Four-score and 365 days ago...

A year ago I had my first gay encounter.

It wasn't sexual, it wasn't even really friendly, but we both felt it and it affirmed the fear within me that I had no idea what I was doing.

We were out in a university town, my friends and I from home guests of a few friends who had gone to this school. I couldn't get over how differently they socialized compared to other schools; here it felt almost like the American college system. The group of friends, 25 of them, were inseparable. They lived together, had class together, went to the bars together...it was nice.

New Years Eve saw us entering one of the 'fancier' bars, the foreign guests and the locals mixing together to celebrate the new year. I was with a few of my closest friends, so that was really all that mattered to me, and quite drunk by the time the dancing started. I think I was even having fun.

He had crossed my field of vision a few times through the night, talking to some of the people in our party but never speaking to me directly. I didn't even know his name, only that he was a friend of one of their group, along for the festivities.

Something inside me pulled me to him, unlike anything I had experienced before. I just knew he was gay. No reason why, and he certainly was very 'straight acting', especially in this small-town homophobe crowd. It was so peculiar to me, to feel this 6th sense somewhere in the back of my mind shouting that I should do something with this guy.

For me, it was bizarre. Remember, this was roughly a week after I'd started this blog, and I was just beginning to understand the idea of what being gay meant and that I really wanted to pursue my attraction to men. And there I was, overstimulated and wondering what to do next.

He passed in front of me a few times through the evening, never really speaking or even seeing me, but each time he did I wondered what move I should make next. How could I get his attention, signal to him that I knew?

Midnight was fast approaching, only minutes away, when I noticed him sitting on the sidelines with a few other people, not really talking. I was there alone that night, and it seemed like he was as well, other happy couples bouncing around him. This was it.

I walked over to him, and he looked up at me. I can still remember the look in his eyes, that glance of confusion at first, but ultimately of some unspoken understanding.

"Hey, what are you doing sitting down," I asked. "It's almost midnight. You should be up here," I said, motioning towards the dance floor.

He gave me a bit of a smile, and awkwardly rose to his feet. We walked the few steps to the edge of the floor, as the countdown approached...10, 9, 8...

I looked behind me. He was standing there. Now what do I do?

...7, 6, 5...

In front of me, a friend was standing, shouting out the numbers with the crowd. I joined in, unable to do much else.

...4, 3, 2...

As the numbers came to a close, I shot a glance behind me, to see the boy walking back towards the sidelines. I guess it was a...

...1...

...failure. My friend reached out and grabbed me in a hug, screaming happy new year in my ear while I put the previous moments events to the back of my mind and sipped on my drink, welcoming 2007.

Of course, looking back at it now, it was an interesting and funny experience. I can laugh now, because when I think about it, what exactly was I going to do? Start making out with a guy, surrounded by my friends who thought I was straight in a homophobic college town bar at midnight on New Years? Would I sneak him down a back alley and blow him? Would he grab my hand and hold it as the streamers fell from the ceiling? Hardly.

It's funny that it happened. I hadn't really thought about it much until a little while ago, when we were again planning our celebration for the year. But in some way, I guess it was another step in the journey.

Tonight I'll be in Toronto, surrounded by friends. When midnight comes, I'm going to be alone again, a little anxious of what to do with myself while couples all around me embrace and probe each others mouths for leftover bits of hors douvres. I'm not crazy about going out with a group of almost exclusively all couples...except for the other two single guys who are coming along. But they have a nasty habit of picking up single women when out at bars, so I don't think we'll have a good shot at standing awkwardly together.

In the off chance that some guy sets off my gaydar, and is standing awkwardly himself at the dawn of the new year, I think I just may know better than last year how to handle the situation.

To all of you I wish the very best for health, happiness and love in 2008. The new year really can be a clean slate, and no matter if the changes you wish to make are small or big, I hope you find a way to make your dreams come true.