Different life, different path...

A gay boy avoided setting off my gay-dar.

He’s my age, my year, cute in a scruffy sort of way. I always had wondered about him; he had that indie edge that could either mean homo or homo-wannabe. The last few times, I’ve always been left with a sense of wonder…what if…I mean, he’s cute! And how fun would it be to fool around with someone in my program!?

Add to that, I’ve felt the last few times we’ve been in the same room his eyes were on me. Of all people, he seemed to pointedly say hi and engage in conversation with me. At first I wondered why; he’s pretentious most of the time and I was always worried he didn’t really care for my presence. But after a while, I started to feel like he was treating me a little differently than others.

His outing came via a mutual friend. We were walking together, she complaining about straight men, me agreeing with her analyses. “Actually, I don’t think I have any straight male friends,” she said. Of course, knowing that she was a good friend of Scruffy Boy triggered that inner question, and as much as I wanted to respect his privacy, I also really wanted to know.

“But what about Scruffy Boy?” I asked.

“Oh, he’s gay. Super gay. Done practically everything that it takes to make you gay, but he doesn’t really admit it to himself,” she said, matter-of-factly.

“Whaa?” I said, confused. I mean, of all the people I expected to be fine with being gay, he would be one.

“Yeah, he’s sort of in denial, doesn’t really tell anyone about it, and isn’t really out yet,” she said, still walking, staring straight ahead.

“But…why? He hangs out with a bunch of gay guys all the time,” I countered.

“Small town, conservative family that wouldn’t take it well, that kind of thing. I guess he doesn’t want to lead a double life.”

“He would be so good at it, though, I mean he already has the connections…” I trailed off.

“Really, he’s just not comfortable with it yet. I’m one of the only people he’s totally honest with, don’t know why…” she said.

“Probably because you’re the one who’s sorta pro-gay,” I laughed, and she nodded.

I should have stopped there, but I prodded on.

“Is he seeing anyone then?”

“Not right now,” she said, then dropped the bombshell. “But last year, he was dating this guy for a few months.”

“Nice,” I said, “I’m glad for him. But how’d they meet?” Always on the lookout for tips…

“Funny story, he actually got picked up by some guy in 4th year. Yeah, this guy totally just picked him out of the crowd, started talking him up, then they were going out,” she said as my jaw dropped.

“Aww, that’s sweet. Well, I’m glad he got to have that while he was even deeper in the closet,” I managed. It’s true, I am happy for him. But the story made me a little sad, too, because I’m selfish and self-centred about things like relationships.

How ironic that my classmate, who was always deeper in the closet than I was, got picked out of a crowd by an older guy, swept off his feet and wound up in a relationship longer than any I’ve ever encountered.

I tried to fight it, but I couldn’t help it. The question sits in front of me unanswered; why him, not me? How him, not me? Not to discount his pain and agony from being perpetually closeted, but damn, he was on a roll for a guy that I wasn’t even sure was gay.

He basically lived what I had fantasized about, the hidden hope I had when I went off to university. Just be yourself, and somehow someone will open up to you and you’ll find your path. That, I always hoped, would mean someone would ‘tell’, and take my hand and walk me out of the closet, and maybe even love me along the way.

It’s a bit of a kick in the balls to know that the guy sitting a few seats down from me got my wish. Obviously it didn’t turn out like mine would possibly have, but still, he’s damn lucky to have that experience under his belt. I guess it just goes to solidify my bizarre path in life, my seemingly constant difference from others and unlucky circumstance that has kept me from experiencing that.

Hell, even now as an ‘out’ guy, I’ve never had anyone remotely move on me, let alone the ‘experienced older student’.

I’m now caught in a bit of an ethical pickle. I’d love for him to know that I know, for him to know that I’m gay, and I’d love to talk about it all. But I technically shouldn’t even know, because it’s not like I figured it out by myself. Someone else told me about a closeted guy, and I just don’t feel right bold-faced asking him about it, even though we’ve got the similar background.

There’s always the ‘hint about it’ method, but again, that implies that I know about him, and I’d feel pretty bad if he thought people were talking about it behind his back. I’m sure the only reason she told me was the fact that we’re a) all friends and b)gay.

And of course, now knowing for certain Scruffy Boy is gay doesn’t make me want to jump his bones less…but that’s getting wayyy ahead of myself. Strangely I would feel less ethically wrong if I slept with him without talking about it. But then again, that would sorta confirm things without verbal communication…

It’s a delicate situation, I’m a nice guy, and I’m not sure if I should just drop the subject altogether or tread lightly forward.