Oh, so thats all it takes...

Last Thursday evening was a blast, even if it was a little rushed. I gawked in horror at the fact that I had a midterm that night until 7 p.m. Resigned to the fact I had to concentrate, and was missing the company of my out of town friends, I wrote my midterm. The second I was done I bolted out the door and headed to Laura's apartment.

* * * * * * *
Laura and I were very close friends through high school. She was also the first girl I'd really fallen for. We've got this chemestry that still hangs around to this day, which can make for some pretty interesting evenings. But when I wanted to go out with her during high school, she wasn't interested in dating anyone. Time passed, I figured it was long gone. She came to Toronto to school, and I moved on.

Then two summers ago, the summer before I came to Toronto, we fired things back up while she was home for summer break. We both were interested again, it seemed, and we were headed in the right direction. But I thought to myself, "I'm moving to a new city, and even though she lives there too, I don't want to rely on her instead of meeting new people." She apparently thought the same thing, though we never discussed it with each other.

I found out in December of that year from her sister's boyfriend that she had been crazy about me that summer, and had wanted to get into something. He even named the weekend in early August where she was about to ask me out. But her conscious had told her not to bother me when I was about to start a new chapter in life, with the possibility of meeting someone new.

That chemestry haunts me sometimes. One of the first times she came to visit me in residence, we ran into a girl who lived down the hall from me. Laura was on roller blades, demanding that I pull her along the carpeted floor. I, naturally, was being a pain about it, and at one point we almost ended up on the grond. After I had piled her into the elevator, my neighbour came to talk to me.

"Wow. So are you guys dating? You're such a couple."

Yeah, that pretty much hit it on the head. A couple who don't date.
* * * * * * *

I arrived at her apartment, threw one very large and very stiff rum and coke down my throat, and we headed back out to the show. There were a bunch of us, Laura, her roommate and his friend, Laura's sister and her boyfriend, some other couple and me. On the elevator ride down, Laura and her sister were fidgeting with their bras a little more than usual. I gave her a look, and she pulled two joints out of her strap.

"Ah. Cool."

Once inside the Air Canada Centre, our big arena/music venue, we found our seats in time to hear the rather pathetic music of 'Buck 65', some sort of rap/hip-hop performed by white guys. I'm not a rap fan, so Joe (the sister's bf) and I headed to buy some beers. $18 and two very small pints later, we were back in our seats. Buck 65 finished, and Joe and I got to have a great chat. He's a friend from highschool too, we go back a long way.

The Tragically Hip came on stage to a roar of mostly 20-30-something audience members, sloshing their beer about in rythem to the beat. I got into the show too, they were pretty awesome players and for being 'new rock' they really know how to not screw it up.

Of course, through the concert, I was also checking out the bevy of hot guys who came either in groups of guys or with their presumed girlfriends. As I was studying them, I was shocked at how much of a carbon copy they were of each other. Practically all of them were wearing the same type of clothes, had the same haircuts, and the same looking girlfriends on their arms.

I wondered then if that's all it takes to be successful in both social and sexual endevors. To be the successful, typical 'college guy' you must wear:
-a polo of either short or long sleeved variety. Bonus points given if you wear it with the collar up, and have a well displayed necklace of some variety
-a hoodie. Specifically not just anything with a hood, but something that is your sweater/shirt and has a well-covering hoodie
-a baseball hat, perched at any angle other than straight
-jeans that are not ripped/frayed or stone washed, but are more skater-like, or khakis that are a darker shade, also of the skater variety

So the reason I've been single all through college is the fact I've missed the dress code memo. Well, 'dress for success' they always say...I of course find it hard to believe that if I indeed pull on a polo and baseball hat I would become an instant success. But still, it's pretty amazing to think that all it takes is a certain kind of shirt or a hood to give you an advantage.

The show ended, we headed back to Laura's place for more drinks and hanging out. I bailed wayyy to early because I had another mid-term Friday morning that I couldn't exactly miss. But I had a great time, came home to a nice surprise, felt very happy, and did my part to better the scientific understanding of being in college.

I will post...tomorrow...

I promise a more fully realized, better written, deeper, more professional post tomorrow.

On the weekend I thought of literally 4 or 5 topics to post on. But since I've been kinda caught up in something else, I didn't get to write any of those. Plus, the last post wasn't exactly detail-heavy...he's cute, shorter than me, non-slutty, loves movies and old music and Sex and the City...

Could it be...

Ahh...back to civilization. Back to the busy city streets, lights that burn all night, car horns and aeroplanes and being harassed by the homeless.

I had a brilliant weekend up North, doing the whole Canadian cabin-in-the-woods thing with my parents. We played in the snow and had fires and generally enjoyed the Canadian winter, with this being the first time we've gone up yonder to enjoy the outdoors. I didn't get any skiing in sadly, but I've got some plans to go soon with a friend. Skip a day of school, head to a ski hill not too far from the city, and ski my ass off for the day.

While I was away I made several observations about myself. I enjoyed the time with my family immensely, as I always do, but I couldn't help thinking to myself how much sweeter the weekend would have been had I someone to share it with. Sitting in front of the fire, drinking beer and staring out at the frozen lake, throwing snowballs at each other, dinner, swimming in the pool, relaxing in the sauna, climbing into that queen sized bed...

