Find me one of each...

I was thinking today. Where the hell am I exactly?

It feels like there's been a long period of inactivity with the whole 'coming out/growing up' thing.

Sure, I've railed on how I worry about fitting in, about meeting people and being alone. There are lots of things that scare me, worry me, keep me up at night...

But really, I need to take a step back and realize that a big part of the problem is the fact I really have no interaction with the world that I'm at times terrified of. A large part of it is the fear of that world, but the other part is the lack of any idea of actually getting into it. Basically, I need an in.

I don't really have gay friends. Anyone who I know is gay isn't really more than an acquaintance of mine, and our friendships aren't based on experiencing the gay life. Naturally for me to actually be able to grow I need to make some friends and actually start having some gay experiences.

So am I allowed to still be in that awkward stage, where I still feel so small? It's been 6 months since it all started to change, and I know that I've changed so much in that time. But at the same time, I don't feel any new changes on the horizon...I've simply stalled out. Part of the motivation for the changes 6 months ago was the stifling need for me to deal with it. My belief that things would simply happen at the right moment left me waiting and waiting, until finally in what I might look back on one day as a stupid idea took hold and I set out on this journey.

These days, there's really nothing changing. Sure, I can blame a lot of that on my location. Not being in school or in Toronto means no access to 'gay' things. But would I even be taking advantage of them if I were there in the first place? Probably not. I'd do what I've done so far, meet people online, and either satisfy myself sexually or start looking for someone who's interested in pursuing a relationship. Those are big things, and surely lots of guys are doing the same thing. But I want to grow more than that. I want to meet people, to be picked up by and go home with some hot guy who made fuck-me eyes at me across the room. I want to stumble into a situation where I find someone who's actually interested in me, and wants to give dating a try.

And how do I do all this? No idea. But I've decided I need two people in my life right now: an Old Priest and a Young Priest.

The Old Priest would satisfy my need for answers. He would be someone who's already established, who's done it all (or most of it, anyway) and wants to shed some light on what exactly goes on where. I'm talking full disclosure here, from everything on relationships and sex to where to go to sex parties, and everything in between. This mysterious figure would have no sexual interest in me, and would act as a foundation for me, someone to help me build myself on.

It goes beyond simply wanting someone to tell me flippant things about being gay. It seems like breaking into some parts of the gay world would be greatly facilitated by having someone who could explain it to me. I've been told that gay bars in Toronto are very preditorial, and honestly I wouldn't know what to do or how to deal with things if I simply went one night and saw what happened. I want someone who can coach me through these things, tell me what mysterious signs to watch for and not make me feel like a terrified 15-year-old girl.

I can't even imagine having someone like that in my life, someone who actually knows what they're doing and would be kind enough to teach me everything there is to know about the gay world. Someone who can take me by the hand, walk me through the Village and push me through the right doors.

My problem isn't that I'm leading two seperate lives, one straight and one gay. I'm simply so isolated that I can't develop anymore without opening the right doors. At the same time, I don't want to flail blindly, tossing my arms out and latching on to whatever is convenient. I don't want to be a 'low quality gay', I want to know what the hell I'm doing and how to actually get where I want to go.

The Young Priest would be someone around my age, and around my naivetay and experience level, or just slightly more. I need someone who I can actually bounce ideas off of, someone who I can do things with and go places with, and try to meet people through.

A lot of the reason I don't have gay friends lies in the vicious cycle that is the closet...I don't want to go to some gay bar and try to meet people because I don't know what the hell I'm doing, yet the logical way to meet homosexuals would be to surround yourself by them. And even so, I'm not very good at just making conversation with a stranger. How exactly do you develop a group of young gay friends?

Thats why I want to meet a Young Priest who's not all that established himself. I want someone who I can bond with based on our current position in life, and someone who wants, like me, to start developing friendships and social networks. I think even if I did meet a wonderfully connected guy, I would be too intimidated to get too friendly because he would represent everything I am not, and I would fear rejection.

Will I meet either of these figures? Probably not. Probably they don't exist, and if they do, I probably wouldn't meet them. But I realize that I need to start doing something more to push myself towards actually getting 'out there'. I don't want to be the flaming life of the party, but I do want to take advantage of some friends and some fun.