I'm being shoved back into the closet, albeit temporarily.
And I'm not even talking about back home! Though, naturally, like all closet issues, it relates to home. Tomorrow night a group of us are going out to celebrate the end of the semester. This group includes several good friends, as well as one girl I went to high school with, who's visiting my roommate.
Laura asked me yesterday about what we were going to do. "Actually, everybody knows about you except her of the people going with us!" she said, concerned. "What do you want us to do?"
I looked at her. What should they need to do? I mean, it's not like I'm going with a guy on my arm, and the chances that we'd get into a 'gay' conversation are pretty remote...yet I started to get a little nervous. I mean, what if she finds out? I apparently 'act differently' around my Toronto crew than I do with people from home/high school, and Laura was concerned that one of the Toronto people would out me through a casual conversation.
This doesn't scare me, really, but for the fact the girl visiting would no doubt be blabbing the news around bright and early the next morning. Essentially, she would be one of the people I would fear would do the very thing I want to avoid; making a big spectacle of my sexuality even though it has nothing to do with her or anyone she'd talk to.
"How about I just tell everyone not to bring it up," Laura said. "I just would feel terrible if somebody said something that outed you completely by accident, so if I say something now they'll be good with watching their conversations..."
I agreed, hesitantly. It makes me feel bad, causing such reaction that we now have to watch what we say in our own home so that I don't get outed to the town crier.
But still, is this a bad price to pay so I don't get put under the microscope?
However it goes, I don't plan on hiding too much. Worse comes to worse, though I won't be saying "I'm gay" to anyone, I don't have a problem with her drawing her own conclusions...besides, if I'm talking gay with someone, she probably wouldn't be involved in the conversation anyway. I don't plan on censoring much of anything, because there really shouldn't be anything to censor! We're not going to a strip club, it's just a bunch of people going out to celebrate Christmas and the end of school.
So why am I a little worried?...
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Christmas shopping is not going well.
Nevermind my parents are impossible to buy for, plus my grandfather...but my few friends I plan on buying gifts aren't making it easy for me either.
The most common answer I've received is, "I don't really need anything," followed by, "There's nothing I really want."
I'll admit, I fall into that camp relatively easily. The only presents I've 'asked' for was stuff I bought and was promptly taken from me to be used as Christmas presents. But why is it so impossible for my generation to think of things they want for Christmas? I mean, we're all starving students after all...yet I can think of very few things I simply do not have or cannot afford, other than luxury items I'd never be given anyway.
Perhaps it's time to get all philosophical and tell my friends, family and neighbors that Christmas is about spreading the love and not about consumerism. I've never been bogged down in the "me-me-me" thinking of Christmas, so it's not like I'm discovering this for the first time. Still...it makes me wonder. I mean, does the fact that I don't ask for something I might really need say that I already have everything in life I currently require? Of course, that doesn't mean I bought the $600 D&G sweater I'm in love with...but damn, I don't really need that anyway.
Currently sitting under my Christmas tree, with my name on it:
-2 Boss shirts, both of which I'll be stealing for different Christmas functions so I look hot
-1 pair Boss pants, currently being tailored...so not even under the tree yet
-1 chest of Bordeaux wines
-1 1kg Cadbury's milk chocolate bar, imported from England
Hmm...other than a new camera, I really don't think I need much else (and I don't even 'need' a new camera). And looking at that little list, I've already got more than many others will see.
So now I've just got to focus on getting some things for other people. And who knows, maybe I'll buy a goat for some African village to actually get something somebody really needs.
4 comments:
I totally get why you would be worried. I feel the same way in certain situations, like when I am hanging out both with people whom I'm out to, and those who aren't. It makes things awkward.
It'll be fine though. :P Possibly awkward, but fine.
I feel badly too everytime I hang out with the one girl I am out to and the rest of our friends...
She always tells me in private that they will not care but I always respond with "I am not ready yet" LOL!
Luckly, she isn't the type that to muzzle....she is good with keeping quiet. But like you, I still feel bad that she has to monitor what she says when we are out with others because when we are together we talk about guys all the time.
LOL!
I'll leave the sorting out of your straight and gay friends to others.
As far as Christmas goes, find a photo of yourself that you like (I know we all hate pics taken of ourselves......but still) and purchase a good picture frame. Honestly this would mean more to your folks than anything else you could purchase them.
You know everyone will know at some point? Why not let some one else out you? This way you don't have to do the whole sit down, "we need to talk", thing.
Plus, maybe every one who hears it will just take it as a rumor and brush it off. Then, when you do come all the way out, they will have known all ready. Thus making the situation that much easier.
My thing is, why stifle yourself? Will coming out make your life easier or harder than it is now? I would hate trying to juggle who knows and who doesn't. minding what people say and do around certain people.
Then again, I'm pushing 30.
Check out my article on National Coming Out Day.
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