I also can't believe how much I missed my daily writing. It was hard not to think of a million things to say, and resist the urge to pull out a pad of paper and start jotting things down. But I didn't...any my memory is shot tonight, so the big musing of the weekend was about actually wanting someone to share it with.

My time back in the city has also been pretty interesting and unexpected. I arrived home Monday night, tire, resigned to studying for midterms. I had been in the door about half an hour when I started talking to Brian, a guy who I've chatted with on and off for the past few weeks. Our conversations always were a little strained, with me imagining him as some rather uninterested, fabulous guy who was wasting his time talking to me. But it turns out, he's a lot like I am.

We talked about each others weekends, and he admitted that he hadn't done much of anything. I was shocked, considering my pre-fabricated ideas about him. Then, with piles of work over my head, I said the words I can't seem to stop saying, "Would you like to do something tonight?"

An hour and a bit later, I was on a streetcar headed to meet him for dinner. We ate, talked, laughed a lot, smiled coyly at each other, got lost in each others stares, went for drinks after a two hour dinner, and parted awkwardly at the subway station. It was amazing. I had a successful date.

When I got home, I did some last-ditch studying, and headed for bed. But I couldn't bring myself to shut my phone off. I stared at it for a few minutes, so much on my mind. Basically, the evening ended a little too coldly for my liking, and I wanted him to know it. I wanted to give him a passionate kiss on the tracks and leave him wanting more. But there were people all around us, and no matter how gay-friendly Toronto is, I couldn't bring myself to do it in that public of a place.

So there I was, 1:20 a.m., cell in hand. I opted for e-mail instead (so I could shut my phone off and still get his reply). I wrote simply: "I wish I had kissed you at the station."

This morning, when I checked my mail, he had replied a minute after my message. "I wish you had as well."

With a smile on my face, I headed to class. Halfway through, my phone vibrates a sticatto pulse. New text message.

"Hey, I wondered if you wanted to go for coffee after your class?"

At 3 p.m. we met up again, went for coffee, which turned into shopping, which turned into walking around the city, freezing ourselves and our ears in the process. We chatted, did more awkward smiling at each other. And then I asked him.

"What are you doing for Valentines Day."

So now we have plans for tomorrow night, involving iced cream, mini frozen pizzas, Sex and the City and some rather bad wine.

Tonight, while I was hanging out at Lisa's, he called me out of the blue. Just wanting to chat. Asking if I was cold, since it's snowing like crazy tonight. I promised to call him back when I got home.

And I did. We talked for an hour about nothing in particular, he told me he hoped he wasn't boring me to death; I laughed and told him the same thing. We both said about a million times how much we're looking forward to tomorrow night, though never really discussing what tomorrow night will be all about. I said goodnight, since I'm really wiped and need to get some sleep.

Three minues later, my cell vibrates. New text message.

"Am i allowed to say i really like you :)"

Oh God. What am I getting myself into?...

Surely you've touched mine...

I've got the grins.

Honestly, it's true. Ok, so I smoked some pot tonight...but thats only making it feel sweeter.

I've gotta thank everyone who's emailed me, and of course the wonderful Tim at I Think I Might Be Gay for the kind words and blogging about little old me. Its quite a treat to be complimented by the likes of you Tim, and I really have been touched by the e-mails I've received. It's nice to know there's someone out there listening to my rants.

Hopefully you've all got busy weekends, because I'm going to be out of town, and out of Internet access from now 'till Monday night. But I'll be back with my observations of the Tragically Hip concert I was at tonight, including ponderings on why there are so many hot college guys who go to Hip concerts. Oh, and I've lined up some dates for the next week or two...God knows how it's going to go since I'm kinda closeted still...but I'll complain to you later!

Cheers!

My eye is on...

I haven't really been attracted to any guys I've seen on the street, other than a "he's hot" type of attention. Sure, I see lots of hot guys every day walking past me, but I never really imagine anything other than them naked. But lately I've realized there are a few boys on my radar.

One is the Starbucks Guy. He's got to be 19-20, with soft brown hair, a really cute face and eyes you can get lost in. I see him a couple times a week when I visit a certain Starbucks during the day, and he usually talks to me. Nothing really big, but the general "Hi, how are you" type of chat. I know that as an employee you're supposed to butter up the customer, but I like to think he's genuinely friendly. He's also got a really cute voice. It's not high pitched, but it's not lower either, it falls somewhere in the middle. But it's very distinct.

I don't know when it passed from checking him out to a semi-crush on the Starbucks Guy, but now every time I go, I hope that he's working, and that I get to see him smile and say hi. He just looks so damn cute standing there behind the counter, with his green apron on. I wonder if he thinks I'm checking him out, because I often will turn and look at him on my way out the door, and kinda smile stupidly.

So how do you pick up a guy like that? First, is he gay? Who knows, if he is it isn't super-obvious. Second, how do I put the moves on him in a public place? I wouldn't even know what to say...probably something along the lines of "What do you do when you're not working?..." I'm inept at picking anyone up, male or female, but he seems like a pretty laid-back kind of guy. Who knows, maybe one of these days I'll just come out and say it.

