationship, or her perception of me. I don't really think it will, but at the same time anything is possible. I'll just stress to her the fact that I'm the same person I've always been since she's known me, but just felt the need to get this off my chest.
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