Saturday, December 15, 2007

Get thee to a gym...

My mother doesn't know how to be helpful sometimes.

This is yet another classic example of her 'trying to help' with things in life. We were talking about nothing, and out of the blue she tells me, "The gym is having $25 passes for students for the Christmas holidays until school starts again."

What she didn't say was, "You should join."

I took a few seconds to decide how I should respond to this. I played it at face value. "Oh, that's nice."

The thing that drives me mad is her inability to just come out and say 'Lets go to the gym together while you're home, it'll be easy and you might like it.' She just drops this 'hint' out of nowhere, I guess expecting me to jump all over it with excitement.

Truthfully, I would love to join the gym. I'm thinned down. I'm not toned up. This needs fixing if I am ever to be exposing my upper arms, chest and stomach to anyone under more than a candle-glow of light. And God-willing that will be soon, so I need to start working now.

But my problem is, I have no idea what one does at a gym, or how they do it. Hell, I don't even know what guys wear at a gym. I don't own a stitch of sport clothing, or even 'running shoes'. And that isn't even the biggest part.

I was never an athletic kid in school. Far from it, I hated (and still hate) sports, the jock mentality and the cliquiness of physical fitness. I've been so under-exposed to it that I have very little concept of what one does in a gym, other than some very clever porn movies I might have seen. And something tells me marathon sex on the mats isn't what the gym is all about.

I'll admit it, I'm scared of the gym. I'm scared of people (boys) with nicer bodies than mine, scared of people (boys) who will undoubtedly laugh at me while I haplessly try to navigate this 'fitness' thing. Even though I'm sure most people are quite nice, I can't help but associate gym-goers with jocks. It's like prisoners in a jail, you instantly tense up when surrounded by people who are so out of your element.

But I want to start going, I want to learn what you do, and I want to overcome this insanity that is my complete lack of knowledge about gym practices.

The biggest issue is simply that I do not have any skills at all. I wouldn't know what you do with a weight, how far and fast you run on a treadmill, how to use something called an 'elliptical trainer'. And I'm embarrassed, because I'm a boy, and boys are supposed to know how to do this stuff.

I essentially would be a danger to myself and others.

"I wouldn't even know what to do at a gym," I told her, sort of expecting some answer as to how one starts to learn about working out. "It'd be totally new to me, I haven't got a clue how you do anything..."

She paused. "Oh, well, I'm sure people would help you get started..."

What in hell is that supposed to mean? Talk about making me not feel any better about the situation! At least she could have told me a story about someone new to the gym, and how they made out. But no, she just figures people would 'help me out'!?

So boys, tell me, how does one start going to a gym? And how does one do so without making an ass out of himself?

8 comments:

IronKnee said...

A gym is a business, and they're eager to provide customer satisfaction. There really will be people there (employees eager to keep customers) who will show you how to use the machines and the weights. If it's a good gym with professional employees, they won't make fun of you, and you're certainly won't be the first one to show up with your lack of expertise. Most gyms offer a few "get to know us" sessions before they make you join. Go to one or two of those and see what it's like. I think you'll discover that the only thing gym-goers have in common is a desire to get more healthy. I can pretty much guarantee that the vast majority of the people at the gym will be just as inept as you, only MUCH older.

Anonymous said...

Ok, go speak to the gym staff. You'll almost certainly get given a qurstionaire when you first go in and based ok that they should work out a plan for you. I told my gym that I didn't want I get too muscular and all I really wanted to do is tone up. They walked me around and showed me how to use stuff and for how long. I even had a card that I could pick up each time I went there to remind me what to do. Eventually I realized that I really fancied the runners at the gym so I started to copy their routines instead, based mainly on cardio, as they had the type of body I wanted.
All you need is a tshirt, 'track pants' and running shoes. Take a small towel, a bottle of water and your iPod. That's it.

Anonymous said...

oh, and sorry about all those typos! Still not used to my iPhone

Aek said...

Yeah, I used to hate going to the gym too for exactly the same reasons. Luckily, I have a few friends who go with me now, so I don't feel completely out of place. Also, some of my friends are just as out of shape as I am, so it's all good.

I find that no one actually laughs at you (though it may feel like it). The first few times might be rough while you get the hang of things, but soon you'll have a routine.

The general rule of thumb for running (for me): run as much as possible until you can't really run anymore. Then try to improve on that every few times. The weights, get a friend or get a trainer. Or ask someone, you might be surprised how friendly people can be.

blueyedboy said...

Hmm, well I think that everyone's already said all that needs saying on this. I personally wear shorts (like football/soccer shorts) and a polo shirt, and as has already been suggested, you'll definitely want a small towel and a bottle of water. There's nothing more annoying than going to use a machine and finding it covered in the sweat of whoever was using it last, so the towel is a must.

If you're going to join a 'commerical' gym, then like the other guys have said, they'll have staff to show you how to use the machines, and suggest what to do/for how long depending on what your individual goals are. I've only ever really used my old university gym (going to join the one here after Christmas) and so at somewhere like that then they'll give you an induction so you know how to use all the machines, but won't necessarily give you any sort of personalised training advice.

Get yourself on the running machine, and increase/decrease the speed til you're comfortable with it, and then just run for as long as you can. If you're out of shape then you might only manage 5 minutes, but you just keep doing it every time you go and try to increase your time.

Weights machines are self explanatory usually, and more often than not they'll have instructions on them if you're not sure how to use them. Heavy weights with fewer reps are for really building muscle, or lighter weights with more reps are better for toning... I think. Free weights can be a bit more intimidating as it's easier to get it wrong - but just try and watch what the other guys do and copy them. Or buy one of those fitness magazines, or just search online for ideas. Then do your sit-ups and crunches for your abs.

Also, you have to remember your diet in all of this. If you're doing lots of physical exercise then you'll probably start eating more - and if you want to put on muscle then you'll need to up the amount of protein in your diet. So you want lots of complex carbs for energy (think pasta, rice, wholemeal bread etc.), and chicken, tuna etc. for protein... Or if you're a veggie then think pasta/rice again, as well as tofu, pulses, other grains like cous cous, low fat yogurt, cottage cheese, crispbreads etc. Basically, if you don't currently look at food labels for these sorts of things, then start now!

Steve said...

Does everybody go to the damn gym!?

Mike said...

I only started going to the gym this year. There are all people of different shapes and sizes there. Some eager to work out, others just hang around like it is the cool place to be. Nobody really stares at you or make you feel uncomfortable. Everyone is there doing there own thing.

You can always go back to your mom and say that might be a nice way to meet people or your friends are going to the gym or something.

Good luck!

Anonymous said...

haha, i haven't been for a while... i still seem to be paying my membership tho!