The second guy is in one of my classes. I'd never seen him before this semester started, and none of my friends seem to know him. But he's cute, and very obviously gay. I've started at him through several classes, and seen him looking at me too. He's tall, dark haired and wears the ugliest jacket I've ever seen (I'm sure it's some sort of fashion statement). I've taken a bit of a liking to him, who knows why considering I don't know him. But I can't keep my eyes off him sometimes...

Two weeks ago, while we were on break from the class, I went for a walk to stretch my legs. He was standing in the hallway, and as I walked by he smiled at me. I smiled, and stopped, and we chatted for a minute about how we like the class. He was really friendly, which was nice, but as we were talking a person I needed to harass for notes walked by, so I had to cut our conversation short. It was sad, because at the very least I could have made a new friend...hopefully we get another opportunity to talk again soon.

I'm the worst at just walking up to someone and saying hi. Once I meet people, I'm generally fine with conversation, but as far as out-of-the-blue introductions, I'm not good at all. There's a list of people I'd love to get to know from my classes, but I really have no way of introducing myself to them. I'm always paranoid that they generally would think I'm some sort of clingy weirdo if I just walked up to them and started talking. Ah well, another life skill I need to work on.

So my two semi-crushes, Starbucks Guy and Class Guy, are staying on my radar until I figure out what to do next.

Pay it no mind...

Why do we care so much what other people, particularily our friends, think of us and of our actions?

The reason is obvious, with most people we would hate for them to look at us as if we were strange and associating with us would be socially undesireable. So we alter ourselves, not necessarily drastic changes, but enough so that people won't be put off by something we said or did.

Case in point, yesterday afternoon a group of friends and I randomly went to see Children of Men after class. We got into the theatre just in time (damn cheap ticket Tuesdays, every bloody retiree and their mother was there), and settled into some pretty good seats.

As the movie played (it's excellent, if you haven't seen it, I suggest you do, really powerful film) I found myself on the verge of tears in a few scenes. I'll not explain them too much, in case you haven't seen it, but two moments where I was trying not to cry featured the beautiful goodbye between Michael Caine and his wife, and of course later in the film, the parting of the sea of people upon seeing a human baby.

I was just so overwhelmed by the amazing performances, the cinematography...truely an amazing film (not many make me cry, for the record). But as I sat in the dark theatre, I fought the urge to leak a tear or two. With a friend on either side of me, I was terrified to reach up and wipe my eyes, fearful of their reaction.

Would guy on the right recoil in horror at the fact a friend and fellow student would be crying in a movie theatre filled with strangers? Might the girl to my left laugh out loud at the fact I'm sobbing over Michael Caine's performance?

Looking back, I doubt either of them would have cared in the slightest, they're great people and generally very liberal. But my social fear, that I'd be blacklisted as a soft-hearted sucker, prevented me from being myself. I don't even know why I care about such a trivial issue; crying in that movie would certainly be allowed by many. But I couldn't bring myself to just...be myself.

And why would I be so terrified about my friends reaction? It begs the further question...how will I handle coming out to my friends when I can't even cry in a movie in front of them?

Know when to hold 'em...

I got up this morning with my usual horny attitude, sporting morning wood and an itch that needed to be scratched. So naturally I headed to my computer, and started looking for some porn. Some reason or another, I came across a slideshow-video of guys kissing. Nothing gets me off better than seeing hot guys making out, so I played the video.

What I got treated to was someone's compalation of MySpace photos of young guys and their boyfriends kissing. So for about a minute and a half, I got to watch hot 18-year-old guys kissing each other...and of course I started feeling like crap.

I never got to do any of this! I still don't, and now I'm older and nowhere closer than I was when I was 18. Nobody will want an innocent relationship with me, only something that's either physical or 'mature dating' since I'm over the hill of 18-19 years old.

Where do these guys even find boyfriends? I thought that the majority of the United States was still bigoted and despised homosexuality, yet there are highschool boys on MySpace making out with their boyfriends for all the world to see.

Then, my anger broke. I either have convinced myself of this to psychologically trick myself into being alright with it, or I'm actually on to something.

It has never been in the cards for me.

I'm from small-town-bum-fuck-nowhere, where bigotry and intolerance are still very prevalant. My extended family all seem to hate homosexuals, my friends from highschool made fun of 'homos' all the time. I never even knew anyone who was openly gay all through my highschool years, or of anyone in the closet for that matter.

Since I'm a few years older, I also realized that I grew up during the transition time...not that everyone embraces homosexuals now, but there have been tremendous strides in tolerance over the past few years.

So I felt a little better in knowing that I was never given the opportunity (yet) to love and be loved by a guy. It was never in the cards I was delt for all those years. And I justified to myself that I've just never had the chance.

Of course, some of you will say "Screw that, make your own destiny! Go out and find a guy and fuck everyone else!" and I accept that argument. If you want something you usually have to work for it. But in terms of lamenting my lost sexual youth, I've come to some terms with the fact that it was never going to happen in high school anyway. It was just never in the cards.