After much internal debate, I've decided to upload the unedited version of my diary entry marked 15 May 2007. It aroused debate because I didn't really feel comfortable with some of the language in it (guess which parts!), but I was drunk when I wrote, rather scrawled, those letters...and we all know what alcohol does...give you that little ouce of truth telling that you lack when you're sober. Plus, I never intended to upload my thoughts to the blog, but that brings up an entirely other point.
The only way this thing works is if I unashamedly put my feelings and thoughts into my entries...no matter how embarassing they may seem to me. I couldn't believe myself as I revied my journal from the trip and thought, "I shouldn't add that. What if someone scoffs!?" But isn't that why I'm here? I mean, I have the great privilidge to call some of my readers friends, but the greater population still holds me at arms length.
So without further adeau, my entry marked 10:20 p.m., as written, drunken on my balcony:
"Out of light for sure, but I'll keep writing.
Am I depressed? I don't even know anymore. What was supposed to be enjoying a quiet night alone has turned into yet another introspective evening. This time (blank) brought it on. He pulled out a club guide for Nice, which happened to have his friend's brother's photo in it. But what I found out was it was a gay club guide.
Now, this is boring. But then I started to realize yet again how out of touch with the gay world I am. How badly I want acceptance, how I want what the boys in the photos have. But I feel like I'll never get that, besides, how could I ever be that popular? Popularity must transcend sexuality, therefore I'm doomed.
The whole point of this is I'm possibly a depresive case, but if I was to be asked what depresive, it's the fact I'm not gay enough. And the whole acceptance thing, the reality is however bullshit it is, to want to be accepted , it's whats the best, and it seems no matter what scenario I'm thrust into, I always wind up the same.
I miss Brian. Maybe I loved him after all. But more than likely, I liked being loved."
Wow, that was painful to type. In the sober hours, I don't think I'm depressive. Even tonight, I was looking forward to September and trying to actually find someone again. But in the dark moments, when you feel alone...and you've got a pen in your hand...well, you either get brilliant songs/poetry, or really crappy journal entries.
2 comments:
Hey Steve,
I think we all go through phases where we feel we don't fit in. There are times I feel I don't fit in with the gay community... I'm beginning to loose count of how many gay guys have said, "You don't seem gay... you seem so straight." I'm not flamboyant or overt about my sexuality... I'm not fabulous (or fagulous), but it doesn't matter.
I've recently become friends with a group of gay guys, many of with are more effeminate then I am. At first I felt totally out of place, but what I've recently realized it doesn't matter. They are good people and fun to be around and we get along because of what's inside.
When I first began coming out (like it was soooo long ago, haha), I would often feel selfconscious when I was out in public with gay guys that were more overtly gay then myself. I would worry, oh no, people are going to assume I'm gay too! Now, I don't even think twice about it. If people assume I'm gay... well, they are assuming correctly... plus there are FAR WORSE things people could think about me.
This comment has become long & rambling, but what I guess I'm trying to say is, eventually you will become comfortable with your "new self" and popularity won't matter... you will be comfortable with you and in turn you will become more comfortable in all kinds of situations.
Good luck.
-Tim
Thinking you're not "gay enough" was one of the things that kept me from accepting that I was gay because I always felt so different. But after coming out and becoming more comfortable within my skin I think less and less about how "different" I am and just go with it. You can only be yourself. Hang in there man!
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